Heartache

[coral_sybil]

I know it's really silly... but I feel like I'm stuck in this.. unpleasant situation.

So the guy I'm dating, I love him but I'm not in love with him... and he's proving not to learn and grow. When I bring up problems I have with how he treats me or what I need from our relationship he comes to understanding, but never changing.

Then there is my ex who is driving me nuts. He's that type of person who you just can't stop having feelings for, but you also get frustrated with them. He says things are tricky between us because we're ex's, but I still have a special place in his heart.

Sorry for sharing this, but I'm just so frustrated over it. Part of me thinks being single for a while may be the best. Maybe even being single and moving out of state to get away from all of this...

[PearlieMae]

If I may, follow your heart. These sound like complicated relationships, but if there is one thing I've learned in all my years, it is to take care of yourself first. With love, there is no "but".

I was 47 when I met the last man I will ever kiss, and there was a long line of lessons I had to learn before! I got here.

Don't settle for less than exactly what you want! Don't stress, love will find you.

[Mermaid Tula]

I fully agree with Pearlie!

[Miyu]

Coral, I very much know the feels. I'm 26 and I want to not keep dating forever and just find a nice man and settle down and be happy... But my BF (ok, well really we're engaged, but there's been a bunch of stupid drama no one wants to hear) has similar problems to your guy... so I really do know how you feel, I just also don't know what to tell you because I also don't know LOL.

I also know the feels of having those complicated emotions for an ex. In my case, I've just had to tell myself to remember why he's my ex in the first place :P

[Joy&RaptorsUnrestrained!]

Speaking from personal experience, exes who claim to have feelings for you are especially enticing... but unless they're making visible efforts to fix whatever went wrong to begin with, they're basically blowing hot air. If he's frustrating you now, he's probably not going to be any less frustrating if you reunite.

As for your current boyfriend, you can't change him, which I gather you know. But he doesn't seem interested in changing for you, either. If you need him to be someone different, you probably should date someone different... and you probably should let him know that you can't put up with him acting agreeable and not making any visible changes, especially when you've talked with him about it.

Heartache can burn you for awhile... but it's not the end of the world, and you do recover from it, and find yourself feeling better about letting go of these people. Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Anahita]

So the guy I'm dating, I love him but I'm not in love with him... and he's proving not to learn and grow. When I bring up problems I have with how he treats me or what I need from our relationship he comes to understanding, but never changing.


If I may suggest, I don't think that's the guy for you then. When they "come to an understanding" but never follow up with a change, then they're not really understanding at all. Usually when people claim to understand but don't make the effort to change, they're really just showing that they don't care, they want to do things their way - regardless on if it hurts the other person.

As for the ex... Eep, I have a few like that. But let sleeping dogs lay. You're not in a relationship with him anymore, so you don't have to deal with his infuriating side like you used to; and you're having frustrating problems with your current bf, so the ex is looking more and more appealing... But there's a reason why he's the ex. No good can come of it getting back with him under the circumstances (personal experience on this one!).

[SeaGlass Siren]

GIRL you don't need a man, you're FABULOUS. Now all the ladies repeat after spongebob...



http://mernetwork.com/index/webkit-fake-url://4F5CEE11-670E-4F2E-9AC5-C6632FECBA3B/imagejpeg

[Lotus]

I can tell you from personal experience that the man you are dating is going to be that same man from now on. People rarely change. If he doesn't treat you the way you want and need to be treated, and the relationship is not fulfilling, you have to decide if you can cope with it, or not. For your sake, I really hope you decide not to.

As for your ex, Joy is right. I had an ex who I couldn't shake feelings for, and he talked like he was still willing to get back together. In the end tho, it was all talk and I wound up cutting ties with him altogether. He was too much of a mind job for me.

Being single might not be a bad idea at all- it gives you a chance to focus on you. Really think about moving tho, that's pretty drastic, and it can leave you feeling even more vulnerable.

