Trying to Evade Family

[MermanJamie]

Ok, so now that I am back on the community, hopefully for a while, people will know that I have made many threads about coming out, how scary it has been. Long story short, someone who is kinda like family to me is an incredibly conservative Christian, and says I'm the "last good child", due to my sister being bisexual, and my brother being kind of a trainwreck. I just don't want to disappoint her, especially because I've been the perfect baby of my family for years, and I just don't think she'll get me finding myself. This has created fear for me, even with the rest of my family.

Anyway, since this woman has been my longtime housekeeper and nanny, even since long before I was born, she is constantly around my room, and has even looked around my computer before.

So, long story short, I've been poking around the Internet, looking for Merfolk books, and I've found one or two that really interest me. However, if I buy them and she finds them, she will flip out on me, I will be forced to confess, and everything will quickly escalate and turn horrible. If I buy them on my iPad, my father will know. My Apple ID and my credit card are both connected to his, because I really don't have all that much money saved up myself. So, while I am really intrigued, and would love to find some good books, I am not even sure if it is worth it anymore. I don't want to start a big thing with my family.

While I have gotten support from people in the past about coming out, it just doesn't connect for me to say some people online are being nice and encouraging me, so I am now brave enough to tell my family. I would have support over a screen, but still be standing alone against a brother, sister, father, and my nanny/housekeeper, along with my entire extended family. I just wish I had someone in real life to help me with this. I know it might seem weird to my family: "Oh, look, James found some sketchy friends online who like to dress up as mermaids!" But, the reason why I ask is that everyone else in the community seems to be so fearless about coming out. I honestly feel like one of the least brave people in the community. I just might feel comfortable with a brave friend by my side.

[Mermaid Kane]

I really can't speak for your family, as I do not know them, but, at least for me it wasn't a ''coming out''. I just showed them videos and told them I'd love to be involved and they were cool.

I'm not understanding why they'd be upset? My fam is hardcore conserv Christians as well.

[Ransom]

Not sure what we can advise that hasn't already been said? Heck, my own beliefs would get me rated hardcore Christian conservative but I've no problem with being a mer at heart. I'm not sure if your family even expects 'perfection' -- maybe they're just wary what you're doing?

Two options come to mind -- bury it like I did (doable but maybe not advisable) or take Kane's advice and slowly introduce them to it via video.

[Rebela Hunter]

I agree with what everyone else has said! I, also, have a hardcore Conservative Christian parent that, if you were to show him a Pokemon card, he'd flip out and burn it

Honestly, I view it as a sport or hobby. It's nothing like a coming out - to me, at least.
I told my parent about how much I enjoyed the thought of swimming like that and maybe doing something more with my life than sitting behind a computer, and his only concern was safety, which my fiance helped me explain to him. Of course, I'm not a real fish-human hybrid, nor would I ever claim to be that, so he saw no problem with it.
Keep in mind that I, also, am the last remaining perfect child in my family, as my only full-blood brother turned to selling and using drugs, alcohol, smoking, and illegal activities. Honestly, flipping about in a mermaid tail is not as destructive as all that

Just bring it up casually! Don't make it a big deal and that could possibly keep your family calm. Show them it's nothing to be upset over!
Maybe something like:
"Isn't this cool? They make tails of art and swim in them for fun and exercise!"

That's just my two cents, though <3
I hope this helps!

[MermaidLiara]

Maybe you can start with a monofin only? A monofin is great for exercise, you use every muscle between rib cage and ankle .

This will give your family some time to get used to you swimming like that. After a while, you can add a fabric tail.

Also... it's better to regret the things you DID do, than the things you regret NOT doing.

[Novello]

Ok, so now that I am back on the community, hopefully for a while, people will know that I have made many threads about coming out, how scary it has been... just don't want to disappoint... don't think she'll get me finding myself. This has created fear for me, even with the rest of my family.

Amen. I've never related to something on this forum as strongly as this.
Growing up in a heavy Christian Afrikaans household it is also always the big secret of a guy that likes mermaids. (gasp!)

I think I understand why your family might feel that way if you look at it from their view point, Jamie. They might still be from an older generation and not familiar with these types of things as of yet. What I'm trying to imply is they are maybe still stuck in the ideology of gender based differences. They still believe its natural for boys to like cars (generally 'manly') and for girls to like dolls and 'mermaids' (generally 'feminine') due to their generations culture. So something like a guy liking merfolk (which most of the older generations still compare to the myth of femininity) might seem 'unnatural' or unusual and not understandable from their perspective.
Heck, my folks sent me for psychological 'help' since they thought my strong interest in merfolk was an 'early sign of homosexual tendencies'
They strongly 'encourage' me to suppress it and I still live with this fear of them being disappointed in me every day. But I chose to look beyond that to find a happier me.

