Living with mental health issues

[Lotus]

Hi guys,
I wanted to open a thread about mental health and illness, because I want to share something with you all. I've struggled with my moods my whole life (I'm 32). I remember telling my mother, at a very young age, that I knew something wasn't right in my head. My parents blew me off when I tried talking to them about it, dismissing me as simply being lazy and irresponsible. Many times I was told to just "snap out of it" or to "just stop being that way". I guess since I look normal on the outside and since my issues were not as severe in my youth it was easy for my family to just accept that I was moody and difficult. I was often very misunderstood, not only by my family and peers, but also by myself. I still am misunderstood. People don't get that my brain functions differently than theirs, and that I don't mean to be this way. For the longest time I thought talk therapy and maybe some anti-depressants would help me sort it out, but it never did. Usually it just made things worse. Here's a basic run-down on how things go for me... I never know from day to day how much energy, focus, and self control I will have. I am very productive some days but some days all I can manage is taking care of my kids and animals. I'm very grateful that these issues have not interfered with my ability to care for my children. It's also important to mention that on the days I'm not doing so well, I don't take very good care of myself. I'm short-tempered and irritable almost all the time, I am very forgetful and get distracted easily. I'm disorganized. I am terrified of the criticism of others. I get upset and cry easily. And I have PMDD- or pre menstrual dysphoric disorder- which is basically PMS on steroids. I literally go bonkers about 5-7 days before my period, but level out within hours of my period starting. I've been this way my whole life, but it's gotten a lot worse in recent years. It's now become so serious I'm losing weeks of my life to the mental and emotional roller coaster I'm powerless against. I've been avoiding getting treatment for the underlying cause of all this for a long time. I finally took action last week when I realized that this problem is literally ruining my life and the lives of everyone I love. I have accepted that without treatment I will continue to get worse, and could some day, in a fit of anger and self-hate, seriously harm or kill myself. I spoke with my gynecologist about it, because I trust her (which is super rare for me) and she and I both agree that I am, most likely, Bi-polar- more specifically, rapid cycling bi-polar 2. I had been told this once before by a shrink, but chose to ignore it because I hated the guy. I have an official psych eval soon, and I'm eager for answers and a plan of attack in the fight to regain my life. I honestly have no idea how I finally came to be blessed with enough clarity to see this illness as simply that- a medical condition that I need help for. I know that I have to act fast before my mood shifts up or down again and I blow off getting help. So, why did I choose to share all this with you? ...
Because I know I'm not alone, and I know how isolating and sad it feels to live with mental illness. I want other people with issues like mine to know that it's ok to admit you need help, and to seek it out. This is just the beginning of my journey to wellness, and I will continue to post here with my progress. Hopefully my experience with this will help someone else in crisis. If you are reading this, and totally relate, please understand that you can PM me any time if you need to talk. I want to be a good example for a change, I really hope I can achieve it.

[SeaGlass Siren]

: hugs: thankyou lotus

[Mermaid Varshana]

You did the right thing. I am a high functioning autistic with social anxiety disorder and what is probably dysthymia. After years of being in and out of therapy, I decided to commit to it when I realized that my autism-imposed isolation was causing me to resent humanity. I'm supposed to change the world. I shouldn't let the world change me - not like that. I've had several friends over the years refuse to admit that they have problems ruin their own lives and make other people miserable. At least one of them didn't even believe that most mental illnesses are legit ("If you grow out of Borderline personality disorder, it's just a phase.")

[Lotus]

Thanks Kakarotte. And Andrea too.
Update- got an appointment next Weds at 0930.

[Mermaid Octavia]

*hugs Lotus*

Reading your description, I thought too that your symptoms sound like rapid-cycling bi-polar disorder. The only reason I know that (because I'm not a psychiatrist by any means) is because, when I was committed to the mental health ward in May of 2010, I met two people who had the same problems. I don't know if it will help you feel any better but I absolutely believe thinking about your illness as a treatable sickness, not a character flaw, is the first (and hardest, I think) step in getting it under control.

I have depression and have had it for many years. I always thought there was something wrong with me because I could not overcome it, no matter what I did. I felt sick and sad and disgusting on the inside and everyone around me simply said that I was being stupid, being dramatic/selfish/what-have-you. One day my ex-boyfriend tore into me and told me I ruined his life. In a fit of self-loathing, I tried to poison myself. I snapped out of it a few hours later and called the Poison Control Center and was rushed to the hospital, despite doing my best to wash the poison out of my system.

In Arizona, it is mandatory to be committed to a psych ward if you attempt suicide. Therefore, I was forced to go against my will but it really changed how I viewed my illness. There was nothing wrong with me. Depression, bi-polar disorder, schizophrenia, all of those? They're illnesses and they can be treated with therapy and medicine. Those treatments are not a crutch - we don't consider someone weak for taking medicine when they have the flu! Mental illnesses are no different. That really helped change my life. My medication helps me feel like me again. And I sincerely hope you can get the help you need, Lotus, so that you can feel like you again.

/hug forever

If you ever want to talk, feel free to drop me a line. <3

[spottedcatfish]

Thank you Lotus for sharing. I am glad you are seeking help. I live in a house, my family's house, which has three other bedrooms, which we rent out. We just had a tenant who moved here on Friday, who we (my family and I) believe to have some kind of bipolar disorder. Reading your description, it was very similar to this tenant, though she could have some other problems too. She is not on medication, and in the last few days she has been here (only a weekend) she has violated our rules for the house, and is very controlling, and belittling me, the house manager. She will be evicted tomorrow. I hope you do get on and continue medication and other treatment to treat this mental problem. You are brave for doing so, and I hope you continue to see the benefits of living a life without this condition.

[Nate Walis]

Mental illness is something that continues to have a stigma attached to it as two central myths seem to perpetuate (at least here in the UK) and no amount of positive publicity can put them to rest. The first is that people with a mental illness are pariahs, likely to infect others with their disease if they come into contact with those who are healthy and "normal", the second (which when taken into consideration with the first shows how ludicrous both are) is that mental illnesses that don't see the sufferer secured in a straightjacket are not really an illness at all and simply a matter of the person in question needing to "pull themselves together". It took me a long time to understand why most people didn't experience the world in the same way as me, and I had to go through at least one breakdown and recovery (if the latter can be called that) before I realised that I had been born with synaesthesia and had the additional complication of OCD to add to it as well. To this day there are still people in my everyday life who seem to think that I could simply drop the whole thing if I so chose, which is as easy as someone else waking up one morning and deciding that they were going to stop being left-handed or that they'd had enough of suffering from diabetes and they were going to wish it away.

[Mermaid Pickles]

Ohmyword. I love you guys. I'm sorry, I had to say that before I get my whole issue out. Since I was four years old, I've been on meds. I've been diagnosed with ADD, ADHD, Schizo, Schizo-effective disorder, Bipolar, Asperger's, and probably more things. So basically, according to my current (really awesome) psychiatrist, I'm a mixture of a bunch of things. They've tried almost every medication, and none of them actually do anything. The one I'm on now does VERY LITTLE. I even asked my psychiatrist. People have told me multiple times that there isn't anything wrong with me, but when I go off my meds, even though they do very little, there is a noticeable difference. A very noticeable one. So, I'm not going off those meds for a while, even though people look down on me for it. I'd rather be able to function and be somewhat sensible. My logic gets a bit screwy when I don't take them. I don't understand why people can't accept things. People, even doctors, look at me like I'm sort of scourge to humanity when I explain all my issues and why I take meds. I think it's the schizo bit....but heeey~. Think what you will, people! I'm me, and I'm good that way.
(sorry if that was a ramble, I'm half awake, eating lunch early, and REALLLLY don't wanna go back to work.)

[Lotus]

Thanks to everyone for the support and for sharing. I'm glad we can be here for one another.
@Octavia- I was put on mandatory psych hold in a facility after attempting suicide in 2008 when we lived in Florida. That was, hands down, the SHITTIEST experience I've ever had with mental healthcare professionals. I'll just leave it at that. I'm sorry you had to go thru that, but it sounds like it was a benefit for you in the long run. I'm really glad to hear you are doing well with your treatment.
@spottedcatfish- could be that that gal was having a manic episode, who knows.... I hope having her leave goes smoothly and without incident
@Nate Walis- it's funny, growing up, my family ignored me when I told them something was wrong in my head, but now they are my biggest supporters. My husband, on the other hand, is one of those people who truly believes that with enough discipline and hard work, I can just stop having these issues. He doesn't believe that I cannot control what happens in my head, which is really frustrating and discouraging. There are so many days I just feel like giving up, but somehow I keep plodding forward, however slow. I don't really know how to handle him, to be honest.... because in many ways he's just as moody as me, and the constant wondering what I'll face with him day to day is not helping my situation at all. The difference with him and me is that if I think about it for a minute, I can pinpoint what's actually bothering him, whereas my "brain attacks" come on unprovoked most of the time. I've been working really hard on trying to recognize triggers and avoid them, but since stress is the biggest one and I kind of can't avoid stress in my day to day life (I have three young daughters, a hubby with PTSD from Iraq and I work at a restaurant) it's an enormous challenge.....
@pickles- I ramble too, even when I'm not tired. It's crazy how long you've been on meds.... I have a four year old with a rather wild and unstable personality- I had one doc suggest to me that I put her on ritalin, but I won't unless she gets to where she can't function. She's really smart (all my girls are) but she's SUPER high energy and really sensitive, so discipline can be a challenge. I am working hard with her on brain training at home to help her with her self-control; I hope with the right kind of guidance and direction I can get her into the habit of recognizing when she's out of control so she can calm down. Of course I realize she's really young, but this is a good time to encourage good habits, you know, before she grows up and thinks I'm an idiot lol. I think if I had learned self-regulation in my younger years, I'd be a lot better off today.
@kakarotte- I'm getting pretty resentful of people too, which I don't like. I hate the feeling of suspicion and wariness I have around most everyone I come in contact with... it's like my guard is always up in case there's a battle to fight with some misunderstanding jerk. I know it's mostly in my head, but after so may years of being told that my problems are BS and I should snap out of it, I've lost a lot of faith in the compassion and humanity I used to believe most people had. Now I see everyone as a potential problem. I don't get close to anyone because I don't trust anyone, and I find myself pulling back from my loved ones more and more. I'm isolating myself, and I know that's not good.
There are so many days when I wish someone who doesn't understand what's in my head could just trade places with me for a day. To see and feel and touch and taste the world the way I do. To ride the ride like I do.... but since that'l never happen I gotta keep truckin and figure out how to get this under control. Have a good day everyone. :)

[Nate Walis]

You're not kidding, that sounds like an incredible challenge!

[ThatMournfulSound]

Wow! You guys are amazing for doing what your doing! And you guys are defiantly brave!
Personally, I suffer from anxiety, depression, a bit of dyslexia, and a little known brain disorder called misophonia.

[MerAnthony]

WOW! you folks are amazing to admit that you have these problems an I respect you for sharing them an to admit that you have problems is a big step on the way to recovery. Now myself I have ADD. I am very disorganized. Not a slob but things don't go where they need to be. I get distracted farely easy an sometimes I have trouble on concentrating on a task at hand. It is very frustrating when I am tring to do things that I want to do, plus when I know something has to be done I loose track of my goal. I do not take meds for this. I have tried a ton of them but nothing seems to work. Plus with all the stress I am going through with my family it doesn't help much. Sometimes I feel I just want to disappear from the world. Now don't think unkindly of me for this. It is a problem I have to deal with. An I don't think that my family understands. I still don't understand an I have had it all my life.

[Mermaid Varshana]

Personally, I suffer from anxiety, depression, a bit of dyslexia, and a little known brain disorder called misophonia.

I'm a psych student, and even I've never heard of that. What is misophonia? I assume it has something to do with disordered auditory processing in the brain?

[Ariel-Starfish]

You did the right thing. I am a high functioning autistic with social anxiety disorder and what is probably dysthymia. After years of being in and out of therapy, I decided to commit to it when I realized that my autism-imposed isolation was causing me to resent humanity. I'm supposed to change the world. I shouldn't let the world change me - not like that. I've had several friends over the years refuse to admit that they have problems ruin their own lives and make other people miserable. At least one of them didn't even believe that most mental illnesses are legit ("If you grow out of Borderline personality disorder, it's just a phase.")

i'm also autistic, so; welcome to my world ;) And I know what your talking about...:/

[Mermaid Varshana]

I desperately wish that everyone who needed counseling got it, instead of talking about how hard their emotions are to deal with all the time. And then, when faced with the idea of counseling, say that "It would be a waste of time," "Telling my problems to someone would show weakness and I should be able to control this," and my personal favorite: "It's not really a problem." I have a friend who is probably schizophrenic, but thinks he actually has met Satan and sees demons and ghosts. He seems to have a lot of the positive and negative symptoms. I wish to god that I could convince him to get help.

I do not envy clinical psychologists.

[Mermaid Pickles]

I've been to a psych ward. I was put there because my doctors had screwed up mymeds and had me on eight different ones at once, and quite a few of them were counteracting each other and causing hallucinations...Oh, and that's actually where I got my fear of needles. One of the nurses couldnt find a good vein when they were drawing blood, so they ended up sticking my arms in multiple spots before going with a vein on my hand....I had bruises for at least a week...and yeah. I was there for three months, and wouldn't have had to go if my doctor had listened when my ten year old self told himI was seeing things shortly after they put me on one of the meds. =.= 'Course he didn't. He had me stay on the med and the stuff got worse. I'm good now, though I will be eternally ticked with that doctor.

[AniaR]

I am pretty lucky in terms of all this. I have ADHD. Yes, officially. Diagnosed. I took meds for a brief time in high school and it helped me take my math from failing to a 98. It did make a big difference, but the side effects were brutal so I learned some coping skills and then I stopped them. For me, ADHD makes it reallllllly hard to sleep. So I end up with insomnia. I also have a really stupid and painful bladder disease. A medication I take helps numb my bladder, and the side effects that are good are making you sleepy and helping with ADHD. So I take it before bed and it helps me cope with a lot. The down side is it made me gain 30lbs very quickly, it makes you a sugar addict (It's an actual side effect, no lie!) and gives you pretty bad dry mouth.

I have several painful incurable and largely untreatable diseases. While I don't have any chemical imbalances that make me depressed, I obviously have my moments because living with chronic pain and illness can wear a person down. Thankfully, the med I take for my bladder also helps with anxiety and depression. So really, all that stuff is mostly taken care of for me.

I have had PTSD for a long time- having grown up with a seriously abusive parent and having been through several very traumatic moments, and obviously, being sick all the time is traumatic too. I find most of the symptoms are gone now, having done 3 years of therapy and my meds helping take the edge off as a side effect. The only PTSD problems I find I still have are the thinking patterns. You react instead of responding to a situation (something I still work very hard on), you have bad dreams/night terrors, and you remember bad things in vivid detail even if they're only stupid bad things, and can't remember the good things at all. So I read a lot of books, I meditate, I actively work on those things and for the most part I don't find they bother me or define me.

it's been a long road, I was really lucky to have a great therapist. Of course, that was after going through 3-4 terrible ones

[Lotus]

My appointment is in the morning, and it's a really good thing. I've been in a foul, hateful mood all day.... it started with me foolishly telling my husband I was anxious to get my silicone tail. I got talked down to and put down and dragged thru the dirt for my past mistakes for over an hour, then got a series of sarcastic asshole apologies for upsetting me. It saddens me to say, but I'm pretty sure my recovery will go nowhere as long as we are married. I've denied it for a long time, but I think we are done. I don't think he has the ablilty to let me get better because that will mean an end to having me as a scapegoat for all the things that have gone wrong in our lives. I don't deny that I caused most of our problems, but I fail to see how to avoid repeating them with him brow beating me all the time. Needless to say I've been crying and snapping at everyone all day- it's one of those days where I'm walking a thin line on self control. It's taking all my energy to not break all the dishes in my house and start cutting myself again- (a habit I've been in and out of since I was 14) It's been almost two years since I cut last and it's a slippery slope. I know if I start again it'll be really hard to stop, especially considering that's another thing my husband ridicules me for. I'm just so damn fed up.

[Mermaid Varshana]

It's so very, very hard to admit that a relationship is toxic, especially when you both probably loved each other very much at one point. If you remember this epiphany and go through with it, you might even be surprised at how much of your mood swings had to do with the toxicity of your relationship. That was my experience anyway, when I dated someone who had me believing I was crazy. Positive people go a long way in ensuring a healthy recovery! Good luck to you :)

[Lotus]

Funny you should say that, because when I was discussing what's going on with the intake therapist yesterday I realized that most of the reason for my serious attacks as of late are because of the tension between him and me. That fight started the other day because I lamented about not having my silicone tail yet and since he sees mermaiding as childish and embarrassing, it set him off, which set me off. I'm actually going to list all my mermaid stuff for sale and not do it anymore- I've been shamed for it so many times now all the joy I once had in it is gone. It sucks. I feel so drained and dead inside.

[Mermaid Varshana]

How about get rid of what - or who - is actually shaming you and making you dead inside, and hold on to mermaiding, which i'm sure makes you feel happy on its own? Trust me. Don't surrender who you are because people are shitty. They'll still be shitty people after you do it. Ridding yourself of things you think are the source of how shitty people treat you won't change how they'll treat you. Because they're simply sad, shitty people who like to treat others in sad, shitty ways regardless of what you give up.

[Lotus]

Well, I had my first therapy session- what a relief! I really like my therapist, especially since her approach wasn't "lets give you a diagnosis and get you on some meds!".... it was "let's figure out what you can do now to improve your life and cope with the troubles you are experiencing," She said she was reluctant to diagnose bi-polar or add, but did acknowledge that something is going on.... basically, she described it as a biochemical issue exacerbated by environmental stress. So for now, it's weekly therapy to get to the bottom of the problem, and then figure out what, if any, medication might be beneficial in addition to better self-care habits and stress management techniques. It was really nice to hear someone tell me that I can and will get better. In the meantime, I've decided to not sell my stuff or make any other rash decisions. You're right, Kakarotte, that won't fix anything.

[Bernardo]

Awh your story is touching well these kinda things are actually a part of our daily life sometimes we have to face them and deal with them.
What i feel is it is necessary to have courage for that stuff.Try to change your focus on things that makes you down so you can actually enjoy your life.

