Help-thread for the hopeless romantics

[Nerissa]

I thought we should have a thread where we share tips and advice about, well, love. If you don't think this thread is appropriate, just delete it. Or tell an admin about it, so that the admin can delete it.
I'm a member at another forum, where we have a thread like this, and it works really well. Except not for me, because most of the people in the forum are young teens who would probably mock me... :/

Anyway.

I am very excited now, because I'm about to go on a date with the cutest, nicest and most pleasant guy I've ever met. I'm so happy that he agreed to meet me, and I hope he knows that I wanted a date and not a friend kind of thing. But I am also afraid. I don't want to be a stalker and I don't want to seem too clingy. Because I really like him. We met at a LARP, so he won't think I'm weird when I'm saving up for a mermaid tail. He seems perfect, and I think that finally, finally! I have found a guy who seems right for me.
But then, how do I "catch him"? :P How can I let him know that I really like him, without scaring him? I have never had a real boyfriend my whole twenty-year-old life. Do you have any advice?

[MermaidSaku]

Just say exactly how you feel. You'd be surprised. Most guys complain about how girls never say exactly how they feel.

[melbel1023]

one way i learned to avoid being clingy (which i know it can be hard, its mostly excitement for meeting/being around said-person) is just to try to let him make the moves.
after your first date, unless he asks you to, don't call him - let him call you. this step is the most frustrating, but trust me, it works.
pretty much, you have to give him the impression that he will want to see you again, and when you don't go out of your way to show him attention or any contact, it will make him wonder about you - then think about you - then he will be driven that he MUST call you lol.

i've been in some serious relationships and some not-so-serious ones now, currently in my 3rd serious one for over 2 and 1/2 years. i know i'm only 21, but i'm pretty sure he's the one for me. he's become my absolute best friend, and everyday we just get goofier and weirder together lol. he's been the only guy i've ever been able to fully open up to.

[Nerissa]

Thanks so much to both of you! :D
And aww! I want a boyfriend like that! It seems that he actually is like that, we were on our first date yesterday, and we talked and talked for about five hours! We had so much fun, laughing together! I told him how I feel, like you said, MermaidSaku, and I got so happy and so relieved when he told me he felt exactly the same! So we will meet again next week, watching Black Swan together at his place :D
I told him about the mermaid tail I ordered, and he thought it was so cool! Maybe I'll bring him to the photoshoot, if we're together when I receive the tail. I really, really hope so!
But I will be a bit careful now, for not to bother him or be too clingy. God, he's so cute. And charming and so easy to talk to. He has the cutest smile and eyes and nose and... my oh my, has he caught me on his hook. Haha! First mermaid metaphor.

[melbel1023]

that's awesome, Nerissa! just remember, unless he specifically asks you to call him, don't call him! its a little like playing hard-to-get, but not in a cruel way lol. honestly, men love the chase (as do we all!), and they want to prove that they are best suited for you. so try to take the passenger seat, and let him do most of the driving =)
good luck!

[Nerissa]

Thanks! I will. ;)

[MermaidSaku]

I'm so happy it turned out so well :)
He sounds really nice. He liked your idea of you getting your mermaid tail?
That is Awesome and very cool! : D

[AniaR]

best relationship tip I can offer for long term: learn to recognize when your differences are honest to god differences between personality types and sex. Learn to accept that and you can get through a whole lot. My bf and I of 4 years are serious opposites and I used to take SO MANY THINGS he did personally. Til I realized quite literally they were just the things we had that were opposite (i.e. Im very emotional, he's very practical- this leads to me being a bit spaztic at times and him appearing like he doesnt care lol) and I learned not to be hurt by them. I'd say that's the biggest lessons I've ever learned. :) it's helped me out a lot.

[Nerissa]

Thanks, Raina! Not everything can be alike, that would be boring. The differences I've learned so far are that I am more emotional than him as well, and that might be a girl/boy thing.
And he is very neat. He likes to stay organized. And I keep things messy. But that is something I can fix, that's just laziness, I guess lol
But I won't point out the differences as flaws I can use as excuses to dump him or something. I like him too much for that anyway.

