Need help talking to family

[MermanJamie]

Ok, so my name is James, (but I sometimes go by my nickname, Jamie), and I'm 14 years old. Ever since I was a little boy, I've wanted to be a merman. When I was probably around 10, I came across videos of professional merfolk online, but I can't remember how. I saw people wearing these gorgeous tails, and I thought it looked like one of the most fun things ever, and I'd wanted to do something like this since I was very young. I'm worried, though, because throughout my life, I've been teased for not liking sports, or anything that the other boys liked, and wanting to do whatever the girls were doing. Playing with dolls, designing fashion, playing pretend, you name it. Because I was so naive when I was younger, I barely cared what other people thought. People constantly called me gay, and a woman, much to my parents' horror. My mother, the closest person to me in the world, however, passed away in October of 2016, after just over a year with Pancreatic Cancer. I think that she always supported my interests, but because she was such an intelligent and strong willed woman, she just wanted what she thought was best for me socially. I don't want people to call me gay, or say that I'm like a little girl. I know people can try to twist the wording of the insult into something positive, but for me, it's not the wording that hurts, it's the intention. If they have such negative feelings toward me that they want to bully me, it hurts. I'm not even sure what my sexuality is now, but if people care enough to go out of their way to insult me, it feels bad. I'm really scared of asking my family for a tail, because I'm worried that they'll scold me or laugh at me as well. My dad loves sports and stuff, but he loves me too. I guess he might come around after a while, but the real issue is my nanny. She's a very religious Christian, who basically just says that the reason I've done girly stuff in the past is because of immaturity. She said if I did something like that now, she'd be incredibly disappointed in me. She already acts that way toward my sister, who has a girlfriend, even though she's gotten more used to it. Throughout my life, I've been a sweet, pure, polite and well-behaved child. Since she says I'm the last "good kid" out of 3, I'm really scared about talking to her. I poked around on YouTube, asking for advice not using my real name, but instead Unicorn Bro (I love unicorns!), and someone finally read my comment and directed me to this site. She said professional merfolk might be able to give me advice. I'm not sure if anyone can give me anything more than "Don't worry what other people think, be yourself", because that's pretty much everything else I got on YouTube, but it doesn't really help all that much. Can anyone give me advice?

[Ashe]

I wish I was able to give more advice, but I know the whole "be yourself and don't worry what others think" doesn't fit every scenario. Unfortunately you're young still and most people in your life will not understand. However, that's not to say there never will be. I'v been a mer since I was eleven - seventeen now - and I got a lot of crap for my interests when I was younger. Yes, although I am a girl and it's more "socially acceptable" (yuck) it wasn't nearly as bad as what I can imagine you're going through. However as I began to make new friends and find people with similar interests. Just know that until you find that person in your life, you're welcome with open arms and fins here. You seem like a very genuine guy.

As for talking to your family, that could take some time. Have you tried talking to your sister? She seems to be in a similar situation. Even if you aren't gay she might understand. Your dad may come around as well, he loves you. Even if it seems odd to him at first, his views can change.

I know that there are a good amount of mermen on here and the number is growing, they understand what it's like to diverge from society's idea of masculinity. You'll find friends here, I'm sure :)

You don't have to tell us, but depending on where you live there might be other mers in the area. I wouldn't suggest sneaking out to meet people online, but you can ask them how they cope with negative reactions to being a mer. For example, I think there was a thread a long time ago about mermen in the south where it was really tough to just come out and say "hey, I'm a fish!"

Again, while it's tough for the perfect solution to be found at this time, remember that people like you are always welcome here.

[MermanJamie]

Thanks so much for saying that. I guess some time I could talk to my sister. It might be really helpful. I live in New York, so I guess if anyone is from the same area it might be helpful. I also have a tutor that I've been talking to recently about the difficulties for both genders growing up. She tells me her husband went through a lot of the same things I am going through, with liking things that are more for girls, when he was a kid. She's told me some stories that she heard from him, which I really relate to. Thanks so much for your kindness. I'm sure that over time this community will become a great place for me where I'm really comfortable online. Even if I don't find a solution, I can make a lot of friends here who share my interests, and that's one of the best things that can ever happen. Although it might be difficult talking to my family, I have a small group of about 9 friends, all of whom are completely different. We're all really supportive of each other, so I'm sure that I can talk to them. I'm the happy, fun, energetic peacemaker in the group (which by the way consists of guys and girls), and the center of my existence is making my friends smile. I'm sure that if I ask them, they'll be happy to support me as well.

[Merman Dan]

If I can be a merman at 51 you can be one at 14. ;)

Here's some recent footage from NC Mer-Mania that might help.

