How to deal with jealousy/envy

[Mermaid Adriel]

I'm sorry if I can seem a bit depressed now, but I really need help. I think we are like a big family and, as such, we have to help each other, right?
Well, I'm a very jealous person, jealous of people's happyness. Expecially in this period. I'm unhappy, even if apparently I don't miss anything: I've a family that loves me and supports me on my mermaiding dream (and probably I'll start working this summer!), I go to a university faculty that I like, I've a boyfriend who loves me, and this summer I'll make my dream silicone tail. What else?
But, in spite of everything, I feel this way :(
I'm ruining my life with this...

[SeaNymph]

I just read your question and give you some thoughts. It is normal to be jealous from time to time, everyone is, but if it´s permanent you should try to find out, what is it EXACTLY you are jealous on at people? Maybe the problem is, that, although you obviously seem to have very much in your life, there must be something you miss. Maybe you don´t feel appreciated enough? All I can advise you is: next time you are jealous on somebody, don´t go into that feeling but focus on your thoughts to find out the objective reason. What does he/she have that you don´t have? Then you can better work on it :-)

[Theta]

When I get really jealous of people or situations, I go home and take a deep breath, and write out all my blessings, one by one. It helps to see it on paper, sometimes.

Another thing I would recommend is to go do something for someone else- nothing makes me feel better like helping. Is there a soup kitchen nearby you could volunteer at once in a while?

[AniaR]

1. recognize that we ALL get jealous or envious, and that it's normal, and something everyone struggled with. <3

2. If you find it happening a lot, avoid your triggers. For a while when I was starting out I was jealous of everyone with a better tail cuz I paid so much money for mine and it was a rip off (my first realistic one way back when) so I had to take breaks and not look at other tails for awhile until I got over it. A lot of times jealousy comes out of resentment. We resent the fact we can't do certain things or have certain things when we in fact feel we deserve to.

3. Avoid people who make you feel jealous for a while, until you can learn to deal with it. I had a lot of history with another performing mermaid, and I resented her a lot for getting so much attention after I helped her get so far and then she kinda dumped me. For YEARS I couldn't look at her page, because I got so mad it seemed like everything came so easy to her. So I started working on myself, boosting my own confidence, and trying to ignore her. Years later, I'm certainly not jealous of her. If anything, I feel really bad for her because she does a lot of faking it to make herself look better. Who needs to be jealous of something that doesn't exist?

4. Tell someone else you have these thoughts, ask them to help keep you accountable! I'm dealing with a lot of bad stuff right now, so my boyfriend kindly calls me out when I say something mean/spiteful/depressing. LOL He helps me put things in perspective. And having someone actually point out to you when you do it, helps you become aware of it, so you can change it.

5. Make efforts to change your negative thinking. When you find yourself being jealous, stop in that moment and do something else to take your mind off it. Soon you'll be able to catch yourself, and eventually you just wont have many jealous thoughts.

Jealousy is totally normal, but if it's gotten to the point you feel the need to ask for help then I think it's time you try out some of my tips :) we ALLLLLL get there. Sometimes all we need is a little perspective. People get jealous of me because I have a merbellas tail. Then they realize I have several incurable chronic illnesses, grew up with a terrible childhood, and am pretty poor hahahah then they rethink. ;) sometimes learning a bit about the people you're jealous of helps you flip the switch :) And sometimes... you even make a new friend!!!

[Echidna]

this is confusing.
I'm not sure what envy feels like, and here people go and say everyone is jealous.

guess I'm doing it wrong.

[AniaR]

this is confusing.
I'm not sure what envy feels like, and here people go and say everyone is jealous.

guess I'm doing it wrong.

