sinking like a siren that can't swim anymore.

[melbel1023]

hey all, i haven't been posting that much on here lately - mostly due to avoiding conflict and drama, but also due to school and work.

but i'm also fighting to get myself out of a depression.
i've posted before about feeling depressed, but i don't remember if i really dived into why i feel this way - and i could use some advice from anyone who has been through this stuff.
here it goes:

i had this best friend, let's call her "Beth". "Beth" and i had been best friends since freshman year of high school, so about 8 years in total. we went through a lot together, needless to say.
i went out of my way to always be there for her. when she got kicked out of grandmother's house, i picked her up and moved her into my house immediately (it also happened to be my parents' house too, and they were not fond of this at all). we went through the same thing when she left the dorms of her university during the summer. each time, she never thanked me and caused a lot of stressed and fights between my parents and i.
but, once she was back in school, i was ok with it all - no big deal, i assumed she would do the same for me in the same situation.
she also never had a car, and i ended up driving her to school or her boyfriend's place (both pretty far from my home), and i bought her food, and i let her sleep in my bed.
i made sure that she had an amazing birthday each year - one year i got her an ipod touch after hers was stolen, another year i made her a fabric mermaid tail and took her to a spring to try it out. i also brought her to disney world, paid for her expenses as well as my own.
i never really questioned her not giving me anything in return, simply because i knew she didn't have much money to spare.
then i moved away for college.
that's when things started to greatly change for us. she completely forgot about me and hardly spoke to me at all. and whenever i'd call her, she'd come up with an excuse to hang up.
again, i didn't put too much thought into it. i knew it sucked to be apart from each other, i figured maybe it was her way of "grieving" or missing me.
then she started sh!t talking me to my friends, and then sh!t talking about my friends to me. and these weren't just friends that i mutually knew - they were my go-to friends whenever "Beth" wasn't there for me. they were my other two best friends, let's call them "Dan" and "Sally".
so, "Beth" loved "Dan," but he was recently divorced and still trying to get back on his feet. he also secretly loves "Sally" but she isn't interested. "Dan" tried to make something work with "Beth", because he was genuinely interested in her, she ended up sleeping with another man (Someone she barely knew) and told "Dan" to shove off.
Then when another of "Beth's" boyfriends were abusing her, she went to "Dan" and "Sally" for help. Once they helped her, she told "Dan" that she doesn't want to be friends with him anymore. Why? Because she "can't afford to be in love with him."

In a very long amount of stories short, she screwed over "Dan" by telling him his friendship with her was worthless and also screwing with every male friend he had - Thusly making "Sally" want to kill her. These two being my other best friends, I was concerned. I asked "Beth" about it, and she lied to me. Told me that "Dan" told her to stop being his friends because it hurt him.

...Now, i know I could believe either story, but I chose to believe "Dan's" because he has no reason to lie to me. he's not trying to impress me, he has no motives for telling me that "Beth" pretty much broke his heart with her words, i trust him entirely.
and also, when "Beth" started sh!t talking me to other people, they came and told me about it. i have reason to doubt her, and her motives for lying are to impress me and think of her as the victim.

(A great example of her sh!t talking me was one time when i desperately needed gas money to get home from work, where she happened to be and just received $100 from a contest she won. i was desperate, and i asked nicely for $5 or $10 to get home. she scoffs at me and says "dude, wtf i just won this!" and i simply said "i let you live in my house - TWICE. and for months on end." she rolled her eyes and gave me some money. once she was in the car with "Dan" and "Sally", she said "can you believe melissa had the nerve to ask me for money?")

so the next time i came into town on break from school, i confront her and ask nicely "hey, i'd like to talk to you sometime."
she nods her head and says "yeah, sure."