My philosophy is simple, they are never going to be me for me, the only truly happy me is me (thats allot of 'me' but I promise Im not selfish)

Ultimately, I don't know your home setting and just trying to give some of my personal advice, no matter how revolutionary or simple it might be to you. Hope it helps tho!

[mermaidkitpesem]

When I came out to my mom, I already had m tail for a month. So I brought it in a duffle bag and set it on the table and told her to open it. She is very religious, too. I was terrified! But she was worried about my safety more than anything. But now she tells me I should get business cards made and I should be out there more. She does laugh when we talk about it, but she is trying to be supportive the best she can.
It is scary. But if you care so much about this person, and they care about you, you being happy should be enough.

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[Ransom]

When I came out to my mom, I already had m tail for a month. So I brought it in a duffle bag and set it on the table and told her to open it. She is very religious, too. I was terrified! But she was worried about my safety more than anything. But now she tells me I should get business cards made and I should be out there more. She does laugh when we talk about it, but she is trying to be supportive the best she can.
It is scary. But if you care so much about this person, and they care about you, you being happy should be enough.

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Great reveal Kita, maybe one day I'LL try that! It's been 2 years since I got my Magictails, and to this day none of my family knows what they are

[Mermaid Kane]

I agree with what everyone else has said! I, also, have a hardcore Conservative Christian parent that, if you were to show him a Pokemon card, he'd flip out and burn it

Oh goodness, same here. xD

[Aquos Savar]

Jamie, you remind me of someone...you remind me of myself. Like yourself, i entered mermaiding at 14, got my tail thanks to a deal with the devil (Ex-friend who got it for me) at 15, and i've started swimming in nighttime around the docks in the villa complex where i have a beach house. It was a living hell, and it still is to this day.

No one in my family knows (Except my brother, who knows i like mermaids and thinks it's weird, but he never told my parents cause he knows all hell would break loose. He doesn't know i have a tail.), certain friends know and act indiferent to it. Overall, i get lo live my dream at the backs of everyone i know. There was even a time when, while swimming underwater, one of the lifeguards caught a glimpse of me swimming underwater, and said he saw a mermaid (Yes, the female equivalent xD)...he was fired 6 months later (Maybe cause he called me "Little mermaid" everytime he saw me and that disgusted the manager? whatever.



There are two things you can do:

- Live the secret life of merfolk: Swim secretly, hide your tail, make it your second identity. You'll have your wish, nobody will know, and nobody will care. Your life will remain normal. ( I know this, cause that's my mer-life right now)

- Be open about it: Tell your family and friends, start swimming in public, act interested in the topic. You'll have your wish, but you might be treated differently. People might look at you funny at the pool, might call you gay, people might laugh, but if your wish is to be merfolk, you'll learn to ignore it, and they'll learn to accept it. I can't be so sure about your parents, they might rip your tail (Like they ripped my mersona drawing back when i was 9)

Whichever you choose, your dream will still be in your mind. Your parents will still love you, cause they gave birth to you (Even when they don't seem like they love you, they still do).

I wish there was more i could do. There was a time where i thought about making a "Coming out" video, where i wrote a note, several people from the community read it, and they i would stitch a video together, where i would showing my parents the perks of mermaiding, and how is not something to be weirded out by. I still wish i could do that, but i would need 20 volunteers to help me.

Anyway, good luck.

[MermanJamie]

Jamie, you remind me of someone...you remind me of myself. Like yourself, i entered mermaiding at 14, got my tail thanks to a deal with the devil (Ex-friend who got it for me) at 15, and i've started swimming in nighttime around the docks in the villa complex where i have a beach house. It was a living hell, and it still is to this day.

No one in my family knows (Except my brother, who knows i like mermaids and thinks it's weird, but he never told my parents cause he knows all hell would break loose. He doesn't know i have a tail.), certain friends know and act indiferent to it. Overall, i get lo live my dream at the backs of everyone i know. There was even a time when, while swimming underwater, one of the lifeguards caught a glimpse of me swimming underwater, and said he saw a mermaid (Yes, the female equivalent xD)...he was fired 6 months later (Maybe cause he called me "Little mermaid" everytime he saw me and that disgusted the manager? whatever.



