Theobromine
11-14-2013, 03:17 PM
So...I guess I've been dealing with depression on and off for years now, but this past year it's pretty much been all ON. Some days I feel okay, and I try not to let it get to me, but other days (like today) I just feel waves of crushing sadness. So I hope no one minds if I just complain about it for a bit...I just need somewhere to write it down, I suppose. Writing therapy helps.
The past year and a bit was really hard for me; very full of ups and downs. I was working a job that I really hated, and felt guilty about hating because I felt that I really should have loved it (there were too many issues with that job to list here, that would be a subject for a whole separate post). I was living in a place where I felt completely alien, far from my family and far from my beloved rugged coast and deeply forested mountains. I can't actually say it was the worst year of my life....I DID marry my wonderful husband, just over a year ago (year and two weeks and one day). I made some really wonderful friends, including Mermaid Lorelei. But the place and my job were getting to me so badly that some days I couldn't even get out of bed (it was affecting my job as well as my personal life). I've been on antidepressants pretty consistently for the past year now, and while they help somewhat, they don't help entirely. I felt horrible that I was so miserable and useless that I was really hard for my husband to deal with. I know he was always thinking primarily of my happiness and did his best to help me cope, but it was really hard on him. So...on top of being semi-irrationally depressed and miserable all the time, I felt incredibly guilty about it as well, because I felt like I was nothing but a burden on my family and friends.
I knew I would never be happy where I was and I knew I had to do something about it, so with the love and support of my husband and the rest of my family (that much I am incredibly grateful for), I quit my job after a year and moved back home to Washington. I wanted to find a job before I left, but in my field it's really hard to find a job these days (unless you're a genius or really lucky, I guess), and I knew I couldn't stay any longer. So we came home. I was so happy to be back in my native Pacific Northwest, near my family again. I knew I had a lot of hard work ahead of me in terms of getting back on my feet, but at that point I felt strong enough to face it head-on.
Then, just a few days after my husband and I made it home in early September, we got the terrible news that my 16-year-old cat Nettle had kidney failure. I come from a family of cat people, and we all love our cats just as much as we love any human family members, so this was devastating. I've lost beloved kitties before, and it was always a huge blow that left me reeling for days, if not weeks. But Nettle was more than just a beloved family member to me. She was extra special. She was probably my most beloved cat ever. She always had the most incredible personality, and she was just so beautiful and vibrant. She was smart and brave…she was everything.
Realizing that we would not have her much longer was literally my worst nightmare. Upon getting the news of her illness, I pretty much threw everything else out the window. Job search….not important. Caring for Nettle was all I cared about. At that point she had lost a lot of weight, but she was still very much alive, still had her sparkling personality and I couldn’t bear the thought of losing that. I know some people would have had their cat put to sleep under similar circumstances, but knowing Nettle as I did, I just knew that was not what she would want, not if I could help it. Thank goodness I was unemployed. I literally put everything I could into caring for her, babying her, and spending time with her. The weather here was still gorgeous at that time, and Nettle loved nothing more than being outside, so I would set up a blanket in the front yard so I could be outside with her all day (our cats are mostly indoor cats and only go outside with supervision). I loved seeing how happy she was, stalking birds or just blissfully sunning herself in a warm patch of grass. Because she had mostly lost her appetite and was having trouble eating, I made special foods and treats for her until I found ones she really liked, just to make sure she kept getting enough nutrition and moisture. I knew I couldn’t save her, but I wanted her to be as happy and comfortable as possible. I’m just so glad I was able to spend all that time with her, cuddling her, babying her, and letting her know how much I loved her.
That was probably the hardest two months of my entire life. She faded gradually, but we all made sure to keep her as comfortable as possible. Finally we were giving her fluids every day and helping her eat and eventually helping her to move around. But she always retained her personality and her awareness, up until the very end, and she seemed to really appreciate everything we did for her. We (mostly my mother and I) took turns to watch her around the clock, and made up special beds so we could sleep with her and take care of her during the night. And eventually…just a few days after my birthday in October…she faded from existence. I took her outside one last time to enjoy the bright fall sunshine, she gave me one last goodbye kiss, and then she was gone. We all sat around her and cried. I’m crying right now as I write this.