i imagined we would talk the next night after a show we were going to see. once the show let out, i got caught up in seeing more friends at the theater - during this point, "Beth" grabs her stuff and goes home with some man i don't know (assuming her new boytoy). no one even knew that she left.
the next morning she texts me saying "hey girlie! call me sometime!"
at this point, i'm done. she completely tried avoiding me and what i needed to say to her. she obviously doesn't want to talk and/or cannot even face me. so i send her a facebook message and say pretty much "i know that you lie and talk crap about me. i won't stand for it, and i won't stand for you anymore unless you change. i can deal with the meaningless sex you have or the drugs you take (i really can't, but you'll never listen to what i have to say about it anyways), but i will not stand for you lying to me and speaking badly about me, when i've done nothing to deserve it."
i get the usual message from her "i have no idea what you're talking about - i just tell you the stories from my perspective, i've never said anything bad about you, blah blah" she even threw in some insults at "Dan" and "Sally" here.
i tried not to respond, but a week goes by and the message is just needing to be answered. i tell her everything i know to be true, and that if any of it isn't true she can message me to defend herself.

i never heard from her.

so, basically, i'm going through the toughest friend break up ever. i was very sad and depressed for the longest time, but i think i'm finally getting out of it.
i resent her for not wanting to change or listen, or even respect me as a person and a friend. but with that comes the pain.

anyone else have big friend break ups? its not often you hear about them... but i could use all of the stories i could get.

[Mermaid Lorelei]

I won't say that I know exactly what you're going through, but I will say that I'm here for you.

I have had a smaller situation somewhat like this happen to me recently. A friend of mine, (actually my first college friend and my assigned college mentor) is now dating my current roommate. They started dating over this summer break and I was excited for them. Mind you, I've never had any interest in dating my friend, who we'll call 'Steve' for the sake of understanding. I invited his girlfriend (my roommate) to stay at my house during the summer even so that she and 'Steve' could spend time together when his parents came to town to visit him. There was a bit of upset with my parents and her, mostly because she wanted to be out really late and my parents didn't want to be woken up by the door alarm going off early in the morning. Everything seemed fine and she headed home until college started up again. By this point, my friend 'Steve' has pretty much stopped talking to me. He keeps promising that we'll hang out or get together or something, but nothing ever happens. Once school started, I expected to see him on campus again and everything would be like it had been the year before. I was wrong. He was seriously avoiding me. If he did talk, it was only with his girlfriend around and only for a few minutes at a time.
A few weeks into the semester my roommate suddenly asks me if I'm flirting with 'Steve'. Come to find out, she's been extremely upset with me for trying to steal her boyfriend. She went so far as to bring my boyfriend into the mix, asking me why I would try and steal 'Steve' from her when I am setting up my future marriage with my boyfriend. Apparently I didn't say hi to her enough or something when I would see her on campus, but I would ALWAYS talk to 'Steve' when I saw him. 'Steve' also had it in his head that I was trying to date him. I have no idea why.
At this point, 'Steve' is trying to apologize and be my friend again, but i'm not sure if he still thinks I'm trying to date him or something. He keeps saying he wants to hang out again, but we both know how that went over the summer. I'm at a stage in my life where I really just don't want to deal with him and his girlfriend anymore. The only reason I do is because his girlfriend is my roommate and he's technically my student mentor.
Oh well. I've moved on and I feel so much better for it.

I know the scenario isn't exactly the same as your's, but you asked for stories. I hope mine helps. :> Much love!

[Gem Stone]

I feel really bad about what happened and it may not be helpful, but I'm glad your friend breakup went so smoothly. My big friend breakup caused some issues. My parents supported me though, and even when we talked about having her live with us, they never once said anything. But then she started dating any and every boy she could get a hold of, often three or more at a time, and then getting all sad when they dumped her. She was nothing but drama and she even created the drama to get my attention. I would pay for her lunch and help her out when she needed money for school fees and she never once paid me back. When I asked for my money back, it was always 'I just got this and I need it today, but I'll pay you back Tommorow' and then I'd never get paid. Her parents divorced and for a while we were planning on her living with us, until I realized that for four years I'd done nothing but continue to give and she's done absolutely nothing for this friendship. I decided to cut ties. She never stopped calling and texting and trying to talk me when we saw each other. Finally she promised to change and I decided to give her a second chance. Bad choice on my part. She got worse. She started failing her classes and then asking me to tutor her so we could spend more time together. She started creating even more drama then before and after six months I couldn't take it, so I stopped doing anything with her. It hurt at first, but then I realized how many friends I have when she isn't the total focus of my life. Now, she isn't dating or having any troubles at all. She's passing her classes with ease. She was doing all of tht just to keep my life busy. She played me, like a fiddle, and I fell for it. But now, she doesn't have anything to do with me and I have nothing to do with her. And I'm happier for it.

