Dealing with Abusive Personalities

[AniaR]

I've noticed a trend in the mer-community. Many people seem to be self identified highly sensitive, or people who consider themselves giving and passionate. As someone who would think that about herself, one of the bigger struggles I've faced both in my personal life and my professional (education and mermaiding) is abusive personalities.

I think some of you know from following me for a long time, or from reading articles about me, that I had an abusive parent. Dealing with an abusive parent primed me to be a floor rug for abusive personalities. It was my legacy in life to just be accommodating and walk on eggshells. When you're an adult it's not always physical abuse (though it certainly happens) it's people who harass you, maybe sexually harass you (happens a LOT for mers, I see it constantly in comments) maybe they just constantly troll you (see that a lot for some of you on youtube), they talk down to you constantly, belittle you, disrespect you, and generally are just extremely aggressive. My mom used to play bad headgames too, like "if you don't do/say ________ then you don't love me!" Maybe someone has a specific agenda against you because of your religion, sexuality, gender, or something else... God forbid I know some of you even deal with racism. Maybe you just have a really nasty person at work!

I wanted to share a status I just put on my FB about this. A few of my mer-friends who mostly are NOT on mernetwork have been writing to me about dealing with abusive people/bullies. For some it's people in the mer/tail maker community, but for a whole lot of them it's just people in their life. They know I've been through what I have and they want advice. I figured, if this many people are experiencing this I bet some people are experiencing it on mernetwork.

It always is easier to tell someone how you think they can better their life- but it's a lot harder to walk the talk. I just wanted to remind people before I share my post that ignoring can be powerful. Press the x button on a window, or delete a comment! Filter your email so certain people are either blocked, or go straight to spam so you dont even have to see it. if it's a person on FB delete them! If you're too scared to do that- put them on your limited profile or unsubscribe to their stuff until you get brave. If it's a public page, unlike it! Turn comments off! In the real world, talk to your HR person if it's at work. DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. If it's a family member minimize the contact with that person. Move (don't laugh- I did it!) and don't give them your address. Change your phone number or become "unlisted". Make your FB non-public. If anyone wants any other advice based on my experience feel free to write here, PM me, or email me.

Here's what I wrote:
It's funny how predictable abusive personalities can be. In all the books they encourage you to put down a boundary- but warn you that no matter how careful you are an abusive personality will ALWAYS explode in response to said boundary. I have experienced that a lot in my life as I have removed certain people. I'm sure you have too. It always is a bit mind blowing to me to see how insane a person can get in response to a politely worded boundary. The stories it generates, the gossip, and obsession.

It's not easy to put down a boundary with people like this, and it's not easy to maintain after they come at you. But I want to encourage ALL my fans to put down boundaries when you feel unhealthy or unsafe with a person. You DON'T have to suffer abusive personalities in your life. It doesn't matter if they are family or friends, if they wont respond to your boundaries you do NOT need to keep them there! I know it can be scary and sometimes it just seems easier to walk around on eggshells with a person rather than deal with the fault out. But when you do that you're enabling that person to continue being abusive- not just to you, but to anyone else.

On my mermaid page I have often shared my personal struggles with health, abusive personalities, and barriers- because I want to inspire others. They've been documented in many news paper and online articles as well. I remember what is was like to be an eggshell walker. It wasn't until someone spoke up like this that I was able to get help and change my life. it will always be worth it to me. Even though those people will always turn up somewhere and cause stress. I want you to know you DON'T have to live with it :)

If some of this status rings true for you check out these books:
Stop Walking on Eggshells- by Randi Kreger
&
Boundaries by Anne Katherine

I'm asked frequently how I became articulate online and I would attribute that to these books. Happy reading, and remember- don't let someone else live rent free in your head! A person only has as much control to ruin your life as you give them. ♥

Love always, Raina!

[Mermaid Celissa]

Aw Raina, I didn't know, I'm sorry! :( My grandma tried to kill my uncle (who is deceased now, due to suicide) and left terrible voicemails on my mom's phone telling her how horrible of a mother she was, she didn't deserve children or a job, etc. Abuse is just...terrifying.

[AniaR]

Yeah, My mother left me terrible voice mails. I literally gave the phone to my boyfriend, went out, bought a new one and changed my number. I only listened to the beginning of each for about 5, then when I realized the mailbox was full of her I was all done.

Don't feel bad for me though. My mom hasnt been in my life for 3 years and I work actively to keep abusive people out :) The beginning is what's hard, because many of us tolerate abusive people it's hard getting them out. Once you get them out, it's just a matter of not letting new ones back in :)

I just wanted people to know, there is hope and they don't have to feel so alone!

[Mermaid Celissa]

Thanks Raina. My mom can't even answer her phone if the number isn't recognizable because she's scared it'll be her. It's creepy because she can't remember what she did (mental problems) so she'll call on occasions like a birthday and sing the birthday song, but she just sound so sick. It's really disturbing.

[AniaR]

ugh I know that feels. Give your momma a big hug for me.