I miss her so much. I’m sad. I feel hollow. I’m angry. I’m angry that I couldn’t keep her forever and that I will never see her again. I’m angry at the whole stupid world and how unfair everything is. I’m angry that I have to just get on with my stupid life when I hardly feel like I even care anymore. I feel like a stupid little kid, how in denial I am about everything, and how hard it is for me to handle grief and sadness. In fact, I’m even angry that sometimes I actually feel happy about things, because then I feel guilty because I shouldn’t be happy.
I’m frustrated about everything else, too. I’m frustrated that it’s so hard to find a freaking job. I have a master’s degree, I have a lot of experience, but it’s never the right KIND of experience or it’s not specific enough and thus I’m never really qualified enough. I’m angry that after everything I’ve tried to accomplish in my life, here I am almost 30 and married, yet living with my parents again, searching fruitlessly for something nebulous, trying to try hard yet being such a useless ball of misery I can’t even concentrate on simple things. I’m so grateful to my family for supporting me and helping me out while I’m trying to get back on my feet and figure out where my life will go next. I’m frustrated and angry with myself because I feel like I keep letting everyone down. And I’m just miserable, because I felt that at least as long as my beautiful Nettle was alive, I would have been able to forge ahead and do what I need to do…in fact one of the biggest reasons I was so looking forward to coming home was being with her again. But now she’s gone and I can’t handle the world; I can’t even handle the stupidest most mundane little things.
I’m grateful that I had Nettle in my life. I’m grateful that she was with us for 16 years, and that we were able to care for her in the end, and that I got home when I did so I could spend that time with her. I’m grateful that my family is so understanding. I’m grateful for my husband who sticks with me through thick and thin. I’m grateful for my friends who listen, even when I’m no fun to listen to. And I’m grateful for our other wonderful kitties, past and present. I just keep trying to remember these things, even when I feel like I’m nothing but a terrible burden on the people I care about. I don’t know why everything is so soul-crushingly difficult for me to deal with…but I haven’t quite given up yet. Even though I feel like it, most days. But at least I can honor Nettle’s memory with this much. I will keep the memory of her alive.
This turned out a lot longer than I meant it to. If anyone even read this far, thank you for listening. Writing everything down does help. Now maybe I can go try to do something a little more cheerful.
The past year and a bit was really hard for me; very full of ups and downs. I was working a job that I really hated, and felt guilty about hating because I felt that I really should have loved it (there were too many issues with that job to list here, that would be a subject for a whole separate post). I was living in a place where I felt completely alien, far from my family and far from my beloved rugged coast and deeply forested mountains. I can't actually say it was the worst year of my life....I DID marry my wonderful husband, just over a year ago (year and two weeks and one day). I made some really wonderful friends, including Mermaid Lorelei. But the place and my job were getting to me so badly that some days I couldn't even get out of bed (it was affecting my job as well as my personal life). I've been on antidepressants pretty consistently for the past year now, and while they help somewhat, they don't help entirely. I felt horrible that I was so miserable and useless that I was really hard for my husband to deal with. I know he was always thinking primarily of my happiness and did his best to help me cope, but it was really hard on him. So...on top of being semi-irrationally depressed and miserable all the time, I felt incredibly guilty about it as well, because I felt like I was nothing but a burden on my family and friends.
I knew I would never be happy where I was and I knew I had to do something about it, so with the love and support of my husband and the rest of my family (that much I am incredibly grateful for), I quit my job after a year and moved back home to Washington. I wanted to find a job before I left, but in my field it's really hard to find a job these days (unless you're a genius or really lucky, I guess), and I knew I couldn't stay any longer. So we came home. I was so happy to be back in my native Pacific Northwest, near my family again. I knew I had a lot of hard work ahead of me in terms of getting back on my feet, but at that point I felt strong enough to face it head-on.
Then, just a few days after my husband and I made it home in early September, we got the terrible news that my 16-year-old cat Nettle had kidney failure. I come from a family of cat people, and we all love our cats just as much as we love any human family members, so this was devastating. I've lost beloved kitties before, and it was always a huge blow that left me reeling for days, if not weeks. But Nettle was more than just a beloved family member to me. She was extra special. She was probably my most beloved cat ever. She always had the most incredible personality, and she was just so beautiful and vibrant. She was smart and brave…she was everything.