[Aquatarian]

I know it can be very damaging to be in a situation like that. Like Lorelei said, I don't know every detail and aspect of your life but I went through a similar situation and I can sympathize with your situation.

I don't want to go into too much detail but a similar thing occurred and the couple of friends I was close with. I was very codependent on them and out of no where they just changed and started distancing themselves from me. Because there were so many other people in the mix as well, it did get very messy but I was eventually able to say to myself "You know what? This isn't worth it".

I stepped away and took some time just to rebuild myself. I reevaluated what was important in my life, who was important, and little by little each day got brighter up until now, when I am the happiest I've ever been.

I know it can be difficult but know that people like me and many other mers are here for if you need to talk or are having just a difficult day.

It takes some serious strength to come through something like that, let me just say I'm glad to see you back. :)

[AniaR]

sounds like beth isn't a friend and isnt someone you need in your life. I had several beths in my life. Its mega hard to leave them behind and move on, after so much history. Some people WILL change but it can take years. I have one Beth back and she really changed, but the other beths, nope. It's hard baby girl but leaving someone like that behind is always better. Friendships aren't meant to be one sided.

[michellerobison]

Sorry you're going through this,it's tough really.

Been there done that with friend break ups. We were friends for over 20 years. We worked in the same hospital. Sadly she took liberties and did things that anyone else would have gotten sacked for! I was her friend but in the end she wasn't mine... I overlook the drunk driving after bar hopping,with her kids in the car....,overlooked the fact she rarely came to see me in hospital after any of my surgeries...forgotten birthdays and so on, acedemic fraud to get her admin job....
Last straw,our psych unit's corporate office was in Tower 2 and when it went down, we all worried about our jobs. For two weeks she shined us on as if nothign was going on.... She was the unit administrator,so we figured if it would close,she'd tell us so we could line up other employment. Well one night I went in the unit doors were open, no patients ,only rows of charts with sticky notes for us to sign if we missed anything. A note on the admin's door stating our unit closed and two weeks severance and any unpaid holiday time was in the post....

I got home and had half a dozen calls asking me if I knew anything,since my friend was the admin.I told them,I knew as much as they did. Next day I got a sterile form letter from corporate and notice that my last cheque was forthcoming..that was it. Found out she knew on Sept 12th it was going to close and had already fired up her resume and had a job in the bag by Sept 15th!

I've barely talked to her in 11 years.

Been there done that... have club jackets... It sucked,I was hurt,thougth I'd nver get over it,we had been really close. But weird, once I really came to grips with it,I was over it in a couple weeks realizing what my family and husband said all along was right,I was her friend but she wasn't mine...

I heard that friends drift in and out of your life and you really are lucky if you have one or two lifelong friends...

[SweeteSiren]

Lorelei, did I read that right that Steve is still your student mentor? A mentor who doesn't talk to you is not a mentor. If this is an official assigned position, you need to request a new mentor who's not going to ignore you. Maybe a female, or a male who's not so full of himself that he thinks every girl on campus wants to date him.
Sorry if I'm coming off too abrasive, but that's a trust relationship, and I get irritated when people who are supposed to look out for others take advantage of their positions. (And yes, that's MY personal baggage creeping in...)

