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Odette
01-16-2012, 08:56 PM
i feel the need to talk it out. so much pain and it was so scary.
my dad died yesterday.wasnt natural and its too graphic to say in my opinion.
i saw it. i helped put him on the floor.tried CPR. the face and the body became disturbing.i feel traumatized.
the worst part is that he made sure we had all the info for the funeral together beforehand.

waking up to that was awful. i never got to do the things i wanted to with him and he was helping with my business.only income for my family but he had alot of accounts including CD's and IRA's.
he was supporting everything i did and i shuned him because he was an alcoholic. never got very close. never gave him that thank you letter i meant to give on christmas.never got to make the projects and every time he offered to help with my car i would say no. pushed him away when he only said hi.its too late now and i cant stand it.
he was always in pain so i guess its a bit of a relief for him and my mom but not by much.if i knew he would end up that way i would have tried to save him. problem is we did try but it wasnt enough. im not going to be on schedule without him. i wont finish the script by now or a few mermaid things like the state liscense for being a professional performer.i dono i just feel like i was left alone. i dono

AniaR
01-16-2012, 09:33 PM
First off beautiful, do not feel guilty or blame yourself. Your dad had an addiction, and even really wonderful dads , real standup guys, still fall victim to their addiction. You can't blame yourself or obsess over the "what Ifs". You're experiencing post traumatic stress and that's something totally normal for such a traumatizing event. Sometimes we do all we can and it's just not enough. But your dad isn't suffering anymore, and he can't make anyone else suffer because of his addiction.

I wish I could reach right through the computer screen and wrap my arms around you and give you a big hug. Take some time for yourself, do things to help you feel calm. PTS can sneak up on you so dont be surprised if you have bad dreams or panic attacks. Just do your best to be calm and deep breathe.

Finally, I do think it's important you see a grief counsellor at some point. After a bit of time has gone by I think it's really important you see someone who can help validate your feelings and experience.

Know that we love and care for you and we're here for you.

happyguava
01-16-2012, 10:13 PM
Odette, I am so very sorry to hear that. I can't imagine what you must be going through right now.

I'm not very good with advice but I just wanted to chime in and say that you're in my thoughts and I hope you'll be alright. *hugs*

malinghi
01-16-2012, 10:24 PM
he was supporting everything i did and i shuned him because he was an alcoholic. never got very close. never gave him that thank you letter i meant to give on christmas.never got to make the projects and every time he offered to help with my car i would say no. pushed him away when he only said hi.its too late now and i cant stand it.

The grief of loss is already terrible enough- please don't torture yourself or make yourself feel guilty. Whatever mistakes you think you may have made, remember that you're human. Even if you regret something about how you interacted with him, remember that the way you acted was simply your natural emotional response, and you shouldn't convince yourself that you should feel guilty for how you felt at the time. These are parts of being human, and you shouldn't feel that simply being human is a crime. You shouldn't feel guilty.

mermaidondine
01-16-2012, 11:20 PM
I'm so, so sorry for your loss, Odette! I can't even begin to imagine how painful this must be...

Everyone makes mistakes; we're all human. You can't blame yourself though, because as much as we like to think to ourselves that there is; there's nothing that anyone can do when that time comes. He's not in pain anymore now though and hearing how supportive he was; I bet he wouldn't want you to give up or carry such a weight on your shoulders... And you may not have been able to give him that thank you letter at Christmas, but you can thank him now by living your life and following your dreams!

I know I haven't been around the forum very long, but just know that you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers <3

Joy&RaptorsUnrestrained!
01-16-2012, 11:24 PM
Your loss is also very, very new and recent. I agree with Raina and malinghi (both made very good points about comfort, counseling, and accepting not blame but helplessness... even if you wish you could have helped your dad, and even if you were closer, he wrote his own story), and while I can't imagine how badly you're hurt by what you've experienced, loss and tragedy and sorrow are natural... and they pass. Just stick it out and learn to grow, treasure the gifts your father gave you, and remember his faults and his blessings, and let the memories and the sorrow cleanse the anguish you're feeling, preparing you for the next step, when you're ready to take it. We'll all be here for you.

Mermaid Jewel
01-16-2012, 11:50 PM
I am so sorry :( I wish I could give you a giant hug right now! Don't beat yourself up and feel guilt, it wasn't your fault and it's not a time to be going back and saying "what if," it's a time to look back and see all the amazing moments you can cherish. I agree with Raina to probably see a counselor, but when you're ready, to help you deal with it. I'm so very sorry for your loss :(

mermaid.dreamer
01-17-2012, 01:09 AM
Dear Odette,
This may not be of much help right now considering neither of us know each other but I am in a very similar situation and I would like to offer my condolences because losing anybody is hard. If it's not too bold of me to say or ask, I would like to ask that you hold all of the what ifs and should haves right now. I recomend taking one complete day to spend on pampering yourself. I understand that in a time like this that would seem like the last thing to do but it is one of the best things. You are probably really stressed and not allowing yourself to breathe or feel any emotions so eveything is building up or it is all impacting you at once. After you've taken your day to yourself, I suggest you deal with what you have to deal with one by one. You have time hun. Just try not to overwelm yourself you don't need that now. My idea for doing this was not to tell you what to do but to provide an option in case you get lost or in a hole and don't see a way out. I also wanted to let you know that you are never truly alone, even though at times it may seem like it. You will have those that are close to you, the people on here, a counselorshould you chose to see one (which I highly recommend), as well as me should you wish to. I try my best to offer help to those who need it or want it.
Love,
Emily

NewYorkMermaid
01-17-2012, 02:00 AM
Odette my dear,

Im so sorry for your loss, Losing a parent is the hardest thing to go through. Dont beat yourself up about it, you said it yourself he was supportive if everything you did- you made him proud. Just like most parents they know you love them. You did what you could to help him, but i guess it was his time. remember its not what you did to him in the past but what you did for him in the end. He knew it was coming and even though your "prepared" your never ever prepared for it.