[Lotus]

So- it's been a little while since I've checked in here, and I know I said I would....
The summer is almost over and I'm happy to say I feel like I'm finally standing on my feet again. I've been in counseling, I started running, and I recently joined a weight loss clinic. I feel a million times better mentally, and things are better with my husband and I. Counseling made a huge difference right away, because I had a neutral party listening to me, seeing my situation from the outside, helping me nail down the things that are really making me nuts and how to deal with them head on. A HUGE help was learning how to deal with my husband. Some of you may have heard me rant about him from time to time, but here's a fair and accurate summation of his personality- He's a man of his word. If he tells you he'll get something done, he will, and in a timely manner. He's very organized, and very clean. He hates a dirty, cluttered house and he generally always picks up after himself. He had extremely high expectations of me, and very little patience. He pushes himself to his limit every single time he mountain bikes and tends to look down on people who don't. Needless to say, we clash. It always used to drive me nuts that I'd suggest we take a leisure ride together or go hiking together, but he always turned me down, saying simply "I hate going slow," or "I hate running,"..... so I took the advice my counselor gave me and LEARNED TO SAY NO TO HIM. When he suggests we go on an "easy" ride (this means 12 plus miles of challenging uphill terrain), I look at the route myself if I don't already know the trail and decide if it's something I can do without killing myself. IF it looks like a fun but tough challenge, or if it's WAAAAYYY longer than he says (something he's notorious for) I simply tell him I would like to ride a different trail. I don;t mind pushing myself, but I know when I'm not going to be able to keep up with him and when I don't he gets really annoyed which hurts my feelings. One day he actually asked me why I started turning him down for rides so much, so I told him the truth (which I've bottled up forever); "Because you expect me to enjoy pushing myself until I throw up, and I think that sucks. I don't enjoy riding with someone who rolls his eyes at me every time I need to take a break. It makes me feel really bad, and frankly, very angry with you. I like to spend time with you, but I don't want our alone time to be filled with bad feelings,"
and when it came to mermaiding, I told him no with my actions. I know he gets embarrassed by it, but I've stood my ground on it by painting tails in the kitchen, and leaving them to dry there too- I used to always run to put up my tail stuff when he got home, but I don't anymore. Instead, I keep my area tidy and organized and put everything in it's place when the tail is dry. Basically, I respect his wishes by keeping the house tidy and clutter free and don't give him a reason to tell me to put up the tail stuff. And when he asks me to do something for him, I take the time to evaluate whether or not I have the time to get it done and base my answer on that. I stopped piling more onto myself than I can handle. I've made my health a priority- I told him I want to loose weight and I was going to join a WL clinic- he resisted at first (why can't you just do it on your own?) SO, I sat down and worked the budget so I can afford it, showed him we could, and then signed up. I've lost almost ten pounds so far. Taking a stand for myself without being a confrontational bitch has made the biggest difference in my life. I still deal with weird attention issues and lately I've been downright exhausted, but I'm dealing with it a MILLION times better. Another thing that really helped was cutting alcohol out of my life. I do have one or two here and there, but I don't drink heavily every day like I used to, which makes a HUGE difference. So anyway, thought I'd give you all an update- back to painting!

[Mermaid Varshana]

Oh, I'm so happy things are better! Counseling really does save people and relationships. It's hard to stand up to people while keeping a level head. I think some people go overboard when they try to take back power in relationships and become total douchebags. It sounds like you're just being reasonably assertive :) With most people, you absolutely need to have clear-cut boundaries or relationships get fucked.

[deepblue]

Just a vent.

I am having the worst brain day and I totally did it to myself.

Quick note- I won't be getting into details, nothing for a trigger warning or the like, because this just isn't the place for that.

BUT. I have a gnarly past and having been recovering for the past 20 years, and absolutely focused on that for 10 or so, I'm pretty darn well recovered for the most part. I do have major depression, and I have a dissociative disorder which I don't talk about because it's so often misunderstood, misrepresented by Hollywood (of course), and even my last psych doc said most people he sees who claim to have it are faking or are using it as an excuse for other personality disorders, but he called mine 'an affliction'- okay, so point being, it can be as gnarly as my past. I also have depersonalization disorder, but I haven't had that happen in so long, I'm very grateful. The two latter are trauma-related, the depression is, well, who knows- it could be anything, and docs think it was all the steroids I was on as a kid, for asthma, coupled with everything else.

Anyhow, I decided that at this point I wanted to write something using my past to base a fictional story on, and then from a certain point the whole take is metaphor for my life after a Big Traumatic Event. How I survived, the failures and successes. And I thought I've been recovered enough, but noooo, it's like I'm digging up the dead and they're dancing on my head.

*headdesk* So I stop for a while. I dissociate in my sleep, am dreaming from other perspectives, and wake up disoriented. I'm touchy and over-sensitive, angry, confused, and I keep having to pull myself together. Which I have.

But I'm just so frustrated, because I have this 100% original story, the first 11 pages of which are getting rave reviews from friends who want to see more, and I cannot write it because I have to make sure I don't fall apart. But I want to write it in that way only writers can know- I have to.

GAH. Thanks for the vent. Living with mental crap is a giant pain in the arse.

[deepblue]

Also, I kill threads. haha

[Lotus]

It's cool, Deepblue. I started this thread for exactly this reason. I sincerely hope you forge on with your recovery (which I'm sure you will if you've already been at it for 10 years :) )

[deepblue]

Thanks, Lotus. I'm actually doing much better.

I've worked on my stuff 20 years, but didn't have the official diagnoses to help until 10 years. And I actually am kind of kick-ass in the whole progress department, defying doctors predictions... but it still sucks.

I stopped writing the story that triggered it all in the first place. As much as it pains me. I need to be focusing on my mer tale, anyway- this was sort of an in-between time, when blocked on Beyond the Sea.

And I had met a new guy, which also made my head go wonky- and that's upsetting because when I was in more pieces I actually had no problem meeting new guys in terms of it affecting my mental health. I've had a fecking bad trade off. More general stability but the moment my trigger is hit in the relations arena.... all bets are off. I used to be fine with that, but not generally stable.

So my goal is to be stable in both.

[Lotus]

Stability is hard. Really hard. I think even people who don't experience mental health issues it can be really tough to find a balance in all the rooms of your house, so to speak. I too am in a struggle for stability- as I said in the forst post, I never know what to expect from day to day. Some days I'm focused and calm, others I'm a fraking wreck and can barely do the dishes. One thing I did finally realize is that my job is one of my big-time symptom triggers. Just knowing I have to go in the next day or that day or whatever causes me to be in a place of serious anxiety all day. I've finally gotten to a place where I can move on from that job, and I am looking forward to putting it behind me. I know for a fact it'll help me a lot to be out of that environment.

[Elle]

There is a lot of negative stigma about mental illness. you think about all your criminal shows out there and every criminal is schizophrenic, bi-polar, suffer a psychotic episode, psychopath or sociopath. That's a lot of negativity on a select group of people....

I have issues with anxiety and was medicated for that back in high school simply because I was passing out, vomiting or having panic attacks because of my anxiety.
Quick question though for anyone who has been in a mental health ward
I'm studying nursing at the moment and doing my mental health unit. I do my clinical placement for this class later in the year and I was just wondering (don't feel you have to answer)
1. What is the worst thing about mental health wards?
2. Are there any plus sides?
3. How are you treated by the staff while staying?
4. Would you change anything about how the staff interact with you?

[Amphitrite]

I have emotional and mental health issues. For a while now I have been crying frequently due to circumstances and I've recently started having panic attacks again. Must find something soothing to do. But I'm not sure what...

[Lotus]

@ Elle, I'm sorry I can't help you with the information you're looking for. I was placed on a mental health hold one a few years back, was not an inpatient. It was a terrible experience.
@ Amphitrite: I posted in the "better body" thread about this a little while ago, but I'll transfer that to here, since this is a discussion about mental health. I started running and increasing my mountain biking the beginning of the summer because I was having a really tough time dealing with my mental stuff and exercise releases endorphins- your body's own pain killers! I also changed me eating habits. High levels of sugar, starch and fast food make me even more irritable than I tend to be naturally. I seriously recommend you take a look at your diet and exercise routines and see where you can make improvements. I've found that taking care of myself has gone a really long way to helping me cope with stress and whatever imbalance I have. Let me know if I can help!

[deepblue]

My depression has been wreaking havoc. After having had a lift in it for months, this feels worse than I remember. I can't exercise right now because I don't have enough food- I have enough to feed my daughter and I'm mostly going hungry, which also has a lot to do with it, I imagine. I don't qualify for help, and food banks are not an option (which I'm not going to explain because I'm sick of it), and I have one thing of value left to sell... but I think October might be worse and I'm holding onto it.

This is horrible timing. I just started dating a great guy who's totally cool with my Dissociative disorders. I didn't want him to see me like this. Depression is so much worse, really, because I feel so dead inside.

[Mermaid Varshana]

I'm sorry Blue :( It's good that you can feed your daughter, but it's unfair that we live in a country where parents still go hungry to do so. Hold on. I can't say I understand what it's like to starve because I have a child to feed, but depression sucks. Mine has gotten so bad this semester that I've been having noticeable suicidal ideations. I say "noticeable" because it's like thoughts that float around, and then surface every so often. But we will be okay, I think. It's a matter of remembering to keep breathing and not being afraid to talk about it.

[deepblue]

I would love to say I have no idea what's going on, but I actually do. Depression is its own thing but it also gets worse when my dissociative disorders act up. And they are. It's because I'm in a new relationship. My triggers are things that are part and parcel. Which is maddening, because logically and consciously, I have no problem. But I'm having nightmares about something I can't even really go into here only because it would take so much explaining and I don't know that most people can handle it anyway. I have so much to do and I can't even think.

But I have this one huge 'blessing' or whatever I can call it- I'm always okay with my daughter, and while mothering. It's been easy to dedicate myself to momming, because it keeps my head clear. Even if it's pretty much only where she is concerned, that's more important than anything.

[Mermaid Octavia]

1. What is the worst thing about mental health wards?
2. Are there any plus sides?
3. How are you treated by the staff while staying?
4. Would you change anything about how the staff interact with you?

I just saw this and thought it might help your studies. I was in a ward in 2010:

1) I can only speak of my personal experience, but I was utterly terrified. I was told by a social worker assigned to me that if I did not go voluntarily, I would be court-ordered to go to a mental health ward. I was in such a state of shock that I was in no way capable of truly processing what was going on. I think the social worker could have been more compassionate and understanding and been less forceful/cold when explaining these things to me. I mean, come on, it was 8AM, maybe eight hours after a suicide attempt. I think being a bit more compassionate would have greatly benefited my mental state. So I think the "going in" experience was the worst part for me.

2) The food was awesome though being monitored while I ate was weird. I know why they asked me how much I ate and would check my plate (they had some people with eating disorders on top of whatever mental illness put them in the ward), but it was still uncomfortable! The beds were nice, the staff was lovely and very compassionate.

3) Initially, I was treated with kid gloves (which probably relates to them not knowing me and being careful around all new patients coming in) but after they got to know me, everything was fine. Everybody was very nice, very pleasant and polite. I enjoyed speaking to many of them, especially the resident chaplain even though I'm atheist. He treated me with the most respect and I was truly touched by his kindness.

4) Nothing, really. Though I was very polite and am always even-tempered so they could probably relax around me more than the other patients who might have been unruly or a problem.


In response to Lotus and others and reading their stories, I enrolled in counselling. I had my first appointment on Monday and I really like the therapist. My goal is to work on not hating myself and not being so afraid of men and sex. Physical intimacy brings me anxiety attacks and I don't trust men in romantic settings because of several factors I'm trying to work around. I've got good feelings about this therapist and have another appointment on Monday. :)

Amphitrite - I've found that, if I stress out a great deal, exercise helps me greatly. If I can't swim, I'll go on jogs around the neighborhood. Maybe a good walk for 30 minutes would be soothing and help out? Exercise releases endorphins to help you feel better.

[deepblue]

Octavia, I'm glad you linked to your shirts in your sig. I had not seen that thread.

I'm nearly as badly back in depression as I was before it lifted for those 2-3 odd months. My boyfriend is being exceptionally cool, and he understands because apparently he had experienced true, clinical depression 10 yrs ago or so. But between this stealing my ability to write and the general really awful fatigue and all over tenderness... if it were not for my child I would not be getting out of bed for days.

And I just want to have the depression lift again like it did. Inexplicably. Like it did.

[Mermaid Kalliope]

Wow.... So, after reading everything... I kind feel bad and such for even wanting to post here. :-/

Reading back, I wanna put this in first: I know I have ADD and I struggle with it everyday. Hindsight is 20/20 and I see myself being distracted. I keep meaning to go to the website, but I, well, get... distracted. Go figure. Also, I have had suicidal tendencies, but have never acted upon them. I still struggle with them from time to time.

Growing up, I've dealt with a mother that has gods know what kind of mental problems, and a brother with a list a mile long that was constantly changing. So, in turn, I had to become the "normal" and "stable" one in the family.... At about eight years old. My father was absent for the first 14 years of my life and my grandma was the closet thing I have to a proper mother. Nothing against my mom, I love her and all, but I'm far much closer to my grandma.

I've always considered myself to be "normal" and not have any problems. How could I? Other than my grandma, I was the only functioning person in our family! But then when I actually moved to live with my grandma and removed myself from the living conditions with my brother and mom... I noticed that I don't quite think the same as everyone else and that I have these... I don't... tendancies? They feel like mood swings, but I've spent the past 16 years or so teaching, training and learning how to not show it. I'm always a happy person. But not on the inside. I just want to break down crying most days, or stab someone. Hardly controllable violent urges to just STAB people or squeeze the life out of my cats. They scare me and I try to ignore them I never talk about them to anyone. In fact, this is the first time I've ever said anything about it.

I'm actually on the verge of crying while typing this... I'm trying not to because my roommate is sitting right here.... Who's another factor in my mentality of "There couldn't possibly be anything wrong with me."

She's one of those people that, well, quite obviously suffers from some sort of mental illness. She's super moody, depressive, anti-social, constantly negative, shuts down, shuts people out.... I could go oooooooooooon.... but how DARE I think that I could possibly think there's something wrong with me. Obviously I'm normal if I don't have all those outward symptoms. It doesn't help that when I try to talk to her about it, she just brushes it off. "No, you can't possibly be bi-polar (which my ex swears I was, but I'm not saying I am)." or "No, you don't have this, you couldn't possibly have that. You're not quite blah blah blah" -.- GEE THANKS. So you're saying that there is NOTHING wrong with me? That EVERYTHING I try to look up couldn't POSSIBLY apply to me, yet she's convinced that she's autistic... I don't get it. I really don't. I have friends who are autistic and I understand that it is a spectrum illness, but I've had people (and a doctor here or there) say that I might be autistic. But, because all I've ever been diagnosed as is ADD(ADHD at times), I don't take anything they say to heart. I don't think I'm autistic, but it just.... It's frustrating that I borderline a lot of things, but the little check boxes never add up to something "being wrong".... It's just like "Oh, you only have two symptoms" or maybe three... Never ever enough to be helped. I just wanna know how to work on my problems with out being told that they aren't BIG enough problems to deal with...

I've hidden so much of myself that I'm not sure how to even go about talking about my problems and what not. :<

Worst of all... I can't even afford to go see a therapist, so I see no point in talking about it if no one I talk to can really help. Augh... I just... I just wanna cry and curl up.

[deepblue]

I'm glad you could come here and get that out.

I don't blame you, having a concern about being labelled. On one hand, it's great that more people understand various parts of the autism spectrum. But like with any diagnoses, if one becomes sort of 'popular' there are always going to be people diagnoses with it who don't actually have it. Because the therapist is missing something, or no good, or whatever.

Personally, I know what my issues are and why, yet I still fit quite a number of criteria for being considered to have Asperger's- but I don't have it. I simply have some of the same characteristics, and if someone did not know my background, they wouldn't understand why and might assume it was Asperger's. One of my best friends has Asperger's though, and I can see our similarities, but we got our characteristics from two totally different things. One small example? I don't make eye contact. It's very rare. It makes me very uncomfy. But for me, that's due to a background of growing up with an abusive father and the particular life I had. For my friend M, it's because she's wired like that.

I recall when Borderline was a popular diagnosis- for the one or two people I knew who genuinely seemed to be Borderline, I knew a bunch of others saddled with the label who went onto be diagnosed with something else. Same with bipolar... for the few people I knew who were diagnosed bipolar and it made sense, there were always people diagnosed with it and then went on to really show they did not have it.

Me, I was misdiagnosed for many years before a doctor got it right, and I can tell you that proper diagnoses for me was a life saver.

Every problem we have is big enough to work on. If something is keeping you unhappy or from fulfilling your potential, it is worth working on. If you can see a therapist, you can be clear- you want talk therapy only. No meds if you don't want them, or at least tell them you don't want to start with that, unless you think you really need it. A diagnosis can be helpful to give a framework of approaching your issues, but it doesn't have to mean medication or limitations.

Chances are, you're just a human being (mer :p) dealing with being human in the world and it's not easy. Everyone has problems to work on, and tackling them makes you strong and brave. No one has to know, btw. You don't have to tell anyone your personal business, and if you want to come here and tell us, we'll be supportive.

[Mermaid Kalliope]

Thank you, deepblue.

I'm actually currently in a depressive rut at the moment. Triggered by someone last night. He's pushed me to almost suicidal thoughts. :-( I'm too afraid of dying to try anything, but it doesn't stop me from wanting to be gone...

Like I said to my friend: (language warning)

I feel like shit and there's no point in existing. Nothing I do is ever good enough, I'm constantly wondering if I'll have a place to live. Or wondering if I can do something without pissing off my roomate's dad. I just ugh... I've been walking on eggshells for far too long.
I'm constantly wondering if what I'll do piss someone off. My roommate, her dad, her grandma, my uncle....... I'm just fucking sick of it. I want it to be done. Over. Gone.

The worst part is, I have no way of getting away.

[DexRicon]

That feeling...like you're drowning and the surface is but a dim light above your head as this feeling of overwhelming doom starts to wrap itself around you. But your own words say that you're stronger than you think you are. You realize that you need to escape. People go their whole lifetimes in horrible situations thinking 'this is just the way life is' without the understanding that escape is an option at all. But you know you're better than that. You want more. Maybe you don't know how to get it yet, but you can tell that it's out there and that you deserve it. Oddly enough, from what I can tell from your online persona, I can come to the confident conclusion that you're right.

[Lotus]

Kailani, I PMed you. Please read and know that I understand. Don't feel guilty for posting here! I'm glad you did! Write me any time.

[Mermaid Kalliope]

DexRicon - it took me a few times to understand what you said, but now that I do, thank you. I do feel like there is so much more I could be/do and there should be a way out. I just keep getting put down or knocked back every time I try to make things better or fix things. *sighs*

Good thing is, suddenly things seem to be getting/looking better for me... so, knock on wood.

[DexRicon]

Ahem...just reread what I wrote. Yeah, that was borderline unintelligible. Maybe I shouldn't try to post while exhausted. Happy you understood it though!

[deepblue]

I'm personally doing a lot better, depression-wise. And the dissociation problems have finally receded- I knew they would after being with my bf for a while, but when going through it, it is such hell. I'm so lucky I landed this guy, and I didn't even 'settle'- he's honestly a total score, including that he's so naturally getting this whole thing with my mental problems. With no experience or background with mental illness at all, he's really just one of those people who gets it.

Anyway. I am stil depressed a lot but not like it was. I still can't write. All my creativity is gone and it's hard to convince myself it was of any value, even to myself. But at least it's a little better than it was.

Also, he's freaking taking me to Disneyland tomorrow. !! Haunted Mansion! Pirates of the Carribean! I'm so glad the depression has a lifted a little, I want to enjoy it. And if I'm as depressed as I was, I'd be numb the entire time.

[Mermaid Shayna]

Now I'm crying. Hang in there everymer! *group hug*
I'v suffered from so many things throughout my life, although it's now mainly anxiety, depression, aspergers, ADHD, slight agoraphobia, and chronic migraines.
I'm the same, Kailani. I'm too scared to kill myself, but I sometimes just don't want to live anymore. Sometimes I even wish I were never born.

