[IMPORTANT] Coming out of the mermaiding closet.

[Merman Arion]

Hi guys,

I'm making this thread to look for advices. This is about the NCMerfest 2014 coming the next January.
I want to go so badly it hurts but i'm going to have to deal with my parents first. You should know the following facts :

My parents know that i have been swimming a lot in the pools lately and more than that, with a monofin but i didn't tell them that it was actually with a tail. I did come out as a gay person but i didn't have the guts to do it as a merman. My parents are old-fashioned, conservative and republicans. As much as i LOVE my parents despite their characters, i'm lacking confidence and i'm pretty much sure that i won't be taken seriously if i talk to them about mermaiding. I don't want this to lead to another silly fight while it's about me and my feelings and not theirs and their image... I want a proper talk with them but i don't know how to do it. :(

I have actually three accounts : one for my credit card, one for my personal savings and another one for the future where money has been saved up since more than three years. Because my parents are paying my rent since the very beginning, all the housing allowances i got from the State for my studio have been saved up in that third account. We agreed that i would not touch it until i was totally independent. And now, i have nine thousand euros there (= 12 236$). Which is pretty much more than enough for a Merbella tail and a pricey trip to the NCMerfest, you just guessed right... :p

At this moment, i'm 24 and i think i'm old enough to make my own decisions. I would like to spend some of this money to come to the NCMerfest and meet all of you there. It's going to be pricey but really worth it and ChristoMer already offered to cover the hotel for me if i can make it. It's not really "a chance of a lifetime" since i can go to merfolks conventions as long as i breath but i'm here with all of you since last April, i feel like it's "now or never". I want to represent my country, having fun with you guys and learn a lot of things about mermaiding. Beside, i confess that i don't want to miss the opportunity of meeting Raina either which has been a role model to me. I really want to do this trip which is going to be awesome ! :)

BUT i still don't know how to find the courage and tell my parents. I'm asking for advices and maybe some personal experiences from some of you.

How did you do it with your parents? How can i introduce them to mermaiding? What should i do really?

Thanks for reading this. I'm looking forward to read your answers.

Hugs and bubbles from France.

Alexis

[Echidna]

My parents are old-fashioned, conservative and republicans.

Sounds like they're down-to-earth, reasonable people then :p
Bet I'd like them.

Anyhoo; how did they take your being gay?
I think that'd be more of a deal than mermaiding, after all, it's just a hobby
(ok, for some it's a career, but you know what I mean).

My parents weren't supportive in the beginning (my father is derisive about anything I do, no matter what it is),
but since I've shown them videos of Hannah and others, and they saw how huge and knowledgeable the community is, they accepted it no prob.
Now, I approach mermaiding more from a freediving angle, and even if you don't, it's a great way to shut people up who would like to ridicule you.
You can say it's a different branch of recreational sports, that adds a bit of fancy to otherwise dull looking equipment.
Show them how well people with monofins can swim, and that they're used by professional swimmers.

Usually that convinces people you're doing a kind of sport, instead of going bonkers ;)
Tailswimming is a sport that's not only incredibly good for your health;
you can look good while doing so, and delight children who are nearby.
So win-win.

Good luck with telling your family, I'm sure it'll work out fine once they've seen you swim in your tail :)

[Aziara]

Sigh, this is sort of my freakout at the moment too. My whole extended family is getting together this weekend at my aunt house, who has a pool. I'm thinking of bringing my homemade monofin. At this point, only my parents, one aunt, and one cousin know about my mermaiding. I dislike being the center of attention, so I'm not sure if I should. Not to mention, I'm the daughter of the 'middle child', so I've always sort of been ignored by association at family events (my family is VERY dysfunctional), so I'm worried it might seem like an effort at 'showboating'. As for telling my parents, it was tough, as they are very old-fashioned too. The only way I was able to convince them it was a worthy goal to be a mermaid was showing them that it was a valid business venture. Not sure that argument would work for a merman, however. You might have to work the exercise angle, or saying it's great stress relief. And I can't find a thread about the NCMerfest 2014, is there one? I keep hearing about it, but I don't know anything about it.

[Merman Arion]

And I can't find a thread about the NCMerfest 2014, is there one? I keep hearing about it, but I don't know anything about it.

Here is the thread about the NCMerfest 2014 :)

http://mernetwork.com/index/showthread.php?6246-NCMerfest-Jan-3-5-2014

Thanks for sharing your story. How did your parents react?

[Ariadne]

Oh, Frenchie dear, you absolutely MUST come! I like the idea of promoting it as a sport...maybe "mer" being a nickname for people who swim with a monofin? No need to get into the details regarding sequins and glitter and the other fanciness we enjoy. You can talk about the education aspect - the talks/classes on breatholding and water safety and business opportunities. You will be coming to learn how to improve your sport. Then, lo and behold, when you got here, people had tails on their monofins and you thought it was such an interesting thing and it was just the most fun you had ever experienced and you are so happy you got to come!