Everyone feels them both at some point in their life. Everyone wants something someone else has. To want someone else has without any negative feelings is typically referred to envious. You can't tell me you've *never* felt envious of someone with more than you have. Jealousy is the same sort of feeling but generally implies negative feelings. Perhaps resentment that someone has something you want. It's not necessarily physical things, it could be attention, emotions, environment etc. Though people tend to see "envious" as neutral, "envy" still comes across in the dictionary with resentment etc

We can't help what we feel. So you may feel it and then decide to not focus or act on it, but everyone does feel these things at various points in their life. You may not specifically in regards to mermaids.
jealous   Use Jealous in a sentence (http://www.reference.com/example-sentences/jealous)
jeal·ous [jel-uhhttp://static.sfdict.com/dictstatic/dictionary/graphics/luna/thinsp.pnghttp://static.sfdict.com/dictstatic/dictionary/graphics/luna/thinsp.pngs] Show IPA
adjective 1. feeling resentment against someone because of that person's rivalry, success, or advantages (often followed by of ): He was jealous of his rich brother.

2. feeling resentment because of another's success, advantage, etc. (often followed by of ): He was jealous of his brother's wealth.

3. characterized by or proceeding from suspicious fears or envious resentment: a jealous rage; jealous intrigues.

4. inclined to or troubled by suspicions or fears of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/love) or aims: a jealous husband.

5. solicitous or vigilant in maintaining or guarding something: The American people are jealous of their freedom


en·vy [en-vee] Show IPA
noun, plural en·vies. 1. a feeling of discontent or covetousness with regard to another's advantages, success, possessions, etc.

2. an object (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/object) of envious (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/envious) feeling: Her intelligence made her the envy of her classmates.

3. Obsolete . ill will (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/will).


verb (used with object), en·vied, en·vy·ing. 4. to regard with envy; be envious (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/envious) of: He envies her the position she has achieved in her profession.


verb (used without object), en·vied, en·vy·ing. 5. Obsolete . to be affected with envy.

[Echidna]

I dunno, maybe I'm just weird.

I've been told I also lack several other basic human emotions like curiosity (the drive for all human advance and invention: "what will happpen if I cut off this creatures rear end??"), and also the urge to hunt and kill something.

that probably means I'm a psycho :p

but I don't want to derail Claudia's thread.

[Mermaid Kelda]

I guess language is always evolving, but I was always taught this was the difference between jealousy and envy:

"Envy" and "jealousy" are often used interchangeably in common usage, but strictly speaking, the words stand for two distinct emotions. Jealousy is the result or fear of losing someone or something that one is attached to or possesses to another person (the transfer of a lover's affections in the typical form), while envy is the resentment caused by another person having something that one does not have, but desires for oneself.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Envy#Comparison_with_jealousy

So, you can be a jealous girlfriend which means you're jealous (possessive) of your boyfriend, or something else you already own and don't want taken away. Or you can be envious, meaning you're envious of what other people have that you don't have. I don't think envy comes across as a neutral term; it's one of the deadly sins after all.

I guess it doesn't matter though, haha. I'm just being pedantic and I think everyone knows what is meant anyway because "jealous" has sort of become popular usage for both meanings.

[Echidna]

^^Actually, you explained it really well.

And I'm pretty sure there are loads of people who have felt neither.
Otherwise, there would be no one content with what they have.

Folks in poor regions, paradoxically, usually are pretty content as long as they have just enough to live on, and are much less dissatisfied with themselves and others than people in rich countries.

And rich people often can't get enough and still are unhappy and want more.


That is generally speaking, wish I could say something to help the OP.

[AniaR]

I dunno, I studied child development, and normal healthy child development consists of stages that enter through jealousy/envy. I *realllllly* have a VERY hard time believing a person could *never* feel them. :/

[Echidna]

"child development" is hardly an exact science though I'd wager.
There are lots of different characters out there.

If you study children, you can see there are even among the smallest some that play happily for themselves and/or share freely with others, and those who yell, bully others, and grab all toys.

Same goes for animals, btw.
I've had cats who always let others eat from their bowl, although they were bigger and could easily have shoo'd the others away, and then those who won't suffer others near "their" food or toys.