Realizing that we would not have her much longer was literally my worst nightmare. Upon getting the news of her illness, I pretty much threw everything else out the window. Job search….not important. Caring for Nettle was all I cared about. At that point she had lost a lot of weight, but she was still very much alive, still had her sparkling personality and I couldn’t bear the thought of losing that. I know some people would have had their cat put to sleep under similar circumstances, but knowing Nettle as I did, I just knew that was not what she would want, not if I could help it. Thank goodness I was unemployed. I literally put everything I could into caring for her, babying her, and spending time with her. The weather here was still gorgeous at that time, and Nettle loved nothing more than being outside, so I would set up a blanket in the front yard so I could be outside with her all day (our cats are mostly indoor cats and only go outside with supervision). I loved seeing how happy she was, stalking birds or just blissfully sunning herself in a warm patch of grass. Because she had mostly lost her appetite and was having trouble eating, I made special foods and treats for her until I found ones she really liked, just to make sure she kept getting enough nutrition and moisture. I knew I couldn’t save her, but I wanted her to be as happy and comfortable as possible. I’m just so glad I was able to spend all that time with her, cuddling her, babying her, and letting her know how much I loved her.
That was probably the hardest two months of my entire life. She faded gradually, but we all made sure to keep her as comfortable as possible. Finally we were giving her fluids every day and helping her eat and eventually helping her to move around. But she always retained her personality and her awareness, up until the very end, and she seemed to really appreciate everything we did for her. We (mostly my mother and I) took turns to watch her around the clock, and made up special beds so we could sleep with her and take care of her during the night. And eventually…just a few days after my birthday in October…she faded from existence. I took her outside one last time to enjoy the bright fall sunshine, she gave me one last goodbye kiss, and then she was gone. We all sat around her and cried. I’m crying right now as I write this.
I miss her so much. I’m sad. I feel hollow. I’m angry. I’m angry that I couldn’t keep her forever and that I will never see her again. I’m angry at the whole stupid world and how unfair everything is. I’m angry that I have to just get on with my stupid life when I hardly feel like I even care anymore. I feel like a stupid little kid, how in denial I am about everything, and how hard it is for me to handle grief and sadness. In fact, I’m even angry that sometimes I actually feel happy about things, because then I feel guilty because I shouldn’t be happy.
I’m frustrated about everything else, too. I’m frustrated that it’s so hard to find a freaking job. I have a master’s degree, I have a lot of experience, but it’s never the right KIND of experience or it’s not specific enough and thus I’m never really qualified enough. I’m angry that after everything I’ve tried to accomplish in my life, here I am almost 30 and married, yet living with my parents again, searching fruitlessly for something nebulous, trying to try hard yet being such a useless ball of misery I can’t even concentrate on simple things. I’m so grateful to my family for supporting me and helping me out while I’m trying to get back on my feet and figure out where my life will go next. I’m frustrated and angry with myself because I feel like I keep letting everyone down. And I’m just miserable, because I felt that at least as long as my beautiful Nettle was alive, I would have been able to forge ahead and do what I need to do…in fact one of the biggest reasons I was so looking forward to coming home was being with her again. But now she’s gone and I can’t handle the world; I can’t even handle the stupidest most mundane little things.
I’m grateful that I had Nettle in my life. I’m grateful that she was with us for 16 years, and that we were able to care for her in the end, and that I got home when I did so I could spend that time with her. I’m grateful that my family is so understanding. I’m grateful for my husband who sticks with me through thick and thin. I’m grateful for my friends who listen, even when I’m no fun to listen to. And I’m grateful for our other wonderful kitties, past and present. I just keep trying to remember these things, even when I feel like I’m nothing but a terrible burden on the people I care about. I don’t know why everything is so soul-crushingly difficult for me to deal with…but I haven’t quite given up yet. Even though I feel like it, most days. But at least I can honor Nettle’s memory with this much. I will keep the memory of her alive.
This turned out a lot longer than I meant it to. If anyone even read this far, thank you for listening. Writing everything down does help. Now maybe I can go try to do something a little more cheerful.