Heartbroken

[Stede Bonnet]

I originally wrote and deleted this post several times over the course of a few days about a month ago, but I decided at that time to discuss it with only a few closely trusted individuals. As I realized the other day that another member of the mermaid community has unfriended me on Facebook, the subject began to eat away at me again.... So here it is:

I genuinely hope that all is well with each of you.

Given that my presence on MerNetwork over the course of the past year has been basically non-existent, it might be in bad taste for me to come here to share this story. It might be in bad taste for other reasons too. I don't know.

This is directed more at the ladies in the community, specifically the adults, but everyone may benefit from some of my thoughts.

Let's get a couple of things out of the way:
I don't take your money with empty promises.
I don't get your hopes up with empty promises.
I don't comment things like "nice tail ;) " or comment on your clamshell bras.
I don't make comments on your fan pages - or anyone else's fan pages, for that matter - about having intimate physical interaction with you.

My involvement with the mermaid community started with Weeki Wachee Springs, Hannah Fraser, and Linden Wolbert. It exploded from there, and I would like to think that some of us have developed genuine friendships.

I'm also going to admit to something: I find some of you attractive, and my belief/ justification for that is that it is a natural human reaction. That actually has no relevance at all to my larger point and might even be counterproductive, but it is the truth. The only other thing that I have to say on that matter for now is to clarify that I don't have some sort of fish fetish or something.

All of this is prelude to the fact that I feel confused and very sad, almost to the point of being betrayed.

A few weeks ago (actually a couple of months ago now), a member of the mermaid community shared a hashtagged photo of one of her friends in full fins on a social media network. The human alter ego commented with her thanks and appreciation for the recognition.

I am a naturally curious person and, when I see a link, chances are quite likely that I will click on it. It really doesn't matter what the subject matter is - adult men and women, organizations, events, what have you. My belief is that this is how we learn about things, make new friends, develop new interests, et cetera.

So I clicked on the young lady's link and found content that stirred my soul to its very core. The content was consistently so sad, so disturbing, that it made me want to cry. I am a 43-year-old man, and I looked at the content with helplessness, feeling as though it was a cry for help that I could never answer.

I did not seek out this individual. I did not want to pursue some sort of relationship of any sort with her, knowing that even an offer of consolation could very easily be misinterpreted as having another agenda.

To put it bluntly, I didn't want anyone even to THINK that my caring was in exchange for an ulterior, inappropriate, motive.

I clicked on a link.

Then, for a few weeks, I did nothing, but I have always said "Knowledge is power. It is also a responsibility," so I took a moment to contact the mermaid who posted the aforementioned "hashtagged photo of one of her friends." I thanked the mermaid for all that she shares on various social media platforms, expressed that I looked forward to the possibility of one day meeting her in person, or in mer-son, and explained my natural link-clicking curiosity, as well as my acknowledgement of the fact that there might be a smell of something untoward about my knowledge of the hashtagged mermaid and her human alter ego. I expressed that the content that this young woman shared was so consistently disturbing that it was apparent to me that it was neither a passing feeling nor a thought experiment. Finally, I wished everyone well.

The response that I received was shocking. Unfortunately, I can't use the exact wording, but I was told not to contact the mermaid who posted the photo, or her employees, partners, or associates.

I do not fully understand who that is supposed to involve. All of you by extension? What kind of nonsense is it that I should express concern and then not only be told "leave me alone," but "leave everybody I know alone too."

This hurts. It has already led to the loss of at least one friend (now at least two), and who knows what will happen next? Is this going to be a pro-Matthew/ anti-Matthew thing, like with the MerTailor?

I am slowly being hollowed out by this.

I liked you. You shared a photo. The subject individual commented on it. I clicked on a link, saw some disturbing content, and expressed my sadness and concern. I did not contact the subject individual directly or express intent to commit inappropriate acts. You replied with fury.

This just seems like a real slap in the face.

Excluding someone who cares does not mean that the problem has gone away. It just means that there is one less voice to call for help, one less voice to say "I will listen," one less voice to say "I believe in you."