We have to be strong. It's not fair, but it's true. There will always be people putting us down for things we can't control, and it hurts!
So, we have to stay strong. It will all work out eventually. And this shows that there are others out there who struggle in this world, people who understand. People who care.
Honestly, that's what helps me the most, knowing that people care.
*Extra cuddly hugs for everyone*

[deepblue]

Just an update- things are so much better right now. I've had some pretty bad depression moments but more time without than in months- and the dissociative stuff has nearly gone back into its cave and I'm barely experiencing it. Which is what I've worked for. I only had one brief moment of near-flashback because of some bad lighting, which was just... dumb. The mind can be hella annoying when it's used to going down certain pathways, even while getting used to mostly not. Luckily I have an amazing, truly amazing, boyfriend. He gets everything on such a gut level. It really helps to have that kind of support, and this man who loves me so much and tells me how he wants to get me a tail in the future, once we're settled in a life together. Pretty cool to have someone who supports the mer dreams.

[Mermaid Adriel]

depression time for me, too, and I haven't found a good therapy yet :doh:

[deepblue]

We all have to do whatever we can to support ourselves through these times. I know, sometimes it's impossible. Before I was a mom, I'd spend days in bed, sleeping and barely moving or eating, getting out only to feed and give water to my house rabbits.

Back then, it was so bad, that's when I first experienced hallucinations related to the serotonin drop. It's weird enough to have hallucinations, almost weirder to know they're hallucinations, but that is (my psych doctor told me) what makes them different from what a schizophrenic person goes through.

It's been years since I had hallucinations now, though. Things can get better, and I can't even take meds.

[deepblue]

Two things.

One- Days like the last few make me so grateful I never killed myself. Which sounds silly but other who have the kind of depression that tells you to go find a way to die understand how much work it takes to ignore that voice, remind yourself that depression is a lying bastard, and keep going. It's the good days like these that I use as ammo when in the worst of it. When all my brain will do is take the light from me- everything literally appears darker to my eyes- and removes all tastes- nothing tastes of anything, my favorite foods are like ash to taste, there is no flavor- and not even 300mg of caffeine can increase my heart rate because the depression is so fucking bad... I remember these days and that life still comes with enough of these to make it worth fighting, even after all this time.

Incidentally that also reminds me how people without depression do not fecking get it. People who think you can snap out of it or think yourself into a better mood have never experienced what it is to someone with severe depression, and some of them have no clue that there is a different paradigm for some than what exists in their brain, and we have to ignore their incredibly ill informed, myopic suggestions and (hopefully) take them as intended, with care.

Two- I may have severe depression, and dissociative disorders and PTSD, but you know... sometimes you will see a so-called 'sane' or 'normal' person go totally insane over something and all I can think is... at least I'm not crazy. Crazy is as crazy does. I know schizophrenics who're more sane than some of what I've seen so many so called normal people do.

Seriously, this shit is all subjective. There's not really anything *wrong* with any of us, esp when compared to those who seem to have no self-awareness and live their lives in what certainly looks from the outside like a constant shade of chaos, attempting to make molehills into mountains just so they (perhaps) don't have to stop and look at how messed up the real stuff is that they're not dealing with.

Verbose, yes, but I think people in this thread understand where I am coming from. My so called sane, brilliant father who created weapons of mass destruction was a brutal madman. I'm considered mentally ill, and I literally go out of my way to not hurt a fly. lol

[deepblue]

My friend killed himself. I'm so sad, not just for the loss of this guy, but because... all the years I've fought to stay alive and ignore the urges that so many of us with severe depression understand, I was able to. I've been so close- not for a few years now, which is great- but I have been so close and I was always able somehow to tell myself, don't do this, things might get better, and you'd hate to miss that. What if things get better, and you're not there to see it. And the depression would lie and say it's not going to get better. But still, between having house rabbits who depended on me and a mom who'd be devastated, somehow I was able to not ever take things that far. I had a psych doc once who'd ask, "Your next appt is in a week, are you going to try to kill yourself before then?" And I'd say no, and he'd ask "Why not?" and I always answered the same, "I might get better, and I don't want to miss it."

My friend didn't give himself that chance. While I understand the illness that made him not give himself the chance to see a better day from the perspective of one who's been in that same awful place so often... I am so heartbroken for him and his family. His twin brother, his friends. Things might have gotten better, Ash. I never thought they would. And on good days, I am so grateful I was able to not listen to the lies in my head. He wasn't able to do that. Rest in peace.

*triple post because no one else has posted here. And that's good- it might mean people are having a better mental time right now. I am. I'm just so very sad.

[SeaGlass Siren]

Blue... You need a really big hug right now. I've lost friends as well. Not from depression but unknown causes.
Ive also been in your situation where I was in a constant cycle of depression and contemplating suicide. I understand completely how you must feel. It's a vicious never ending cycle.

If you wana talk about it some more u can pm ne

[deepblue]

Ah, thanks SeaGlass. I've been dealing with it since I was 9 years old, but consistently since I was 14, so I am grateful to have what I think is a pretty good handle on it now. My docs think it was caused primarily by the massive amt of steroids I was on growing up- for asthma. My sisters and I were all raised in the same messed up household, but I'm the only who got depression.

You're right, though, I seriously needed hugs today. Thank goodness my bf was here, and he kept checking on me, and making sure I was okay. He knows I have what I do in my past, and he knows this death affected me on a couple levels. *hug*

One of the things that I keep thinking about... well, two things. One, my friend J (a gay man) has been in love with the guy for like ten years. One time he told J that if it weren't for his religion, he'd be J's lover... and a week later he said he'd rather kill himself than be gay. :( The other is that he was into me for a long time, wanted to ask me out but J told him it was a bad idea. I'm a big ol Pagan and Ash was a big time God and Jesus guy. And I wasn't interested in more than friendship, so I kept a certain distance. He was super nice, but I couldn't take his approach, so I kept that distance and never got very close. Still, he spilled a lot to me once and it cemented it for me. That distance was best- he was very good looking, and it was tempting but he and I would have been so wrong. So I never got to know him like I could have, but I did know him and see him a few times a month for almost 10 years. He was a friend.

[SeaGlass Siren]

aw.. :sad eyes::hug:

i have a similar situation to yours. i remember when i had a mild concussion on my head in grade 11-12. and then a year later that's when the vicious cycle started. i had a friend like that too but he stopped contacting me after i proposed to my hubby. now it's like our friendship never existed. i liked him in the 9th grade, but then after when i started dating my hubby that's when he decided to return the feelings :| but i kept my distance like you did. he hasn't died God forbid but it seems like he's in a depressive state. he never comes out, he doesn't talk to anyone unless he wants to, he stopped working and coming out of his room... i'm seriously worried about him. ad i keep having recurring dreams about him that started in grade 11.

that's great your boyfriend was there. emotional support (y)

[deepblue]

Tonight's club night, we're going dancing at the usual venue. Normally, I'd see Ash there, as I have every club for ten years.

The DJ's going to say something about his loss... I don't know what, but I trust her. His twin brother and sis-in-law will be there.

This is not going to be easy.

[SeaGlass Siren]

was everything alright?

[deepblue]

It was very difficult. A lot harder than I thought it would be. When we walked in, they shortly thereafter played a song that reminds me strongly of my friend Carla, who died in 2009. I had a friend die in November, who I found out about in December, one week after my friend Jesse died in December. Then in January, Ash killed himself. So not only was I grieving Ash's loss, but I don't think a lot of people would have been doing all that well. I have the added difficulty of no longer being dissociative most of the time and I have to navigate and cope with emotions and the like that I am not used to really being hit with like this. Which is good, it's life and I like being present. It's just that it still feels new when it's powerful stuff. But my BF is awesome and was there for me, as always.

I kept thinking I saw Ash, because a few guys there have a similar style- it's a dance club, so there's a lot of black jeans and sleeveless ts, to keep cool. I couldn't even get into dancing til Midnight. I was just... gah, my eyes kept getting teary, I miss him. And he would have loved last night- a guest DJ was the guy who created a musical project I know he loves. I ended up going out into the nice cold night air for a few minutes, and was able to go back in in a better head space. His twin bro didn't end up going, apparently, and the DJ ended up not saying anything about him. Maybe she couldn't think of anything to say.

So yeah it sucked and it was also great because I know if anyone would want everyone to keep dancing, it's him.

[SeaGlass Siren]

aw... :hug:

[Aino Revontuletar]

Well I spent a good chunk of last year in hospital due to my mental health issues, so I can relate. I have Asperger's, severe depression and anxiety, (which I have had for most of my life, not just a seasonal thing) and what they think is some sort of personality disorder but they can't really categorise me.

[deepblue]

It's hard to imagine how you can be diagnosed with a personality disorder if you have Asperger's. It seems to me it would change the whole model.

[Aino Revontuletar]

It's hard to imagine how you can be diagnosed with a personality disorder if you have Asperger's. It seems to me it would change the whole model.

Yeah, they were testing me for a personality disorder, and discovered that I didn't really fit any one in particular and found that the traits I had that indicated a personality disorder were actually typical of Asperger's. Sorry, should have been more clear on that one

[deepblue]

Ah, no worries. That makes sense though. I have a friend who's been diagnosed and rediagnosed so many times over the years... she finally got the Asperger's diagnosis, and it finally makes sense.

Daryl Hannah is autistic, too.

I got diagnosed and rediagnosed too many times myself, and finally someone got it right and looked at PTSD and related disorders. The depression, my docs believe, is from all the steroid meds I was on as a child, and there is more and more proof of them causing mood disorders.

I did have one doc who thought I might have Asperger's but the diagnosis was very well known at the time... but no, I have dissociative disorders, and some of it mimics Asperger's type symptoms.

Anyway, in the long run, being dissociative has been very helpful at times. lol And when the time was right, I got my head together and now I do quite well most of the time. I'll just never get used to how STRONG emotions can be. Holy cow.

And yes, I identify with 7 of 9 from ST: Voyager way too strongly. :p And I don't have the same baseline for emotional development so I rarely come across as my actual age, even in person, since a number of years were stolen from me by the disorders.

[Merman Chatfish]

depression time for me, too, and I haven't found a good therapy yet :doh:

My therapist wants me to move somewhere more populated in hopes maybe making some good friends, but one of the reasons I don't want to leave is because I have such a good bond with her.

[Merman Chatfish]

Ah, no worries. That makes sense though. I have a friend who's been diagnosed and rediagnosed so many times over the years... she finally got the Asperger's diagnosis, and it finally makes sense.

Daryl Hannah is autistic, too.

I got diagnosed and rediagnosed too many times myself, and finally someone got it right and looked at PTSD and related disorders. The depression, my docs believe, is from all the steroid meds I was on as a child, and there is more and more proof of them causing mood disorders.

I did have one doc who thought I might have Asperger's but the diagnosis was very well known at the time... but no, I have dissociative disorders, and some of it mimics Asperger's type symptoms.

Anyway, in the long run, being dissociative has been very helpful at times. lol And when the time was right, I got my head together and now I do quite well most of the time. I'll just never get used to how STRONG emotions can be. Holy cow.

And yes, I identify with 7 of 9 from ST: Voyager way too strongly. :p And I don't have the same baseline for emotional development so I rarely come across as my actual age, even in person, since a number of years were stolen from me by the disorders.


Many have also suggested i might have Asperger's. I don't actually but I show many of the same symptoms due to my inability to make friends and because my social skills are that of an elementary school kid. I grew up without friends thru elementary, middle, and most of high school, so when other people developed social skills normally mine was stuck when I last had friends, when I was 5 before I moved.

[MermaidCelesteFL]

I think I'm Bipolar II, seeing as the bipolar part didn't kick in until last year. I was diagnosed with clinical depression at age 12. Probably after months of cutting myself on a bi-weekly basis. And thinking about suicide since I was 5.

I have now been dumped twice because my boyfriends couldn't handle my mental health issues.

I'm on a boatload of medication for my bipolar issues, and even then, I can't get control of myself all the time. The doctors put me on Effexor, and never told me the side effects consist of throwing off my center of balance, vertigo, and hearing voices when I skip a dose.

I have been committed three times in my life, once for *considering* suicide when I was 14, once for suddenly hearing voices in my head, and once as a Baker Act for no good reason. I'm still stuck with a 400 dollar bill for being escorted in handcuffs by police to a mental institution. I have also grown to hate therapists and have stopped going altogether, because /all/ of my previous therapists only made my condition worse, or had me committed. No therapists, not ever.

I can't stand having a mental condition and being told by EVERYONE to just "stop being so moody", "pull yourself together", "not be bipolar", and "stop being such a downer". It feels like nobody can truly understand me.

[Merman Chatfish]

I realize you guys probably arn't psychologists, and I will talk to mine about this when I see her, but I wouldn't mind hearing your thoughts.
My best friend has been busy the last few weeks and we haven't been able to talk much. I asked her tonight if there was anything wrong. I think my friends in college got me trained to worry I did something wrong if I stop hearing from them, because usually it was. I know my friend is busy, but more and more my logical side is having trouble keeping my emotional side in check. As it gets worse it makes it hard to sleep and makes my depression spells worse. It kind of seemed that she has resulted in PTSD. Thoughts?

[Mermaid Sirenia]

Lotus, words cannot express my support of you not putting your daughter on ridalin. My sister has ADD and ADHD, and starting at 8 years old she was put on ridalin to help her focus and do better in school. She is extremely intelligent but sometimes her ADD caused her to become distracted and her grades to drop. Though it did help her focus, I will never forget what my sister went through while she was taking it. Almost immediately while taking it she became less energized, depressed, and sometimes even angry. She wanted to stop taking it so badly, but my mom wanted her to continue so she could do well in school. She was judged by others because of the way she acted on ridalin, and became so depressed that while at school her 8th grade year she locked herself in the bathroom and slit her wrists in an attempt of suicide. Luckily she didn't make it deep enough of a cut before someone found her and took her to a doctor. She then stopped taking ridalin and only took it if it was truly the last resort (ironically tea and coffee actually helped more) she is extremely happy now and a hard worker at everything she does. I'm so glad those days are over. Ridalin also stunted her growth she is 5'2 which she has been since the 7th grade, her show size actually shrunk from an 8 to a 6, which I didn't think was even possible.

Now I'm not saying to not put your daughter on it, I'm just giving you an example of the risks so you can be aware of what could happen.

Anyways I just wanted to thank you all for sharing your stories! I find you all truly inspiring to be willing to share your stories with us :) I'm planning on majoring in Psychology in college (next year) and want to be one of the good psychologists out there ;) I know there are a lot of bad ones out there. So many just do it for their paycheck and not to actually help others, it's quite sad

[Miyu]

Shifting from the B!TC# IT OUT! thread over here... (I have a few posts over there if you'd like more context:


Wow, the housemates sound obnoxious. Orthorexia may not be officially on the books yet, but any eating disorder, even a recently discovered one, is a legitimate health issue and should be able to go in either of the threads you mentioned. I can understand wanting to eat healthy, but if it's interfering with your life then it's a real problem.


The thing is, I don't consider it to be interfering with my life - I'm more than happy to politely decline on the parts of the meal I don't like - most people don't even notice, until something happens like the entire meal is cooked on teflon, at which point I want to cry because I'm conflicted between being polite and not wanting to eat something I'm legitimately scared of. I had to talk myself into eating breakfast yesterday because of it. Not that I wouldn't eat breakfast at all - I was actually planning on having my favorite yummy yogurt treat instead, but I kind of got guilted into eating what I was given anyways...

[deepblue]

I realize you guys probably arn't psychologists, and I will talk to mine about this when I see her, but I wouldn't mind hearing your thoughts.
My best friend has been busy the last few weeks and we haven't been able to talk much. I asked her tonight if there was anything wrong. I think my friends in college got me trained to worry I did something wrong if I stop hearing from them, because usually it was. I know my friend is busy, but more and more my logical side is having trouble keeping my emotional side in check. As it gets worse it makes it hard to sleep and makes my depression spells worse. It kind of seemed that she has resulted in PTSD. Thoughts?


I don't know if your therapist will consider it PTSD- or if I would which doesn't really matter lol- but when we've got experiences that have been rough and it happens enough, then yeah, our minds default to the idea that it could be happening again when similar events line up. PTSD, I personally think, is a lot bigger than this going by personal experience (for instance, I have flashbacks and because it's been common for me, I get them even for things I don't think were all that traumatic so much as just really hard, even though the flashbacks are sometimes extremely brief thank dawg) BUT that does not mean that what's happened hasn't given you a trigger and a stressor, and so it is affecting your depression.

I hope your doc/therapist can help you find a way through it.

[Naufra]

I just want you all to know how brave and strong you are. I also have a mental health condition, though I'm always reluctant to admit to it publicly and especially reluctant to reveal my diagnosis because of the associated stigma, and I know just how hard it is to even perform basic life functions on some days. I've even had episodes where my doctor told me he would support a decision to go on disability. A couple of meds changes and a whole lot of sticking to the program later, I'm functioning pretty well, holding a good job, and going back to school to become a paraprofessional. I had to work very hard to get to this point, and I still slip back into the old problems sometimes. It's NEVER going away. I used to wonder how much of my personality was the illness and how much was really me, but I've come to realize that the two could never be separated because even though it doesn't define me, it has shaped me my whole life and will continue to.

We all have to keep fighting, but we can make it.

[Merman Chatfish]

For everyone, do you tend to be public or private about "abnormal" mental health issues? I tend to be public, one of the reasons is I know it tends to be taboo and people think they are alone and I want people to know they are not alone and there is someone they can talk to if they want.

[Merman Chatfish]

We have been sharing about our personal mental health issues, but I want to say something to those of you who are friends of those with depression and other things. First, thank you for being our friends. Sometimes we have trouble showing our appreciation, but you mean a lot to us.

Something I learned from my depression and when my friends try to help me is the usual "it will be ok" doesn't help that much. In all of us we have a logical side and an emotional side. Usually for people their logical side keeps their emotional side from going nuts. When we are having a bad night, our logical side has lost control of our emotional side.

When we are told we will be ok, it's too far in the future for our emotional side and so it means nothing. Our logical side already knows it will be ok in time, its already tried using that. What is needed is to calm down the emotional side enough our logical side can get back in control. One of the best things for our emotional side when we are sad and lonely is to hear "I am here for you". One of the scariest things for our emotional side is to alone, and people have heard or experienced it before, friends abandoning them when they need them the most. "I am here for you" is the most warm and comfortable blanket we could ever have.

I hope this helps.

[Amphitrite]

I tend to be extremely protective of my privacy where my brain injury is concerned. I'll tell people, if absolutely necessary, that 'I have a bad memory' or 'I'm sorry, I've forgotten your name. It happens a lot *smile*' But I would never tell someone I have a brain injury. I'm sick of people asking me LITERALLY 'are you stupid?' or, if I tell them I have one and then ask for a little help to remember what they said like a piece of paper and a pen they respond with some form of 'I'll do it myself/get someone else to do it'... So I'm very, very careful. I also feel like I don't want to get to know people by sharing those details with them because usually it goes downhill for them and I find it exhausting to try to personally correct (in a kind, compassionate way), the error of thinking everyone with a brain injury/whatever is exactly the same.

On another note, I'm getting sick of therapists, because, as one who DOES have a brain injury and for a person for whom change and uncomfortable situations are very hard it's not pleasant when a stranger comes into your life and then dumps ideas/things into your life before talking to you. I'm glad therapists exist and I'm glad for some of mine. Some therapists can be pretty awesome, but unfortunately I've had a lot of bad experiences. That being said, if you need therapy GO for it!

