Omg...boys are just confusing.

[MermaidBrandie]

Ok...this is going to take a little background.

I'm in a relationship with someone, we've had our ups and downs but we're doing fantastically and we're very happy. We're also in an open realtionship, and have been for about two years now.

There's a friend of ours. My bf knew him first, but then when I moved in and the friend was a roommate (his name is Nick), I got to know him and through a period of mine and my bf's "downs" Nick became more my friend then my bf's. I have always been interested in Nick, he's handsome and has a fantastic personality. That being said, I've also always known that any serious relationship between me and him would be a terrible idea.

Nick has a girlfriend. They are not in an open relationship and I respect that. Nick loves her and has dated her for about a year or so now. They've broken up at least once and he's been contemplating breaking up with her with finality since december at least. I've been trying to help him, and be supportave in a way that neither says "break up with her" or says "keep trying! it'll get better!". I will support his decision and was fully happy to do so...until thursday night.

What happened thursday night? He showed up at my work, waited for us to close and then, whilst sitting in the parking lot in my car, proceeded to spend from 11pm to about 1230pm telling me all about their more recent fights, how much she's been frustrating him and treating him badly and how much he loves her but doesn't want to put up with her crap anymore. In trying to lighten the mood I jokingly said "Ya know, the last time I spent this long in a car with a friend telling me how much his girlfriend annoyed him, he cheated on her." (Not by much, but the wording was funny, the timeing was perfect, and he was looking like he needed a good one liner.) Again, I have ALWAYS had feelings for Nick, but his actions made it seem like his interest in me was always non-sexual. I might as well have been a shoe to him. I've known him since before he ever got with this girl too, so I had no reason to ever doubt my assumption of his feeling towards me. That line made something shift, call me crazy but I could almost feel it in the car. He looked at me and gave a little smirk. I then spent from about 1230pm to 115am TALKING HIM OUT OF POSSIBLY CHEATING ON HIS GIRLFRIEND WITH ME. I found out he's always had an interest in me too, that he agrees we would never work as a relationship....he was hoping my feelings for him would make me want to take the chance I had and...lead him to cheat. When I realized that, I said "Do you want me to do this?" he thanked me later for not but in the moment he was wanting me to do it.

If him and his girlfriend break up, which they should. I'm tired of seeing my friend constantly worried, stressed or emotionally hurt, then he wants me to be there to...ah...well, help him feel better and get over her. I would like that, but only if he wants it. I have not ever, nor will I, tell him to break up with her.

I'm conflicted because of the new information. I really really just want him to be happy, and if he's happy with her, then so be it. If he's not...then I don't know what I can do to help him and it hurts me to see him this way.

I'm sure by now some of you can realize that I love him.

He and I go swimming together once a week, I'll be seeing him wednesday evening. From a breif text message I sent him (My message: "How are you doing today? Haven't heard from you, so either you're still bad or you're really good and have amazing make up sex" and the message I got in return "No, much better" I know he's doing better. I don't know what that means, or emotionally what I want it to mean...I just don't know what to think right now. I don't know how to talk this all out because I really want to talk to a girl but I don't know that many. My boyfriend finds it all interesting and is glad that I'm a good friend.

Ugh. Any feedback would be awesome. Mostly I just wanted to write this all out.

[Echidna]

There are some guys (and probably girls too) out there who are in semi-unhappy relationships, but lack the emotional strength and resolve to break up by themselves.
I've seen a similar thing going on for many years in my family; two people always disagreeing and fighting, running off asking for counsel, and when counselled to break up, they run back to each other, make up and are super-duper happy-
until the whole carp starts again.

Something like that can be really tiring for the friends and family who always have to listen to hour long sermons of about how crappy the relationship is, but when you say "well break up then", they don't want to because "but we lubz each oder!!".

Rinse and repeat a zillion times, ad infinitum.

In your case, I guess the dude wanted YOU to give him a reason to make up his mind (which he obviously won't do by himself), by being "seduced" or whatever.
Imo, good for you you didn't.
I'd think twice, thrice and more before getting involved with someone who seemingly can't make up their own mind.

[MermaidBrandie]

Yea that concerns me too. I was absolutely shocked when I realized that's what he was doing. I refuse to do anything with him while he's still with her, but if they break up I won't be opposed to something casual with him (I've wanted him for too long), but I'm not leading anything. I'll leave it all in his hands.