One less voice to say "I care."

~~~~~

If the content had been of a young woman parading around in revealing clothing, I can fully understand why someone would take issue with my awareness of it. Can you imagine getting a message that said "I saw your friend in the tiny bikini, and it bothered me. It bothered me so much so, in fact, that I continued to go back to her page and look as she posted similar photos on a daily basis."

Obviously, that would be repulsive. The content was so consistently heartwrenching that I felt that silence served not to accept somehow but to ignore, to devalue.

I am so sorry and deeply saddened.

~Matthew

[Seatan]

...Matthew, I don't know you, or who you are, so as someone who has no idea what instance you are referring to, I think it might be better for you to go ahead and work through this with your close friends. The post above doesn't really share any light about your problem at all to people who don't know the situation or you, and no one is going to be able to give you real comfort or advice based on vague details alone. I am very sorry you were hurt online--I have been attacked online before without provocation, and it SUCKS--and hope you feel better, but I don't think this post is going to help you in the way you need as it really just raises more questions than it answers and leaves those out of the loop unsure how to respond or even what you want in response. Those kinds of posts often just lead to more pain as people interpret the information in different ways without fully understanding the situation, and it would suck to be hurt even worse due to misunderstandings.

I sincerely hope you feel better soon.

[AniaR]

I actually encouraged Matthew to post here. He has been a supporter of mine for almost as long as I have been a mermaid. He has contributed to some of the content on mernetwork including the fb index. I was upset to see him labelled essentially a mervert and excluded from a community that he helped create.

I think it is important he post here so people don't get hate happy against men who support the community. And honestly having been burned I think he deserves some validation that no, we don't all agree with that mermaids reaction.

People post loads of personal issues on mernetwork. This one actually includes the community.

Matthew you already know my thoughts on the matter. I hope you get more ideas from people here.

[Seatan]

Well in that case, he should go ahead. :) I was just worried that he might get some negative responses because the post is not very clear on what actually happened (I did not even understand from it that he had been accused of being a "mervert") and I know people online can get really defensive about issues regarding women and pictures. I hate it when people are seeking comfort and instead they get ripped apart by people who don't understand the situation, and I unfortunately see it a lot online. Once again, I hope you feel better Matthew--just remember, people are just vicious online sometimes. Like I said, I have been attacked for no reason in online communities before and it is really a terrible experience. My heart goes out to you.

[Ashley]

Matthew from what it sounds like you are a good man trying to let someone know you cared about a certain post. I know you are hurt and saddened by another's actions, which they probably took to far, but from what it sounded like though was a big problem with miscommunication. Like Seavanna the post doesn't include a lot of information so she is kinda right for the people that were left out of the loop. If this is what that is though (miscommunication) this possible could of been handled by talking about it, yes i know the mermaid in question said don't speak with anyone she knows but if you would have waited until the situation defused then sent a message later not expecting reply then it may have helped. But, in the long run some women/ men when things are typed over the web/text or anything that could be read really can be be taken wrong. Thats why I personally hate texting because certain words or phrases can be taken so wrong and when people have seen that and feel like they are being attacked they will retaliate and try to defend themself. This could be the case in this situation, just some people go all out and will hurt people in the process kinda like a bomb. I, myself has done this and later on after everything was calm an me and the other person talked about it everything was alright or at least settled. You aren't the only victim of this, it happens to everyone and I am so sorry it happened to you especially to that extent to someone trying to ruin a good reputation that you built in the mer-communtity. Hopefully that mermaid will see this post and see that they may have over reacted and apologize. Good luck Matthew, I hope everything works out in the long run.

[Mermaid Lily_Pad]

I agree with the ladies, and I trust Raina...if she says you're a good guy. Then you are a good guy.
That being said, I have run a forum with 2000+ adult members for the last 5 years or so in a different genre. At times I have been the only mod of those 2000 members. LOL, one thing I can tell you for certain...people have a tendency to take things a weeeee bit far in the "I am OFFENDED!" Category then they would if whatever happened, happened in real life and not online. When you cannot hear a persons vocal inflections, ...what may have been intended to sound "concerned" by you...could have been taken completely different by another depending on their own history with people on the internet. One of my own biggest issues was that I am a stickler on my forums. I am not afraid to put someone in their place, even if that person is someone I care about. I have a tendency to be labeled a B**CH, and for people to think I am favoring others in the game that I play. That is the reason for the message board...I have had people refuse to talk to me simply because they thought I would be this horrid person. It isn't until they mistakenly talk to me without realizing who I am, or they PM me screaming obscenities and I approach them as the person I am..understanding, and empathetic...then all the sudden it is "OMG you're so nice! I totally had you wrong!"...