[Aziara]

Here is the thread about the NCMerfest 2014 :)

http://mernetwork.com/index/showthread.php?6246-NCMerfest-Jan-3-5-2014

Thanks for sharing your story. How did your parents react?
Thanks for the link! As for my parent's initial reaction-- well, it wasn't the best, but they're ok with it now. My dad was ok with it, just concerned for my safety being that I couldn't get out of the pool and walk away if someone started to harass me. I explained that 'that's what mertenders are for', and he was ok. My mom saw it as an extravagant waste of money, and thought it was just my next 'big thing' (I tend to hop on projects, get bored, and quit in the middle). Now that I've been on the same 'big thing' for half a year, she's come around and accepted that I'm sticking with this. She even tried to get me my first gig (which is why my cousin knows), because my cousin's 5 year old daughter was having a Under the Sea theme birthday. It didn't work out, but I appreciated my mom trying to help, when she'd been so against it beforehand.

[PearlieMae]

I like Ariadne's answer. If they are that conservative, express your interests in freediving and finswimming, and that you want to come to the convention in North Carolina. It's not really lying, it's just selective omission of detail.

24 is an adult, but still young. You can spend your money any way you want...I did the same thing at 20 and bought a motorcycle! What are they going to do? I guess they can cut off paying your rent, then you would HAVE to be self sufficient. They worry, you can't change that. But, in their view, as long as they are paying for something for you, you are obligated to go by their rules.

And you'll never get a Merbellas tail by January. :(

I come from a family of liberals, artists, performers, and inventors. My weird hobbies and ideas are pretty much celebrated, so I could be wrong. But I'll bet I'm right about getting the tail in time.

[Merman Arion]

And you'll never get a Merbellas tail by January.

Actually, i meant that IF I WANTED a Merbella tail, i can have it because i have the means but it's just not the right time yet.
Like i said previously in the "Better body goals" thread, i want to have the body i'm looking for and i'm working on it. :)

[Echinacea]

Definitely go more for the 'sport' aspect. Be a bit careful about using the term 'freediving' if they are computer literate enough to google it, because one of the first ten hits mentions someone dying while trying for a world's record, and if they are already protective of you, that is not going to make them more comfortable! Stress the health benefits, and it gets you out and meeting nice people, and how many friends you have already made because of your finswimming... And how excited we all are at the possibility of getting to meet you finally! Good luck, and really hope we get to see you in January! :yay::mermaid kiss::hug:

[PearlieMae]

Hahaha! My bad! ;)

[Mermaid Octavia]

I was like Caltuna, emphasizing the exercise because that's originally what even got me into mermaiding in the first place. My mom and sister are much more supportive than my dad, who basically ignores anything I do anyway. There's a reason we don't speak much anymore.

But the exercise is very true! And you do want to come to a convention of other swim enthusiasts. ...we just happen to wear tails. ;)

[AniaR]

I have a lot of ideas I will post when I get home from work. :)

[deepblue]

I think when speaking to people who have a different world view than you, it's important to take that into account. They simply will not see it like you if you say you are a merman. They won't see it as we do here. So my only piece of advice- because I can't really speak about the rest of it- is to not say that, to not put it that way.

They need to be spoken to in a way they can understand- no, I'm not being insulting, I do not mean to say that they need to be spoken to like children, but like the particular kind of adults they are.

[AniaR]

Okay! I have been thinking about this since you and I talked about it on FB. I have experience when it comes to helping youth tell their parents things as part of my work as a youth care worker from before, and volunteering I did. So I'm going to apply some of those ideas even though you're 24. In typical Raina fashion, this is likely to be a wall of text!

First of all, I think it's just as important HOW you tell your parents, as what you're telling them. I'd suggest writing a letter. Then you can either give it to them, or read it to them. The pro of using a letter is that you can draft it as many times as you want to get it right, and a parent will be likelier to read it than they would be to listen to a speech.

When thinking about the content, I think you first need to predict your parents concerns. That way you have a good rebuttal for each.

For example, I suspect your parents would be concerned about:

-Their son travelling a great distance and being safe in a different country. (This is a normal concern)
-Concerns about you adapting to the travel with your partial deafness
-Concerns about how this will make you "look", will people see you as a freak etc.

Here are my suggestions, in no particular order:

-First of all, research the accommodations airlines will make for deaf people. Even though you aren't 100 deaf, and even if you don't think you'll need the accommodations. Find out what they are. That way you can tell your parents, "If I need it, there will be an airline staff who makes sure I get to the checkpoints safely." In that same idea, it's good to have a contact person at the location. Maybe myself or Christomer. Then you can say "Raina is meeting me at the airport, and riding the shuttle with me to the hotel" or whatever your arrangement is. This should take care of some of the normal concerns your parents might have. 24 or not, when I began travelling my parents were concerned about me because of my health issues.

