How mermaiding saved my life

[Morticia Mermaid]

Some of you know that I recently moved out of an extremely abusive living situation, since then I've been making regular visits to a doctor to work out ways to help with my depression before attempting medications.

Depression for a lot is a touchy issue, because they feel that something is wrong with them, they feel broken (I know this from experience). After we moved my mother basically planned an intervention (yes as in the same thing they do for addicts) because my mood was just getting worse. My family was scared for me. Had I thought about the easy way out- to be honest, yes I have. I've thought about it numerous times, and that's what scared them, though I never acted on them. Whether I was to weak to do it or strong enough not to, I don't really know.

Anyways, talking with my doctor we've found a couple ways that I've been able to work through it. The main ways being swimming and being creative. So, after taking with my family, they brought up the idea of possibly writing a book on my experience.

I'm currently working in a rough draft, and have been in contact with several editors and publishers (all love the idea). I've been doing a ton of research so I will be able to provide technical facts asking side my experiences.

My intention is to write about my experience with depression, my unwillingness to medicate (only as a last resort), and what has helped pull me back from that edge.

I'd really appreciate opinions as to what people think about this, but they are not necessary. I'll be posting and sharing updates as to how the research, writing process, and editor/publisher selection goes. And also share when it's finally published.

[Aquarianne]

That sounds SO great, congrats! Depression is never easy...I've been medicated for it since college, because I just can't function otherwise. It took years to settle on a medication that didn't cause me side effects or artificially change my mood or personality. But I know for some people that's just not an option. Meditation and having creative and positive outlets has helped me enormously in addition to meds...I hope it helps you out too!! Good luck with the book! :D

[PearlieMae]

:clap:

I wish you all the best in this endeavor! I'm so glad you managed to extract yourself from that situation!
:)

[coral_sybil]

I hear you on the medication. And while it works for some, it really but a haze over everything. I got used to it after a while, but they found it was messing with my hormone imbalance that my body was acting like there was a tumor in my brain. So while they ran more tests I went off the medication and it had been worse than ever. Everything was over stimulating. Typically they ween people off their medication, so that typically doesn't happen.

When writing something this close to you I would recommend writing the parts that really stand out to you. Or if you are more of a linear person go ahead and write an outline or start from the beginning. I just find that most people find it easier to write the parts that are the most meaningful to them at that precise moment v. writing as the story comes and possibly shocking themselves or just stopping when they come to a part that is hard at that moment.

[Mermaid Lily_Pad]

I suffer from depression as well and you're right you do feel broken, and rarely want to talk about it. I am trying to pull myself out of the pit as I type this actually. It's been a rough go and medication doesn't work for me. It is wonderful your family cared so much as to help you, and then your finding your path to success, I wish you all the best and look forward to reading the progress!

[Blaze]

*nods* Good idea. Currently trying to pull myself out of a bad low; my sweet furbaby Tank passed away 2.5 months ago after a long journey of trying to get him well from a ruptured disk in his spine. He had back surgery in March after which he needed almost round the clock care (which I happily gave) but passed away on April 24th when I had left him to fly to Chicago for training. 2 days into my 5 day trip hubby called me. :(

Tank
22417

Anyways. I knew it would be bad but I didn't know HOW bad. I've been on medication in the past but my former therapist retired and honestly I hated the weight gain and libido decline. :( So just trying to muddle my way through this time.

Hubby is trying to help me, it's awesome that your family is supporting you too. I look forward to the book & hope its helpful to you!

[Mermaid Galene]

I'm so sorry to hear about Tank, Blaze. The loss of a furchild is so very hard. Hang in there.

[SeaGlass Siren]

:hugs: morti, do it :)

[Seatan]

I hear you on the medication. And while it works for some, it really but a haze over everything. I got used to it after a while, but they found it was messing with my hormone imbalance that my body was acting like there was a tumor in my brain. So while they ran more tests I went off the medication and it had been worse than ever. Everything was over stimulating. Typically they ween people off their medication, so that typically doesn't happen.

Medication is a very individualized thing and definitely has to be spoken about on a case by case basis. It can cause a haze for some, but it works amazingly well for others, and is sometimes the only thing that allows some chemically imbalanced people (like me) to function on a normal level. Before I took medication, I did not know what "normal" felt like because I had been either depressed or manic my entire life. I guess I am one of the lucky ones that medications work so wonderfully for me.

Morticia, you are an amazingly brave person, and I think a memoir about your experiences would be wonderful. If it can help even one person in a similar situation then it is more than worth it. Mental illness "shaming" is something that has followed me my whole life. If I share what mental illness I am diagnosed with, suddenly I go from being a successful, independent, intelligent person to being that crazy person. At least if you have a physical illness you are not usually blamed for it. Being able to be outspoken about your problems is a very brave thing to do.

[coral_sybil]

Medication is a very individualized thing and definitely has to be spoken about on a case by case basis. It can cause a haze for some, but it works amazingly well for others, and is sometimes the only thing that allows some chemically imbalanced people (like me) to function on a normal level. Before I took medication, I did not know what "normal" felt like because I had been either depressed or manic my entire life. I guess I am one of the lucky ones that medications work so wonderfully for me.

After I got used to the haze I understood normal. However I don't like the idea of constant medication. I shared my story as it is: my story. And included the fact that my case was a little different. Actually before they realized what it was doing to my body they were about to double the amount of medication they had me on.

I think what Morticia is doing is a wonderful thing, there needs to be more books out there letting people understand or get some idea of what it's like. I just hope she finds a writing style that is right for her.