Yes, he loved the idea of me getting a mermaid tail! I enjoy the idea of having him with me to the photoshoot a photographer friend of mine will do with me. (Please pardon my English, haha)
He told me he thinks I'm cute and charming, and he was entertained by the idea of me in a mermaid tail. It's funny how every person I've told about this to has been positive about shopping a realistic mermaid tail. Maybe it is like they said in Fae magazine, that mermaids are getting more popular?
He also agreed to go with me at a LARP in November! He really likes me, and I really like him! I can't stop thinking about him. I am so happy!
So now it seems I will finally get someone to carry me to the water on the beach, in my mermaid tail. ;)

[Nerissa]

No. I just talked with his friend. She said he's not after a relationship right now. He's not into me. It was like a slap in the face. Everything's back now, and everything's just... Hell. I've had crushes. I've been turned down. Every time. But this crush has been so great. He seemed to really like me.
I told her that he said I was charming. But she said he says that to every girl. So, yeah. I just want to rest now.
I really hoped that she's only protecting him, and lying to me. But I'm facing the facts. He doesn't like me that way. As always. Thank you, love. Thank you for crapping on my heart...

[MermaidSaku]

When i have had relationships in the past "he said she said" Was always the death of the relationship. It killed it so much i honestly can't see myself falling in love having a crush or anything of that nature anytime soon. What hurts is now all of my friends are married and have kids Loool.They did't want that life so funny because it's what i wanted. Life is funny like that, and death has a since of humor as well.
If he couldn't tell you himself it could go two ways i think. Either he is being a coward to tell his real feels as you used your courage to tell him. Or It could be a huge peek into what kind of heart he really has and what sort of man he is. I think if it didn't workout like you thought it's a possibility it is better off that way because he might not be the one for you, but on the other hand i don't know how well you know his friend or how much you trust her. Either way I've got a feeling something smells fishy though. If you really want to know just ask him if it's true.

[Nerissa]

I asked him. I had to ask him if it was true, and he admitted that he wasn't ready for a new relationship yet. He hasn't gotten over his ex girlfriend. But he asked me if we could start as friends. I didn't want to lose him, so I agreed. And I'm still hoping that he will like me that way eventually. He said he really wanted to fall in love with me, but he hasn't gotten over his break-up yet. I have fallen for him, so I've decided to wait for him. I know we can be good friends, but still, if he falls for an other girl, I know I will be crushed. But I am still hoping that he will fall for me. It seems that he is really trying. He likes me, and I think he's attracted to me as well. But he isn't ready yet, so I'm waiting.

[melbel1023]

I'm really sorry, Nerissa =(
I've had that happen a few times (but i wasn't lucky enough to get the heads-up from one of his friends). I know it really hurts to feel like you found the answer to your relationship-needs, and, just like that, its gone.
My best advice now is to keep a distance from him. Don't necessarily forget that he is still someone you want to be with, but don't crowd him - guys tend to get turned off by that, and will eventually want less and less to do with you. SO, its ok to occasionally call or talk to him, but don't really pursuit him. When he's ready, he will ask you out - If you rush it, there is more of a chance for rejection.
Again, I'm sorry that everything came crashing down on you, I've been in this spot too many times. <3

[Nerissa]

Thank you! I thought about that, I will let him take the initiative to find a new time to meet eachother. We agreed to meet and watch another movie together. He said "start as friends", and that could mean that it will turn into something more eventually.
I will wait for him. A friend of mine who knows him a bit is calm about it and tells me that everything will be alright. So I'm clinging to this hope, this small chance that we will end up together.
I have never had a crush like this before. Not with a real person...
My Lord.... this is... maddening.
I'm so infatuated, it actually hurts a bit.