-Obviously, along with that you'd need a full itinerary of the trip to provide them with. So they know what you're doing, how you'll be taken care of, who you'll be with etc. Even if you werent off to visit mermaids, this is still a tricky thing for parents.

-I wouldn't actually jump into mermaiding right away. I would explain to your parents slowly, "Mom and Dad, you know how I enjoy swimming with my monofin? For the past 6 months I have been talking with people my age online who swim in monofins. A lot of them actually perform with monofins and costumes. I have made a lot of friends. They make me feel very supported and the care about me a lot". I think it's VERY IMPORTANT to emphasize to your parents exactly how much the community enriches your life, encourages you to be INDEPENDENT (that's a big one, you want to really show them that) and you can even through something in there about it inspiring you to overcome the challenges you face with your partial deafness.

-You don't have to lie, but I don't think you need to give them all the info on the mermaid community either. I don't want to sound vain but since I am one of the main guests, I think you should use me as an example. "This is my friend Raina, she is the main guests there. She's putting on workshops about running programs and parties for kids, and how to start your own entertainment business. Raina and I are friends and I'd like to meet her. We talk online and she's a teacher. She performs as a mermaid with her fin built into a costume, as do most of the men and women who will be participating. Raina has overcome disability and illness and is visiting from another country too." You can even show them I wrote a book to validate it more. Likewise, you could also make the same sort of mention about Hannah Fraser and even show them her videos, or mention in the letter you'd like to show them. If you didn't want to use me though and you think it might help, I could try skyping with your parents just to answer any questions they might have. If they speak English. If they don't, I can get a friend to translate to French for me. Mine wouldn't be good enough for that type of conversation.

-Finally, talk about how taking a trip will help you grow as a person, encourage your independence, and be a coming of age experience. Explain how happy it would make you and boost your moral. Mention you were offered the hotel room for free, and be sure to let them know you'd check in often. Tell them you've really got your mind up about going, but you'd rather have their blessing and for them to be happy and approving of it.


So, here's sort of an idea of how I'd write the letter if it were me.

Dear Mom and Dad

I am writing you a letter to talk about something important to me. I find it easier to organize my thoughts this way and I hope you'll read it with an open mind.
You know that for the past while I have enjoyed swimming in my monofin. I really feel great when I move through the water. My monofin gives me a lot of confidence and is great fitness. For the past 6 months I have been speaking online with men and women from all over the world who also swim in monofins. It is very popular- especially in the USA. Olympic gold medallists even do it. In speaking with people I have found out that there is an international community for people who enjoy swimming in a monofin. Many of them have adapted their monofins into costumes to make them look like mermaid or mermen, and have turned them into businesses. It's becoming so popular there have been television shows about it, and many news articles.

I have been invited to attend a convention in North Carolina, USA, where many of these enthusiasts will be. I have become very good friends with many of these people. They support me, make me feel very good about myself, challenge me, and encourage me. I would very much like to meet many of them in person. At this convention the main guest speaker is my friend, Raina. Raina is from Canada and will be travelling to the USA as well, and she speaks a little french. She's putting on workshops about running programs and parties for kids, and how to start your own entertainment business. I'd like to meet her. We talk online and she's a teacher. She performs as a mermaid with her fin built into a costume, as do most of the men and women who will be participating. Raina has overcome disability and illness and is visiting from another country too. Many of the participants have used their personas to help overcome illness, disability, and troubles. It's very inspiring.

There will be other fun things at the convention as well. There will be a private guided tour through an aquarium, a lot of swimming in the pools with our fins, and underwater photographer will be taking photos, there will be a dinner and a dance, and there will even be a workshop for people who want to learn to hold their breath better underwater. I'd would very much enjoy taking part in these events, and spending time with the people who have been supporting me so much. The host has even offered to cover the expense of my hotel room!

I understand you might be concerned for my safety. I have researched with the air lines and found that they make the following accommodations for the hearing impaired:
(This would be where you put that info)

In addition, I have a full itinerary for you, along with contact information. I understand you may be uncomfortable with me meeting strangers, so Raina has offered to speak with you via Skype if you would like to meet her and ask her questions. I have plans to be picked up from the air port by ________ from there I will travel to the hotel ______ and you can reach me through_______.

Mom and Dad, it would make me very happy to take this trip. I think it would help me gain some independence and confidence. I am 24 and it's time I explored the world a little bit on my own. I would much prefer to do this trip with your blessing. Please, the trip is not until early January. Please take some time to think about it and discuss it with yourselves and me. Do not jump to a decision right away.