Big Hugs to you Mer sister, we are here for you should you need to cry, vent or just need support. Know you are very much loved here in the mermaid community and we will be here for you

Alveric
01-17-2012, 12:25 PM
I don't have sufficient words. But, we're here and thinking of you.
Kyrie Eleison

Alveric

merboy78xy
01-17-2012, 02:52 PM
try to remember that he's in SUCH a better place. His trials and tribulations on this plane are over... it is WE who still have the grief and sorrow, pain and trials. So, in my belief, your father is happy and healthy wondering why you're causing yourself such pain by internalizing guilt. Ground yourself, and give any negative anguish you may be feeling to the earth, and let her use that energy that will only cause you pain to hold onto. Remember any good memories you may have of him, and I agree with Mermaid dreamer: pamper yourself.
"God gave us memories that we may have roses in winter."
Peace and love to you

thelocalmermaid
01-17-2012, 10:07 PM
Odette,

I have no great words of advice. this has me in tears.
Please know that you are in my prayers and that I am thinking a lot about you and will be from now on..
you are beautiful and courageous! I will be praying for you and your family. if you ever need someone to talk to,
e-mail me : thelocalmermaid@yahoo.com, no matter what you have to say, I'll do my best to be there for you.

you're in my heart my friend

Lotus
01-18-2012, 09:07 AM
Hi Odette,
Maybe I'm reading too much into what you said about your Dad, but it sounds like he had a plan, and I know from personal experience that when someone in a dark place has an exit planned out, thats it. The sudden death of someone close to you IS traumatic, regardless of whether or not you were there or what the status of your relationship was.... But to witness it first hand is something I cannot imagine. I will say that when I lost someone very suddenly, the only real peace I took away from it when I first saw him afterward was that there were still marks on his face from
Where the paramedics had tubed him in an effort to save him. So please know that at the end of the day you did right by him to try. Most people wouldn't have the courage. And if you had the strength to do that, you have the strength to go on. It's hard and it's horrible and the memories will never truly go away, but in time you will find that what you remember are the good times, the peaceful times. As with everyone else, I am here if you would like to talk. I'll pray for you and your family.
Much love,
Nikki

Mermaid Shelly
01-18-2012, 06:53 PM
Sweetheart, I am so sorry for your loss. It is traumatizing losing a parent no matter how close you were, and being there must have made it even more difficult for you. Don't blame yourself though, you were just trying to cope with a difficult situation. I have the same issues with my father and I wonder how I will handle it when his time comes. I think what is important here is to remember that you did love him, with all his shortcomings and humanity, and to keep that in your heart. It's too late now to go back and do things over, but I have a feeling that going forward, you won't be so reserved with expressing your feelings for your loved ones. It is a lesson to all of us to love and cherish and be honest with each other everyday. We all love you Odette and hope that you are finding a way to get through this. Much love and hugs to you... and please let me know if there is anything I can do. XOXOX

Mermaid Sirena
01-18-2012, 10:32 PM
The few words I could share have already been spoken. There is a new star in the sky shinning down on you and just like stars in the sunshine, you might not be able to see him but he is there watching over you. May you come to peace with this in your own time and may the waters of life be gentle until then. You are cared for by all of us in this family.

HBMermaid_Angela
01-19-2012, 12:12 PM
So very sorry for your loss my dear!

OrcaMatt
01-19-2012, 01:17 PM
Very sorry to hear this. Try and stay strong; we're all here for you!

Mermaid Saphira
01-19-2012, 03:53 PM
Odette! I am so sorry! Just remeber that your dad will always love you no matter what! <3

Gem Stone
02-03-2012, 01:20 PM
i cant help but cry because even if you hate the person, when someone dies, its painful. i lost my very alchoholic grandfather and thinking of him still hurts even though he died years ago. i even cried when my great grandmother died, she lived until i was like ten, and i still wear the rock necklace she gave me around my neck. now, i can't go anywhere without it on. its become a part of me. because of this and a few other issues that i locked away, now i have trouble crying in front of people. ive locked away my tears for so long that i almost cant cry at all, and that hurts worse. thank you for sharing your story with us because i know its very painful and i almost can't imagine living without one of my parents. but don't be afriad to cry like i was, dont lock away your emotions. it may help you fell better at first, but then they just accumulate until one day you burst. you seem to be a brave person and even though you may not have felt you proved this, your dad probably knows that you loved him. and personally, i disagree with the counsler. you don't need someone who gets paid to listen to your problems, you need a true friend who can sit there and help you with them through your ups and downs. someone who can hold your hand a paint a picture to help you think of better times. like the first time you did something that made your father smile. or the first time you swam with your dad (assuming he swims). or when you brought home a really good report card and showed it to him proudly. memories like these will help with the pain of remembrance. keep in mind, no memory is worth forgetting. you just have to keep going until you're strong enough to remember them all.