The broken Mermaid

[MermaidSaku]

I've been gone for a while now i know that but, i have really been down lately. I don't have family i can talk to for those o you who know about my abusive mother etc.. so i don't really have anyone to lean on. Right now my heart is so broken. I feel like a dying mermaid. If only i were human i would say a drowning. I dunno what to do. The more i push myself the more i hate it.. The quotes i have for myself do nothing this time.. all i know is i have all of these wishes that i can't wish for.. i dunno..my new katana is talking to me like i am in need of a war. xD

[Mermaid Sirena]

If fine that you've been gone, only missed massive amounts of drama. If you want some one to talk to in private feel free to PM me on here or on Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/sirena.engkantos). Or if you want to go into details this is fine to, we care about you on here and I'm you feel you could share :)

[AniaR]

My mother is abusive and I dont have her in my life. Reading books about self absorbed parents, and specifically abusive mothers helped me a lot. Because it validated my feelings and experience. Society has no problem with dead beat dads as an accepted part of life and if you choose not to have them in yours, no one really cares. But your mother? Blasphemy! I have not had my mom in my life for 2 years now, best choice I've ever made. Once she was out, I got into therapy and started taking control of my own life and my own wants and needs. When we have abusive parents it's like we become trained to make sure we walk on egg shells and dont set people off. It sets us up for some big depression if we don't stop that thinking.

I feel sometimes like I don't have a family. My mom isn't in my life, my Dad and Stepmom are great but there's a big disconnect there. I didnt have many real friends growing up. I used to cry in therapy because I just didn't feel like I had people around me who would and could support me. So she taught me to create my own family. I have a best friend now, we've been best friends for a year, I can't believe it took me this long to find her but she's so amazing it was worth the wait. I've gotten to know my boyfriend's family a little more, I have professional peers from school, and I have my boyfriend. The mer community too! These people are my family unit.

I have felt like Im dying, I've felt like Im gasping for air too. I can't know your situation and I try never to tell people "I know how you feel". Because I don't. But I can say I think I have felt some of the ways you have, and I'd bet my last dollar with the moms we've had we probably both have some of the same horror stories.

If you ever need to talk I am here. I can't give advice or solve your problems, but I can listen, give you validation, and be part of your mer-family unit. <3

These are a few books that helped me learn about myself, and overcome my crazy-ass mom:

http://www.amazon.ca/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/157224108X (your mom may not be BP but a LOT of the issues here span across)

http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com/ this is also a book, excellent resource

a good article to read too: http://www.macleans.ca/culture/lifestyle/article.jsp?content=20081022_87652_87652

[Joy&RaptorsUnrestrained!]

Saku (and Raina), I'll include you in my prayers. I'm a little offbeat when it comes to belief, but sometimes just a drop of it can help. You are going through a lot, and I just hope you know that I've enjoyed your contributions on this site and look forward to many more of them.

[Nate Walis]

I'm lucky enough to have never suffered abuse from a parent, but I know all too well what depression and the related mental issues feel like. It's trite to say, but there is help out there and if you accept it there will come a day when you can look back and be glad that you made it through. Don't give in and don't let it beat you.

[MermaidSaku]

i will tell you what is going on but it's a long story ...:/

[AniaR]

tell away! :)

[Mermaid Jewel]

^I agree! We're all here for you :)

[MermaidSaku]