[Aziara]

If you can live without him, he isn't the ONE. If you can't possibly imagine life going on without him in your life, you know you've found your soulmate.

[Mermaid Varshana]

If you can live without him, he isn't the ONE. If you can't possibly imagine life going on without him in your life, you know you've found your soulmate.
Errr....heheh. That's a complicated one. I once dated a man who I couldn't picture ever living without. I never thought I'd love anyone else. I thought he was my soulmate. Our relationship was never stable, and he ended up dumping me. Good god, it felt like my heart was going to just...stop beating...at any moment. Music didn't have a melody anymore. Food had no flavor anymore.

But then, something amazing happened. I noticed the world continued on despite how dead I felt inside. The sun kept rising and setting. Realizing that changed me forever. And so I learned something important that I applied to the next two relationships I was in, including the one that turned into my marriage. I love my husband dearly; however, the experience of being destroyed and realizing that life goes on made me realize that no matter who I'm with and how much I love them, I would and could continue on without them, and the significance of that all-consuming, infatuation-fueled attachment sums up to the grand total of nil. That is not love. Love is the day in, day out action and desire to build a life together, showing that you're reliable, and that you want to make that person's life better. Does that mean my husband's not really "the one?" Not at all. It just means I got smarter :)

As for Sybil, something else I also learned can be applied to your situation. Every day, we show other people how to treat us. They only treat you in ways that you give them permission to. Allowing is permitting. Many times, we are too afraid to rescind our permission from people out of fear that, if we stick by our ultimatums, they really will leave (or they really will hurt us). As long as there are no real consequences for the things that either of these men do that cross the boundaries that you've clearly laid down, they will keep doing them. I think it's time to lay down the law and make it clear that, if they don't try to change, they need to be sent packing. And they actually need to be sent packing if they violate your boundaries.

[coral_sybil]

But then, something amazing happened. I noticed the world continued on despite how dead I felt inside. The sun kept rising and setting. Realizing that changed me forever.
So fair on the anniversary of my ex leaving I cannot sleep. I stay up and watch the sun rise as I did on that night. I tried and failed three times in a row to kill myself that night, so I tried to go to bed, and sleep would'nt come so I stayed up and I was absolutely shocked when the sun had the audacity to rise back up. But at the same time it felt like a miracle as the next day came anyway despite the night before.

I suppose the best loves are the ones you're not even looking for. I still don't know what to tell the current. I told him last night that I feel like we never talk and when we do I feel defensive. I don't know what's going to happen. I didn't feel like it was so hard to talk when we first started dating.

[Mermaid Varshana]

I still don't know what to tell the current. I told him last night that I feel like we never talk and when we do I feel defensive. I don't know what's going to happen. I didn't feel like it was so hard to talk when we first started dating.
The time will come where it will just happen, I promise :) It'll probably be hard, and when it's over, you may not even know how exactly you got the guts to do it or exactly what was said.

[Mermaid Kelda]

I've stayed with/gotten back together with people I didn't 100% want to be with. It is always a bad idea. You're not doing them any favours, and you're doing yourself a disfavour. At best, things will go okay - at worst, you could screw over your future relationships in a big way.

Think of it like this:
Imagine, for whatever reason, you get an STI from this person, or from one of your exes. Let's say it's one of the kinder ones, which are treatable and don't affect your ability to have kids. That's something you can deal with if you're planning on staying with this person - if you both have the STI, generally it won't affect you in any major way. In any case, it's something you can work around.
But if your relationship doesn't work out, you then have to explain to your next partner, and every future partner, that every time you are intimate there's a chance you could pass your STI on to them. That's not a fun thing to have to tell someone.
Alternatively, imagine you get pregnant - would you be happy staying with these people and raising a kid with them? Is your relationship the kind of atmosphere you'd want a child to live in? And if you didn't stay with them, would you be okay raising the child of someone you didn't really love?

In the end, there are only two places any relationship can go - you'll stay together for the rest of your life, or you'll break up at some point. You have to decide which option is the scarier one.