[Princess Kae-Leah]

I'd love to find love some day, but the thing is, I'm 1000% asexual. Sometimes I just want to give up on love because I can't find any other aces to date. :(

[Nerissa]

Aww. I see. Well, I believe there is someone for everyone. The thing is you don't have to wait. You can't wait and look for love, because love comes when least expected. Just be happy with who you are and be with your friends. Do things you like, and go to places you like to be at, and maybe you'll find someone there! I went to a Larp with no expectations, and I met the man of my dreams. So that's my advise. :) Just do what you like to do. Live your life and enjoy it! You'll meet someone when least expected!

[Lotus]

Hey Nerissa,
You seem very sweet... I'm just going to jump right in here.... I met a guy when I was 19, nearly 20 who I thought was the perfect guy for me. He was charming, funny, edgy, easy to talk to, all of that. I became infactuated with him practically instantly. Then all of a sudden he became cold and distant and just wrote me off. It was horrible! I was SO hurt. Then, a few weeks later we somehow reconnected and started hanging out again. I was so into him I agreed to be "friends", thinking that when he got over HIS lost love he would see that I had always been there for him and fall in love with me. What actually happened was he put me in the place of being his friend, and that's exactly where I stayed. He would get close to me, then shove me away again and date some girl who he would just cheat on or lie to or just throw away and then he would come back to me until he found a newer, thinner, prettier girl. Then the whole process would just repeat. I rarely said anything to him about who he dated- I tried to be supportive... but watching him cast me aside again and again was very hurtful and when I finally just started dating again, he flipped out. He HATED every single guy I went out with, including my husband. In fact, when I told him I was getting married, he didn't speak to me for two years. Even after all the drama and bullshit, when he started emailing me again (he had moved back to the East coast) I was always there for him. I listened to him go on about his shitty life and his broken heart and I tried to console him- I mean, I had found love... but slowly slowly I realized that all I ever was to him was a whipping girl. He didn't care about my feelings, my happiness, or my well being. He just wanted someone to be as miserable as he was so he could have someone to share it with, without actually sharing his life. I am glad to say that he is out of my life forever.
All that being said,
I'm not saying that this guy is like my old friend or that you shouldn't be friends with guys you may have a little crush on. What I am saying is that when a guy you are REALLY into is still really into someone else, be very careful how close you let yourself get. Talking from time to time or seeing a movie (in public) isn't a bad idea, just make sure he has enough room to get thru his shit without dragging you into it. I'm not trying to freak you out or say that this guy will just use you, I'm just saying be careful with your heart. And if you haven't already seen it, check out the movie "just friends" with Ryan Reynolds.... this whole conversation just kinda reminded me of it. Very funny. ;) Anyway, hope I didn't put you off.... oh, and in the future just remember that the right guy will fall for you... regardless of his or your past. There's lots of good love out there. *hug*

[Mermaid Sirena]

I don't know if this conversation thread is still valid for what's going on in your life right now Nerisa but I agree with NikkiLee, however I feel it's important to say a few things. First is OMG THIS IS THE SAME EXACT THING THAT HAPPENED WITH MY BOYFRIEND AND I! Seriously, meeting at LARP, him not being over his ex, not looking for a relationship but wanting to fall in love with me, and all the lovely fun drama that ensued. It was a gamble to stay with him and see if he would fall in love with me after all the drama passed, luckily he did. Now we have been together for over a year and between us everything else is perfect (the rest of life and the whole situation leaves a lot to be desired but we are together and that's what matters). Keep your chin up beautiful and fight for what you want (in a subtle way) and you'll find what you are looking for... perhaps in the least likely of places and ways :D

[Mermaid Miel]

Strange, it was the Exact opposite with me and my Bf. I was on the rebound from my first boyfriend and realized during our first date that I really wasn't ready yet for a second relationship. I told him and broke it off, then distanced myself.
I know it hurt him, but I would've hurt him more if I was not honest about it and strung him along.
Years later he found me online, asked to meet up. We went on shopping-dates as friends for months before he finally got up the courage to ask me to be his. He was couldn't believe it when I said yes.
3 years later, we are still together.