Told you it was lonngg

Okk~ so here is an update lately i have been feeling a bit empty but mostly like another part of me has left the building out of heart break. Well with school that started weeks ago and my baking in class and so on i haven't decided on what i really want to do just yet. I feel like all my life i knew what i wanted to be but now, i am clueless!! For a long time i was working towards losing weight and being pretty not for my self but for the person in the future who might be the one. i dunno i know it sounds childish..When i started to pursue mermaiding i did it because the call of the sea screamed of freedom and that all i wanted to be was free. Interesting how losing weight, mermaiding and freedom ties together. i'm sure my merfamily knows what i mean. The freedom can almost swallow you up. lool
The guy that came to mind when i thought of love even towards the future was always my friend felipe. Why? Because if i was ever down or feeling bad for some reason he could see everything even if i hid my feelings very well. He didn't know about anything i was gong through but he knew i was sad somehow and that's all he cared about he never asked about it he would just say. You will always be my saku. Well if u haven't figured it out yet..yes i was in love with him for a long time and basically i made this stupid promise that if i did become pretty and lose weight. i wanted it to one day make him very happy. I ended u being in love with him for 7 years which i knew was going to happen since highschool. And after i graduated and my first semester of collage ended and alot of ad things had just happened with a really bad bf that was a complete jerk i got a knock at the door and it was my friend mike come to tellme that felipe was in his car and wanting to see me.. I wanted to die because i didn't want to see him and my heart was already broken by him since i wrote him a letter telling him i loved him and that i knew i wouldn't be acknowledged for loving him all through highschool.I told him the the letter i would love him for 7 years and after that i would maybe still love him for another 7 and probably wait till i rot and then beg to let me be with him in a new life. So yeah you can imagine i locked myself in the restroom and screaming i wouldn't come out. i heard the front door open and i hear felipe say "Where is sakura?". "Dude she locked herself in~" i heard a click and see him just walk in!!! WTH no respect for women!! actually i was just on the counter int he fetal position trying not to cry and jumped down when i heard the door click.
I tired to close it but he hugged me. and told me he came over to say sorry that he broke my heart and pushed me away Etc.. etc.. i ran out and pushed him off he eventually caught up to me, and kissed me. This would all be fine even after he said he knew i deserved it but after all the stuff he told me about if i ever need someone to talk to i could call him the next day i called crying already and he tells me "saku you can't call me like this i am married". i cried even harder grew my tough girl i don't need anyone attitude, and a year later learned he just had a son. which hurt me more i still kept it in no one knew i was hurt.no one knew i cried.I decided to keep trying to look pretty and lose weight. and with martial arts,mermaiding, running, and push ups.. i did..
So another year passes and it's 2011 i went from my highest weight 316-265lb. i figured now that i could take pictures of myself in a mer top i was pretty to myself and maybe others the sort of girl he would say was really pretty. That was enough for me to try and find my own happiness since he had found his. I moved on but he was being annoying he found me on myspace and facebook trying to talk to me but i couldn't do it i told him to leave me alone insta blocked? Then our friend mike who was gone to missionary told me why he was trying to talk to me. The girl who just happened to be one of my so called friends from highschool who knew i was in love with him was the girl who had the kid by felipe that they were to get married but they broke up and it was because she left him to be with his best friend.
Soo~~ felipe was heart broken and didn't want anythign to do with her and wanted us to try and date. He said he owed it to me because i was always there for him and he knew i loved him.He said that if anything he just wanted to make me happy for once. Of course to a girl who never had anyone to talk to about anything even her bf's dying or abusive mom gone mad.Even one day of happiness seemed worth it.We aranged a date but i knew it might not end well because by history with bf's dead and the fact that anytime i try to go for happiness somethng horrible happens tried not to get my hopes up. the whole date all we talked about was how much i changed and for the first time i heard him call me pretty or compliment me at all, but it was all followed by "sakura, i want you to go to jaan or korea and see the world and stuff i want you to find a man you will love more than me and be happy, because i have alreafy messed up. You should do all the things i can't because now i hav a son". And so of course i wasn't happy to hear that and yes i told him no and i asked him to go visit japan with me and he said no no matter what i said he still said no. I told him i wanted to become pretty to make him smile and make him happy he said thateven if he really wanted to try things out with me he didn't want me to give up alot. But he had no idea i have nothing to really give up.he said i was too good for him and he wanted to make me me happy for one day.. because that's all he could give me was one day. There is more to ths but i will keep it at a minimum. Bottom line i got my heart broken by a guy was in love with for 7 years and the moment he realises he loves me it's too late and he pushes me away and tells me he doesn't deserve to be with me because i did so much just to be with him and he broke my heart. He tells me he choses to be with the cheating ex. i try not to believe it get ripped apart and told that it was his way of saying goodbye and then left dead as a ghost in a shell.
I detached myself and basicly now i doubt i can feel anything of love at all. My league of legends friend seph and harmony have been trying to help but no one can i cried for 3 days and it didn't stop raining all 3 days.I cried myself sick and to the point were the sinking feeling in my chest wouldn't go away even with my athsma medicne to try to hel me breathe i ended up having a oanic attack and almost had another stroke.Yes i say another because i had one at 19 and the worst part was n one was there along with ym first panic attack and many times things happen to me i have to come out of it somehow all by myself. A guy who really wants me t be with him, says he loved for the first time,but i can't because when i think of love i want to throw up. I told him about the whole thing between me and life. Life jsut doesn't like me at all, but he said he didn't care. For a short moment i actually think i might get a hapy ending to my crappy life by i dunno maybe being with him. My grandmother has a stroke the second we hang up on the phone. And so now my grandmother is in the hospital she has been there over night i am in the house alone.. and boy doesn't this feel familiar.. i don't have any famliy around here so.. yeah.. thanks mom and dad huh? : / urrrgghhhh~~~ honestly i have come to realize that happiness is the furthest thing from me. I need to either run away.. or run reallly reaaaaaaaallllly farrrr away. :/