[AniaR]

sometimes medication is good for getting you through the rough stuff until you're able to cope on your own. When I was constantly sick and in pain from my illnesses I became depressed. I took Elavil for a year to get me through my final year of university (in addition to being an anti-depressant, it also helps you sleep which was a big issue for me, and turns off pain receptors) Once I felt like I was in a more stable place and through the more rougher stuff I weaned myself off it and now I'm fine. I went through therapy and learned loads of coping techniques.

Sometimes, you just can't learn to cope if you don't have meds. Happy thoughts and keeping busy with creative things is all well and good until you hit that awful awful low you aren't suspecting. It's like trying to put out a fire by blowing it out, when you could have a bucket of water instead. Sure, if you try hard enough you might be able to blow it out, or you could make it worse. Sometimes you just need the bucket of water.

I find there's a lot of stigma about meds and people often say "it's my last resort" but I thinking, thinking needs to change on that. For many people it should be the first thing they try. If you've gotten to the point of feeling suicidal frequently, than there's a definite chance of a chemical imbalance that only meds can fix.

You do what you feel is right, but don't feel like you're caving or somehow not strong or losing if you try meds. Your doctor can help you decide what meds might be best for you. I liked Elavil because the side effects were low and actually beneficial to everything else I was dealing with. I would wake up and wonder "is this what normal people feel like?" that knawing constant ache of blackness was just gone. And bad things didnt feel like the end of the world anymore. I felt calmer, was more rested, and it helped with physical pain which made life a lot easier. I know had I not taken meds, I dont believe my therapy or anything else would of been as effective because I would of been wrestling so much more.

For most people, no one thing is going to fix it. it's typically a combination. Meds, therapy, life style changes etc. The problem with basing your healing plan on one thing like your mermaiding, is that the one thing will let you down. something will go wrong or bad and then your support system you've set up is suddenly crushed underneath you and you're vulnerable. So great if mermaiding and making tails makes you happy and helps you cope- but it's much better to spread it out among many things/supports to take the brunt of the weight.

It's always good to find out what the root of your depression is. For me it was more circumstantial (circumstances I was in that could and did eventually change) along with a side effect of being burnt out from chronic illness and pain. Once I changed my circumstances and addressed my chronic pain and illness the depression evaporated. I still have bad days like anyone else, but it's greatly different. My type of depression was more superficially on the surface. if you're experiencing depression due to a chemical imbalance or from PTSD (which can cause a chemical imbalance) you may have to go deeper.

Best of luck to you. it's not an easy thing to cope with. I guess if you walk away with anything I hope you'll consider being open to meds if your current plan doesn't provide you with enough support. There's nothing wrong with taking meds, it doesnt make you weak, and they don't have to be a last resort. When we make them a last resort, we often increase and prolong our suffering pointlessly. No need to make yourself a martyr.

Edit: ps meds can work differently across the board. I knew it was time to stop Elavil when it made me feel in a haze. but for a whole year I felt fine. It all has to do with your chemicals and how the meds balance them. Just because one doesnt feel right doesnt mean another wont. There are several families of anti depressants and they all gear toward different things.

[Morticia Mermaid]

The depression I deal with is genetic. I believe stemming from dystimia (not sure on the spelling)

[AniaR]

in that case I hope you'll be open to meds in the future if you don't feel you have enough support from your current plan. I don't know anyone who is able to combat genetic depression without the support of meds at least for some times in their life- and that data heavily correlates that meds have a better success rate than anything else for those genetically predisposed. Best of luck in whatever you choose do to.

[Mermaid Lorelei]

I have genetic depression as well. I have found great success with meds, but they are in tandem with diet change, lifestyle change, and some therapeutic techniques. I find I have the best response when I use all of them in tandem.

[Morticia Mermaid]

Thank you everyone for the positive support so far. It really means a lot.

The reason I'm not too keen on trying meds is because the prescriptions meds I've tried already I either threw an allergic reaction or didn't like how they made me feel. So I've done what I can to avoid it by doing what makes me feel better.

[Mermaid Octavia]

/hugs Morti

I have genetic depression as well, going back 3 generations and I can only handle it with medication and regular trips to the therapist, regardless of my lifestyle, location and diet.

I think Morti's memoir would do wonders for the stigma surrounding mental illness and I think it's a fantastic idea! I know I'd buy a copy and drive down to see you and have it signed. n_n

[Morticia Mermaid]

Thank you again everyone. The positive support is seriously appreciated.

I've been working on my story line the last few days, breaking it down into smaller sections to make it easier (specially if I'm having a hard time working on a certain section). So far I've got-

Where it (the depression) started
How I first dealt with it
How I initially felt about being on meds
The ups and downs
The bad thoughts
How I feel about meds now
How I'm dealing with it now (i.e. What I'm doing besides meds to make me feel better. This will be more than just mermaiding. Yes, mermaiding plays a rather large role in my healing system, and my doctor says that is fine, but there is a wide variety of things I do that make me feel better. Mainly having to deal with being creative)
And How I don't let my depression dictate my life

I will be expanding on these and adding more, this is just what I have so far. Much like talking about depression, writing about it is just as hard if not harder because its permanently out there. Discussions fade, so does ink but it takes longer (and it can be reprinted). But, in all honesty, writing about it actually makes part of me feel better. And know that I'm not the only one going through it helps a lot too. I hope people will be able to take this and read it, and have it help them too. So they know they aren't the only ones and that it's ok.

If anyone has any suggestions for sections to add in addition to these, please feel free to share them. I am open to suggestions :)