My point is, some people just take shit said the wrong way because when you get down to it...none of us really truly "knows" anyone else. We know peoples mersonas...we knows they have a love of something that we have a love of as well, but we don't really know who is on the other side of that comp.

One more thing. Sometimes when something bad happens...like with you...it feels like the ENTIRE world is watching you, hating you, misunderstanding you. It can make a person feel sad, and overwhelmed, and afraid to really come back even if they have done nothing wrong...but I can tell you this...Unless you have committed a known crime and ended up on the news for it, I won't judge you...and I am pretty sure no one else here will either. I judge people from MY experience with them, not from what other people may say. I think the majority of those here are the same.

If you were truly a bad guy...their would be a lot more ladies letting people know here, and this is the first time I have heard of you sooooo..."HI! I am FableCat, AKA FableCatfish, AKA, soon to be Lily_Pad and hopeful one day owner of a mermaid tail!...Nice to meet you!"

[AniaR]

I know I have corrected people before because they've called Matthew a "collector" which is usually used as a derogatory term against men who likes all the mermaid pages (but apparently it doesnt apply to women?) I am really against the merverts and I'd say there are guys here on the forum that I have felt toed the line and some I even met in person, while Matthew makes a huge effort to stay away from the line. Also it's quite unfourtunante that the news anchor who bashed mermaids/mermen back in NC has the exact same name. People have brought him up and I see people confuse him for this Matthew.

[Mermaid Lily_Pad]

A news anchor bashed mers?

[Stede Bonnet]

Thank you for your friendship and your support, Raina.

Fablecat, it is a pleasure to meet you! About the news anchor bashing mers, please check out Mermaid Hannah Burgess - Nova Sirène the Virginia Mermaid's link to the news story here, along with her comments: https://www.facebook.com/TheMermaidHannahBurgess/posts/10151993000922886

On the off-chance that does not work, the direct link is here: http://www.wncn.com/story/24356434/real-talk-mermaids-raleigh-times-porsche-and-girl-scouts

Note that the anchor's name is M(ike) Morse, and that mine is M(atthew) Morse. As I listened to his words again, having first heard them in January, they burned in my ears. His commentary on the event, and particularly about the men who participated in it, went beyond morning talk show tomfoolery and became mockery. I didn't just hear "mermaid" though. I also heard "Doctor Who" or "Dungeons and Dragons" or whatever interest it was/ is that I enjoy that other people don't share. As NC Merfest 2015 approaches, it might be a concern for the organizers to address this with WNCN. It might not. I don't know.

Seavanna and Ashley, please forgive me for whatever misgivings my post may have caused you, both about its content or about myself. As you can see, I skew toward the verbose. It appears as though my point, once again ironically, may have been lost in the words.

In the final analysis, the mermaid in question is in real life an adult woman, and I take no issue whatsoever with her asking me to disassociate myself with her. I can't get my wording to gel on this point briefly, so let's agree on #YesAllWomen. I respect her as a woman, as a human being, and as a mermaid to leave her alone, as she wishes. The fact is though, this was never about me or the her. It was about the friend's posts that I perceived as cries - shouts - for help.

My mentioning it here is not therefore an attempt to poke a stick at things, but to comment on the ripple effect, which is that (it seems) others are stepping away from me because of this. Fablecat, your comment that "it feels like the ENTIRE world is watching you" is very accurate. Maybe those other people have just coincidentally lost interest in being my friend. I don't know.

I'm just sad about the whole thing.

[Ashley]

My mentioning it here is not therefore an attempt to poke a stick at things, but to comment on the ripple effect, which is that (it seems) others are stepping away from me because of this. Fablecat, your comment that "it feels like the ENTIRE world is watching you" is very accurate. Maybe those other people have just coincidentally lost interest in being my friend. I don't know.

I'm just sad about the whole thing.


^
This is directed to this part of your post.




Hey it happens in loosing friends; sometimes that just means that they just weren't meant to be in your life that long and they were only meant for a certain purpose. I know how you feel in loosing a friend, I had a best friend for ages and one day she just wouldn't talk to me anymore. I had no idea what I did or anything. I tried texting calling and she wouldn't answer, does it bug me; yes but there is a reason for her not being in my life anymore. She was there for me when I needed her and that's what matters the most, because that purpose was fulfilled. So, if you just try and think of it like that it may help because that is what has helped me. There will always be those people that are supposed to be in your life forever and there are those who are supposed to just past through like the wind because life is always changing and we are always changing. So don't let it bother you, maybe it is just a new time that someone else is supposed to come into your life to fulfill something that your life needs at this