[Morticia Mermaid]

Thanks for sharing Raina! I've had to deal with a lot of abuse in my life. I like to think it has made me a stronger person. I was abused by my brothers dad growing up. It was a lot of mental and emotional abuse. I ran into the same thing with my biological dad. And sadly I just got out of an abusive relationship not too long ago. The guy I thought was my best friend, at least he was till we got together. He slowly started separating me from all my friends. I didn't notice or even realize what was happening till he was all I had left in my life. I left him shortly after and he continued to abuse me, making it all like it was my fault. I knew it wasn't. When I was finally too tired to deal with it anymore, I had been hoping maybe the person who had been my friend would come back, I ended up deleting him and blocking him from every profile wherever I was friends with him. Oddly enough I wasn't sad or upset about it. Because I knew the person who had been my friend disappeared a long time ago, if he was even my friend at all.

[Mermaid Celissa]

Alrighty. We just stay out of contact and right now we're working out the details with family over my uncle's unwritten will, probably not the best time to bring it up, but I'll show her a picture of you and say, "This mermaid loves you! :D" Wish you the best of luck with your mother!

[AniaR]

Lexia that breaks my heart. Abusers often shift the blame to the other person. Saying it's their fault they act a certain way, or that the behaviour is deserved etc. An abuser can never takes accountability for their actions, and will only apologize in certain circumstances.. which really doesn't mean a thing because they turn around and do it again. I'm glad you're out of that relationship. if you're still experiencing stuff (I had a crazy ex who sent me stuff years after we broke up, all stalker like) and need to talk to someone feel free to PM me. <3

[Morticia Mermaid]

Thanks Raina. I could really use someone to talk to every now and then. He can't send me anything as I have him blocked, but I've known him since August of 2009, I've seen how he was like towards all the women who became his ex's. He would stalk their profile and such, insisting that something they posted was about him, even though it never was. I left him a couple months ago, and since I have been talking to the guy I was with before the abuser. My old ex and I have gotten back together. He is in the marines, but he was always the one person who was able to make me happy. He and I have been able to figure out and work through what it was that made us separate in the first place. We are even going to be getting married in the next couple years. And he is VERY encouraging and supportive of what I want to do and where I want to go with my designing.

[Mermaid Celissa]

You can message me too, though I'm younger and not as experienced.

[Morticia Mermaid]

Thanks Celissa. Age doesn't matter. Sometimes all someone needs is someone to listen, they don't even have to understand, they just need to be able to listen

[AniaR]

agree. Age doesn't matter. It's insane the things some people have lived through! Im glad you're with someone who makes you happy now Lexi :)

[Mermaid Arianna]

PM me anytime if you need to talk guys

[Morticia Mermaid]

Thanks Raina, and you too Madeleine

[Mermaid Fenicia]

Raina, you're not the only one here with abusive parents. My father tried to rape me twice and my mother always abuse me mentally be course then she know I didn't had any prove of abuse. She also used me as her personal slave. When I was 20 years old, I finished school by that time, I left home and went to leave on my own. I still see my father once in a while, but my mother doesn't want anything to do with me and she went to unsubscribe me as my mother (said that she did this).

[Azurin Luna]

Those are awefull stories *hugs to all*

My parents kept me mentaly a kid, so I never learned how to behave in certain situations which demanded big disissions cause they always did that for me. Luckly my bf is patient and thaught me alot of how to be mentaly more mature, though he must atmid that some 'childish' streaks are nice to keep

[SilverSiren]

I didn't know I would not only find people who shared my love of mermaid here but also people I could relate to on such a personal level. My mother was mentally and emotionally abusive my whole life. She always made me feel like I was stupid, that my want to make art a career was useless, picked on me for little physical flaws (doing this all in front of others for maximum embarassment) she told me a few times that she wish she left me with my father and that I was a mistake.

Parents sometimes have so little understanding on how they effect their children, how their words cut and sting far more than any playground bully. At 28 years old I finally had enough. I stood up, I felt the spark that lived inside of me grow to a raging fire, and I left. My step father, who is a good man and took much abuse from her too, left soon after me. I feel that I gave him a little bit of my fire to stand up and say "no more". She has, of course as Riana pointed out, blamed us for her current misery. "Misery loves company" guess that's never been more true.

It was VERY hard for me to do it though. Heck, I stuck around for 28 years! But I'm happy now, I have friends that encourage me to be my best, complement my achievments and are very supportive. I have a new family now, fulll of no one related to me but one, full of love, understanding, support and whom I would die for and believe would do the same for me.

Don't take the abuse! The grass, in this instantance, is MUCH greener on the otherside! Your capable of more and worthy of all the love you can handel! I can't stress that enough. For me it took my "brother" asking one question "If your mather was not your mother and just a friend you knew, would you let her do this to you?". No.