[Nerissa]

Awww! I really, really hope he is the one! And if he isn't, I hope I will find someone else.
Thank you so much for your advice, all of you! I got so sad when I read about that guy, NikkiLee. But I'm glad you're married with the right one now. I know M isn't like him, because he has been honest from the beginning. It's just me being very optimistic.
I hope with all my heart that I will end up with him, like you, Sirena, and you, MeriaMiel. You really lifted my chin up now!
You see, things have happened since the last thing I wrote in this thread. I haven't been here since September, and... stuff have happened. I went to his apartement. We watched a movie and I brought wine. We got a little tipsy and I spent the night at his place. He told me over and over that I would get hurt, but I didn't listen. As I spent the night there, I grew more attached to him. I fell in love. For real. That was almost two months ago and I haven't seen him since, but that is because he is busy at school. His exam is next week, and he is studying law. And his grandmother has some problems fitting in at the nursing home, so he is dealing with that as well. He is being honest, I just know that.
The first weeks after that happened, I was almost obsessed with him. I messaged him almost every day, but I was careful not to scare him off. He called me some weeks ago apologizing because he didn't have the time to meet me and said that as soon as he had finished the exam we could meet again for sure.
I am thinking less and less about him for each week that passes, but I can't actually stop thinking about him.
He isn't over his ex, who he had been with before his last girlfriend. She lives in Canada where she studies, and comes back to Norway to visit her family and him, and sends him letters from time to time. She doesn't love him, yet she won't let him go.
But now I am a little more optimistic. Because I, of course, just had to stalk her on facebook. Just a few days ago or so, she has changed her profile picture, where she is kissing a guy I believe is her boyfriend. Maybe this can help him get over her, I thought.

I am sorry about the long update, I just have so much on my mind. It's so thrilling and so exciting, I almost wish it never happen, because it is almost too exciting! Like playing the lottery. Will I win or will I not? I even called some fortunetellers, and they all told me to wait. So I am waiting, either until he falls for me, or until I find someone else.

Thank you for all the support! It's so sweet of you!

Edit: Oh and I'm sorry for being gone for so long. I haven't forgotten about Mernetwork, I just haven't been on in a while.
By the way, do you believe in predictions? I have been talking to several fortunetellers, and they all told me to wait. One of them, who is also a friend of mine, told me that this is the man I will marry.
The other two fortunetellers I asked told me to wait. To be patient.
After almost two months I called another fortuneteller, and she told me that he is going through a process. After that process, we will be together. That will happen around the New Year, maybe spring. She also said that he is 'the one', that we will get married and have kids and so on. I really hope they are right.

He is just so easy to talk to, and he is so cute, so nice, so honest and so fantastic. He looks like a younger Hugh Grant. I never crushed on Hugh Grant, but after I met this guy, I continue to watch 'Notting Hill' over and over again. Haha

[Nerissa]

I'm sorry for double posting, I just have to because nobody would know I edited an old post anyway. I need someone to talk to about this. I feel like all hope is out. M will probably never get over his ex, and if he ever does, I probably won't be the new girlfriend. I'm going to meet him next week, but I know that I will always only be his friend, I am not one of his biggest priorities. It is always me who take the initiative, not him. I am the one who wants to see him, he doesn't want to see me. He is "so busy" even now that he has Christmas vacation. He is probably busy with his real friends and his family. He doesn't need me.
This just hurts so much. I can't stop thinking about this stupid effing love that always comes in the way. I'm sick of being in love. I am sick of him. I just.... I want to hurt him back. So bad. So now I won't message him unless he messages me first. And when he sees me, if that ever happens again, he will see that I've lost weight. I'm switching my love for him with a new obsession with food and calories. I've done this before, and now I will get so skinny he will feel bad. I know this is silly and stupid, but it helps me getting over him. I can't get enough stomach rumbling. And by replacing my thoughts about him with thoughts about food, he slowly disappears. I am actually sick of being in love. I am sick of him, and this hasn't happened before! I'm going through a process.
I have done weightloss on and off for six or seven years without getting sick, without my psychiatrist diagnosing me with anorexia. So you don't have to worry about that.
And another strange thing is happening - I am not sexual anymore. I am currently going through an asexual phase again. I don't think I want him anymore and I don't want any other man.