[Merman Chatfish]

I tend to be extremely protective of my privacy where my brain injury is concerned. I'll tell people, if absolutely necessary, that 'I have a bad memory' or 'I'm sorry, I've forgotten your name. It happens a lot *smile*' But I would never tell someone I have a brain injury. I'm sick of people asking me LITERALLY 'are you stupid?' or, if I tell them I have one and then ask for a little help to remember what they said like a piece of paper and a pen they respond with some form of 'I'll do it myself/get someone else to do it'... So I'm very, very careful. I also feel like I don't want to get to know people by sharing those details with them because usually it goes downhill for them and I find it exhausting to try to personally correct (in a kind, compassionate way), the error of thinking everyone with a brain injury/whatever is exactly the same.

On another note, I'm getting sick of therapists, because, as one who DOES have a brain injury and for a person for whom change and uncomfortable situations are very hard it's not pleasant when a stranger comes into your life and then dumps ideas/things into your life before talking to you. I'm glad therapists exist and I'm glad for some of mine. Some therapists can be pretty awesome, but unfortunately I've had a lot of bad experiences. That being said, if you need therapy GO for it!

May be because I was in special ed and with other "stupid" people but how does someone go from brain injury to stupid?

That is one advantage I have about the therapist I go to you don't have...your therapist most likely has never had a brain injury and so can only go based of people's research. My therapist has had her own depression problems and she so can relate well to me on most things. There are things she has trouble with of course, one being why I seem to push people away when I try and make friends because she doesn't see that with me or her family members who know me but we both know it happens with my peers.

[Amphitrite]

That's an excellent question and I have no idea. *shrug* That's just the reaction I get from other people on occasion.

That's an interesting thing. I often feel like 'how can they relate'? And of course, you don't have to have a brain injury or whatever to relate to various aspects, but it can be hard to feel... connected? with them. It's often a wash of 'we are making you live every aspect of your life this way because that's what we think is best'. And they never tell me their expectations beforehand and then when they do tell me I get frustrated because I've asked them to tell me in advance and then they never do. Maybe I should expect less of them, I don't know. Not sure if I could really handle any of this stuff long-term.

[Merman Chatfish]

It's often a wash of 'we are making you live every aspect of your life this way because that's what we think is best'. And they never tell me their expectations beforehand and then when they do tell me I get frustrated because I've asked them to tell me in advance and then they never do. Maybe I should expect less of them, I don't know. Not sure if I could really handle any of this stuff long-term.

What they should be saying to you is "we are there for you, let us know what we can do for you". I have learned from knowing people with disabilities and interviews on tv, the worse thing you can do is treat them like a child and do everything for them. People know how to ask for help when they need to. Just let them know you are there for them if they need you.

[Amphitrite]

They chose the former vs the latter. Really left me having very little respect for them, especially knowing they are therapists and are supposed to be helpful with this kind of thing. >.< Having rough nights for various reasons and it doesn't help that there's this THING between me and them because they did just that.

[Merman Chatfish]

They chose the former vs the latter. Really left me having very little respect for them, especially knowing they are therapists and are supposed to be helpful with this kind of thing. >.< Having rough nights for various reasons and it doesn't help that there's this THING between me and them because they did just that.

The therapists or your friends? Sorry I confuse easy.

[Amphitrite]

My therapists. And no worries. I do too sometimes so ask any questions you need to. :)

[Merman Chatfish]

My therapists. And no worries. I do too sometimes so ask any questions you need to. :)

Do you know anyone else with any brain injuries that you could talk to? might work better.

[Amphitrite]

I do but we're all in very similar situations and often are using the same therapists. Gah. What a mess.

[Merman Chatfish]

Well at least thats someone you can talk to that can relate to you better. You would think if those therapists see other patents with brain injuries they would understand it more.

[Mermaid Nessie]

I've been struggling with anxiety since the age of 13 (I'm now 19) and only got help with it when I was 17. I know how horrible and heartbreaking it feels to be shamed for something you have no control over. I used to, sometimes still do get worked up over stupid and irrelevant details. I remember as a kid, there was this one restaurant we would go to and as soon as I stepped foot in the door, I would get this overwhelming feeling of panic, like I needed to get the hell out of there because something bad was going to happen. I used to feel panicked if someone looked at me the wrong way or said something in any kind of tone that wasn't happy. An awesome therapist and some meds helped me deal a lot with my feelings and learn better coping skills with a clear head. Although I still do have anxious tendencies every now and then, it is not even comparable to how it used to be. I used to have multiple anxiety attacks on a daily basis, my best way of coping became running away, literally just going somewhere (outside or I walked to the beach) to just breathe and get away from people.

[Merman Chatfish]

I've been struggling with anxiety since the age of 13 (I'm now 19) and only got help with it when I was 17. I know how horrible and heartbreaking it feels to be shamed for something you have no control over. I used to, sometimes still do get worked up over stupid and irrelevant details. I remember as a kid, there was this one restaurant we would go to and as soon as I stepped foot in the door, I would get this overwhelming feeling of panic, like I needed to get the hell out of there because something bad was going to happen. I used to feel panicked if someone looked at me the wrong way or said something in any kind of tone that wasn't happy. An awesome therapist and some meds helped me deal a lot with my feelings and learn better coping skills with a clear head. Although I still do have anxious tendencies every now and then, it is not even comparable to how it used to be. I used to have multiple anxiety attacks on a daily basis, my best way of coping became running away, literally just going somewhere (outside or I walked to the beach) to just breathe and get away from people.

I once hid in my friends closet during an anxiety attack.

[Amphitrite]

Nessie that sounds rough. I'm glad you are finding ways to help yourself with it. I used to have panic attacks but I chose numbness (of a sort) to deal with it. I don't get them any more but I often cry and become anxious and overwhelmed during nights. I'm wondering to myself if I should use my therapy light for fifteen minutes or so at night to help with that, but... I don't know. I just know that it is more difficult at night and I am losing. Not suicidal or anything just really... really upset. I like talking to people on here because I can be open and feel 'safe'. I try talking to Mom but she just says some platitudes which are very true but don't really... help (although I feel they should! :p ) and the therapists are like 'just get over it.' The main reason I am here is not that I think I'll ever get a tail (trying to be honest) but because it's fun to see other peoples' dreams. Thanks to all the wonderful people here and on fb! :)

[Merman Chatfish]

If you have a light might as well use it. I love my mom. She is very supportive when I need her, even though I tend not to because I don't want to make her worry. You know there are usually 3-5 of us online about this time of night you could always hop into the chatbox and chat. Only members can see it and the text disappears after an hour so that helps with privacy.

[Merman Chatfish]

So this isn't a mental health issue itself but it came up while I was meeting my councilor today. I told her about mermaiding because I was telling her how I was finally socializing with people with common interests. She didn't know what it was so I cover why people are mers, what they do, how they make or buy tails, its not we all believe mermaids exist but we are or have interests in being merpeople for different reasons. Her response: "Thats on the south side of crazy."

[PearlieMae]

Nice way to be judgemental. Yeesh!

Just remember, someone had to graduate at the bottom of the counselor class.

[Mermaid Sirenia]

Yes because we all know it's crazy to live our dream while making children's dreams come true as well! Lol but in all seriousness as your counselor she should have been supportive of it rather than saying thay, if it helps you then why say it's crazy? It's not like you're doing anything bad!

[Mermaid Nessie]

My therapist loved the mermaid stuff. As soon as I started mermaiding she told me she had seen such a positive change in me. Honestly, mermaiding has helped me cope a lot!

[Amphitrite]

Sorry to hear that Flyer. :( I just kept mentioning it around the theme of 'what makes you happy/ect' and my therapist got on board. I hope you are able to do something similar. And if not you ALWAYS have us!

Sirenia I like how you put that. It's really a gorgeous thing that people here do. :)

Nessie I find that inspirational. I feel like that with swimming and that's why I want to be here. I've heard comments of people seeing mers as strong and other-worldly (I think is the term) and I want to see that in myself. :)

[Merman Chatfish]

Sorry to hear that Flyer. :( I just kept mentioning it around the theme of 'what makes you happy/ect' and my therapist got on board. I hope you are able to do something similar. And if not you ALWAYS have us!

Sirenia I like how you put that. It's really a gorgeous thing that people here do. :)

Nessie I find that inspirational. I feel like that with swimming and that's why I want to be here. I've heard comments of people seeing mers as strong and other-worldly (I think is the term) and I want to see that in myself. :)

Its ok. She knows I'm weird. My Pilates instructor loves it.

[Amphitrite]

It is weird and uncomfortable (but also cool) that non-therapists sometimes 'get it' more than the people who are book-trained do. Seems it takes off the pressure for me when I find someone I feel is relatable. Logically I should feel therapists are more... relateable because they have been trained to deal with certain situations but the idea that the ones I find most often rely more on their books to 'help me than what I tell them I need is really unsettling especially when they treat me as if my social skills are lacking even though I have done so much interacting with friends family and complete strangers. I am trying to work on it but I feel the only person who is looking out for me is me. Sorry. Rant-y

[Merman Chatfish]

It is weird and uncomfortable (but also cool) that non-therapists sometimes 'get it' more than the people who are book-trained do. Seems it takes off the pressure for me when I find someone I feel is relatable. Logically I should feel therapists are more... relateable because they have been trained to deal with certain situations but the idea that the ones I find most often rely more on their books to 'help me than what I tell them I need is really unsettling especially when they treat me as if my social skills are lacking even though I have done so much interacting with friends family and complete strangers. I am trying to work on it but I feel the only person who is looking out for me is me. Sorry. Rant-y

I think its hard for a therapist to relate to some things, such as us being menfolk or having a panic attack while driving because there are too many cars on a residental street (happened to me), or a brain injury, or anything else.

[Amphitrite]

Yeah. I feel stressed out every day and It is wearing.

[Merman Chatfish]

Yeah. I feel stressed out every day and It is wearing.

Need a duck? We have free ducks. Cats are awesome but not willing to part with them.

[Amphitrite]

Awww thank-you! I had two cats and then fish but cannnot have pets here even but I find them very therapeutic. I really want a Teddy bear but I am told I am 'too old' for that.

[Merman Chatfish]

Awww thank-you! I had two cats and then fish but cannnot have pets here even but I find them very therapeutic. I really want a Teddy bear but I am told I am 'too old' for that.

Phh your not too old for a teddy bear...i two teddy bears (though I like the older one more than the newer one) and I'm a guy. Even carried one around campus and at graduation when my friend graduated from college because I was so sad.
Maybe you could ask your therapist for an emotional support pet? When I move out my therapist and my pshyciotist both say they will do the paper work for me to have an emotional support cat.

[Starfrit]

Seconding Flyer, you're never too old for a teddy! I have a big stuffed moose named Marvin that I've had for... Eleven years now? I still sleep with him every night— my boyfriend, who I live with, is used to it. :P Marvin helps me a lot with my anxiety and depression and I find it hard to sleep without him now... I'm 24. XD

[Merman Chatfish]

Mine is older! From when I was maybe 1 or 2. My dad was in the national guard and away a lot. His mom crafted my bears from one of dad's BDU (Battle Dress Uniform).

[Amphitrite]

Oi that is really young! I sort of wish I hadn't had to deal with it until after the developmental years. I do not have a good memory but I do remember spending g more time with therapists than anyone else save for family.

[Merman Chatfish]

I know. Lack of any friends and socialization from when I was 5 until 16 really messed me up. I relate so much more to 5 year olds than I do people about my age. I am getting better though. One good thing came out of that break, I am really good with the preschoolers when teaching swim lessons.

[Amphitrite]

See I typically get along with older people better. I often feel like I don't quite know what I am doing. Actually an online forum similar to this has helped immensely. 'Cept it's Star Wars lol

[Merman Chatfish]

lol. Not big into Star Wars. Much prefer Stargate. I do quite well with older people too...just not teens or my age people.

[Amphitrite]

You and another friend of mine would get along well then! It is all Abydos in the galaxy far far away! And Teal'c! And *nods* Indeed lol his Jedi knight is from Abydos and the Jafa were force weilders.

[Mermaid Wesley]

I guess this is the appropriate thread for this, I'm diagnosed generalized anxiety disorder and ADHD and those two like to play off of each other like a bitch. Today I had to put in my 2 weeks notice at my job and I feel like possibly vomiting? Or just hiding in my new bed fort until I don't have to show my face at work anymore.
V fort V
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[Merman Chatfish]

I guess this is the appropriate thread for this, I'm diagnosed generalized anxiety disorder and ADHD and those two like to play off of each other like a bitch. Today I had to put in my 2 weeks notice at my job and I feel like possibly vomiting? Or just hiding in my new bed fort until I don't have to show my face at work anymore.
V fort V
26046


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Pillow fort. Smells better than vomiting.

[Mermaid Wesley]

I agree


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[Amphitrite]

Hope you feel better Wesley. :hug:

[Merman Chatfish]

Its Christmas day and I am feeing fairly depressed. Normally we wake up early, drive 4 hours to Des Moines, and see my grandparents and aunt and uncle before diving back today. This year we are doing christmas on Saturday with my sister and her husband, no grandparents or aunt/uncle. I hate that and even though I am just around my parents and my brother this break, I am being my usual introverted self and spending 99% of my time in my bed room. I wish my family was Jewish. 8 days and nights of family and friends sounds so much better than just one.

[Miyu]

So on top of the already cruddy living situation, today the housemates' family - LOTS OF SCREAMING CHILDREN - came over. Now there's two random people here I don't know b/c my mertender's aunt and her bf decided to just invite friends over without telling anyone. This whole family doesn't seem to understand what it's like to live with someone who has massive social anxiety... I really would have appreciated warning. We could have either invited over someone I feel like being around, or we could have spent Christmas somewhere else. I haven't been able to get in the kitchen to make coffee yet, and of course half the dishes are either cooked in teflon (which my orthorexia/OCPD makes it nearly impossible to eat those foods without having a panic attack), or have nasty food dyes that set off my skin condition.

I was going to try hanging out with everyone today like a normal person, but now I'm just going to hole myself up in my room and blast some Steampunk/Goth/Industrial/EDM music. At least until the random people I don't know leave. I don't want to know them. I can tell.

[PearlieMae]

Pillow fort. Smells better than vomiting.

Sorry, I read "pillow fart". Favorite pastime of little brothers. ;)

Feel better, Wes!

[PearlieMae]

Miyu, you need your own apartment! :hug:

[Miyu]

Oh goodness yes I do, so very badly... Having my own place would solve so many of my problems right now. Very little privacy, space, consideration or room to do my crafting has not been good to my nerves :eye twitch: I have less room for my stuff than a studio apartment. Unfortunately, I live in a very rural area, so it's a lot of work just saving up enough to move into town into an apartment!

However, with all our (loud) crafting, and the large dog-puppy we have managed to acquire, it's more feasible for us to move into a trailer home - we have a friend who lives in one that you would never be able to tell it was a trailer, it's so nice, and spacious, and it's in a trailer residential community that's way nicer than anything I've seen before, so when I'm making the monies, that's where we'll be looking at moving to.

[PearlieMae]

Mobile homes are often much better than people give them credit for. Good luck!

[Merman Chatfish]

On Saturday, spur of the moment, I hit the road to meet up with my cousin and join them driving to our grandmother's house. I had been feeling down for a while and really lonely and depressed all week. Saturday night was the happiest I have been in weeks and first night since Christmas Eve eve I didn't think about just being dead.

[deepblue]

I'm happy for you, Flyer. I find sometimes a shake-up (the good kind) can help break me out of a really bad place.

[Mermaid_Jordyn]

It feels weird to think that I am fresh from the womb and already developed multiple mental illnesses, which with help from the medical advances of anti-depressants are under control. It really pisses me off that people like this girl in my grade who used to be my friend is always complaining that she is depressed and shit but when I ask her why she says "JUSTIN BEIBER" not to mention she cut for BEIBER JUSTIN MOTHER FUCKING BIEBER. Some people are fucked up and other people have ACTUAL ISSUES

I would also like to mention that I have not cut in 7 weeks and my last suicide attempt was 4 months ago [emoji2]


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[Merman Chatfish]

It feels weird to think that I am fresh from the womb and already developed multiple mental illnesses, which with help from the medical advances of anti-depressants are under control. It really pisses me off that people like this girl in my grade who used to be my friend is always complaining that she is depressed and shit but when I ask her why she says "JUSTIN BEIBER" not to mention she cut for BEIBER JUSTIN MOTHER FUCKING BIEBER. Some people are fucked up and other people have ACTUAL ISSUES

I would also like to mention that I have not cut in 7 weeks and my last suicide attempt was 4 months ago [emoji2]


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She cut herself for Justin Beiber? That is messed up.

Congradulatios! Keep going!

Ps. I can't spell

[deepblue]

Yeah, clearly she has a different sort of mental problem if she says she is cutting for Bieber or actually is. Either way. Girl needs help.

And yes, Congrats Mermaid Jordyn!

[Mermaid_Jordyn]

Thanks guys [emoji173]️[emoji173]️[emoji173]️[emoji173]️


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[Merman Chatfish]

Yeah, clearly she has a different sort of mental problem if she says she is cutting for Bieber or actually is. Either way. Girl needs help.

And yes, Congrats Mermaid Jordyn!

I think I heard something about people doing that in the news last year or something. Ok people, he is a singer. Who cares? (I have a very tall soapbox I can get on for this topic).

[deepblue]

My dissociative disorder has been acting up. I keep thinking of venting about it here, and at the same time I'm all, "Oh... it'll chill out again, just give it a day." Also: *headdesk* Staaaahp it, brain, just stop it.

It's not stopping, and as I typed this I realized the trigger. GAHH!! I AM SO so tired of it. I'd like for it to magically go away now, thanks. Still- the reason this is so aggravating is because I've got it under control most of the time, So that's good.

[deepblue]

One hand, super glad no one else seems to deal with a similar disorder.
Other hand, sucks that no one gets it?

If I had a third hand... nah. If I ever fit in any where, I'll take it as one of the Seven Signs.

[Merman Chatfish]

One hand, super glad no one else seems to deal with a similar disorder.
Other hand, sucks that no one gets it?

If I had a third hand... nah. If I ever fit in any where, I'll take it as one of the Seven Signs.

I am afarid I don't so it makes it hard for me to say anything about it.

However when I first saw a snippet of your post a quick read had me thinking you superglued your hand.

[deepblue]

ha- I can see how.

I started being rather open about mental health issues in order to erase the stigma. The stigma surrounding mental health issues is awful, and when people know me and like me and see me as strong, competent, and capable, and then find out I have both trauma based and other disorders, it makes them think twice. Unfortunately, online this usually means that I'm in the habit of being open about it, but with people who don't know me and I think a lot of those people don't know what to do with it.

Yes, I can't work because my disorders do just that- cause enough DISorder to make it impossible. My doctors ordered me not to work because it sets my progress back. That doesn't mean I am incapable of responsibility or taking care of business, just not always in the way required by structured environments like corporate offices.

I hope to find something else I can do. I can't go to school because my disorders also wreak havoc on that, but... eh. Just thinking out loud in text. Am feeling frustrated lately.

[Merman Chatfish]

ha- I can see how.

I started being rather open about mental health issues in order to erase the stigma. The stigma surrounding mental health issues is awful, and when people know me and like me and see me as strong, competent, and capable, and then find out I have both trauma based and other disorders, it makes them think twice. Unfortunately, online this usually means that I'm in the habit of being open about it, but with people who don't know me and I think a lot of those people don't know what to do with it.

