Old musings, reawakened.

[Lotus]

Once upon a time in a time long ago, I was a free thinking drug addict with stars in my eyes and the music of the universe in my heart. I had a way with words. I was beautiful. I was an intriguing, fascinating mess. And I loved my fucked up life. I cherished every intoxicated moment..... but then I sobered up, and all that magic and wonder faded away. I figured it was a fair trade for a normal life with a good man- I let it go and adjusted to being a wife and mother.
Every once in a while tho, that plain girl with the wild heart would kick me from my dreamless sleep and I would wander out into the night to watch the stars and remember the darkness and light of my former life. I learned to ignore that girl one morning when my wild nature caught up with me in the form of the death of a loved one..... I told her to fuck off and stop leading me into terrible, painful things.... I fell into a mundane life of obedience and repentance. I accepted that this was my new life, and that girl who saw stars and true love in the dark of night was as dead as he had been, swinging from that tree.... I kissed my broken heart good bye and settled into.... normalcy.
It's been nearly five years since my world fell spectacularly to pieces. and I have that itch again... that wild girl is awake. she's laying beside me in bed, shoving me ever closer to the edge with her bare feet while I lay there and try to ignore it. I stare at the wall and think about the bills I need to pay... she cranks up the Oakenfold and grinds her teeth.... I pretend this is who I am and she laughs at me. The time has come to stop fighting who I am. This is me. One. Hot. Mess. Maybe it is illness. Who knows really? More importantly, who really cares? "We are artists! Pirates! More than cooks are we!"
Follow along- here I chronicle my madness- and I encourage yours. :)

[Mermaid Syrena]

Lotus- this is incredibly beautiful. I'm too drained now to post a properly coherent, sufficiently sufficient reply... but I want you to know that you're not alone in feeling that resurgent wave of free-ranging wildness rise up in the sizzling tundras of your nerves!

Normalcy isn't underrated. I firmly believe that *normalcy* IS and CAN be a good thing. See, OUR *normalcy* probably isn't really other people's definition of it anyway. There's bound to be some toe-tapping, hair-curling element we've wittingly (or unwittingly) incorporated into the way we live our lives that make them fall slightly out of the normative line. Living a life of stability and contentness isn't necessarily a bad thing. Every warm dog by the hearth, come certain nights where the moon waxes a certain way-- raises its anguished, joyful head to howl at the sky!

[Echinacea]

I suspect most us have that wild child somewhere inside... Mine ran away and joined the circus for a year and a half, back when I was much, much younger! I still have wonderful memories of staying up for 48 hours straight, and climbing to the top of the tent and hanging through the tent flaps in the cupola to help adjust the show lights! We had a bright red carpet in the ring and everything else was dark, and it is the most wonderful, surreal image that has stayed stuck in my memory for over 25 years! Or before that, the night I was working in a Girl Scout camp, and got up in the middle of the night and was out juggling in the moonlight in nothing but a cape... Every now and then I still let that wild child out to run and play! That is probably what is nudging me to mermaid, that side that refuses to conform to 'normal'! Bless her bouncy little heart, she is ME!

[Mermaid Varshana]

I pretend to be a functioning member of society. Really I'm an autistic, pornographic mess who's too weird and scattered to hold down a "real" job but somehow makes ends meet by gleaning from the fringes of society while studying to be something that will allow me to be the introverted, human-avoiding dumpster for useless information I am. Godspeed to ya, Lotus. May luck be on your side and the wind always be at your back :cool:

[deepblue]

The secret, for me, was in finding a way to let the wild child exist- you can't kill the feral. In fact, Feral was my username online for years. lol In any case, she's still a part of you, if you try to hold her at bay, she will be like trying to hold a beach ball under the water.

She needs you and you need her, and she doesn't have to exist as a monster who is going to come out at the full moon to wreak havoc unless that is all you think she can be. She can be embraced, taught. Chained to the radiator ala Black Snake Moan if need be, but to abandon her is to abandon a part of yourself. We all evolve, even the wild girls within us.

And remember: "Normal is an illusion. What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly." And while we are not spiders or flies, the point is that normal is subjective, functional and evolving is what matters.

Compartmentalizing ourselves is a path to madness. By embracing that part of yourself, you're only more whole than you were. It doesn't have to be destructive.

[SeaGlass Siren]

I learned to live with the "other girl". I allow the crazy, she allows the normal. All is good! We gotta keep some sort of hobby otherwise we all go mad.

[mermaidwhisperer]

Ahhh you joined the circus...that's my dream! I've learnt how to 'Tissue' but then I got pregnant, lol.

[Echinacea]

I was crew, not cast... I worked for the Big Apple Circus, back in 1983/84, if I recall. One season I was a production assistant, one season I was an usher (which meant I also got to help set up and take down the tent!) and my last season I was a groom for Katja Schumann's liberty horse act.

[mermaidwhisperer]

Wow! I'm jealous!