BBC: My Life as a Male Mermaid (http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p04txlrq)

BBC: Why Hundreds of People Dress as Mermaids (http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p04txkn9)

[Princess Aegean]

Hang in there bud. I'm in a similar situation. Haven't told my parents really, I think they think it's kinda just a phase. But I'm planning on buying a nicer tail to replace my kinda bad self made one. I'd say just kinda drop hints slowly till they get used to it. My biggest concern is them thinking it's a huge waste of money!

[Azynza]

I don't have any great words of wisdom. Just wanted to say hang in there and send a fishy hug your way :). Welcome to the forum too!

[Misty Lau]

First, just wanted to say that playing with dolls and being (NOT wanting to be since you clearly are already one at heart) does not make you gay. Thinking that is absolutely ridiculous. You can be into fashion, and many other "girl" things because honestly, there is not any rule of nature that says you can't like these things. Being a man means being the best version of yourself, and treating others right. The same goes for women. There's plenty of women that are into cars or sports, and that doesn't make them gay. I'm so sorry other people can't see that, and that they're saying hurtful things to you.

I find it really sad that your Christian nanny is treating you and your sister like this. I myself am Christian, and as one, it isn't my place to judge. It's God's. It IS my place to LOVE. Just like God does. So even though you may make mistakes, other sins are JUST as bad. Christians aren't any better than anybody else. We're sinners too. Some Christians struggle with their sexuality. It doesn't mean they're forever these "other" types of people that are to be looked down upon and need to be "fixed". So I'm so sorry that the Christian in your life is treating you this way. She shouldn't be. Just know that Christians are supposed to LOVE, and that they're supposed to SHARE the Truth, not make you feel crappy about your sexuality struggles or hobbies!

Also, I'm only 15, and I'm also trying to get my friends and family used to the idea that I am a merperson at heart. This is probably much easier for me since I'm a girl, and they all know I think differently and have different dreams than the regular human already. I just tell people about silicone tails as an art form, and all the other good things about them. Maybe your family will get used to it if you be a more "macho" mer first, before revealing who you truly are. Maybe telling them about the dicipline and strength required when swimming with a monofin (leave out the words tail for a while, or mer, but DO throw in fish and sharks!).

That's all I can think of. Just know that you aren't alone, and that there are plenty of people who will love you for who you are, and accept you that way. It may take a few years, but I know you'll be a handsome merman someday. Think about it- when you move out, they can't tell you what to do or not do! (unless they are funding your survival still lol). As long as you make good choices and stay out of trouble, being a merman will be a walk in the park! Or... a dip in the pond? Either way, I'll be praying for things to get better for you if that's alright. You sound like an amazing person, and I really do care about you and your walk to merhood- or... swim to merhood? Good luck!

[MermanJamie]

Now I see why everyone on YouTube was recommending I join this forum. I didn't know much about it before I came, but I am so thrilled to be a part of this community. From all the responses to my post, it truly seems like one of the most warm-hearted, empathetic sites I've ever been on. I feel so comfortable on this site, and I'm so overjoyed that I can be myself here.

[Mermaid Lanier]

Hey, Jamie! I'm about in the same position as you with my dad. He thinks he's raised me to be a strong, intelligent woman (who is "not like other girls") and that the mermaiding is silly and childish. When I told him I wanted to be an aquarist, he stalked off angrily saying it was, "because of that mermaid crap." All I can say is hang in there and be honest! It can hurt, but it won't burn like carrying secrets and hiding your true self. :)

[Slim]

I got to very much agree with Lanier comment of "It can hurt, but it won't burn like carrying secrets and hiding your true self." Before you know it, you'll be a 36 year old merman who wish he didn't let his fear (which my case was water) stopping from doing something everyone may look down upon. I may have people looking down upon me but more people are standing up around me because I'm very happy and loving life when I go mermaiding. It's a wonderful feeling but don't let yourself get too much older hide behind what people think as they can only live their life. Only you are capable of living life the way you want too.


Hey, Jamie! I'm about in the same position as you with my dad. He thinks he's raised me to be a strong, intelligent woman (who is "not like other girls") and that the mermaiding is silly and childish. When I told him I wanted to be an aquarist, he stalked off angrily saying it was, "because of that mermaid crap." All I can say is hang in there and be honest! It can hurt, but it won't burn like carrying secrets and hiding your true self. :)

[Alaw ferch Tonnau]

I agree with what Misty Lau says about introducing it from the sporting side. I'd recommend getting regular swimming practice while you wait to get a tail. Perhaps you could get into finswinning as a stepping stone to get your family used to it, as well as becoming a stronger swimmer. As a dancer I know some boys who are in a similar situation, you will meet understanding people as well as judgemental people. Have you told your friends or siblings as they are often more accepting, though my brothers still think I'm kidding when I say I'm a mermaid lol. Your family will almost certainly come around but it may take a while. I know you've probably heard this before but remember that the only person who can decide what you are like is you. Never give up on the things you love.
I'm very sorry to hear about your mum.