Yes, I can't work because my disorders do just that- cause enough DISorder to make it impossible. My doctors ordered me not to work because it sets my progress back. That doesn't mean I am incapable of responsibility or taking care of business, just not always in the way required by structured environments like corporate offices.

I hope to find something else I can do. I can't go to school because my disorders also wreak havoc on that, but... eh. Just thinking out loud in text. Am feeling frustrated lately.

Yea and Unfortunately some of the US representatives think pff you can still work, now get to it.

[deepblue]

I'm the only person I know to have been approved for disability on the first application- most people are denied the first time. But I had over ten years of medical records, several psychdocs, and a current psychdoc who worked for the county backing me, and had gone on and off temp disability several times just trying to keep working, and I am not medicatable- not just because one of my disorders can't be medicated because it tends to make it worse- but I've tried anyway, and am chronically intolerant to meds- they all make me sick, or give me crazy bad (ha no pun) side effects. Meds that many people are on just fine give me nosebleeds, stiff muscles, vertigo, etc. Even Advil, which I take for migraines, make me go blind in my left eye when I've taken it more than a day. I use herbs for almost everything else, but studied those on my own for many years to understand them and I even have to be super careful with them. Herbs that calm other people give me anxiety, etc. But that wacky reaction to meds runs in my family. We're all over-sensitive or have weird reactions no one else would.

[Carousel_Moon]

Just popping in to acknowledge this post and topic - very hard topic.

I have PTSD, anxiety and high stress reactions, and Depression.

<3 Love to those who struggle every day.

[Merman Chatfish]

This summer I bought some compression pants for biking. Athletes use them to help with muscle recovery and other things. I have found that for me they have another benefit, they help me focus. It is well known that for Highly Sensitive People (HSP) or people with depression, using compression clothing or weighted clothing and blankets (which is in the mail) can calm them down and relax because it gives the brain a continual non-distracting input. In the case of the pants I wear, my brain is getting constant white noise it can ignore, and focus on other things.


I mention this because this week I discovered just how much these pants help. I have started doing work for a local community's Theatre version of The Secret Garden and on Tuesday and Wednesday I wore the pants and was fine. It wasn't until Thursday, which I didn't wear these pants that things were different. The rehearsal had just barely started and already I was feeling very overwhelmed and there were too many things for my head to handle. Today I wore the pants again and I was just fine.


They also help me sleep. I have for a long time now found that the more weight on my bed the easier it is to fall asleep. Sadly four blankets in the middle of the summer is a bit much, but I need them all. I noticed now that if I do not wear my pants to sleep it feels like there is absolutely no weight on my. That is why I am getting a weighted blanket.

[deepblue]

I'm the same way, so damn sensitive and weigh myself under blankets just to sleep. I put fans on me if it's not cool enough. lol Flyer, I'm so glad you discovered something for yourself!

This is also why I love corsets. And they do make corsets for men, if that's something any guys here want to try.

Carousel_Moon, I LOVE that rainbow spouting orca. lol Welcome to the mental health thread. I too have major depression, PTSD, anxiety (although not as bad at all as I used to) and two dissociative disorders which I prefer not to say the names of online. They tend to make people suddenly become armchair psychdocs. I also have ridiculously bad social anxiety. That one's my biggest obstacle right now.

Lately, without meaning to, I keep running into triggers. So, yes, life is full of triggers. And over the years, I've attained a level of focus and control that means most of the time, the trigger might get tripped, but eh, 'nothing' happens.

But when two intensely upsetting triggers happen in a 24 hour period, after I JUST managed to get my head together after dealing with my mother and her schtuff last month, this means that without warning, ~slip~ I dissociated and GAH so annoying. I was making a small scale sheet, using stickers in a certain pattern in a certain shape and after seven rows, I suddenly had NO idea how I did what I'd just done. I spent an hour staring at the pattern already there, attempting to copy it... my bf offered to help, but I declined, and FINALLY a little later, boom, it was back, and I got it finished. Well. Almost, I ran out of the damn stickers. ha. It always comes back eventually, but holy crap. This hasn't happened in a long time. What a totally useless, stupid disorder.

[Carousel_Moon]

@Deepblue, yeah disassociation can happen in many ways. What you are describing re your pattern you were working on, sounds like what I describe as my 'black outs'...i'll forget what I was doing or be walking a distance and forget how I got there. It's usually during times of high stress and I just shut down.
I've got other disorders, and I also don't wish to name them :)

edit: well ok i'll mention one, my councillor said i'm coping with life by surrounding myself with child-like things and become childlike to cope at times - So happy places and things that make me smile and ok can seem very elementary.
Eg; this gif of an orca blowing a rainbow spout fills me with warm fuzzies.

Some triggers I didn't even realize I had, and get so upset when I find out 'another' thing to add to my 'be careful of list'..I get very angry at myself for not coping like a 'normal' person.

[deepblue]

Dissociative fugues- I used to get those often. That 'how did I get here' feeling, that's an awful one I hope to never revisit. It's been at least ten years, thank goodness. Funny thing is, I didn't even realize this one was a trigger and it was SO feckin' obvious afterward. Eh, oh well. We do what we can.

[Merman Chatfish]

Its empty. My brain is empty. Normally there are multiple thoughts going thru my mind at once, one on the left side, one on the right side, and the main internal dialog. During the day you only really notice the main internal, but at night you can hear the left and the right talking too. I don't hear it tonight. The left side...the logical side. The side that keeps the emotional side in line...its gone. I can just barely hear the right side. I know its there but its too quiet. All thats left is the main dialog and its as alone and depressed as me...keeps thinking about jumping in front of a truck, suffocating myself, taking pills. The logic isn't there to fight it, the emotional just remembers how much physical pain hurts. Nothing is going to happen, yet I kind of want it to. My life sucks. ITs going nowhere. My friend and I are awkward right now, besides she's two states away.

The right side it just pulls the main dialog. what to do what to do. don't draw attention, look at what happened the last time people pityed you. Don't share, don't worry mom. Just need to sleep. Sleep resets the mood, resets the thoughts. I hate my life. I want to go back to elementary school. Make friends not avoid people. You don't keep friends by not making new ones. I wish I knew that when I was 5.

[MermaidCelesteFL]

So... I'm going to admit it here before I admit it to anyone else. I've developed an addiction to smoking. All of my co-workers know about it, my ex-bf knows about it, and my youngest sister knows about it. None of my close friends nor my best friends know about it.

I've been smoking on and off since I was 18, and I only recently picked it back up about two months ago when my mom almost successfully committed suicide. With a combination of my PTSD, overwhelming stress from long hours at work, unhappiness at home, a stressful breakup, and never seeing any friends for long periods of time- everything has been difficult for me. I'm still taking all of my prescribed medication on time, but nothing else can take the edge off (within my schedule) like smoking does. It's gotten so bad, that I had to have a smoke while I was sick with bronchitis.

... I still have bronchitis after three weeks.

And this isn't even the first time I've struggled with addiction. When I was in my last year of college, I was smoking pot EVERYDAY, sometimes 4-5 times a day for about six months. It wasn't until I lost all of my friends, my new boyfriend, and my best friend that it finally hit me that I had a problem.

[Mermaid Kelda]

D: That's awful to hear, Celeste!
A few of my friends have had some success with e-cigarettes - perhaps you could look into those?

[Merman Chatfish]

So... I'm going to admit it here before I admit it to anyone else. I've developed an addiction to smoking. All of my co-workers know about it, my ex-bf knows about it, and my youngest sister knows about it. None of my close friends nor my best friends know about it.

I've been smoking on and off since I was 18, and I only recently picked it back up about two months ago when my mom almost successfully committed suicide. With a combination of my PTSD, overwhelming stress from long hours at work, unhappiness at home, a stressful breakup, and never seeing any friends for long periods of time- everything has been difficult for me. I'm still taking all of my prescribed medication on time, but nothing else can take the edge off (within my schedule) like smoking does. It's gotten so bad, that I had to have a smoke while I was sick with bronchitis.

... I still have bronchitis after three weeks.

And this isn't even the first time I've struggled with addiction. When I was in my last year of college, I was smoking pot EVERYDAY, sometimes 4-5 times a day for about six months. It wasn't until I lost all of my friends, my new boyfriend, and my best friend that it finally hit me that I had a problem.


I have realized when I am depressed, instead of cutting or something), I masterbate to feel something. And I tend to not feel anything. Its becomes a few minutes of waisted time (though my triceps is looking fairly good).

[Mermaid_Jordyn]

Speaking of cutting I am 11 weeks clean!!!


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[Merman Chatfish]

Speaking of cutting I am 11 weeks clean!!!


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Yay! Good job!

[Mermaid Sirenia]

I just found out that an old friend of mine has committed suicide today, he was suffering from a mental illness (I'm not sure what it was as he never told me and I do not wish to ask my friends for details, out of respect) and he never talked to anyone about it, I guess it just bottled up inside him and he couldn't take it anymore

[Mermaid Sirenia]

Please if any of you are ever having problems do not keep it to yourself, let someone know. Keeping it bottled up inside will just cause it to build over time, until you break. Don't end up like my friend and realize if you were to do something like this, you'd be leaving so many loved ones behind to wonder why you would do something like this. Even if you feel unloved, please realize you are loved

[Merman Chatfish]

I was really really down last night after I didn't get any recognition after the musial was done.

I was talking to my mom about it after she asked how I was doing. She mainly focuses on how people don't socialize nearly as much as I think they do and to look at the adults in my life and how little they go out and do stuff and how they are happy. She thinks I should stop doing the plays and musicals because I keep going in with expectations of making friends but don't, which last week she was going on about doing a class at NICC to socialize.

[SeaGlass Siren]

I just came in here to say I love you guys! Be strong!!

3 years clean !!

[Amphitrite]

Thanks SeaGlass Siren!

Chatfish do what's best for you. Whether it be continuing to do musicals or something else, be you. :)

[Mermaid Nessie]

Speaking of cutting I am 11 weeks clean!!!


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YOU GO GIRL. PROUD OF YOU. Keep that good streak going, and know that you have a community who is cheering you on and that will be there for you when you need a boost :hug:

[Amphitrite]

So sometimes when you have a brain injury it can leave you feeling tired and needing more sleep than you might otherwise need. I got about 3/4ths the sleep I needed last night so took a two hour nap. Unfortunately I still slept through part of the show at the planetarium. Blargh. When I try to go to bed an hour early (at 10pm) I wake up at 4am. I can't win! >.< I hate being tired all the time.

[Mermaid Momo]

So I had (another) break down today. I've been dealing with a lot since starting college: juggling classes, homework, having a social life (which I don't have a social life because I'm doing homework all the time or sitting in my room in the dark just doing nothing really.) And these last 2 weeks have been brutal, Last week I was sick with some kind of bug and that same week my depression decided to wreak havoc, I missed the whole week of classes and had to endure my roommate's snide comments about how I was lazy and just didn't want to go to class (How about you try doing anything with crippling depression and to top it off physical sickness too.) And to put the icing on the cake, my ptsd hit me like a bus. I woke up for the first time in weeks shouting . and speaking about PTSD, I have to deal with my roommate constantly mocking that I carry around and sleep with a teddy bear that my boyfriend gave me. It's my security blanket so to speak. It keeps me grounded when I have nightmares and it's really annoying having her mock me for something that makes the nightmares more bearable.

My boyfriend has been trying to convince me to see a therapist or someone I can talk to. I know I should, but I'm scared. I know if I go, I'll have to talk about what happened and I don't want to. I actually went and tried to make an appointment to see someone today but found out that you can't make mental health appointments for my school's health center online and I don't want to go in and make one in person. (nor do I have the time to go in and make one)

I'm trying to stay strong but today really broke me. My mom called to tell me that she got a letter from the Honor's program that said my GPA was too low last semester and if I don't bring it up this semester I'll be kicked out of the program. I have a practical exam tomorrow in my anatomy and physiology lab, and an exam in my Microbio class. neither of which I've studied for because I just found out about the exam and I was too busy having a break down to study for any of them last minute.

[Naufra]

Draggersprez, I know it's hard to get started on necessary medical treatments when it's mental health, I had a hell of a time coming to terms with it myself. I was worried about people judging me if they ever found out, I was scared of having to take medication for the rest of my life when I didn't even like taking Tylenol for a headache, and so forth. Your roommate is a bitch and that may never change, so you should try not to care what she says. Her bad attitude is not your fault, but feel free to come up with a nice, solid, insulting rant for her for the next time she opens her fool mouth. What exactly is holding you back from getting the help you need to be successful? If you're worried about the people at the therapist's office judging you, keep in mind that they're at the therapist's office, too, and that means there's a reason they're there. They have their own problems to worry about and likely aren't thinking about you at all, and if someone *were* to go blabbing to the world that they saw you at the therapist's office they would also be admitting that they were there. If you're worried about discussing painful matters, that *is* something you'll have to face. By forgoing care to avoid discussing the painful matters, you're not just missing out on the help you need and deserve, you're giving those bad things more power over you. It is hard, yes, but by dragging them out in the open in a safe environment like a therapist's office, you loosen their grip on you just a little, and then the therapist can help you learn to fight them off. They won't be gone, but they won't be able to control you like they do now. You can do this, be brave!

As for the exams, this may seem kinda lame, but I have a studying/homework anthem that I listen to when I need to buckle down and get things done but I'm having trouble starting or concentrating. On really hard-to-get-work-done days, I may even put it on loop. I personally use "Carry On Wayward Son" by Kansas, but a song I recently discovered that might work better for you is "One Woman Army" by Porcelain Black. It's upbeat, empowering, and quite easy to dance to if you're so inclined. Once again, you can do this!

[Merman Chatfish]

My boyfriend has been trying to convince me to see a therapist or someone I can talk to. I know I should, but I'm scared. I know if I go, I'll have to talk about what happened and I don't want to. I actually went and tried to make an appointment to see someone today but found out that you can't make mental health appointments for my school's health center online and I don't want to go in and make one in person. (nor do I have the time to go in and make one)

You could have your boyfriend be your advocate. You might be able to have your boyfriend come and join you for your first appointment, and maybe also help you set up an appointment.

[Mermaid_Jordyn]

So I broke 12 weeks... I am now 2 weeks clean


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[Mermaid Momo]

You could have your boyfriend be your advocate. You might be able to have your boyfriend come and join you for your first appointment, and maybe also help you set up an appointment.
Sadly he lives about 3 hours away from me so I'm here on my own.

[Mermaid Muir]

I'm in a position right now where I can't see a therapist yet. I've been trying to many ways to feel better but sometimes it just feels like an overload. Online venting places help though. Hopefully I'll be able to go to regular therapy soon!

[Amphitrite]

We all feel like crap sometimes (read: often and frequently). If you like upbeat music and find it improves your mood or gives you a boost I found the PERFECT website. Unless you hate the song 'happy' by Pharrell Williams. It's the 'Happy' song for twenty-four hours straight: http://24hoursofhappy.com/ Don't use it if trying to go to bed.

[Merman Chatfish]

We all feel like crap sometimes (read: often and frequently). If you like upbeat music and find it improves your mood or gives you a boost I found the PERFECT website. Unless you hate the song 'happy' by Pharrell Williams. It's the 'Happy' song for twenty-four hours straight: http://24hoursofhappy.com/ Don't use it if trying to go to bed.

Amphitrite that site is awesome! I love how the video is done! I am jumping around to see the different videos, about 11:30 pm the hula hoop dancer is awesome! I better not let my manager see this, he is going to want to have us make one.

[Mermaid Momo]

Does anyone have any good links for explaining what depression is? I told my parents today that I have depression because I needed money to pay for my appointment to see a psychiatric nurse practitioner (I finally set up an appointment, only because I went to see my GYNO and they have to screen everyone for depression and she said that it's really important that I go in to see someone especially since I've known I am depressed for months now.)
And the first thing both of them decided to do was call me and then berate me with questions asking why I'm depressed and saying that If I feel like they aren't doing enough then maybe I should just drop out of college and stay home and get a job. I tried telling them that Depression is an imbalance in chemicals in your brain but they wouldn't listen. I can just imagine how they'll react when they find out I have PTSD and Anxiety too.
-____-

[PearlieMae]

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/expert-answers/clinical-depression/faq-20057770

Maybe part of your depression stems from your parents not believing what you are experiencing is a real disorder. Good luck!

[Amphitrite]

Thanks Chatfish! I found it on a fb friend's page and loved it immediately. :D

Momo, have you seen someone yet? I want to know that you are being taken care of. <3

[Mermaid Pickles]

So...it's been a while since I came here...Well, I haven't been on my meds for months now, because I havent had a job in over a year, and nobody wants to hire me, mainly because lack of experience. Also, I can't afford the meds or appointments with the doc. I've been trying to deal with it on my own, but sometimes it's hard. I've lost control a few times when my sister screams at me for hours, and she just makes it worse....My dad expects us to instantly get a job, but he has no idea how hard it is to get a job when the daycares aren't hiring, and that's literally the ONLY type of experience you have. Also, things that maek it even more difficult are when your sister refuses to pick up her...AHEM....DIRTY CRUNCHY LAUNDRY off the floor and leaves food wrappers everywhere and refuses to clean things...AND YOU FIND HER DIRTY DENTAL FLOSS IN YOUR LAUNDRY....Or in the clean dishes...or the car...or just everywhere BUT the trash can. I mean,how hard is it to pick up dental floss...it just grates on my nerves and makes it exceedingly difficult to keep in control. Other than the weekly argument, I think I've got a hold of myself pretty good...Starting to wonder if the meds would do anything at all now...I used to have worse arguments with my mom every day when I lived with her....sooooo...and the was ON the meds.... I do get giggly, but....I think that's just me.

[Mermaid Momo]

Thanks Chatfish! I found it on a fb friend's page and loved it immediately. :D

Momo, have you seen someone yet? I want to know that you are being taken care of. <3

Not yet, The appointments are in such high demand that my appointment isn't until March 13th

[Amphitrite]

Ah gottcha. Well, let me know if you ever need to talk. I deal with depression and mood disorders and am always willing to listen. :) <3

I am curious about weight vests/other clothing/ect. Does anyone have any experience with this stuff? I frequently feel unsettled, ect at night and am wondering if something like that might help me feel more safe/grounded.

[Merman Chatfish]

I am curious about weight vests/other clothing/ect. Does anyone have any experience with this stuff? I frequently feel unsettled, ect at night and am wondering if something like that might help me feel more safe/grounded.


*Waves hand* I do I do! Here is a Facebook post I wrote about compression clothing.


This summer I bought some compression pants for biking. Athletes use them to help with muscle recovery and other things. I have found that for me they have another benefit, they help me focus. It is well known that for Highly Sensitive People (HSP) or people with depression, using compression clothing or weighted clothing and blankets (which is in the mail) can calm them down and relax because it gives the brain a continual non-distracting input. In the case of the pants I wear, my brain is getting constant white noise it can ignore, and focus on other things.
I mention this because this week I discovered just how much these pants help. I have started doing work for New Minowa Players Community Theatre version of The Secret Garden and on Tuesday and Wednesday I wore the pants and was fine. It wasn't until Thursday, which I didn't wear these pants that things were different. The rehearsal had just barely started and already I was feeling very overwhelmed and there were too many things for my head to handle. Today I wore the pants again and I was just fine.