I feel like I can open up to you because I don't know you in real life. I feel safe. I hope you don't think of me in a negative way now, that you think I'm bonkers. I just need something to "soothe the pain" while I'm waiting for it to go over.

[Joy&RaptorsUnrestrained!]

I am sorry that this is the way it's turned out, hon. I've encountered "miragers" (the people who seem really into you at first, until you get your hopes up, when they fade away). Unfortunately, I'm a bit concerned about your description of your coping mechanism... it seems to be hurting you in order to try and hurt him. This is extremely emotional, yes, and that is a powerful sensation... but pain exists for a reason: to tell us that something hurts, and that we're still alive and able to grow and change. Instead of watching your eating, maybe go for tai chi or meditative lessons that take you outside your normal existence... or prayer or volunteering to help the needy during the holiday season. Give yourself some perspective and something new to explore, instead of repeating the past patterns and reinforcing your memory of him. You clearly know yourself and your heart better than I do, but I hate to see someone hurting when she could be laughing and learning and being creative.

Unrequited love is a powerful force... but then again, you are more powerful still. Prove it :)

[Nerissa]

That was very well said. If I could, I would give you points. He likes me as a friend, and he wants us to be friends until he has gotten that girl out of his head. So now I finally understood that, what that means. I have to stop thinking of him as more than a friend. I do that now. I've stopped fantasising about him, and I only think of him as my friend. And I will stop looking for love. Because that comes when least expected. I've just gotten a new job, and I will focus on that. And my family. Go to more Larps, meet more friends, find out what to do with my life.
Thank you so much for your advise. I had no idea love would actually hurt that much. But as quick as I got in love, I can get out of it. I just have to focus on something else!

[Mermaid Saphira]

These post are like romantic movies! Such beautiful and heartbreaking stories! This is the reason I want to be a wedding planner *dreamy sigh* <3

[Mermaid Sirena]

LARPs are good, that's what I did when my ex-fiance and I broke up. I started going to a new LARP while continuing my old one, I made so many wonderful friends who helped me get over him simply by having a smile and now knowing what was going on. It was also at this new larp that I met my current boyfriend. No matter what happens darling, you are beautiful and strong. Life will hurt like hell, it will put you through hell, it will test you and bend you and break you. You can't avoid it. None of us can. What you can do, is learn and grow from it. Take this and build it into who you are, but not to be bitter, to be wiser. It's hard to know when you've found the one and it hurts when you've fallen in love and it's ripped away.

Simply remember that the world we live on, Earth, is a sphere. It is always turning, always moving, everything eventually comes back to it's originator. In other words, Karma. Weather good or bad. So be sure to not only treat others, but ESPECIALLY yourself with grace, beauty, and love.

We care about you, and always will.

[Nerissa]

Those were beautiful words. Thank you.
I can't get him out of my head. I tried dating, but I'm not able to be attracted to anyone other than him. I try to think of him as just a friend, though. So now I will start dreaming about celebrities again, haha
I mean, when I dream about a celebrity, I know nothing will happen. So I won't get hurt.
I hope he gets over her soon. That he ever does get over her. And gives me a chance. Even how silly it is.

[SireniaSolaris]

Like Joy, I am also concerned about your method of coping with this. Really, I would try to suggest a creative release of some sort. Of the various arts I do, belly dance is the one I do the least for public functions, but something I do the most at home. Dancing is something I can do to just let out all of my feelings, and tell stories, in the form of movement. I find music that speaks to me - paints a picture I can understand, empathize with, or that reminds me of or reflects on an event that impacted my life, and then I can channel all of that emotional energy out of my heart and soul through movement, and release it to the universal energies around me. Dancing is one of the freest forms of expression I know of, and I always feel so much lighter, and unburdened after I dance.