[Neerai]

First at all: Welcome, Jamie!

You're really young. And you are now in a difficult part of your life and it's totally normal you are struggling with your family. I think the same than Misty Lau and Alaw, face it like a sport. Swimming is a really healthy sport, and you can start speaking to your family about swimming as a new activity. Then you can study about the ocean and some about sea biology. If your family sees the ocean like something positive for you, why not? And then... start with a monofin.

Going out the tail closet is really difficult for everybody. I'm a grown woman. I'm 31. And I work in a office. Is not easy for me to say anybody "I want to be a mermaid and I'm saving a huge quantity of money for buying a tail". Most of people will be rude with you even if you are an adult so... See the positive part for you and show that positive part to your family.

Your nanny will not argue if you are swimming as a sport. And a monofin is quite discreet. When you feel confident about yourself and your skills, use a fabric skin. And don't forget this: you deserve to be happy.

A big hug and lots of love for you!

[MermanJamie]

Hi Alaw ferch Tonnau! Part of the reason why the whole merfolk community appeals to me so much is that I'm already a competitive swimmer. I'm not the fastest person on the team, but that's probably because my stamina is pretty bad. A little before my first year, I found the community. I shyed away from it, though, because I thought it would just come and go. Well, it left for a little while, but came back soon. I wasn't even thinking about it, but now because I've been on a swim team, and I've been swimming since I was a little boy, the community stands out to me even more.

[MermanJamie]

Hi neerai! Like I said in another comment, I'm a competitive swimmer. My family knows about my love of swimming, and through the team, I got to be with people who I could really relate too, and who shared some of my interests. I guess if I give it some time to improve even more, even though I'm a senior member of the team, it might become even easier.

[Misty Lau]

If you're already a swimmer, I think mastering the dolphin kick would be an awesome step, and also ask your coaches and swim friends what the advantages of a monofin are. Pass that along to your parents, and ask to get one. Or don't ask, but I'd suggest asking first, just so they aren't taken by surprise when you do get one. I'm sure that a monofin is going to pave the way for you, no matter how long it takes.

On the other hand, I just have a cheap pair of flippers and swim with a... non-polished, self-taught, probably completely terrible dolphin kick. I used to hate swimming (several bad experiences, and doggy paddling at 15 isn't too flattering. XD). I also used to be terrible, not even able to swim without gasping and flailing...... okay so I wasn't really swimming. But with some type of flippers or fin, I feel sooooo comfortable in the water. That and a bunch of other things made me realize the siren I am.

Completely forgot where I was going with that paragraph. I must have had a point when I started writing it lol.

[MermanJamie]

It's funny, I recently realized that what brought my thoughts back to all the videos which guided me to this community, was my singing. I love musical theater, but lately I've been kind of self conscious about my talent. I've always wanted to be in the show The Little Mermaid, and I was recently thinking about how my voice was like that of a siren, while I was singing a slow paced pirate song about the ocean and mermaids. When I think pirate songs, I usually think upbeat and jolly, but this one was slow and gentle. I think two of the distinct qualities of my singing voice are its deepness and my vibrato. While I was singing, I thought "Hey, remember those great videos I used to watch about mermaids? Why'd I ever stop watching them anyway?" At first, I just looked at some of them, but over time, it became more apparent to me how great this seemed. All those years ago,I never told my family before about the interest, but between swimming and singing, it should be less of a crazy reaction.

[Misty Lau]

I sing a little, I'm not too good though. My range is very smalllllll... but since you mentioned singing, I've got it in my head that if we ever met, we'd go to a beach and sing some kind of siren song. IDK, that just sounds like so much fun to me. XD

I don't really go anywhere though so I doubt I'll ever meet anyone on this forum. UNLESS I go to Mermania but that won't be until I get my tail... which would be anywhere from when I'm 20 to 25 lol.

[Takahao]

I love singing too! I have a crazy good range. I can sing the bottom 3 1/2 octaves of a piano, with vibrato, just like you, @MermanJamie. Siren, as you describe it, is a very good way to put it. I unfortunately face some of those same issues, in regards to the definition of masculinity and merfolk. I mean, I'm a Boy Scout, woodworker, guitar player, who plays with Lego, watches cartoons, and a furry. All I can say, is nothing defines your value as a person, and you as a man, more than your virtue, courage, honor, and love. Stand tall in all things you do, and own it.

I wish I could get a tail sometime soon, but I'm stuck in that same boat. Not likely for another 4-5 years in my case.