They also help me sleep. I have for a long time now found that the more weight on my bed the easier it is to fall asleep. Sadly four blankets in the middle of the summer is a bit much, but I need them all. I noticed now that if I do not wear my pants to sleep it feels like there is absolutely no weight on my. That is why I am getting a weighted blanket.


If I look silly being a guy wearing tights under my pants, now you know why.

And my compression blanket arrived not long after that. (http://www.sensacalm.com/weighted-blanket-AL101/) 20 Lbs of awesomeness. I deffently sleep better and feel more relaxed when I have it. Sometimes I sleep with both the compression pants and blanket. The only problem with it is if you roll in bed like me if too much of the blanket goes over the edge of the bed ALL your blankets wind up on the floor.


Plus wearing my compression pants makes my legs look sexy ;)

[Amphitrite]

That's really cool. I am researching them also because I really want something to, I don't know a good way to explain it, but to 'ground' me. To make me feel safe and to keep my focus in the moment. The thing I've been turning to a lot recently is music. But for some reason ( :p ) people object when you have your headphones on and are supposed to be communicating with them. I feel like there is so much input that it is distracting.

[AnnaAbyss]

Interesting to read how many people suffer from mental illnesses on this forum. I too struggle with them so maybe I'll put in my two cents. Please don't think that I'm trying to brag about any of this because honestly I'm not. I was just very unlucky with genes.
I have Asperger's Syndrome, depression, generalised anxiety and panic disorder, OCD, dermatillomania, I used to have trichotillomania (thank fuck it's gone because it sent me into a very dark place for a few years) and synesthesia. Although I think synesthesia is actually a neurological phenomenon rather than a mental illness.
This basically means I imagine numbers, words and letters with colours. Sounds also have colours and certain textures. It's not something I do deliberately at all. It's an automatic brain response and I've always had it. Most of my life I've though I was just really weird and sort of malfunctional, for lack of a better word.

[Merman Chatfish]

Interesting to read how many people suffer from mental illnesses on this forum. I too struggle with them so maybe I'll put in my two cents. Please don't think that I'm trying to brag about any of this because honestly I'm not. I was just very unlucky with genes.
I have Asperger's Syndrome, depression, generalised anxiety and panic disorder, OCD, dermatillomania, I used to have trichotillomania (thank fuck it's gone because it sent me into a very dark place for a few years) and synesthesia. Although I think synesthesia is actually a neurological phenomenon rather than a mental illness.
This basically means I imagine numbers, words and letters with colours. Sounds also have colours and certain textures. It's not something I do deliberately at all. It's an automatic brain response and I've always had it. Most of my life I've though I was just really weird and sort of malfunctional, for lack of a better word.


Wow that is quite a list.

[Amphitrite]

AnnaAbyss welcome. What is dermatillomania?

[Mermaid Lilium]

I have dermatilomania too, and it's at the simplest level: habitual skin picking. It's like a compulsive thing to pick at the skin, spots/zits, any blemishes, scabs etc. Like I have been there telling myself 'no, stop' and I just keep doing it and I will sit and hunt for blemishes and I have a tendancy to zone out and don't realise how much time has suddenly passed. It means that my face and upper torso are covered in scars and open wounds all at various stages. Trichotilomania is the hair pulling version.

[Merman Chatfish]

I have dermatilomania too, and it's at the simplest level: habitual skin picking. It's like a compulsive thing to pick at the skin, spots/zits, any blemishes, scabs etc. Like I have been there telling myself 'no, stop' and I just keep doing it and I will sit and hunt for blemishes and I have a tendancy to zone out and don't realise how much time has suddenly passed. It means that my face and upper torso are covered in scars and open wounds all at various stages. Trichotilomania is the hair pulling version.

Does my mom tackling me to pop zits count?

[Mermaid Pickles]

PFfft...I guess I've had the skin one for most of my life...my sister used to pull at her eyebrows and eyelashes...Lilium, mine is like yours....it's honestly really annoying to me that I have such a hard time stopping. ANd Chatfish, no, I don't think that counts....funny though. tell her to stop! XD

[Amphitrite]

THAT'S what it is called. I do that too. I haven't told anyone ever...

[Merman Chatfish]

I don't know if the same but i tend to chew the skin off the tips of my fingers and trim my fingernails by chewing on them.

[Mermaid Lilium]

derma' can be tearing/picking at the skin around your nails.

technically derma and trich got classified into an overarching term known as a 'BFRB' recently, and nail biting etc and many other separate disorders now fall under the same umbrella classification/grouping.

Beckie0 on youtube explained the classification better than I could:

http://youtu.be/XcVyE-vTfZQ

(Beckie0 / Trichjournal is a young woman suffering with trich and a bit of derma)

and yeah in terms of dermatillomania... it means I have no confidence in my body, I hate not wearing makeup, it's effected my relationships and upset lots of people around me. We're not talking about now and then just picking at a zit that appears, this is highly damaging, addictive, obsessive/compulsive.

It's often linked with a history of depression, and can be comparible to self harm. In many ways it IS self harm, just not with any form of blade. It's addictive due to the pain-endorphins response, and often gets worse at times of stress or emotional trauma as a coping mechanism. Plus you have the fact that acne/zits get worse at those times anyway.

Best things I have found to help but aren't perfect (i've still not beaten it at all) is to wear a higher neck shirt with sleeves. It hides much of the zones where I pick and lessens the temptation. Spot treatments and making a special thing of treating wounds and spots before bed (especially something anti-inflammatory) can help as does cleansing my face really well and generally trying my best to take care of it.
also some people find that 'tangle toys' and their jewelery style counterparts help bigtime to keep hands busy and away from the face etc so no idle picking.
They don't work too well with me cause I end up forgetting to keep using them lol

[Amphitrite]

Thank-you for the information. I wonder if I should get something to wear that will keep my hands busy. Like that... necklace? You mentioned.

[Mermaid Lilium]

I can try to track down some links to them if you want to try them out?

[Mermaid Lilium]

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Tangle-Metallic/dp/B000GTPITI there's loads of the large kids ones on amazon and ebay. They and many derivative fidget toys were designed to help kids with autism and adhd but many people suffering from trich etc find they help them too

this is more the jewelery type one like I have: http://store.trich.org/product_p/f_snake_bracelet.htm but the one I have is much longer so it can be worn as a necklace or bracelet. But I spotted it at a local christmas market. I like these cause they're like jewelery so more suited to adults and can easily be stealthed into an outfit day to day =) the long necklace one also doubles as a great party trick when you're wearing it wrapped as a bracelet lol

Another one I tried is like this: http://store.trich.org/product_p/t-wackytrax.htm but miniturised. I bought it at michaels while I was over in america for merfest. It was by the cash register. I don't have the packaging anymore so couldn't tell you the company or anything but I can take a photo of mine if it helps?

Edited to add: ahh just managed to find the longer jewelery one on ebay! http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/like/301520254924?limghlpsr=true&hlpv=2&ops=true&viphx=1&hlpht=true&lpid=108&chn=ps&device=c&adtype=pla&crdt=0&ff3=1&ff11=ICEP3.0.0-L&ff12=67&ff13=80&ff14=108&ff19=0 this one's exactly like the one I have

[Amphitrite]

Thanks! :D :D :D

[Merman Chatfish]

I am down in Des Moines Iowa for a job interview and I spent the night at my grandmothers. I didn't have my weighted blanket and my two knitted blankets I have above the usual sheets. And I slept HORRIBLY!

[Amphitrite]

So am I the only one who deals with this? There are times when I will get so overwhelmed and emotional that my brain stops working in an orderly fashion to give it to me straight what's happening and instead it's like it goes into trauma/panic mode and... the situation as I sense it just isn't the way it is. Example: I was once having a difficult conversation with someone and it was extremely stressful. Before I fled (yeah, I stood up and ran I admit it), I 'heard' the person say something pretty despicable. Talked to them later after I had had some breathing time and they said that that hadn't happened. I know it's me because it's happened multiple times. I know this is directly related to my brain injury but I feel... I've never really heard anyone else mention this kind of thing. I had it happen recently and I'm still feeling a little panicky over it. :(

[Merman Chatfish]

So am I the only one who deals with this? There are times when I will get so overwhelmed and emotional that my brain stops working in an orderly fashion to give it to me straight what's happening and instead it's like it goes into trauma/panic mode and... the situation as I sense it just isn't the way it is. Example: I was once having a difficult conversation with someone and it was extremely stressful. Before I fled (yeah, I stood up and ran I admit it), I 'heard' the person say something pretty despicable. Talked to them later after I had had some breathing time and they said that that hadn't happened. I know it's me because it's happened multiple times. I know this is directly related to my brain injury but I feel... I've never really heard anyone else mention this kind of thing. I had it happen recently and I'm still feeling a little panicky over it. :(

I think so...anxiety or panic attacks. Tends to happen to me if my emotions are a little off. First time it happened to me I hid in my friend's "closet" (fake dorm room closet) and covered myself with her clothing. Your brain injury might just make you more acceptable to it, but you are not alone.

[MermaidCelesteFL]

Okay, so earlier I mentioned that I struggle with Bipolar II and PTSD, and I've been pretty good with keeping it all under control and under wraps. But recently a mer posted something that just completely set me off and it's taking me every ounce of my being not to either leave an entire post full of harsh expletives, or go in the corner and cry and contemplate suicide for no reason.
The whole post reminded me of my physically, emotionally, and mentally abusive mother with untreated bipolar disorder. I started having flashbacks, I felt hot and shakey... I just can't. I'm still hearing the screaming in my head.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[AniaR]

Me too. Thank you for saying something Celeste

[Merman Chatfish]

The play I have been doing is done now. Now instead of mood swings every night from being lonely around people and constant reminders I don't have any friends, I can go back to just below neutral from being lonely.

[Venessa Louisiana Mermaid]

Hi guys,
I wanted to open a thread about mental health and illness, because I want to share something with you all. I've struggled with my moods my whole life (I'm 32). I remember telling my mother, at a very young age, that I knew something wasn't right in my head. My parents blew me off when I tried talking to them about it, dismissing me as simply being lazy and irresponsible. Many times I was told to just "snap out of it" or to "just stop being that way". I guess since I look normal on the outside and since my issues were not as severe in my youth it was easy for my family to just accept that I was moody and difficult. I was often very misunderstood, not only by my family and peers, but also by myself. I still am misunderstood. People don't get that my brain functions differently than theirs, and that I don't mean to be this way. For the longest time I thought talk therapy and maybe some anti-depressants would help me sort it out, but it never did. Usually it just made things worse. Here's a basic run-down on how things go for me... I never know from day to day how much energy, focus, and self control I will have. I am very productive some days but some days all I can manage is taking care of my kids and animals. I'm very grateful that these issues have not interfered with my ability to care for my children. It's also important to mention that on the days I'm not doing so well, I don't take very good care of myself. I'm short-tempered and irritable almost all the time, I am very forgetful and get distracted easily. I'm disorganized. I am terrified of the criticism of others. I get upset and cry easily. And I have PMDD- or pre menstrual dysphoric disorder- which is basically PMS on steroids. I literally go bonkers about 5-7 days before my period, but level out within hours of my period starting. I've been this way my whole life, but it's gotten a lot worse in recent years. It's now become so serious I'm losing weeks of my life to the mental and emotional roller coaster I'm powerless against. I've been avoiding getting treatment for the underlying cause of all this for a long time. I finally took action last week when I realized that this problem is literally ruining my life and the lives of everyone I love. I have accepted that without treatment I will continue to get worse, and could some day, in a fit of anger and self-hate, seriously harm or kill myself. I spoke with my gynecologist about it, because I trust her (which is super rare for me) and she and I both agree that I am, most likely, Bi-polar- more specifically, rapid cycling bi-polar 2. I had been told this once before by a shrink, but chose to ignore it because I hated the guy. I have an official psych eval soon, and I'm eager for answers and a plan of attack in the fight to regain my life. I honestly have no idea how I finally came to be blessed with enough clarity to see this illness as simply that- a medical condition that I need help for. I know that I have to act fast before my mood shifts up or down again and I blow off getting help. So, why did I choose to share all this with you? ...
Because I know I'm not alone, and I know how isolating and sad it feels to live with mental illness. I want other people with issues like mine to know that it's ok to admit you need help, and to seek it out. This is just the beginning of my journey to wellness, and I will continue to post here with my progress. Hopefully my experience with this will help someone else in crisis. If you are reading this, and totally relate, please understand that you can PM me any time if you need to talk. I want to be a good example for a change, I really hope I can achieve it.

I am just seeing this thread Lotus. I didn't even know you when you wrote this. And now I talk to you EVERY SINGLE DAY. You and Shannon are the sisters I never had. I hope you know how much I love you and how much you brighten my day!! :D

[Amphitrite]

My tbi makes me feel a lot of negative emotion. Anger! Fury! Sadness! It's mostly negative. :p But when I laugh, or am happy it is typically... intense, I suppose is a good word. I am not very good at making friends irl but online I have some friends that I call siblings and have known them for up to 10 + years. I would hope that some day those relationships, whether or not others have ever found such for themselves, are seen as meaningful and beneficial. I learned to hold conversations with people by having them online, where one can have a little more time to put thought into what they want to say before saying it. I also deal with anxiety and other things and for me, I need the comfort of familiar things. I find that in my music. I've had the same mp3 player for many, many years and it is always the same songs (it is broken to where I can no longer download new music), but I find it incredibly soothing.

I suppose that sometimes I might just need a good happy, cry-worthy something. Does this make sense? I love cute happy stories and I have been following Zooborns both on facebook and their website zooborns.com (hope the web addy is okay to post). One major thing that frustrates me is that not one of the typical things seems to work for me. For instance, if I'm trying to calm down, I can't listen to the slow, 'soothing' music that people typically would use. I need familiar things and sometimes that means a bit louder and faster because it kind of... I don't know... meets my brain where it is (does that sound weird? :p ). For anyone who is really sad or lonely or upset a big hug to you. <3

P.S. Sorry if this post doesn't make much sense. It is late and I am probably rambling.

p.s.s I love you all. Truly. I feel that love should be open and freely given (in a non-dangerous way of course). So... I love you all. If you ever need an ear I will listen. <3

[AnnaAbyss]

Just caught myself picking my face while reading the responses to my first post on here... ;-; Whyyy.

[Amphitrite]

AnnaAbyss I do that too. I don't know why or what but it may be ptsd-related. Not sure. Anyways, *hugs* I just wanted to say you are not alone in this. :)

[Merman Chatfish]

I feel like my life has been a waste...

[Merman Chatfish]

Im starting to think I may actually have paranoia.

[Amphitrite]

Sounds like you have some pretty important things going on in your life right now. Listen to me and listen to me well, EVERYONE has a purpose. Whether we know it or not, the people we are around the places we go to and the situations we interact with are changed just by us being there. Sometimes we don't make the right decisions but sometimes, without our even knowing it, we make a difference to someone else. Whether you interacted with them directly or if you were a background character to their day, you make a difference. Personally I greatly enjoy talking to you. I feel connected in that we both struggle with some of the same things. I don't really have anyone irl to talk to regarding mental health and brain injuries and the every day struggles those provide. I often have days where I feel I haven't contributed in any way to anyone. Then I remember the little things. I held baby Carter at church. I sat next to someone who was sitting alone. I said hi to some lady I will probably never see again and got her to smile. I have an anxious brain ect and for me, my worst times are when I'm alone. I've made an 'arsenal' or sorts of funny pics, movies, songs, merfolk, magical things and new ideas. I choose to live my life working towards expressing myself while trying to understand others and their choices and the world around me. I know what it's like to feel like my life has been a waste. I am just restarting college and I'm 30! I'm old! But there is no time like the present. Sounds like you have a good job and I've been learning some things about pools from you and I really do appreciate your encouragement and our shared love of merfolk and other things. If you Ever need to talk, let me know, okay? *hugs*

[AnnaAbyss]

AnnaAbyss I do that too. I don't know why or what but it may be ptsd-related. Not sure. Anyways, *hugs* I just wanted to say you are not alone in this. :)

Aww now I feel more reassured <3 Thanks Amphitrite! *Hugs back*

[Merman Chatfish]

:hug:Thank you Amphitrite.

I should talk to my mom but she is about to go on vacation and she would cancel it if she knew I was having problems. I am hoping my therapist can do a video chat or something so we can talk soon.

[Princess Kae-Leah]

It's now been over a year and a half since I last had an autistic meltdown, which is the longest time I've ever gone. Do I get one of those AA sobriety token thingies? ;)

[Merman Chatfish]

Mom is on vacation overseas and I have been away from home for 2 months now. I miss her and home. I take antidepressants and before I started them I would sometimes have sudden outbursts of being upset. With them it take a lot for me to get upset and so far its never happened where I had events like before the medication.


Strange thing has happened the last two times I was asleep, in the dream I would think about mom or something from home I miss and I would have a mood outburst like I would before I started my medication but when I wake up am more of the usual down like other times while on my medication.


Its like there are two levels, the full emotional side and then the side that has had the medications filter things...if that makes sense.

[Amphitrite]

Lol Kae-Leah! If I could I'd give you one. Plus an o for Outstanding a la Harry Potter. :p

Chatfish I know what you mean. Like a calm facade and then sad anxious undertones. I work on keeping my mind active with rwading keeping my beliefs and participation in them active and focusing ob the good as much as possible. Not gonna lie I cry a lot but I try to find balance and keep mind body and soul intact by being honest with myself and allowing myselc to feel and accept all my emotions and find them all valid. I work for instance on changing anger to motivation and pinpointing what is causing that. That's one of the rwasons I choose low-drama ratings for rwal life. And having hobbies and routines can help too. :)

[Merman Chatfish]

When I feel lonely like right now all I can think about is lonely...I have been here over 2 months and have yet to hang out with one person remotely my age.

[Princess Kae-Leah]

I just feel like I've matured A LOT since I first joined the mer-community circa 2011. I look back at old posts I made and actually feel a bit embarrased and ashamed because what I said and did then does not always fully reflect the person I am now.
I think I'm MUCH more tolerant and respectful of other people's opinions now, and I'm a bit less militant about my animal rights views.
I feel less self-pity now about not being able to swim, because my best friend is now also a mer-lover who can't swim, so I don't feel so alone, and I try very hard not to compare myself to others, to do the best I can realistically do in the water such as just flipping my tail in a kiddie pool instead of feeling worthless because I wasn't born with Hannah and Linden's athletic ability, and I try to focus on what I CAN do instead of what I can't do.
I also feel less defined by my asexuality, since now there are several mers active on her who are ace so I don't feel alone or misunderstood there.
Still the sad thing is, some damage to one's rep can't be undone. I feel like I've turned a couple people off to me who would probably like who I am as a person a lot more now, I wish I could make amends with certain people because I truly feel I'm not the same person I was

[telzey.amberdon]

Forgiving others is always easier than forgiving yourself.

[Merman Chatfish]

I am not sure but I have had many episodes of paranoia this summer...not sure if they are justified or if I have yet another mental health problem.

[deepblue]

Anxiety can make on feel paranoid at times. Do you have anxiety?

I'm so frustrated atm. ~snip~ I often forget that in discussing why I'm frustrated and how I'm pretty sure no one understands why, the post itself... people don't even know how to react.

it'd be nice if someone else got it.
:)

[Merman Chatfish]

Anxiety can make on feel paranoid at times. Do you have anxiety?

