Mer-community Pressure

[AniaR]

“We live in an age where we feel guilt whenever we have to cut someone off but the reality is that some relationships do need to die, some people do need to be unfollowed and defriended. We aren’t meant to be this tethered to the people in our past. The Internet mandates that we don’t burn bridges and keep everyone around like relics but those expectations are unrealistic and unhealthy. Simply put, we don’t need to know what everyone else is up to. We’re allowed to be choosy about who we surround ourselves with online and in real life, even if it might hurt people’s feelings.”
— Ryan O’Connell, You Don’t Have To Be Friends With Everybody

I am using this quote to illustrate something I think has become a problem for some of us longer term mermaids. Some people feel run off the internet and you'll find a lot of the higher up mers don't engage with people very often. I think this is why.

I started an experiment this year as I'd written in another thread. I deleted the majority of mer community people off my FB page, and made a separate Raina Mer facebook page specifically for mer friends. I felt very suffocated on my personal FB and forced into friendships I didn't want. I couldn't log on without being bombarded with messages. So I made a big heartfelt post, waited a week to be sure people had time to read it, culled my friends list, and started the new page.

The results were really negative. People I barely knew were freaking out. One person in particular sent me a good 6 nasty messages that almost came off stalker like to me. I didn't know this person in the slightest. Our message history showed the only time they spoke to me (which wasn't often) was when they wanted something from me. I didn't understand why this person felt entitled to my time, and why they thought it was okay to freak out at my personal boundary. Their behaviour became so uncomfortable to me I had to block them.

Another few mermaids got super upset that they "didn't make the cut" for who I had kept on my PERSONAL page. I didnt feel like I should have to justify to anyone, when I already made other arrangements for people to contact me (more on my own terms) and had already spilled my guts about why I needed this boundary.

When I went over to the new page the inbox was bursting with messages. To this day out of 100s I think only 5 were normal messages. Like talking to me about legit social stuff, or just being kind in general. The rest were all harassing me for stuff, demanding stuff, being rude and getting huffy if I didnt respond, sending me drama and more. It really put things in perspective.

I know people will say "price of popularity" but I have found the mercommunity to be like this since I joined it years ago. Mers are few and far between so everyone wants to stick together. At first I tried to make friends with everyone but I just couldnt handle it.

Now that I am more focused on actually running my business, I find myself suffocated at time. Occasionally on twitter or instagram or tumblr I'll end up removing a mermaid without any drama or rudeness just because they are filling up my feed and I can't see anyone else, and or they're tagging me constantly in stuff which blows up my notifications. I miss a lot of legit communication because of people just being fans which is fine. But I think it's my right to stop someone if it's too much for me.

I just wanted to share this quote because I feel like it puts into words exactly how I've felt about it all. No one mer is entitled to another mers attention. If I give help to the community that's great, but it doesn't mean people are entitled to it you know? Like, Pearlie does this amazing tutorial but it doesnt mean people can demand info out of her and expect her to do all the leg work on a tail etc or expect her to just give out info 24.7 when it's all there for anyone to read. I have had to deal with more rudeness than politeness. More demanding than thankfulness. it's actually the whole reason I wrote my first book because I couldn't take it.

I like mernetwork because I can respond when I want to. When I have time. But sometimes I have to turn off the PMing because people flood me with stuff that would take them 2 seconds to find if they used the search bar. You wouldn't believe how many new members come right to me before even posting lol.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is even those of us who like to help and are social people, need boundaries, and people shouldn't take it personally. I can't be friends with everyone and be with everyone the way I am with people like Iona or Raven whom I've known for years. I try to be friendly with everyone but if people cross my boundaries I just remove them. It doesnt have to be a big stinking deal. I blocked another mermaid on a social media account SIX MONTHS AGO. And she only just noticed, and is telling it to everyone who will listen like I am some big bad awful mermaid for blocking her. I dont even know her. She was just constantly clogging up my feed and posting irrelevant stuff on my stuff and tagging me. Instead of arguing with her I thought, why bother? Just remove someone and move on.
I ranted about this on my page too but yeah. It shouldnt be news if I choose not to respond to someone you know?