I get similar sensations (but to a lesser degree) from swimming (there's a very surreal beauty I find sitting at the bottom of a pool for a while, watching the sunrays shine through the palm leaves, and I find my head just gets to clear out completely), painting, playing and/or writing music, and costuming.

And sometimes things that make you feel more beutiful just make you feel better too. Dance, for instance, will make you drop some inches, but in a good way - and you tone up, and any physical activity actually makes you feel in a better state of being overall from a mixture of endorphines released and general metabolic increase. Finding some nice make up and doing yourself up really nice and going out could make you feel extra pretty one day, or buying a new outfit (as long as shopping doesn't become a constant habbit), etc.

And as everyone else has said - it's when you stop looking for/hoping for love that you'll find it in the one you wanted, or with someone else who is Mr. Right. I don't want to get into my story too much, because it's really long and dramatic, and hurtful. I always hated soap operas, and I feel that the events since I was 17 would make a CRAZY one that I could probably make a nice penny off of if I ever pursued the publishing of it. Long story extremely short, getting together as kids, both of us were bound to make stupid mistakes. When I met him, it was the first time I truly had in interest in love. I wanted him to be my 'one and only'. old concept, I know, but it's what I wanted. Anywho, the first year and a half went by perfectly. Which made it so much harder, I suppose, when everything started going the way it went. I didn't think such degrees of pain were possible. I had to get my guts ripped open to have my baby, and the stitches rejected, and all sorts of things were complicated, but I'd rather go through that a thousand times than what I went through back then. Even remembering it, still makes me cry involuntarily. It was really bad. Finally, after 3 more years of rollercoasters of drama, I decided I just had to abandon the hope of things ever being right - of ever having the man I had fallen in love with. The way I saw it, the man I loved had died years ago, and this person who existed now was a monster - a completely different person. So I had to tell myself that he was dead. And I had to repeat that every day. That hurt terribly, too, but it was less painful than what he kept putting me through. I changed my number, all of the passwords on any online account, super privatized my fb, and just made myself unaccessable to him. Then, months later at the begining of this year, actually, I had a most unexpected visitor at my door. He was there, but he was different. He was actually sorry for the things he had done (which up to that point, he had always had some kinds of justifications for his actions), he didn't want me to go away... and I was the most torn I'd been ever in my life. It wasn't just my heart risking crushing, now, but my daughter's too. I really couldn't even trust him as far as I can spit, but for some reason, I just had to give him one last chance - and if he messes up again, it is goodbye for good. It has taken this entire year together, countless fights, and dealing with bunches of emotional scars to finally get to a point that I feel really 100% good about everything again. I'm actually very happy again, and while I really don't want to bring up the past if I can help it, I've found enough joy in the present that 'now' is what I think about instead of back then. I may not have my 'one and only' now, but I have found peace in having my 'first and last'. I think having gotten through what we got through, we can pretty much handle anything else that might come our way EASILY. And I'm looking forward to 2012 being an really nice year for us :)

Pain only exists for a time, but it's important. Without it, we would totally take advantage of our happiness and really not feel the fullest extents of it that we could. Whether this guy is your Mr Right, or simply paving the way so that you will be able to enjoy your Mr Right that much more, know that everything will be alright in the end and work out exactly as it should. Any pain you might feel at times, you just have to know that in a not so far off future (even though it may feel like forever at times), you will feel an equal sense of happiness to balance it out. In the meantime, there exists a million ways to release the emotional energies you are feeling in a positive way, so make sure you find something you enjoy that wouldn't be hurting yourself or others, and turn that into a tiny passion of yours for the times when you need to feel a release and open your heart bottle and let off some weight you have been carrying.

Hope this helps.
Best wishes,

~S~