I'm so frustrated atm. ~snip~ I often forget that in discussing why I'm frustrated and how I'm pretty sure no one understands why, the post itself... people don't even know how to react.

it'd be nice if someone else got it.
:)

Yep. And it was bad enough that day I had my grandmother bring me my anxiety medication

Why are you fustrated?

[Amphitrite]

I just had a really crazy day at work. And I'm freaking out because I feel weak and vulnerable. And it's illogical because there are so many people here and elsewhere online who are willing and caring and who will give wise advice and I am truly grateful to you all. I just feel overwhelmed I suppose. Kinda ptsd crap. Anyways if you could pray for me and/or send peaceful healing thoughts pleeeease do so.

[DelphinaSerene]

I have bipolar 1 and anxiety, mostly social. I can work with the bipolar most of the time now that I'm older. I had my first manic episode when I was about seven, followed by a major depressive episode where I told my teacher I was going to stay in the woods until a fox ate me. (Apparently seven year old me had a gross misunderstanding of a foxes diet and temperament) I was placed on anti-psychotic medication for my manic episodes and ended up having a stroke when I was eight as a result of the medication. I am wary of medication now for that reason even though a mood stabilizer and an anti-anxiety med might help.
Amphitrite I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers :)

[Merman Chatfish]

I woke up this morning feeling depressed, which was weird because I didn't have a bad dream or something to trigger it, so I thought it weird. Then when I got to work I had an emotional break down...bad enough I was close to passing out due to hyperventilation. I am better now but my therapist thinks it was an adverse reaction to new medication I am on.

[MermaidAmestris]

Hi guys! I know none of you know me as I rarely post, but I just figured I'd share my issues as well. My main issue is Aspergers/high-functioning autism. I also have a completely separate anxiety disorder, and another that affects me socially. I've had these conditions all my life and never gotten help. Never taken medication or gone to therapy. I'm now living with my boyfriend who has schitzophrenia, bipolar disorder, and chronic depression. We've both learned how to handle ourselves as well as each other, but it wasn't always so easy. My issues affect me more than I'd like. I speak weirdly, I tend to copy things that people say on TV and in real life, in an attempt to sound more normal. I hate looking people in the eye, though sometimes I try to force it so they don't think I'm a freak. When I like something, it usually turns into a full-blown obsession. As a child, I had a lot of meltdowns over simple things and people would give my mom disgusted looks, thinking I was throwing a tantrum and she needed to control me. Even when I was an 18 year old, I had a sensory overload meltdown when we were blowing up balloons at my church--I was shaking and crying and my mom had to come get me. And even though I am an adult now, at age 20, I feel and act like I'm twelve. Plus I was fifteen before I found out that I had Aspergers. I didn't even know what it was before then. I had to finish high school at a special school, and still wound up graduating a bit late. When people get close enough to me to ask what my problem is, I usually say I have autism, because most of my friends have never heard of Asperger's either, so I feel more 'autistic' than other aspies. The anxiety stuff is worse. I worry about every little thing, to the point that a simple trip to Wal*Mart can be traumatic. One thing I'm terrified of is having kids, especially since my boyfriend and I are currently paying off an engagement ring. What if our kids get all of our problems? The worries never end.

Anyway, that's me. I know it's an awful thing to say, but it's good to know that there are others in the community that have issues as well. Makes me feel less alone.

[Amphitrite]

Delphina I am sorry you dealt with that. I acquired my brain injury at that age and having stuff at that age is tough. I recognize now that although there were a lot of tries and a lot of fails with new and different meds I am doing significantly better with than I did without. Always a personal choice that one should talk to their doctor/s about if one wants but I hate that you're dealing without. If you ever want to talk I'll listen.

Chatfish that sounds awful. Was anyone around to help you out? :(

Amstris I know people irl who deal with similar difficulties. And yeah it sucks that other people have to deal with crap too but it's a bit comforting to feel "known" in that way.

Sorta tough irl where I am surrounded by hypocritical therapists. My current goal is to see if the program owner showrunner also has this view or no. If not maybe good things will happen. If not I will either move or get outside help. I make this promise to myself.

[Merman Chatfish]

Chatfish that sounds awful. Was anyone around to help you out? :(

Well I had a manager come over and take over lifeguarding and they had me go home. I was just fine by the time I left the pool.

[DelphinaSerene]

Thank you for the support Amphitrite, and like wise to you on the offer to talk.

[Merman Dylan]

I'm sure many people here knows that I'm Bipolar after the cycle I just went through. What happened to me wasn't an eye opener to my behavior online so much as it opened my eyes to what I'll be dealing with in the future. When I was younger, I was able to snap myself out of a mood swing while my body shook like I was having a seizure. That happened only once, but from there, I learned to snap myself out of a moodswing if I needed to. My mind has changed now that I'm older. My mood swings are lasting longer in the form of greater emotional sensitivity and cycles of more intense emotional episodes over and over again. When I woke up one morning snapped out of the cycle after letting out a huge vent in a thread, I realized that trying to force myself out of the mood swings might kill me. Just the physical toll living through that alone was exhausting. I'm weird because I have a level of hypersensitivity that makes me more self aware of my own state of mind in a weird way. I've literally felt like a small piece of me was on the inside looking out while my body and mouth lashed out. I was aware of how the bipolar affected me, and my mind could take the form of me and the monster known as bipolar. I can tell the difference between what parts of my behavior is associated with Bipolar and which parts of me aren't. I'm aware of this both inside and out of bipolar episodes. I wish I wasn't aware sometimes because when the bipolar starts acting up, there is a part of me that feels trapped inside my own head watching what I'm doing with no control. I can fight with myself for control, but it's exhausting to do that. I am without a doubt Bipolar, but I'm also gifted and cursed with an awareness of things that is often painful and exhausting for me to live through. People who have known me long enough all agree that I am very self aware. It's the hypersensitivity side of my mind that plays a part in this. I wish I had more answers.

[Amphitrite]

Dylan sorry you're dealing with that. Do you ever try listening to music? I have some stuff that I've had since oh high school probably (maybe) and that is my go to "fix". People keep chanting about soothing music but that just drives me nuts. I love Thousand Foot Krutch and... gah can't remember the other. Iron Maiden (certain songs) generally meet that need too. Helps with breathing and focusing thngs. If I can get myself to I like to focus during those times on one of my fave things which is cooking or alternately chatting with some good friends online.

Do those around you understand? You'll make it!

[Rinoa Opaltide]

Right now I'm struggling a lot, am in the midst of a major anxiety attack, and can't seem to figure out how to calm down... For the past few months I've been working on getting a diagnosis for my issues and I thought I'd managed to peg it down on my own (and was hoping that I'd get a confirmation from this most recent set of visits, which took a lot of courage to go to in the first place). Instead, at my appointment yesterday, I received a diagnosis completely different that I'd been expecting (severe social/generalized anxiety disorders, plus smatterings of between 7-9 other anxiety issues/disorders) and it's completely thrown me off. I can't calm down. I've been crying a lot. I was so upset about it during the appointment that I literally chewed my thumb so bad it's bruised. I also made myself so upset I had a migraine, almost threw up, and couldn't sleep. I was a bit better this morning but the thoughts started creeping back late this afternoon. Then at dinner my parents started arguing again and I had to just leave the room because I could barely stomach food and was about to start crying again. I've been in my room since then alternately trying to distract my self and succeeding, and failing and just breaking down again. I'm waiting for the report draft to come in the mail so I can try and process in front of no one and see if it answers some of the questions I couldn't even think to ask when I was there.
The issues have been with me for as long as I can remember and I had been clinging to the idea that what was wrong with me was something that could be named/treated but not made to go away. Because as horrible as it all is, I have no freaking clue who I am without it. Which brings up several of my greatest fears: losing my memory and becoming someone else. waking up and realizing my entire life has actually been a dream (neither of which has ever happened to me as far as I know). And I've never had good luck with counselors or therapists. Ever. I thought I was doing well with this one and it started out amazing. But that feeling grew weaker each appointment and then yesterday happened. I now am going to have to start over again with another therapist (who this one highly recommended) and I don't feel like I can do it. I'm terrified and I know that my voice is going to fail me if I ever manage to get up the courage to go. And how are they supposed to do anything to help me if I can't even tell them what's wrong? I don't even know if I can let go enough to trust them or if I can manage to trust them enough to let go and heal. I know I need the help and I want to try but I'm so freaking scared and I just can't... And I can't seem to stop crying either... I'm sorry... I just needed to get this out... I'm sorry... And even convincing myself to post this after writing it is terrifying and I just want to curl up and hide.

[Merman Chatfish]

Right now I'm struggling a lot, am in the midst of a major anxiety attack, and can't seem to figure out how to calm down... For the past few months I've been working on getting a diagnosis for my issues and I thought I'd managed to peg it down on my own (and was hoping that I'd get a confirmation from this most recent set of visits, which took a lot of courage to go to in the first place). Instead, at my appointment yesterday, I received a diagnosis completely different that I'd been expecting (severe social/generalized anxiety disorders, plus smatterings of between 7-9 other anxiety issues/disorders) and it's completely thrown me off. I can't calm down. I've been crying a lot. I was so upset about it during the appointment that I literally chewed my thumb so bad it's bruised. I also made myself so upset I had a migraine, almost threw up, and couldn't sleep.

I was a bit better this morning but the thoughts started creeping back late this afternoon. Then at dinner my parents started arguing again and I had to just leave the room because I could barely stomach food and was about to start crying again. I've been in my room since then alternately trying to distract my self and succeeding, and failing and just breaking down again. I'm waiting for the report draft to come in the mail so I can try and process in front of no one and see if it answers some of the questions I couldn't even think to ask when I was there.

The issues have been with me for as long as I can remember and I had been clinging to the idea that what was wrong with me was something that could be named/treated but not made to go away. Because as horrible as it all is, I have no freaking clue who I am without it. Which brings up several of my greatest fears: losing my memory and becoming someone else. waking up and realizing my entire life has actually been a dream (neither of which has ever happened to me as far as I know). And I've never had good luck with counselors or therapists. Ever. I thought I was doing well with this one and it started out amazing. But that feeling grew weaker each appointment and then yesterday happened.

I now am going to have to start over again with another therapist (who this one highly recommended) and I don't feel like I can do it. I'm terrified and I know that my voice is going to fail me if I ever manage to get up the courage to go. And how are they supposed to do anything to help me if I can't even tell them what's wrong? I don't even know if I can let go enough to trust them or if I can manage to trust them enough to let go and heal. I know I need the help and I want to try but I'm so freaking scared and I just can't... And I can't seem to stop crying either... I'm sorry... I just needed to get this out... I'm sorry... And even convincing myself to post this after writing it is terrifying and I just want to curl up and hide.

*hug* this is the place to share, don't be terrified, many of us here have been thru the same things. Hope you don't mind I broke up your writing into a few paragraphs, that and the small text makes it hard to read.
Sadly doing your own diagnosis can be difficult because you will find many things you think are wrong but are not. Same thing happens to medical students (called Medical students' disease). If you don't mind sharing, what was their diagnosis?

I remember feeling the same way when I started taking my medications, would I be the same, would others notice? Friends noticed the difference before I did.

Because of a move I have been to two different therapists now, about to have a third since my second retired. I know that feeling of I need to start from the beginning and they have no idea who I am...so much work has gone into my last therapist, it will take forever to catch up. How did it feel 10 minutes after you posted this? Did it feel better to get it off your chest? Once you first get to know a new therapist, you will find you get a lot of relief sharing what has been building up inside of you.
Be proud that you posted your message, it can be hard but now you have a starting place to work on and you have a community, albeit not close enough to give you a hug when you need one, where having mental health issues is the norm and is accepted.

[Rinoa Opaltide]

Thank you, Chatfish. Sorry about the giant block of mini text before... Posting felt both like a bit of relief and like a new wave of anxiety... Because even though I'd managed to post it (and thus reach out), I had no idea what the reaction would be (even though it's been consistently supportive for the others posting here). So I started crying again and then went to sleep. Waking up this morning and seeing your message made me cry again (but not in a bad way, more in a relief way).

I was officially diagnosed with severe social/generalized anxiety disorders, plus smatterings of between 7-9 other anxiety issues/disorders. I didn't write before what I had thought I would be diagnosed with because I feel really embarrassed about it now... But I had thought what I've been dealing with all my life was more than just something that could be worked fully away. Like it's so much a part of who I've always been and am that I can't even picture myself without it without feeling like the me I am right now has to die before that can happen. Not physically die but more like that me would be gone and a new, very different me would be in it's place.

I've been to other therapists before but they never seemed quite about to gain my trust. They never listened properly and wanted me to do things that were too big of steps (ex. have major trouble with eye contact, therapist's solution of the week: force self to make eye contact (with a smile) with every person that comes in the classroom at school). It's always felt like they spent more time judging me and assessing, trying to force me onto medications (when I specifically told them multiple times that I wasn't comfortable with taking meds of any sort), and also never giving me a straight answer when I brought up my questions about a possible diagnosis (it helps me to have one so I can use what my current one calls bibliotherapy - aka looking up all the information and resources I can to understand what's going on better). Between that and the bullying as a kid/teen I've apparently blocked out (can remember that I was bullied/picked on, but not specifics), I'm absolutely terrified to start over again with a new therapist. I've also never seen a male one, and the one she highly suggested for me just happens to also be male.

I could barely speak at my last appointment because I was so upset and shaken. How am I supposed to go to a new person and tell them everything they need to know without being able to speak? They always ask "Why are you here?" and if I can't answer... Sure most of the time I can write better than I can speak, and had 52 pages in a small moleskine notebook of things I thought would be helpful for explaining why I thought I had what I thought I had. But even with that, any new therapist will expect me to speak... right?

Her report is supposed to go out to me in draft form later this week and as frightening as it is I want to read it at the same time. I want to start researching again to see if I can make sense of things a bit more. But I still feel lost because of the things she diagnosed me with, 7-9 of them are ones I don't have names for - which means I can't look them up or look for resources.

[Merman Chatfish]

Oh ok I misread your explanation of what you were actually diagnosed with. Much to my parent's shigren, I am actually pretty open about my mental health. People think its rare but in reality 25% of americans suffer from mental illness, and about 4% with serious such as schizofinia or bi-polar disease. I am going to warn you my thoughts are jumping around quite a bit today.


Long term mental illness can be caused by genetics, brain damage, or environmental poisoning. Sadly with all of these it never will fully go away. What therapy provides is diagnosement and learning not how to make it go away but how to deal and live with it. With my depression one of the main things we do in therapy is figuring out the source of when I get depressed so I can watch for the situation and try to avoid it. I also learn what I can do to cope with a situation and avoid a downhill spiral to possible suicide.


I am on two medications for depression and occasionally one for anxiety. I have been told I will be on these medications the rest of my life. Simply put, due to my genetics my brain is wired in such a way to cause depression from minor events that wouldn't effect a normal person. I can tell you that the medications work. They don't fix the problem, but when you swing, the swing is not so dramatic. Instead it gives you more time to prepare and hopefully avoid getting too bad.


When you get upset, do your parents or friends try to comfort you? If so which approach do they take, the "It will be ok" approach, trying to explain things are not as bad as you think and you will be ok, or do they take the "I am here for you" approach? We have two parts of the brain, the logical side and the emotional side. When you are in a good mood your logical side and emotional side are in sync and the emotional side is relaxed and subdued. When we have an episode the emotional side of our brain is going nuts. It wants help, but so crazy it can't listen to logic, and the logical side of your brain can't get control. You will find many normal people will say "You will be ok, its all ok." Yes, its good logic, but your logic side can't get the emotional side to relax enough to regain control. If however they say "I am here for you", then bam, we are talking to the logical side and getting to right where it needs...to know you are not alone. Those magical words are enough for the emotional side to relax and start listening to your logical side.


It may be different for you but when I started therapy and medication, I never noticed the change...I still don't. You don't fade out of existence, just think of when you feel in a good mood...you will feel that more often. Why do you not want to take medication. Do you just not like the idea of taking medication (which actually is how I am), or are you worried about the changes they will cause? I am not sure how researching what you have (bibliotherapy) would be very helpful outside of understanding what you have, though what I am seeing online it does seem to help.


If you do start with a new therapist, don't tell them what you think the diagnosis is. It allows them to make unbiased determinations about you. And yes they prefer for you to talk, but since you like writing, you can prepare. Write down how you would respond to “why are you here” or “how are you today”? While you can’t just sit and read what you wrote you have had time to think about your responses. And go ahead and bring your notebook to sessions and take notes. I sometimes even record my session for playback later.
If you can try and find an older therapist, they have more experience with different ailments. In general do you feel more comfortable around men or women?

[Amphitrite]

Rinoa you're not alone in this. We're here for you! And you are preaching to the choir. Been there. My main points are that it's a good idea to write everything down. What you are dealing with your impressions about it whom you've gone to their diagnosis how you felt about the doctor how you felt about the diagnosis if you agreed or disagreed and why and if you at all can bring a friend with you as often as possible.

[Rinoa Opaltide]

Thank you both for your replies :hug:

Chatfish: As far as medication goes, I've never liked taking it (even as a kid for things like a headache or stuffy nose)... I didn't manage to learn to swallow pills until practically high school and even now still struggle with it (also struggle with swallowing in general at times and my therapist said it's most likely anxiety related). So I think part of it is not wanting to take meds (as well as not wanting to have to need them for the rest of my life). The other part is not knowing how the med(s) would make me react and what they might change. I have only ever taken psychiatric meds for a few months beck in 2013 (then I left that doctor's office because of school and never went back). The names of the various meds they made me try escape me, but I remember that they either did nothing, put me in an emotionless fog, or made the anxiety worse. All of that was made worse by the fact that I'd never wanted to take them in the first place... I'd managed to get up the courage to go see a therapist so I could figure out what to do to lessen my anxiety and what I could do to help myself calm down during anxiety attacks or meltdowns. Instead she immediately forced me way out of my comfort zone, wouldn't give me any explanation I could use to help myself outside of sessions, and insisted I take medication. It was not a good fit. But it has left me afraid of similar happening again...

As for bibliotherapy, I'm the sort of person who, when something strikes my interest or is bothering me, I will spend literally hours/weeks/months researching it. Whether it will help me solve the problem or not, it helps me answer questions I have that I can't always get the courage to open up to others about. I can look at things and explore without having someone looking over my shoulder and judging me for considering various points. It also lets me find the experiences of others who have gone through similar experiences (which helps with feeling lonely/broken/out of place). Being able to focus on both the intellectual/logical side and the emotional side from a more outside perspective tend to help me relax and be more objective. It doesn't always work and sometimes I get it wrong, but it's more the process for me I think.
In general I've always felt more comfortable around older people and women. Though I think part of that stems from not having much experience interacting with men. Which is the main reason all the therapists I've had so far have been female. But I'm also wondering if this new male therapist might be worth a try. He might have a different approach or demeanor than the women I've been to. But I'm still not sure...

Amphitrite: I was planning on bringing all the notes I brought when I saw this most recent therapist. They may or may not be relevant for the diagnosis I thought I had, but they're still apparently super detailed notes and she found them useful in figuring me out, maybe the new therapist will too. If I can get up the courage, maybe I should bring up with the new one (when I eventually end up going to one) my reaction to her diagnosis and that I don't really disagree with it, but it just doesn't feel quite right either. But I'll probably have to write it all out first and probably give it to them to read because I doubt I'll be able to word it properly once there... I want them to be able to make their own interpretation/diagnosis, but I also need to be able to explain why I'm there... and I'm not sure how to separate them... especially since they'll probably have my diagnosis report to look at (I think?).

