Some heavy stuff...

[taom]

Hey guys,

So, a lot has been going on with me recently and I just need to talk about it so here goes. My parents are getting divorced because my father has been cheating on my mom for the past three years. Not only that, this is his fifth or sixth affair. Not only that, but he gave my mom an STD from one of his girlfriends (not a fatal one, thank goodness). My mom knew about the other women before. She would talk to him and he would say that he was sorry and that he would never do it again and could he please, please have another chance, So she would give it to him and off he would go with someone else. The worst part is that he is trying to manipulate my three little brothers and I so that we feel sorry for him and will try to convince our mom to let him come back (not likely at all). He is not taking responsibility and trying to make us feel bad. Just tonight he sent me a very nasty email that basically said that he is justified in his deception because I, as a young child, was also deceptive. As if that makes everything he did ok. I'm not so sure he loves me or my brothers; I'm not so sure he knows how to love.

Has anyone else dealt with this? How did you get through it? I could really use some encouragement right about now.

I love you all,
taom

[Maple]

Taom,

I have never gone through this, but my heart breaks for you and I am so sorry that this is happening to you. It's terrible that your Dad is trying to manipulate you and your siblings.

I am sending all my love to you, your brothers, and your Mum. She is a remarkable woman for having the strength to finally walk away and do what's right for her and her heart.

<3

[Nerissa]

Oh. Oh, I'm so sorry, Taom, it's terrible that this happens to a family, a family with four children. And what you said about him probably not knowing how to love, that really broke my heart. A divorce is terrible enough when you're old enough to know what's going on, and this was... too bad doesn't cover it. I have never experienced this, my parents divorced when I was five or six, I didn't know what was going on when dad was moving out, but nobody were having any affairs. This is like watching a movie or reading a book, it's too unusual to me, I don't know what to think or say except how sorry I am. If this happened to my family, I wouldn't know what to do. But it's good that you have this place to go to, you have friends here. I wish I had some advice for you. I wish I could help you in some way. My support goes to you, your brothers and your mother. I hope you get out of this crisis, and that things will be better.

[Joy&RaptorsUnrestrained!]

I hope that you and your brothers know that your father is wrong... and that his accusations are merely a way of trying to deflect guilt. He knows what he did was wrong, but he liked the status quo, with no one to put him in his place for his actions or make him face the consequences. He's been acting selfishly for some time now. This doesn't make him a bad person, per se (we all act selfishly, and we all need to act selfishly at different points in our lives) but it does make him uncomfortable and difficult to be around since he's clearly willing to try using you and your siblings against your mom. You are a good person for believing that he needs to be held accountable for his misdeeds and that your mother shouldn't be forced to put up with them. I hope that your mother gets well soon. Your family will be in my prayers as well, and though I hope your father comes to his senses when he realizes what he's losing, I also hope that you can weather this storm and come out on the other side happy and healthy.

[-Annwyn-]

Sounds like your dad is an arsehole. Not only that, but he is a lying dirty arsehole, giving that STD to your mother because he is so promiscuous! I am so sorry that you have had to go through this, seriously. He had no right in trying to justify his bad behaviour because "you were bad as a child" - that makes no sense. And if thats the logic that he is resorting to, then he has no defense. He is a jerk, plain and simple. He'll never listen and he'll never learn. He seriously needs to grow up or else he is going to lose the most important people in his life!

I really hope the situation improves for you.

[SireniaSolaris]

Jeeze, I don't know what to say.

I'm sorry you are going through this. And your poor mom...

I know I have no tolorance for that kind of thing. It happened to me once too many times, and for me, unfaithfulness is just the opitome of horrible things you could do to someone you supposedly love and who loves you. That he is trying to play the victim and go even further by trying to shift the bad guy cards to you, the children... I want to chew this guy out myself!!

You and your brothers and mother just need to be each other's best support group. Come together through this time, and be the family together that KNOWS how to love and where to put their loyalty. A guy like your father has no place in a 'family'. I think you guys will be able to help each other through this and get each other to overcome his attempt at mental and emotional games. The best thing you all can do for yourselves if get as far away from that kind of action, behavior, and circumstance that you possibly can. It's not good for a wife and mother, and it is not good for children to be around - even grown ones (especially grown ones at times, since they really know what's going on and what it means).

I wish you and your 'good' family the best of luck through this situation, and although you guys are likely a long way off from looking for it, I hope the positive energies in the universe eventually bring a good, nurturing, upstanding man your way who WILL be a good father to you guys and husband/bf to your mom. Best wishes!

~SS

[Mermaid Sirena]

Stand strong through this storm, we are here to help you when you feel like drowning. Your true family is your rock, hold onto it and never let it go. If a barnacle attatches to the rock, do what you can to cast it back into the current of life. Keep your rock pure and strong, as you do your love. You are in my thoughts, if you need some one to talk to. I am always willing to listen.

[MermaidMisty]

Taom,
It is terrible that your father has put your family in this situation. Let me say first off, that nothing he has done is your fault at all. And anything you may feel right now, be it anger, sadness, or even wistfulness, is perfectly understandable and natural.

I was in a similar situation, though I suppose to a lesser degree. It turned out my father was cheating on my mother for years, though he claims it wasn't cheating because my mother (who has many medical issues and a b*tchy attitude) hadn't slept with him in years. Then he met a woman who, after dating him and sleeping with him for several months, said she 'wouldn't be involved with a married man' (she knew he was married from the beginning). So he sent my mother divorce papers two months after her mother died. Then, less than a year after that, decided he was going to marry her. On a cruise (cruise ships give me horrible motion sickness) in Canada. He brought my brother and blackmailed me into going by threatening that I could never visit my little brother again if I didn't attend. Further, he did not tell my mother and swore my brother and I to secrecy. Then my mother interrogated me about it until I slipped up. I could go on, but I think that's all of the relevant information.

How did I get through it? I suppose a good deal of it was supporting my little brother. Through supporting, protecting, and helping him, I could forget my own feelings a lot of times. They just didn't seem as important as his. Another thing that helped was simply acknowledging that none of it was my fault, and that there was nothing I could have done to change the situation. But I think the most important thing was realizing that my father was no longer deserving of the pedestal I had put him on as a child. I allowed myself to accept that not all parents should be looked up to as an example, and that sometimes those who raised us are better used as an example of why you shouldn't do certain things.

I don't know if that will help, but I certainly hope it does. Feel free to ask if there is any other way I can attempt to help you.
May you find and know peace.
-Mermaid Misty

[taom]

You guys are the best. You have no idea how much each of you mean to me and how I value each of your different input. Misty, that is absolutely terrible. I cannot believe your father would do something like that! Thank you so much for sharing with me. It really helps a lot. I don't know what I would do without you all as a second family. I truly, honestly love each and every one of you.

[Mermaid Jewel]

Oh I'm so sorry taom! <3 lots of love and I wish you the best. He's just trying to deflect guilt like they said, and he may truly believe he's not to blame or making himself believe so. I hope everything works out and I'll be thinking of you.

[MermaidMisty]

You're welcome, Taom. Love you too :)

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