There are two things you can do:

- Live the secret life of merfolk: Swim secretly, hide your tail, make it your second identity. You'll have your wish, nobody will know, and nobody will care. Your life will remain normal. ( I know this, cause that's my mer-life right now)

- Be open about it: Tell your family and friends, start swimming in public, act interested in the topic. You'll have your wish, but you might be treated differently. People might look at you funny at the pool, might call you gay, people might laugh, but if your wish is to be merfolk, you'll learn to ignore it, and they'll learn to accept it. I can't be so sure about your parents, they might rip your tail (Like they ripped my mersona drawing back when i was 9)

Whichever you choose, your dream will still be in your mind. Your parents will still love you, cause they gave birth to you (Even when they don't seem like they love you, they still do).

I wish there was more i could do. There was a time where i thought about making a "Coming out" video, where i wrote a note, several people from the community read it, and they i would stitch a video together, where i would showing my parents the perks of mermaiding, and how is not something to be weirded out by. I still wish i could do that, but i would need 20 volunteers to help me.

Anyway, good luck.

I resonate with this so much. I feel like the only way for me is the secret life, but the only secret thing I can have is this community, because I live in a house in a big city where everyone is constantly snooping, and I risk getting found out if I bring anything mer related into the house. So thus, I don't think I will be able to swim freely until I graduate high school and college, and live by myself. This whole thing is especially traumatizing since I've been bullied and called gay growing up. I wish I could get some actual help from friends, instead of just advice, like a video, or even meeting people in real life! In terms of my parents, my mother has been dead for a little over a year now. She always encouraged me to do what everyone was doing. She was sharp as a tack, and I think the only reason she suggested this was for my own social wellbeing. It's just sad. I've informed everyone that it's far too early in my life to figure out my sexuality, as I haven't liked someone of either sex for around 5 years. I just don't want people to disown me or anything, and it's scary given how young I am.

[Ransom]

You're still young, so time's your friend. Once you're living on your own you'll be able to do it without fear -- that's the path I'm on now.

I suggest working on what's within your control, like doing well in school, building your skills and learning a trade so your independence will come that much faster.

[Mermaid Alexis]

I agree with what everyone here has said. I myself dont have conservative parents but so far, they haven't been too open about my being lesbian so far and such things. So when I told them I like mermaiding, they just kind of brushed it off as some young girls fantasy. However, now that I'm older and have been working to get a tail of my own, they are just letting me go with it not really expecting anything to happen. But like mermaid Kane said, just slowly introduce it to them and let them explore it first, then you can eventually tell them the whole story once they've grown accustomed to the idea of being a mer. Hope this helps!

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[DancingJohari]

From someone who was raised in a strict hristian home and came out of the broom clost, I get your reaction! My parents flipped on me being Wiccan, but were cool with being a belly dancer and exploring mermaiding...but they also had about 20 years to get used to it.

I really get being afraid. I told my parents and sister (my parents are protestant, my dad was raised catholic and my sister is now mormon) and yes...I got a bad reaction. SincevCard rhen, they have gotten used to my eccentricities. Don't try to live up to the perfect child image. Be you! If they find out, they find out. If you're uncomfortable with them knowing, save up, move out on your own...and work towards your goals. You don't have to tell them, not unless you feel ready to. ::hugs::

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[Mermaid Joie]

Jamie it breaks my heart to hear the fear in your messages. I think some people who are drawn to mermaiding are drawn because it offers a beautiful escape from there current situation. I am not saying that is you but it could be. No one should live in fear like this. And as a person who has been in and out of counseling more times than I can count because I am trying to be someone else's version of me, I can say I understand.

If you need someone to talk to I don't think there is a single person here who wouldn't be over the moon to help you if you PMed them. Because you are lovable and you are worthy of love as you are. You are still very young your profile says 14? Is that correct?

If you need friends near by, maybe look on the map and see who in your pod is close or find their thread. I have the Pokemon card burning kind of parents, it not the worst problem in the world. It is the other problems that make life hard. Mermaiding is not exclusively gay or secular if that is their reason for concern, so it wouldn't make any sense for them to be upset about it. Because ALOT of strong conservative Christians mermaid. Mermaiding is incredibly profitable, creative, inventive, and a lot of good things. Your parent's should support you they maybe confused at first but once you start they should get the idea, unless something else is wrong or they are controlling. If that is the case things get a lot clearer when you are older or you can talk it out with a counselor or trusted adult. We talk alot on the Christian Mer Fellowship Thread of how Mermaiding can be used in Christianity if you need ideas.
The only question you need to answer is right now is who do you want to be? Then make small goals that help to you become that person everyday.