[Mermaid Saphira]

Here is my friend-ship break-up story...
So It's my second year at this new school and I made great friends with, we will call her "Kate", a girl named "Kate". We had sleepover parties together, we went shopping bowling and everything. One day I saw a flyer about a bowling party that the local alley was throwing. The party cost $2 per person for food and bowling all night (great deal huh! :eyebrows:). Anyway, I invited "Kate" and another friend, "Lilly", To come to the bowling party. Turns out the party was canceled due to lack of interest so "Lilly" and I went to the movies instead ("Kate" never showed up anyway). I tell "Kate" about the cancellation and she asks for her $2 back, I tell her again and again that I can not get her money to her until they mail it back. Saturday night while I was here on mernetwork, I get a voice mail from "Kate" saying "Your a bad friend if you wont give me my money back! I asked you time after time, where the hell (excuse her language!) is my money?!". She sent two of these massages back to back and it really angered me, it wasn't my fault I had to wait for all of our money to be mailed back!! She decided to start ignoring me and tried to steal any of the good friends I had left including my fellow mermaid Bubbles. We've made up since then but I'm not gonna get that close to her like I did before.... :(

[LindseyLu]

I think you will be better off without Beth...sorry to day. It's never fun losing a friend, but an unhealthy friendship is no good. I had a VERY similar situation my last few years of high school and a bit in to college. I had a "Beth" too...did everything for her everytime I could. When I had something she could benefit from we were the closest of friends, but what I thought was genuine friendship was not. We were close since childhood, but as she got older she changed. It took a long time for me to heal from that "break-up", especially since I basically cut my ties with most of our mutual friends...for me that is easier than dealing with unwanted drama. I keep drama mammas out of my life as much as possible.

Time will heal what you are going through. And although you have lost an old friend, you now have the time and energy to develope a really good and true friend. Someone that will respect and love you and treat you the way real friends do. Deep breaths help too ;)

[-Annwyn-]

It difficult to recognise when a friendship is turning into an emotionally abusive relationship. I've been in a couple of them in my time and in all of them I hung around because I didn't want to seem like the 'bad guy' and eventually I was just treated like a doormat. It's draining both physically and emotionally.

I guess the only silver lining is that you learn from each experience. Time does heal old wounds. Learn from it, and grow as a better person then before. Your friend was a mooch for wasting your time, money and resources and count yourself lucky that she's out of your life.

[Mermaid Lorelei]

Lorelei, did I read that right that Steve is still your student mentor? A mentor who doesn't talk to you is not a mentor. If this is an official assigned position, you need to request a new mentor who's not going to ignore you. Maybe a female, or a male who's not so full of himself that he thinks every girl on campus wants to date him.
Sorry if I'm coming off too abrasive, but that's a trust relationship, and I get irritated when people who are supposed to look out for others take advantage of their positions. (And yes, that's MY personal baggage creeping in...)
Yeah, technically he is still my mentor. I had two last year, but my other mentor graduated. I would ask for a different mentor now except that I don't really need one. I've gotten to a place with my college where when I need anything I simply go looking for the appropriate help myself. If I do need another mentor, I'll ask for one, but so far I haven't really needed the one that I do have, thankfully. I understand what you're getting at though. I've some of my own personal trust baggage.

[Mermaid Sirena]

As hard as it is to let a friend go especially one who has been around for so long, eventually in time it wont hurt. I haven't been in a situation like this myself but I can imagine how much it would hurt from other experiences. Don't drown love you have all of us to help you float to the surface again.

[Mermaid Jewel]

I'm sorry you have to go through this, you're the sweetest person ever <3 Drama is such an unnecessary thing that happens way too often. I wish you the best <3 <3

[melbel1023]

Thanks everyone.

I just feel like such a fool - she's mocked me to other people, used me for everything I've got, and when I was no longer any use for her, she lost interest in me and started using my friends.
Every day I think of something I could say to her, maybe something to make her see reason, but my boyfriend tells me not to give her the satisfaction of knowing that I care.

I've yet to send anything since the initial break up, she blocked me on facebook also.

I also kinda wish a new and more-awesome friend would just drop into my neighborhood, so I can feel like I'm getting over her somehow... *sighs* best friends don't come outta no where though =/

[Mermaid Lorelei]

Don't let yourself get pulled down by her. She was in the wrong and she used your most wonderful gifts and good intentions in a bad way. That's not you being foolish. That's her being inconsiderate and selfish.

Just keep your eyes open. You'll find that best friend when you're ready. :3