I *realllllly* have a VERY hard time believing a person could *never* feel them. :/

can't help you there :)

[AniaR]

We're talking people, not animals. I simply challenge your claim that you never feel jealousy. and while a person may choose not to act or focus on them, it does not mean they don't have those feelings. Even kids who may never *act* jealous

Autistics, sociopaths, and psychopaths all experience jealousy or envy. And those are the top 3 that cause a person to omit certain emotions from their abilities such as empathy, compassion etc. People with brain injuries experience jealousy. Dementia patients experience jealousy. You can say it, but I honestly don't believe it. That's like saying, "I don't experience anger. I don't experience yearning. I don't experience hunger." Even the most peaceful and positive people- including well recognized leaders- experience jealousy. I don't see the point of saying "I don't ever feel jealous" in a thread where someone is asking for help with jealousy, and to me though it may not be your intention, that comes off a little holier than thou and denial. I would wager a person couldn't even go a day without a fleeting jealous or envious thought, even though it's small. I think it's more an issue of perhaps not understanding the emotion or recognizing when a person feels it, rather than 100% never feeling it. It's common psychological approach that jealousy is an innate trait that varies in severity in humans and is expressed differently through men and women. Studies have even shown that the actual thing that makes a person jealous doesn't have to actually exist for a person to feel jealous. E.g. men asked to imagine their spouse's cheating on them still experienced jealousy and showed mental and physical traits of jealousy even though it was imaginary.

So yeah, I stand by my comment. Claudia can feel validated that jealousy is a normal feeling that everyone experiences from time to time.

Interesting studies and publications on the topic: (Claudia many of these have tips for dealing with jealousy as well)
www.bec.ucla.edu/papers/Harris_4-26-04.pdf‎ (http://www.bec.ucla.edu/papers/Harris_4-26-04.pdf‎)

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/10870910

http://science.howstuffworks.com/life/inside-the-mind/emotions/jealousy.htm
(^ really nice break down that explains it all)


Recently evolutionary psychologists proposed that jealousy is a specific innate module, a circuit in the brain that reflects the different selective pressures that acted on ancestral men and women.
http://www.americanscientist.org/issues/feature/2004/1/the-evolution-of-jealousy

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/23386555


How to cope with jealousy:
http://galadarling.com/article/im-so-jealous

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anxiety-files/200805/jealousy-is-killer-how-break-free-your-jealous-feelings

[Echidna]

to me though it may not be your intention, that comes off a little holier than thou and denial.

no, this wasn't my intention. :rolleyes:
My apologies to the OP.

I won't reply to the rest, because it would be further derailment.
Think what you like ;)

if there are a million scientific studies that no one can go for a single day without coveting other people's things, and everyone who says otherwise is a liar or in denial- well.

I won't try to talk anyone out of believing that.

[Winged Mermaid]

I see where she's coming from, just coming into a thread where someone is saying this issue is ruining their life and asking for help, then saying essentially, "Oh well I don't get that at all, ever" can be hurtful and counterproductive. I'm sure you didn't mean it that way, just not good timing is all. I know you were just relating to it the way you can (or in this case, can't), but maybe just think about how relating in that way can effect the person next time? It's something I know I have to work on too- we all put our fin in our mouths sometimes ;)

[Echidna]

I know you were just relating to it the way you can (or in this case, can't), but maybe just think about how relating in that way can effect the person next time? It's something I know I have to work on too- we all put our fin in our mouths sometimes ;)

19197

true, hence my apology to the OP.
I'm also good in derailing threads :/ best to sack the keyboard.

[Winged Mermaid]

urgh, had a big long response for Claudia and the database error ate it. Well, I went on about how it's perfectly normal, and no one wants to feel that way or live that way. But especially people are depressed or just displeased with some aspect of their life (maybe they don't even know what that aspect is) it's uncommon not to have those feelings. Raina gave some great tips- try a gratitude journal for 2 weeks! I know it sounds silly, but it can help :) You can just use a little note pad or something. Write 5 things you're grateful for each day. It can be big (like for your health or family) or small (like that you found a dollar on the street, or you almost dropped your pizza but didn't)- just 5 things every day :)

[Mermaid Adriel]

I feel a bit better now. I know that jealousy and envy are something normal but sometimes it really gets me feeling so bad I could get mad...