I really love the community but I find it so overwhelming at times and often make myself take breaks. I like being helpful but I've already been helpful. I've written a book, a bajillion FAQs, I've made videos. It be nice if people went to that or posted on the forum before tracking me down and then getting mad when I'm too busy having a life to respond :p

There's no real point to this other than I want to show (while attempting to NOT sound vain) that those of us who are a little more well known arent here for everyone's needs and enjoyment. We're people with our own lives, aspirations, responsibilities, and boundaries. If you cant respect a boundary, dont be surprised if you dont get my attention (or anyone else). I dont even think you need to be well known though. I know you all feel it when the little pre-teens start driving you nuts on social networking. Imagine that from adults times 1000 with a lot of attitude thrown in and that's what I get :p

I'm really appreciate of all everyone has ever done in this community to help me. But I am also really appreciative when people back off a bit and ask me "how's your day" instead of "solve this____ tell me how to do _____ where can I find ______ did you hear about drama with ______" catch my drift? lol

[SeaGlass Siren]

i dont understand how people can be so clingy to a person through a computer monitor :\ like helloo they don't know you personally and probably have better things to do with their lives. jesus...

[AniaR]

I think it's one thing if I actually do give a person a lot of attention but I've had people I've never spoken to flip shit

[SeaGlass Siren]

even still that's a little obsessive yknow?? i had a girl whom i havent spoken to in years contact me to flip shit on me "why did u remove me from your facebook?"
SMH like hello i dont talk to you!!

[Chrissy]

I understand where you are coming from. I was a part of a horse forum and was on there for years and the amount of attention and messages and questions got to over bearing for me. I just stopped going to the page, I stalk it a bit every now and then, but not much. I don't understand either how someone that has typed to me through a forum can claim that we are almost best friends. It gets a bit creepy and I agree sometimes it would have been nice to hear "how are you" "how is your horse" instead I got tons of you need to do this and my trainer said this, and how can i fix this or that?
So you know what? Raina, how is your day? How is your mini vacay starting out?! And Thank you, can't wait for your next book!

[Mermaid Galene]

It's easy on social networks to forget that real friendship is a two way street. And even casual friendships have to be equal parts give and take, if they are to flourish. The internet makes it very easy to forget this. Sadly, I fear that many young people rely primarily on online "relationships" for their social education and satisfaction, which is entirely unhealthy. Only people who have real, face to face, in the flesh (or fin) human interactions learn how to BE in a relationship.

Thanks, Raina, for reminding everyone of this.

[Echidna]

ah, the modern world.
Back in my days, writing a letter was done by hand, it sometimes took months to arrive, depending on the speed of the postal ship!

Galene makes an excellent point as to why some people in social networks seem not to know boundaries:
there might be an ever increasing number of persons (of any age) that do not have any interaction outside of the internet.
Also, seemingly FB becomes more and more THE place to socialize for younger people.

I've no idea how growing up in a networking world is like, but I imagine the development of "real" social skills might even be more lacking than before.

[coral_sybil]

This is outside the mercommunity. But the fiance had a friend over the other week and the guy was just buggin almost all week long. And I come to find out it's cause he didn't know what he did to insult me and had realized he and I weren't friends anymore on FB. He thought he did something to offend me on the first day there and spent the rest of the time being paranoid.

The funny thing was. The last time I cleaned my friendlist was a few months prior. Removing people I knew solely from a group I had left because of DRAMA. And a few who I honestly didn't know where I knew them from because they. NEVER. talked. to me.

I laughed at it and said I should be the one insulted cause if we were friends once upon a time, and I was the one who removed him, it took this long for him to figure it out. But even now, with my roommates looking at him and offering our soon freed up room to him. He's looking at me like I'm a bully who is trying to hurt him because he did something wrong to hurt me and he just can't figure out what it is.

I keep telling everyone that I honest don't even remember being friends with him. It's causing drama online and in my home.

I swear sometimes being online is just another way for professional victims to cry wolf.

[SeaGlass Siren]

^ this.

[Winged Mermaid]

I feel you. I've had quite a few people get upset with me because I wouldn't add them on my personal FB or because I removed them, or because I wouldn't follow them on Instagram or whatever. All of my inboxes get flooded on a regular basis with people asking info (and a lot of them get very rude and demanding, even when I tell them I don't know the answer) and because of that I miss out on a lot of legit messages. I've just kind of stepped back from interacting so much cause it became overwhelming.

[shimmygoddess]

I have only recently started to weed out my friends list more regularly. I even posted somewhere in my about me, who I will accept as a friend. I really wish I could set up different profiles for all my hobbies, but I have a hard enough time managing all my pages and groups, I dont think I could do with more profiles too. Some people just feel entitled. It is sad. I honestly don't understand why someone would request or be upset if you dont accept them on your personal page? Thats what your mermaid page is for? ...sigh.... haters!