(Please excuse my typos, no spelll check on phones, lol)

[AniaR]

Raina, you're not the only one here with abusive parents. My father tried to rape me twice and my mother always abuse me mentally be course then she know I didn't had any prove of abuse. She also used me as her personal slave. When I was 20 years old, I finished school by that time, I left home and went to leave on my own. I still see my father once in a while, but my mother doesn't want anything to do with me and she went to unsubscribe me as my mother (said that she did this).
I'm so sorry you went through that. You might find the book "Toxic Parents" helpful in healing. I know I did! *internet hugs* <3


My mother was mentally and emotionally abusive my whole life. She always made me feel like I was stupid, that my want to make art a career was useless, picked on me for little physical flaws (doing this all in front of others for maximum embarassment) she told me a few times that she wish she left me with my father and that I was a mistake.
Sounds very similar to my Mom. I think you should really check out the walking on eggshells book. It helped me SO much.

It was the scariest thing of my life to boot my mom out. But after I did it and survived I felt empowered to not take anymore shit from abusers, so I started kicking others out of my life too. There's a quote I hang on to, "If society had your mother for a mother, it wouldn't talk to her either." I find people who don't know what it's like to experience abuse- especially when it comes to a mother- will use the "you only have one mother" excuse. As if that's supposed to wipe away everything they ever did.

My life took off when I got rid of my mom. So much of my life was based around dealing with her- I didn't realize how enmeshed with me she really was. It's a scary thing to do, but I always want people to stand up and kick those people out. Not only will they be safer and happier, they'll start to be able to focus on themselves !

[SilverSiren]

Sounds very similar to my Mom. I think you should really check out the walking on eggshells book. It helped me SO much.

It was the scariest thing of my life to boot my mom out. But after I did it and survived I felt empowered to not take anymore shit from abusers, so I started kicking others out of my life too. There's a quote I hang on to, "If society had your mother for a mother, it wouldn't talk to her either." I find people who don't know what it's like to experience abuse- especially when it comes to a mother- will use the "you only have one mother" excuse. As if that's supposed to wipe away everything they ever did.

My life took off when I got rid of my mom. So much of my life was based around dealing with her- I didn't realize how enmeshed with me she really was. It's a scary thing to do, but I always want people to stand up and kick those people out. Not only will they be safer and happier, they'll start to be able to focus on themselves !

Agreed. I felt empowered too. It was really nice not dreading seeing someone once a week, wondering what new embarrassment they had in store for me or if they would blame/belittle me because they had a bad week. She would also not listen when I talked about something I was excited about and would interrupt me whenever I spoke, in a very "I'm bored of you now, I have more important things to say" sort of way. She has also physically abused me a few times, and not the typical well deserved spank on the rear, more like, digging her nails into my skin because I'm being a little too hyper in front of her new boyfriend kinda way. "You only have one mother" GOOD! because if I had to deal with more than one of her I would have gone completely insane!

It was hard, your right, but I too have felt that its opened up my life to more loving and empowering experiences. I no longer wonder if what I am doing will be approved of, I don't care if it will be approved of by anyone, just me, I'm the only one I need approval from. It's just me inside my head now, not my mother spewing sewage. Another thing your right about too, I do feel safer. I lived in fear of her most of my life Now I don't feel that anymore, no sickening pit in my stomach or fear too speak up. It's so very wonderful to feel free, my mother was my prison.

Thank you for bringing this up Raina, I don't talk about it much because I don't feel like anyone I know really relates to it, so it's been nice to speak about it with someone who "gets it". I'll look into that book... as soon as I am done reading the third Hunger Games book, lol, I'm a sucker for books.

[AniaR]

oh the gaslighters I know :p thanks for sharing

[Mermaid Crystal]

Oh.... this made me feel very fortunate for the life i had anyway... *hugs*

[MermaidSaku]

I Dealt with the very thing with my birth mother and to this day even being a 22 year old woman i get night terrors about what it was like. If i get yelled at or treated the same way as she did by someone new in my life i get sick instead of trying to defend myself with the power of my voice..i struggle and can't seem to get the words out x.x

[AniaR]

aww I want to give you a big hug, I haven't had my mom in my life for 3 years and I still have nightmares about her. I think my biggest fear is that somehow she'll get back into my life without my choice. Also, I would totally freeze up when people treated me the way she did. Then I went to therapy the 3 years she's been out of my life. I literally learned how to respond instead of react. It also helped me figure out some people in my life who shouldn't be there. Someone who cares about you will respect a boundary. They may not like it, but in the end they will respect it. The people who push you to the point of tears and keep pushing your boundary do not deserve to be in your life. Sometimes, you have to kick them all out and practice on the kind people- keeping your circle tight until you gain the skills to let new people in and meet new people.

I know for me, part of the reason I end up in drama in the community is because I refuse to let people who constantly try to push my boundaries in. Unfortunately, some people I let in before I realized what they were like- and that can happen very easily to people like us. After dealing with abusive personalities for so long we really just are tired and want to see the good in people. You really have to look at certain things- it's like being at a cross roads- and decide "Am I ignoring this person for the right reasons or because they scare me? Is now the time to put a boundary down or do I let it go?". And sometimes it can take a while to figure that out.

If you EVER need to talk about momma issues just PM me. I know how hard it can be when everyone else is blathering on about "only have one mom" lol <3