[malinghi]

So, to be clear, the fact you're in an open relationship has nothing to do with this story right? The relevant fact is that you are available? Just wanted to clarify that.

A few observations:

It sounds like instead of one really complicated problem you may have several smaller simpler problems.

One is the problem that your friend can't decide to end the relationship or not. I know nothing about the situation and have no idea what I'm talking about, but they should probably break up. Whenever people keep breaking up and getting back together I assume they're getting back together cause they hate being alone while they look for someone else, not cause they actually want to be together. Again, I have no idea what I'm talking about.

Another observation: infidelity is bad. Its good you didn't do anything with him in the car.

Also, As I'm understanding it, he's attracted to you and was hoping you would come onto him so you guys could hook up thus forcing him to end his relationship? If so that's it seems like he really just doesn't want to have to be responsible for his actions. You should probably clarify to him that those kind of mind games are pretty unhealthy and frankly a little obnoxious.

That's all I got. I don't know anything about relationships.

[MermaidBrandie]

So, to be clear, the fact you're in an open relationship has nothing to do with this story right? The relevant fact is that you are available? Just wanted to clarify that.

A few observations:

It sounds like instead of one really complicated problem you may have several smaller simpler problems.

One is the problem that your friend can't decide to end the relationship or not. I know nothing about the situation and have no idea what I'm talking about, but they should probably break up. Whenever people keep breaking up and getting back together I assume they're getting back together cause they hate being alone while they look for someone else, not cause they actually want to be together. Again, I have no idea what I'm talking about.

Another observation: infidelity is bad. Its good you didn't do anything with him in the car.

Also, As I'm understanding it, he's attracted to you and was hoping you would come onto him so you guys could hook up thus forcing him to end his relationship? If so that's it seems like he really just doesn't want to have to be responsible for his actions. You should probably clarify to him that those kind of mind games are pretty unhealthy and frankly a little obnoxious.

That's all I got. I don't know anything about relationships.
Yes my open relationship doesn't really have anything directly to do with the story, I just wanted it out there in case I mentioned my boyfriend later in a post that way I could avoid posts like "omg your cheating!!" when I'm not.

He keeps giving her more chances, when I wouldn't. I agree that he should just leave her, I didn't know until that night that they'd broken up before already.

From what I can tell, yes that is what he was expecting. When he was still single I hit on him/flirted with him often. Since he's gotten with her, I haven't other than the occasional joking innuendo, which I do with everybody. I think he was expecting me to see him having a moment of weakness, and more directly assist him with his problem. He is either purposely playing those mind games, or he simply misjudged my personality in a moment of emotional over stimulation. He's one of the most perfect gentlemen I've met, and is normally quite shy. I'm inclined to believe it was the latter, but will be watching him closely.

[SIF]

Wow.... You win!

I've been having issues in this field too, in much the same way actually.


It sounds like you've known him for a while, and it would benefit him greatly to sit him down and tell him the issue in full. Let him know what you think he was trying to do in the car and find out what he thought he was doing. Then tell him that your his friend and you love him very much and are there to help him with his problems in life, but he needs to figure things out about this girl on his own because you don't want to hear about the troubles when they occur every (_________ amount of time). Hopefully that'll let him know that it came across like he was trying to get you to make his decision for him, because some guys do things and don't even realize it comes across the way it does(MY problem) and just need to be told and also allow a conclusion to be brought to your mind. Eeeeven if it isn't necessarily the one you hope for.

:)


As to needing to write it out, I get that. It's actually one of the best ways our human halves solve problems. to hear it several times or look at it. Example: if we SEE the number of objects we have in a mathematical "word problem" we can solve it more easily than if we look at it on paper and when we put things down on paper in a pictorial or literal fashion (no numbers) we better understand it.
I strongly suspect that the more times you read this post, the closer you'll come to that emerging thought or idea of what to do.

I always solve problems, crossing the abilities of the two halves of my brain, because it forces them to cooperate to fix the problem. Especially artistically or socially.


HOPE THIS HELPED!

[MermaidBrandie]

Thanks, Nyssa. :)

So him and his gf worked things out. I suppose I'm happy for him.

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Бере (http://secularclergy.ru/shop/1493728)

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Обра (http://seismicefficiency.ru/shop/364345)

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Емох (http://selectivediffuser.ru/shop/402894)