----

Obviously, you'd personalize it to whatever you think would be best Frenchy. You know your parents better than anyone. But that's sort of a rough idea of how I'd do it. I think it's all about addressing their biggest fears, putting everything in the best possible light, and honestly you're 24 as long as they know you're safe they DON'T need to know every aspect of the mer-community. <3 And like I offered, I'd be more than happy to speak with them if you think it might help. I tend to have an authoritative presence with parents that helps them stay calm. Must be all that teacher training :)

[Merman Dan]

Heck, I'll be 48 next month and my parents don't know I'm a merman. Granted, my folks are in their 70s and are fruit loops in their own special ways. I'm pretty sure they would shrug it off.

There are Cosplayers in the world. There are those who perform in character for RHPS. There are Bronies. There is room for merfolk.

And yes, as a tree-hugging money-loving Pagan Libertarian, I tend to vote Republican. ;)

[Mermaid Oshun]

Raina this is absolutely beautiful! I am absolutely amazed by your dedication and energy. Good luck Merman Arion

[PearlieMae]

I love this community!

[Seatan]

I definitely agree with everything Raina said, particularly about not jumping right into telling them. I work with the Gay Straight Alliance at the high school where I teach and I often tell the kids that even though in the best of situations we could tell people anything and have them be totally accepting, sometimes the way to get the best outcome is to ease into it, in this example by speaking about the good things the gay community does, how students at school really accept gay and lesbian kids, etc. Then the parens start to get some understanding of what gay people are like and what being gay means before the whole shebang comes out--aka creating a more positive feeling toward the topic than they may have before. Like Raina mentioned, you can do this with mermaiding as well by emphasizing the exercise benefits of free diving and swimming along with talking about how some monofin swimmers use costumes for teaching children about keeping our oceans clean, etc. That way they already have a positive association with the word "mermaid" or "merman" before they find out you are a mer. Then when you do tell them, they will already be partway down the road to acceptance. It's not a perfect plan, and doesn't guarantee anything, but I have seen it work surprisingly well for young gay teens, and I live in Texas, a rather conservative state.

Good luck on making it to NC!

[Soulstrifer]

I suppose for me it was fairly easy. I've always been a little on the weird side, pushing away from classic norm in everything I did so I suppose my parents were... well they weren't really surprised. We fish a lot and as a family are on the water all the time. Of course I haven't straight up told them hey I'm going to be a mermaid, but I asked my mom to take me to surf and scuba shops to look for a monofin and when she asked I told her I was making a tail. Her response was you are an odd egg. That was it.
Both of my parents are old school my mom was really upset with me for getting tattoos and after almost three years she finally accepted it and got her first tattoo. Now she wants more.
They aren't always happy about the choices I make but in the long run they know that they have to accept me for me or I'm just going to cut away.
I think honestly, coming out as being gay would be a lot rougher than saying hey I like to wear a tail when I swim! If I told my mom I was even slightly Bisexual all hell would break loose. She even goes to the point of having fits when me and my good female friends even /act/ gay. Which is all the time cause to hell with it we are all comfortable in our skin and our sexuality I've got a fiancee I've been with for six years and I have no intention of leaving him.
Regardless of what they think, you have support in all kinds of places. I think with a bit of time they will come to terms with it. You are an adult, do what makes you happy.

[AniaR]

Really, you're 24. You dont have to hide it or lie, but your folks don't have to know you like to swim in a mermaid tail if you don't want them to :p for example I did nude modelling for years before my parents found out. I didn't feel obligated to tell them because I was an adult, but I got featured in a local art gallery. They never said anything :p and they're super religious too so I anticipated all kinds of problems. But I really wanted to do it, so I just did it (after a lot of research and finding the right people to work with).

[SeaGlass Siren]

I didn't have to tell anyone :p everyone just keeps thinking my awesome "mermaid costume is swimmable" and they've happily dubbed me a mermaid :p

[Ondine]

I may be a bit late to the party, but from your post it seems like your parents are quite cautious about money (encouraging you to save your housing benefit etc) and are maybe the type of people who focus on planning for the future. Also you mention that you're not yet financially independent. If I were you, I would maybe emphasize not just the sporting aspects of mermaiding but also the potential to earn money from it on the side by starting your own small business? I know that my parents (who probably would have thought it was weird if I'd just said 'mum, dad, I want to be a mermaid!') were proud of the fact that I'd started a business with friends, and that probably helped them to get behind the fact that it was a slightly wacky business at first! So maybe you could pitch it as "I've started to get into this new sport. There's potential to earn some money on the side by mermaiding (mermanning? Do we use that as a verb) in my spare time. I'm interested in exploring the possibility of starting up my own small business, and I think it would be useful to attend a convention so I can get advice from other people who have more experience in the business".

Be careful not to make them think that you're about to quit work to become a penniless merman, but if you pitch it as a good way to get business experience, make a little money on the side, and potentially enhance your employability, they may be more keen?