[MermanJamie]

It's difficult. I've only really told one or two people. I'm just kind of stuck and scared. One thing that I've noticed lately, though, is that singing on the beach is amazing. No matter what I do or say, I still always feel a calling to the sea. It's kind of embarrassing when some random old lady hears you singing Part of Your World or an old sea chanty on the beach, but the wind and waves are so relaxing, and I feel like I can just belt it to the ocean. It's really an amazing feeling, because most of the time, I'm by myself, so I feel like I can really be myself.

[StellaMaris]

As many of you on this thread are saying, I'm in the same situation too. The only difference is that my family is not very religious but instead very accepting and tolerant. The thing why I don't tell my parents about my passion is because they would think it's too childish. I should focus on school and keeping by grades high.

But besides that I also write stories, especially fantasy and scifi. I see there some way to tell my parents one day about my passion. Because I'm a fantasy writer I also believe in mythical creatures and mermaids. I think that I can make my parents clear one day that I feel myself attracted to sea life and mermaids and make the link to my fantasy stories (that I feel myself more attracted to mythical creatures, mermaids, because I write fantasy). Still I think it's not the right time now. School takes a lot of me. But as a kind of pre-mermaiding I'm thinking on swimming with a monofin. As some mers here above have already told: begin with a monofin and tell people it's for the sport and begin to build it up from that point with the goal to be a mermaid/merman.

So my (little) advice I can give you is: link your passion with something else. Something people accept as "normal" (like writing fantasy stories). If they first begin to accept those passions, the real passion becomes also more easily to accept for them.


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[Dogfish]

At the end of the day a hobby is a hobby and you don't have to explain it to anyone. My best advice is wait until you are older; when you reach adulthood you can do pretty much whatever you like. I worried a little about explaining some of my hobbies to family (I was fortunate they have always been genuinely supportive, but even so) and when I was old enough to live away from home, have my own job, it just clicked that I didn't need to request approval. It will get easier as you get older, certainly. Once you are out of school you find that everyone has their own shape outside of a cookie cutter system.

Also, don't feel you have to explain anything even if people ask. I just tell people what I'm doing if they ask me, I don't excuse it; most reactions are altered based on your own approach or confidence in the subject matter. It's not always easy, but you should never have to apologise for a hobby, whatever it is, when it isn't hurting anyone :)

[Aurelian]

I'm also sort of in a tough spot with my family, but instead of them having an issue with the activity itself, they don't approve of the price of a tail. They say that it's a waste of money to get and that I should be saving my money for more important things. I just want to be able to show them that this IS important to me and that I want to pay for it, but I'm not sure how.

[Ashe]

(Sorry for the post hijack, Jamie) Hey Aurora! First, I'd like to ask what type of tail you are looking at. There is a gigantic price difference between a fabric and silicone tail. I can understand your parents not approving of a silicone tail, especially since (I assume, I may be completely wrong) you are new to the community. But for a fabric tail, there's loads of cheap ways to find a tail. All you would really need is a used monofin and some fabric on sale from your local craft store :) Let them know that!

It also depends on your age and income, both of which I don't know. I'm seventeen and I have a job, so I allow myself to indulge a little more in materials for tailmaking. Luckily, my parents have been supportive of my mermaiding (they see it as an art form and think it's cool when I interact with kids) since day one, but it took them a little while to understand that it wasn't just a phase that I would grow out of when I was younger. So maybe they'll come around later.

[Aurelian]

Hi Kalani. I'm looking at a fabric tail similar to FinFun. My parents think that the $100-or-more price is way too much, but it's the least expensive reliable tail I can find. I'm hoping to discuss making my own tail with them, my main worry being that they won't trust my tailmaking skills :p. As for my income, I don't have a steady job, but I do get paid to play music at churches and other events with my family, so I'm still making money, but not as much and not as regularly. Also, I'm pretty sure most of it is going to college funds and other things. My parents respect my love of mermaids and will help me in any way they can, but they seem to think that getting a tail is a little out-there. I'm hoping maybe I can show them that I'm not crazy for wanting a tail and that I will work hard to acheive my dream.

[Dogfish]

I'm also sort of in a tough spot with my family, but instead of them having an issue with the activity itself, they don't approve of the price of a tail. They say that it's a waste of money to get and that I should be saving my money for more important things. I just want to be able to show them that this IS important to me and that I want to pay for it, but I'm not sure how.


the way I would look at it is it's no worse than people buying a wedding dress or a expensive handbag, golf clubs etc - people spend lots of money on things all the time. If you can validate that it's your own money that you earned, and it's something you use often and get genuine joy from then it's worth it. After all, people spend lots of money on vacations thats a one off experience, let alone stuff they enjoy everyday.

Depending on how old you are, why do you have to tell them how much it costs anyway? :P

*edit* just saw your other post, sounds like you are at home still/studying etc. If you are going for a fabric tail then you can definitely save up for it with birthday money or a job, if its your money I really wouldn't worry about justifying it too much