(Sorry I keep making such long posts... :sweat drop:)

[Ciriun]

Hi Rinoa. I've kind of been where you were, too, at least as far as the constant trying of this or that medication with varying results goes, and deciding not to do that anymore. I've also had a rough time with doctors who don't listen and think throwing pills at you will solve all problems. So I can understand why you're extra anxious about seeing someone new.

I see other people have already covered that with a decent therapist it should be totally okay if you have to have things down in writing instead of saying them. My previous therapist got the occasional note jotted on my Ipad to read and never had any trouble with it.

As for sharing your diagnosis without coloring their decision, just tell them (or write down for them) exactly what you just said. You can tell them that you came to them because of a concern with your current diagnosis and you don't want to share what that is because it could color their opinion.

[Merman Chatfish]

Thank you both for your replies :hug:

Chatfish: As far as medication goes, I've never liked taking it (even as a kid for things like a headache or stuffy nose)... I didn't manage to learn to swallow pills until practically high school and even now still struggle with it (also struggle with swallowing in general at times and my therapist said it's most likely anxiety related). So I think part of it is not wanting to take meds (as well as not wanting to have to need them for the rest of my life). The other part is not knowing how the med(s) would make me react and what they might change. I have only ever taken psychiatric meds for a few months beck in 2013 (then I left that doctor's office because of school and never went back). The names of the various meds they made me try escape me, but I remember that they either did nothing, put me in an emotionless fog, or made the anxiety worse. All of that was made worse by the fact that I'd never wanted to take them in the first place... I'd managed to get up the courage to go see a therapist so I could figure out what to do to lessen my anxiety and what I could do to help myself calm down during anxiety attacks or meltdowns. Instead she immediately forced me way out of my comfort zone, wouldn't give me any explanation I could use to help myself outside of sessions, and insisted I take medication. It was not a good fit. But it has left me afraid of similar happening again...

As for bibliotherapy, I'm the sort of person who, when something strikes my interest or is bothering me, I will spend literally hours/weeks/months researching it. Whether it will help me solve the problem or not, it helps me answer questions I have that I can't always get the courage to open up to others about. I can look at things and explore without having someone looking over my shoulder and judging me for considering various points. It also lets me find the experiences of others who have gone through similar experiences (which helps with feeling lonely/broken/out of place). Being able to focus on both the intellectual/logical side and the emotional side from a more outside perspective tend to help me relax and be more objective. It doesn't always work and sometimes I get it wrong, but it's more the process for me I think.
In general I've always felt more comfortable around older people and women. Though I think part of that stems from not having much experience interacting with men. Which is the main reason all the therapists I've had so far have been female. But I'm also wondering if this new male therapist might be worth a try. He might have a different approach or demeanor than the women I've been to. But I'm still not sure...
...
(Sorry I keep making such long posts... :sweat drop:)

Try filling your mouth with something like OJ so you never taste it on your tongue.
I like doing research too but I don't think it ever helps me relax or avoid depression.
Both of my therapists have been older women. Growing up I was always more comfortable around women than men since it was usually the men who bullied me and the women who just ignored me and didn't threaten me, and eventually when I did start making friends they were all female.

Do you feel that you have your parent's support or would if you told them what is going on with you?

[cletusk20]

Have you tried music to help with coping. I've been diagnosed with post and mild tramatic brain injury along with severe depression. Often times I can't put into words what it is that I feel, yet by playing my bass guitars on some level those emotions are able to come out.

[Naufra]

Try filling your mouth with something like OJ so you never taste it on your tongue.
I like doing research too but I don't think it ever helps me relax or avoid depression.
Both of my therapists have been older women. Growing up I was always more comfortable around women than men since it was usually the men who bullied me and the women who just ignored me and didn't threaten me, and eventually when I did start making friends they were all female.

Do you feel that you have your parent's support or would if you told them what is going on with you?

I'm going to recommend using something less acidic than OJ. If a pill is uncoated and you take it with something highly acidic like OJ or another fruit juice, the pill will start to dissolve in your mouth and you get an absolutely horrendous medicine taste. I take an uncoated tablet with a particularly awful taste every morning, so I take it with milk and I don't taste it at all. Any kind of milk would work, most pills can be taken with water without trouble, too.

On another note, Chatfish, I've found your responses lately to be very thoughtful and you've said a lot of things that I wish someone had told me when I was just starting out with psychiatric treatment. Thank you.

Rinoa, when I started out, I hated the idea of being dependent on medication for the rest of my life, too, but I've come to view it as a medical apparatus. It's like if you lost both of your legs in a car accident, the medicine you take is equivalent to prosthetic legs. They don't give you your original legs back, and the amputation will always be part of you, but having the prosthetic legs means you can re-learn how to do all the stuff you did before you lost your legs. That's how I've come to view the medication I take, it's like putting on those prosthetic legs every morning so I can get on with my life.

[Merman Chatfish]

I'm going to recommend using something less acidic than OJ. If a pill is uncoated and you take it with something highly acidic like OJ or another fruit juice, the pill will start to dissolve in your mouth and you get an absolutely horrendous medicine taste. I take an uncoated tablet with a particularly awful taste every morning, so I take it with milk and I don't taste it at all. Any kind of milk would work, most pills can be taken with water without trouble, too.

On another note, Chatfish, I've found your responses lately to be very thoughtful and you've said a lot of things that I wish someone had told me when I was just starting out with psychiatric treatment. Thank you.

Rinoa, when I started out, I hated the idea of being dependent on medication for the rest of my life, too, but I've come to view it as a medical apparatus. It's like if you lost both of your legs in a car accident, the medicine you take is equivalent to prosthetic legs. They don't give you your original legs back, and the amputation will always be part of you, but having the prosthetic legs means you can re-learn how to do all the stuff you did before you lost your legs. That's how I've come to view the medication I take, it's like putting on those prosthetic legs every morning so I can get on with my life.

OJ was just the first thing to come to mind, but that is a good point. I do fine using water but milk makes sense. I like chocolate milk myself. I was just thinking about the taste...I know some give a taste just sitting on your touge waiting for the water.
I just looked and found a medication called Emsam which is a patch you can place on your skin, but it has to be changed daily. Hopefully they will figure out one that you just change once a month.

Thank you Naufra. I like your prosthetic leg metaphor.

[Amphitrite]

Rinoa for me the therapist I had (and my current one) made herself available on phone (talk or text) or my Favorite Email. I like having the option to write to her as I come across various things and as I either need help with something or she even lets me write long "venting" paragraphs to let out feelings of frustration anger anxiety being overwhelmed ect. This current one I have I see 2-3 times a week. She's still new to me and I struggle with that in various ways but it really helps.


Annnnnd because I'm having a rough time right now I will share with you the song I am listening to: "Overcomer" by Mandisa. It is a special song to me because my nephew who is 5 (and pretty amazing) has a lot of sad times too and also knows this song. If you don't want to see the music video which shows parts of the journies for three famous Americans then you can choose the lyric video. :group hug:

[Naufra]

I'm glad you mentioned that song, Amphitrite. I know someone who might benefit from that song.

[Amphitrite]

Glad to hear it Naufra! I find music can really lift my spirits so I listen to it when I can. :)

[Hollydell]

I'm struggling with my depression again.

Sometimes I can get it under control but most times its overwhelming.

I have never cut myself because im terrified of pain.

It's hard to convince myself to live though.

Yes I understand the people around me will be sad but why do I have to suffer for their expence.

I didn't ask to be brought into this life.

The worst thing about it all is the unknown at the end.

[Merman Chatfish]

I'm struggling with my depression again.

Sometimes I can get it under control but most times its overwhelming.

I have never cut myself because im terrified of pain.

It's hard to convince myself to live though.

Yes I understand the people around me will be sad but why do I have to suffer for their expence.

I didn't ask to be brought into this life.

The worst thing about it all is the unknown at the end.

*hug*
I am the same way. And usually when I try and reach out people ask are you going to cut yourself or something...no, i want to be happy, not in pain...oh ok...

When I feel like dying I think of my mom and the pain I would put her thru.

Do you know what usually makes it worse?

[Naufra]

I'm struggling with my depression again.

Sometimes I can get it under control but most times its overwhelming.

I have never cut myself because im terrified of pain.

It's hard to convince myself to live though.

Yes I understand the people around me will be sad but why do I have to suffer for their expence.

I didn't ask to be brought into this life.

The worst thing about it all is the unknown at the end.

In my experience, living for other people isn't enough. You have to live for you. You have so much potential and there's so much you can do, but it won't happen if you're not there to do it. You have the potential to help so many people in any number of ways, the potential to make the world a better place for yourself and people like you! Know that you deserve to be happy while you're alive. Know that you deserve love and respect. Know that you are an amazing person. Know that you are very, very strong. Your record for getting through bad days so far is 100%, and your bad days are way tougher than most peoples. That's how I know that you can get through this.

That said, I highly recommend getting some help. If you're not already seeing any, a psychiatrist and a therapist would be really helpful. If that's not an option for you at this time, I found a free counseling website that might be helpful. It's completely free and completely anonymous.

http://www.7cupsoftea.com/

[Hollydell]

I'm not sure whats making it worse but i think its just everything piling up. im 19 now and out of high school and everyone is trying to get me to go to college or uni because im pretty smart. but i have no idea what i want to do with my life yet so im happy at my rona job at the moment.

a couple months ago i was rear ended while driving to work and now my back is screwed up. i went from 40 hours a week at work down to 12 and i can hardly make it threw a 4 hour work day so my income has really dropped. i now have to go to physio twice weekly, a massage once weekly, yoga class twice weekly, speak to a physiatrist one every second week and i have to get the the gym twice a week (Extra - not incuding my yoga) and i see my personal trainer once every two weeks.
On top of all this extra money going out the door i have no time for myself. and when i do im exausted because im not sleeping.

im just in a huge rutt and i cant get myself out.

i hate playing the poor me little girl card. and i hate people to see me like this. i just want to curl under a rock. the only reason im still is my little sister is going threw some tough stuff too and i couldn't think of hurting her.

[Merman Chatfish]

Are you living on your own or with your family?

This is weird but do you drink pop? I read pop can make depression worse and I have stopped drinking it and then when I had some the other day I got really bad.

[Hollydell]

I live with my ... dad.

mom and father split up
mom got together with my step dad (who i call dad)
mom and dad split up
now im with my dad.

i do drink some pop, maybe ill have to cut that out of my diet.

[Merman Chatfish]

Is he someone you can talk to when you need to vent or share your feelings or anything?

[Hollydell]

Depends on the day. sometimes yes sometimes a big no

[Mermaid Momo]

Stress makes depression worse and that is exactly what you're doing; stressing. If money worries you a lot because of you cut in hours you're going to have to cut some of your spending. Looking at the list you posted I see lots of things that are not a necessity that can be cut to save money.


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[Hollydell]

Its by the doctors orders to do these things because of the accident to try to get better. If i dont do these things then ICBC (the car company in BC) will come back and way "well the doctor told you to do this stuff and you didn't so i guess your not as bad as you say you are."

[Mermaid Momo]

Its by the doctors orders to do these things because of the accident to try to get better. If i dont do these things then ICBC (the car company in BC) will come back and way "well the doctor told you to do this stuff and you didn't so i guess your not as bad as you say you are."
What kind of doctor do you go to that orders you to do yoga as part of treatment? I've had it suggested before (mostly just as something to help me with my depression ) but having it forced ? Did you tell the doctor you can't afford all that? ( why'd they put you on a personal trainer for a back injury ? Aren't personal trainers for losing weight ? Unless you meant physical rehabilitation



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[Hollydell]

At the end of my treatment I'll be getting all the money I spent back. And my doctor and physio therapist told me to do yoga in order to be able to bend my back again. (since the accident i can hardly bend backwards. before the accident i was a cheerleader who could fall into a backbend)
the personal trainer is there to help me get my enderence back up. so i can go back to work like before and not injure it any more than it already is

and no i havent told the doctor i cant afford it because i'm super shy and terrified of being judged.

[Amphitrite]

Have you ever made any kind of list of what you have/what you need or input/output type things? (silly questions but I just don't know so wanted to start somewhere) Regardless I have some of the same problems with 'health care' and depression and used to deal with incredibly unfun insomnia.

[Merman Chatfish]

Not sure how but I just made it two weeks without a noticeable night of depression.

[Amphitrite]

AWESOME!

I just talked to my social worker today and she'd heard what a rotten week I'd had and we talked and I told her I wanted to leave and be my own person yadda yadda and she said she'd actually listen and stuff. I felt intense relief! But... I have no working knowledge of how one moves out on her own. I mean... I've lived on my own and stuff but I've never had any learning. When (grateful I can say when) I do move out I need it to stick. I mean... room mates? Bills? I have no idea what I'm doing. Did anyone else feel like that?

[Merman Chatfish]

AWESOME!

I just talked to my social worker today and she'd heard what a rotten week I'd had and we talked and I told her I wanted to leave and be my own person yadda yadda and she said she'd actually listen and stuff. I felt intense relief! But... I have no working knowledge of how one moves out on her own. I mean... I've lived on my own and stuff but I've never had any learning. When (grateful I can say when) I do move out I need it to stick. I mean... room mates? Bills? I have no idea what I'm doing. Did anyone else feel like that?


Yea...thats one of those important things you never learn in school.

[Merman Chatfish]

its frustrating…I have so much to look forward to towards the end of the month (mer-mania and christmas)…and right now I don’t care about life

[PearlieMae]

Yeah, you said that the other thread.

[Amphitrite]

I hesitate to mention this failing... but housework stresses me out. It's always been fricking impossible to keep up with and sometimes I'm not... all that nice to myself. I wonder if I'm ultimately just lazy or whiney or not good enough. And I do my best to ignore it but it's nearly impossible when that is the only thing about you that matters to the sheeple around you. For the love of God I am REALLY smart. Like really. I write and read a lot and all this other stuff. But at the end of the day I feel like maybe that's not good enough. The people here certainly don't care. That's why I am moving back to my home city. I am losing perspective of myself.

[Hollydell]

Gahh I feel stupid and I hate coming here because I feel like I'm always saying the same thing or I fear you all will think I'm the girl who cried wolf.

I got a new job because my first job was horrible. My anxiety was making it really hard to work there. I felt very used and unappreciated and it was really hard on me emotionally.
I found this new job better pay, full time, better hours in the sense of when the buisness was open. So I thought "Hey this is great!" When I started working I realized this was not what I had in mind. the pace was so so slow, an 8 hour day took forever to finish because i litterally stood there watching the clock. (Trust me I tried to do cleaning/stocking/anything) I finally had enough and decided it wasnt for me and I should start looking for a new job. The next day my boss called. The girl in the office put in her two weeks and he wanted me to full the position. I thought GREAT! No more till, all office work so I was super excited. The girl trained me for the two weeks she had left but the boss told her not to fully train me on everything because the BIG BOSS was coming in to town a day or two after she left to fully train me. Well the BIG BOSS has yet to come in and it's been over 2 weeks since the girl left (AKA Ive been working the back with hardly any training for 4 weeks). Now my boss is giving me shit because the things I do know how to do are wrong. The girl trainning me had been doing it wrong as well but the boss never said anything. So on top of never working this in my life and getting yelled at for what I thought I was doing right, I'm so stressed out and depressed.

I have finally decided to put in my two weeks because I can't handle this anymore. But now my anxiety is through the roof because I hate to let people down. I'm stuck in a huge rut in my life and I really hate myself for it.

I hate work. Absolutely Hate it. Because of the bad experiences I've had, and I don't want to go back to work. I'm so sad from the fact of knowing I have to work for the rest of my life to live.
Yes I know the world has to work and so do I. But I just want to stomp my feet and scream.
I don't want to do it. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. and when people say I need to find something that makes me happy my family shoots me down.

I GIVE UP.

I'm just done. Enough said.

[Amphitrite]

I hate work too for various reasons but a note, perhaps the fact that you were not trained properly might not be your fault? *hugs* hang in there. If you like read a book, take a soothing bath, buy a teddy bear (I'm an adult but hey if it works, right?). Also, if need be, jot things down.

[MermaidCelesteFL]

Sorry for reviving an old thread, but I feel like I also need to get this out.

I had posted the other day about how upset I was about my roommate gathering all of my friends together and purposely excluding me from hanging out- despite me physically already being there. I said that I was just going to keep quiet and let it fester inside me, because it wasn't worth a fight. Well... all of that anger and frustration finally came to a boiling point yesterday.

I was randomly reading reddit on my bed after I got out of work, when I got triggered by something I read. (And I thought triggers were just something that tumblr SJWs made up to make everyone play nice...) And I spent the next few hours in a PTSD episode rocking back and forth on my bed and randomly weeping, apologizing, and pleading with my mom not to hit me. The flashbacks were so intense that I must have been screaming. My roommates noticed and called my best friend over to console me- which backfired at first, because I thought she was my mom. I don't know how long it took to calm me down.

Now I feel insanely guilty about having this episode. I feel like I've wasted everyone's time with something that doesn't even exist. And I really, really don't want anyone to know that I'm unhinged.

[Hollydell]

Wow Celeste, that must have been really hard to deal with.
Have you thought about going to see someone professionally?
Trust me when I say that it's not a waist of anyone's time (including your friends) I bet the would feel a lot better if you could openly explain to them the condition you have. <3 just know we Mers got your back as well <3


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[MermaidCelesteFL]

While I do appreciate your advice and kind words, I cannot bring myself to seek professional help. I have been hurt so many times by "well-meaning" therapists and doctors in the past, that I will forever distrust anybody working in that field.

A few months ago, I was laid off of my job at Disney for taking too many days off, even while using FMLA. My psychiatrist had prescribed six different medications to work with my Bipolar II and PTSD, and had also taken part in forcibly institutionalizing me when one of the medications caused me to have hallucinations. My therapist had also had me handcuffed and forced into a mental hospital- because my boyfriend had broken up with me earlier that day, and she was afraid I was going to hurt myself- despite me telling her that I haven't self-mutilated in a long time and had no plans to do so. The mental hospital treated me horribly and charged me close to $800 for a four day visit and unnecessary medications.

The mental health system where I live is absolute shit. I would rather have violent episodes like this one over being regularly institutionalized, over charged, missing work, and being drugged to the point where I can't feel anything anymore.

[Hollydell]

Omg I'm so sorry to hear you had to go through that!
I was in a car accident and my doctor recommended a therapist to help me cope. When in the session she asked if I had a boyfriend, I explained We had broken up about a week previously, but I'm a very independent person and he was too pushy with texts and shit.
She turned the whole session around me not coping with the break up. I was super nervous to go back to a therapist but when my depression was getting extremely bad my mom took me to this free clinic and I just connected with my new therapist.
I know it's hard to trust but if you need someone I'm always here <3


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[MermaidCelesteFL]

I feel you there. I once went to a therapist a few years ago to cope with the turmoil with my family, and he told me to find Jesus.

... dude, I'm Jewish.

[Hollydell]

Omg I'm so sorry but I laughed for a good 5 minutes!!!!!!!!!!!!
They are trying to help but some things they say are just ... Worthy


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