Anyway, thank you everyone for your precious advices <3 I'll follow them all :)

[PearlieMae]

I don't know if it will help, but for me, when something trying/negative is going on in my life, I try to step back and ask myself "what it's the lesson I am supposed to learn from this?" The answer isn't always easy, and it's sometimes something you ready have to ponder, but once you realize the answer, you never have to relearn that lesson. You will recognize the next time those feelings are creeping in and once you do, you will know that that feeling has no power or control over you.

[AniaR]

Raina gave some great tips- try a gratitude journal for 2 weeks! I know it sounds silly, but it can help

This. It can actually help with a LOT of negative thinking. I started one that I called my happiness journal. I got a really pretty one and every day I wrote down all the things that made me happy or grateful. Then when I went back and read it, it was pretty cool and helped change my thinking.

Jealousy isn't just about things, though this thread is specifically about things. A lot of what is written about jealousy tends to fall on relationships with friends and spouses, sometimes co workers etc. "I feel jealous he/she doesn't look at me/talk to me/act with me that way" sort of thing. Or feeling jealous that someone else is getting recognition, "why can't they see how hard I am working?" etc. So a lot of those links I sent you focus on relationships because that seems to be the #1 people report feeling jealous. but a lot of the tips in there still apply. You just sorta gotta adapt them to a thing like a mermaid tail ;)

[Ariel-Starfish]

Thanks for putting this all up Raina, I enjoyed reading it. :thumbs-up:

[Mermaid Adriel]

This. It can actually help with a LOT of negative thinking. I started one that I called my happiness journal. I got a really pretty one and every day I wrote down all the things that made me happy or grateful. Then when I went back and read it, it was pretty cool and helped change my thinking.


well, I have an agenda in which I sign everyday what happens during the day. I think it could work :)

[MerGrrl]

May I submit that jealousy, while uncomfortable, can also be a great motivator?

One of the ways I discovered my career was by being insanely jealous of other people who had the job I wanted. I didn't even realize how badly I wanted it until I caught myself thinking *very bad thoughts* about the people who had this job: "Oh, well, how many guys did she sleep with to get there?" etc. Since this was out of character for me, I probed deeper, and realized, damn! *I* want that job!

Long story short, in pursuing that particular job, I found an even better fit, career-wise (though I still feel some jealousy - and that's okay!).

At any rate, I've found that for me at least, jealousy often crops up to let me know there are things I desire strongly, but perhaps have not been brave/determined enough to pursue. Just the pursuit itself sometimes helps assuage the jealousy.

Just a thought!

[Mermaid Adriel]

May I submit that jealousy, while uncomfortable, can also be a great motivator?

One of the ways I discovered my career was by being insanely jealous of other people who had the job I wanted. I didn't even realize how badly I wanted it until I caught myself thinking *very bad thoughts* about the people who had this job: "Oh, well, how many guys did she sleep with to get there?" etc. Since this was out of character for me, I probed deeper, and realized, damn! *I* want that job!

Long story short, in pursuing that particular job, I found an even better fit, career-wise (though I still feel some jealousy - and that's okay!).

At any rate, I've found that for me at least, jealousy often crops up to let me know there are things I desire strongly, but perhaps have not been brave/determined enough to pursue. Just the pursuit itself sometimes helps assuage the jealousy.

Just a thought!


this is true, yes, but sometimes you can't have what you want and others have...

[Mermaid Dottie]

Which is perfectly okay, too.
I get envious over other people's skill sets and talents, and sometimes even physical traits. I really, really wish I was a natural curly-topped ginger, with red freckles and green eyes, like my friend Bells. I wish I had my little brother's talent for drawing. I wish I could get water in my nose without choking while I swim, like Kariel.
I'm envious of these things, but I can never have them.
That's okay, though, because when I look at myself, I like me. I like that my natural hair color is so dark, and that my eyes are blue. I may not have My kid bro's skils with a pencil, but I can photoshop like nobody's business. As for the water.... well, I'll figure it out.
You're feelings are normal and natural, and if you don't like them, use gratitude. I'm happiest when I'm truly thankful for everything I have. Thankful feelings push away negative ones really well.
This video actually illustrates that point rather well.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHv6vTKD6lg

You might even try to recreate their experiment and see how you feel afterward. I did! It was great.

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