Life is a troll.

right now i feel like either i train myself like mad with my bo staff and katana fighting skills or trying to sink in water as fast as possible....With life it's like you either get trolled or get trolled x.x

[Lotus]

It really sucks being where you're at. I imagine that not being treated well by your mother created a sense that you're somehow not good enough and left you with very little self esteem and self-worth. I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling so low, and I have some advice.
First of all, you have to realize that you cannot live your life and make decisions based solely on what you think someone else wants from you. A person who truly loves you loves you as you are. If you feel pressured to be something else to win a mans approval, he's not right for you. If you ever did "fix yourself" to fit his ideals, your entire life would center around being perfect. and NO ONE is perfect. I was infatuated with a guy for a long time once, and I felt like I had to be really thin and perfect to get him to love me, but I realized that his fixation with "perfect" women was his frustration with not being perfect himself. He is a superficial, lying ass. End of story. I'm sure your Filipe has more depth, but to be honest, it sounds to me like he has been playing games with you. To take you out only to cry about how he "can't do anything anymore because he has a kid" is a front. He felt like he owed it to you to take you out, so he did to clear his conscience, and that's not OK... now he chases you around on the internet....
Have you considered the possibility that this guy is really insecure and he comes to you for comfort because he knows how much you love him?
You've got to find a way to stop torturing yourself- life isn't a troll. It's tough sometimes, but if you can find a way to love yourself, and value yourself, others will follow suit. You can be happy! we all can. I personally had to go to a therapist and get on medication to get my severe depression under control; I had a really messed up couple of years that took a toll on me and I almost let it wreck my life... I'm really glad I took the time to get my problems addressed for ME. I'm not going to sit here and tell you my life is all sunshine and roses now, cuz it's not, but it's a hell of a lot better than it was when I was always telling myself I had to be perfect or no one would love me.
You're already a beautiful lady, and you deserve to be surrounded by people who love you and cherish you, not by people who use you to fell better about their own problems or who lead you on. I sincerely wish you the very very best, I hope to see that you are feeling better soon. Please feel free to PM me anytime, and remember, you have a lot of people here for you, just as you are.

[Alveric]

You can ease your mind about one thing at least, I've seen the pics you've posted elsewhere on Mernetwork. You are hot. I hope you're not offended by my saying so.

Alveric

[MermaidSaku]

I just feel the after all of this and bettering myself and all it really didn't do anything..if anything happens i only have me to lean on. my grandmother used to say that she learned in this world there is no such thing as happiness and that there is only survival. It's the thing i have been trying to prove wrong is what she said about happiness and having love and friendship but the harder i try the more i feel like she is right. So i worked hard to become a prettier girl i trained hard to become the best fighter. in the end talent, brains, beauty doesn't matter. When my grandmother had the stroke yesterday there was no one to fight no one to challenge... and when she was gone there was no one to comfort me just complete silence and my own heart that felt like it stopped. The reason i said life is a troll is because no matter what i do to work towards my own happiness something bad happens. Regardless i have my reasons for saying that..if life was a man i would love to beat him up.

[AniaR]

You can ease your mind about one thing at least, I've seen the pics you've posted elsewhere on Mernetwork. You are hot. I hope you're not offended by my saying so.

here here! I agree

[Mermaid Sirena]

Even though he isn't the one you are still a beautiful woman skilled in many things, if you concentrate on your passions and find someone who shares them happiness can bloom from that. Also remember the love of your life can appear in the most... Unusual way. Keep chasing your dreams and don't worry you will get to the end of the rainbow where happiness comes from. Just remember real happiness is not like in the story books, nothing will ever be perfect and there will always be something wrong. It's your ability to see the beautiful and joy in it that allows for pleasure in the everyday world.