current moment that those people couldn't offer. Does it hurt, of coarse it will especially how it was handled. It's that time for your new chapter, reach and love people even the ones that have hurt you. It will be hard but we are all so strong so I know you can do it! And try not to feel that way "the entire world is watching you" people who love you for who you are and what you are trying to do are your true friends. Poo on the world if you feel like they judging you, brush your shoulders off and ignore it all because not one person in this world should judge anyone, not one because everyone's slate isn't all that clean and perfect; if they say it is then they are loosing their mind. If they are judging you, they don't need to be your friends anyway. You have those true friends and that's all you need. Hell I have no idea who you are but we are friends! Also, Raina is a good friend because she didn't allow others to influence her judgment and you need more people like that, not someone that is will to listen to someone else and follow them because they are so naïve and believe in hear say. So, look for more people like Raina; I don't know her but from what I have read on her posts and stuff she seems like a good person and helpful! Everything does work out in the long run, just try to look forward to that future sweetheart and everything will be ok. Past is the past for a reason and this is in your past now. Good Luck with everything and try not to be sad by it because it will keep eating at you, so just take a deep breath and realize there are people out there that do love you and that is the only thing in the world that matters; well besides mermaids of coarse!




~Ashley~

[NerineArcticMermaid]

@Matthew *hugs* I dunno what exactly happened but I know you're a good guy. :) true friends will always stick by you. Don't fret about it. you got hundreds of the rest of us to be friends with. ;)

[Winged Mermaid]

I'm sorry this happened to you. I think you're a great guy! From how you described it, I think you were just caught up in a situation where it wasn't your fault, and honestly I don't think it has anything to really do with you. What I mean is, it sounds like you happened upon a young woman with some serious issues, and her friend didn't like that you so happened to link her friend's mer-personality to her friend's human personality. Obviously which had some very personal expressions that she doesn't want others to link with her mersona. I know you just wanted to help, and obviously deeply concerned. But chances are, whatever drove her to post those disturbing things (depression, trauma, life circumstances, who knows- could be one or several of a million things) she doesn't want to talk about it with strangers, and her friend felt the need to attack you so thoroughly that you wouldn't consider contacting her friend about it. I think anyone who would have made that connection, and then asked her about it like that, would have been told off the same as you. I don't think it was any issue with you as a person. However that doesn't really make it any less painful :/

I personally want to say THANK YOU. Everyone has their issues, and everyone has their low points in life. Sometimes people just need to vent and express somewhere- but obviously if you could see it by clicking a link (no security via social networking settings) she wanted or was at least okay with people seeing her express that side of herself. Sometimes a stranger on the internet reaching out just to give a kind word, or ask if they're okay- well, sometimes that's all it takes to save someone's life. So thank you, for being kind and sensitive to those around you, and being brave enough to actually say something. It sucks so much that you got a kick in the teeth for just being caring and worried about someone. But as I said, that is on THEM, and not you. Don't let it change who you are- we need more good people like you in the world :)

[AniaR]

Yeah I agree with Iona. I would of done the same thing Matthew. IN fact, in Canada because of my training I am legally obligated to do something. And even though they all made a huge fuss- you may have saved someone's life.

[SeaGlass Siren]

^ that part is true. It's legal.

[Chrissy]

I don't think you were wrong for saying anything, you seem likely have a wonderful heart and their are so many people who have your back on here. Count me in as one too. I am with Iona and Raina and did what you felt was right and sadly seems to be misinterpreted and I am truley sorry for that. Everyone has low points and it is nice to know,there is someone out there who cares! You keep doing what your doing and don't let anyone tell you different! I am glad to get to,know you and love your support of the the mer-community!
And that news anchor...........well I can't say what I want to say about him, but just know it is a lot of @*%#{}$&@!

[Stede Bonnet]

Thank you all so much for your kindness.

[Theta]

I'm late to the party (as usual, I should make a tshirt or something haha) but I just wanted to chime in and say that I've never found you to be anything other than gentlemanly and interested in mermaids. I'm sorry someone misconstrued that. I think everyone has made very good points, but I just wanted to raise my hand and let you know that I'm firmly in your corner, dude. I think you're great.

[Echidna]

I'm sorry this happened to you.
Some people however are offended by anything and are impossible to please.
it is best not to take that personally.

as you can see, many mers here know and like you :)
I think we're friends on FB too, at least your name sounds familiar, but I have a hard time telling the land people apart :D

I usually welcome all comments or talk (only those who consistently ask for tails are a bit annoying...), in fact, social interaction is the whole point there, I hope you won't get too discouraged from this experience.