[Mermaid Varshana]

In the end, there are only two places any relationship can go - you'll stay together for the rest of your life, or you'll break up at some point. You have to decide which option is the scarier one.
Bingo. *applause*

[Aziara]

Oh my, I think I was misunderstood. I wasn't talking about infatuation. I realised that my response may have seemed flippant, and I'm sorry for that.
When I look back on my life before I met my husband, I have no idea how I survived. My life was a mess. He made me realize I was worthy of love. His steady presence beside me keeps me going when I think everything's going to fall apart.
I'm not saying we don't ever disagree--we do, and quite spectacularly sometimes. And we sometimes have quirks that infuriate each other. I suppose I was drawing from my own background when I responded, and I didn't explain myself well enough.
Life is complicated, and simple formulas never really do it justice. I would suggest talking to a trusted friend who knows you well. Or maybe even try to get your guy to go to couples counseling with you.

[Mermaid Kelda]

Oh my, I think I was misunderstood. I wasn't talking about infatuation. I realised that my response may have seemed flippant, and I'm sorry for that.
I'm not sure you were misunderstood. I think what Varshana was trying to get at (and I agree with her 100% if so) is that it's a bit dangerous to say "If you can live without him, he isn't the ONE".
I could live without my boyfriend. I love him - I could see myself spending the rest of my life with him - and if we broke up, I would be devastated. But life would go on. I'd get up the next morning. And sure, it'd take me a while to get over it - break ups suck! - but personally I believe it's unhealthy to rely solely on one person for your own well-being.

For some people, like yourself Aziara, you've found someone who has helped you to a better place, and made you a healthier person, and you can't imagine going back to how your life was without him. And that's perfectly fair enough. But not everyone's lives have been like yours, and to group relationships into either "cannot live without you" or "you aren't really the one" is betraying all the other, just as wonderful types of people and relationships there can be in this world.

I think my boyfriend's and my relationship is just as meaningful and strong because we could live without each other, but choose to stay together anyway because we enjoy being with one another.

[Mermaid Varshana]

For some people, like yourself Aziara, you've found someone who has helped you to a better place, and made you a healthier person, and you can't imagine going back to how your life was without him. And that's perfectly fair enough. But not everyone's lives have been like yours, and to group relationships into either "cannot live without you" or "you aren't really the one" is betraying all the other, just as wonderful types of people and relationships there can be in this world.
.

Youre mostly right on the money. My husband has helped me become a better person too. Watching him go to law school and totally crush it gave me the faith in myself to go to school for something significant and have the drive to go to grad school someday. The ex broke me down so much; he had me believing I desperately needed to be fixed, and that being in love with him meant I had no hopes or dreams of my own. Fact of the matter is, losing him made me the adult I am today. I'm ridiculously independent now in a way I wasn't before. Some people do feel they can't live without someone. But the experience of living without someone who I felt was my whole heart at one point has prevented me from being able to think that innocently again :)

[AptaMer]

Coral_Sybil, I'm going to post these links to some information that might help, or inspire you. Hopefully you won't find it negative. I would like to say that I have not become a member of the forum, and don't know if I will, so I can't claim to have participated. I have been reading the forum, though, their experiences and advice are so relevant to me, and so many women are posting stories like yours, they even have a name for the kind of guy you are describing- a "lazy bear"

Anyhow, here's a link to it, http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/categories/911-relationship-er

the forum is based on a book by this author http://www.amazon.com/Mindful-Attraction-Plan-Practical-Creating/dp/149045151X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1377927940&sr=1-1&keywords=Mindful+Attraction+Plan

The was written by a guy who started blogging after deciding to save his marriage after coming very close to starting a profile on an online dating service to find a woman to replace his wife who he though was inadequate, until he realized he needed to accept responsibility for his attractiveness to her, rather than just go off philandering because she wasn't attracted to him.

I hope this may help, take it with a grain of salt, and please don't think too poorly of me.

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