You don't need anyone's approval. Wherever you go and whatever you do there will be one side that supports you and one side that is for whatever reason does not. You can't put your life on hold because someone else doesn't approve of your hobbies or job. Also in my experience it is really hard for people to argue with you if you are making and honest profit or living doing something you love. If you want to "test the waters" a monofin is a great way to ease people into the idea, but don't let others opinion stop you from pursuing your passion.

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[MermanJamie]

Jamie it breaks my heart to hear the fear in your messages. I think some people who are drawn to mermaiding are drawn because it offers a beautiful escape from there current situation. I am not saying that is you but it could be. No one should live in fear like this. And as a person who has been in and out of counseling more times than I can count because I am trying to be someone else's version of me, I can say I understand.

If you need someone to talk to I don't think there is a single person here who wouldn't be over the moon to help you if you PMed them. Because you are lovable and you are worthy of love as you are. You are still very young your profile says 14? Is that correct?

If you need friends near by, maybe look on the map and see who in your pod is close or find their thread. I have the Pokemon card burning kind of parents, it not the worst problem in the world. It is the other problems that make life hard. Mermaiding is not exclusively gay or secular if that is their reason for concern, so it wouldn't make any sense for them to be upset about it. Because ALOT of strong conservative Christians mermaid. Mermaiding is incredibly profitable, creative, inventive, and a lot of good things. Your parent's should support you they maybe confused at first but once you start they should get the idea, unless something else is wrong or they are controlling. If that is the case things get a lot clearer when you are older or you can talk it out with a counselor or trusted adult. We talk alot on the Christian Mer Fellowship Thread of how Mermaiding can be used in Christianity if you need ideas.
The only question you need to answer is right now is who do you want to be? Then make small goals that help to you become that person everyday.

You don't need anyone's approval. Wherever you go and whatever you do there will be one side that supports you and one side that is for whatever reason does not. You can't put your life on hold because someone else doesn't approve of your hobbies or job. Also in my experience it is really hard for people to argue with you if you are making and honest profit or living doing something you love. If you want to "test the waters" a monofin is a great way to ease people into the idea, but don't let others opinion stop you from pursuing your passion.

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Yes, I'm only 14. It is difficult. So the woman I've talked about is worrying me more than ever now. She saw my show last week at school, and about a week later she asked me a strange question. A friend of mine who is also in the cast was playing a character who is a champion, a huge show off, a boy scout, and a star athlete. The way he presented himself very pompously perfectly reflected the character, with his nose slightly upturned and constantly lifting his arms and turning his head as he walked. About a week later, I am interrogated by her about whether he is gay or not, because of the way he presented himself on stage. She claimed his snobbish walks were "too feminine."

This angers me, and it has especially come up lately. During my recent efforts to stop being political, I realized that qualities such as masculinity and femininity are completely immeasurable, and you can't tell if someone acts masculine or feminine just by looking at them.

So, yeah, she said he was too feminine, and asked whether he was gay or not. She is generally focused on stuff like this. I don't think I will ever to be able to explain the mer community to her, without being criticized for being too feminine. The sad part is that she will likely be lingering in my life forever, and will be a huge part of it for a few more years.

Anyway, it just makes me sad. Everyone in this community is so brave, and whenever it's time to be brave myself, I chicken out. What I'm worried is that when I show her how beautiful the community is, she will say it should only be for girls and women.

I'm not sure exactly who I want to be. I want to be a mer, but still keep my personality and my other hobbies.

Also, I'm not sure about the Christian Thread. I myself am closer to Agnostic than Christian, but she just says "God says men do this, women do that."

[Ransom]

Urggh. IMO she has a problem with Bible knowledge and interpretation, not to mention distinguishing fiction and reality.

But know that she's unlikely to be an influence for that long. By the time I was 20, the things I worried about when I was 14 no longer mattered, and no one was such a huge presence in my life that I needed to please or justify anything to them.

Again, your situation is definitely different but I hope you take some encouragement away from this discussion. And if you've questions about what the Bible actually says (not what those people who happen to be around you think it does), feel free to PM me.

[DancingJohari]

You're young. No wonder you're scared. Don't worry so much aboit your family. At 14, it is hard..but you will get through this. Maybe just start by asking for free diving lessons. then use that as an excuse to get a monofin to learn the dolphin kick. Hang in therr, these years will pass before you know it.

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[NorthSeaAlaria]

I must admit that I was in my late teens/early 20s when I first even found out about the "reality" of mermaids, and while my family have all either been just a bit confused or really fascinated, it might be because I'm now 22, autistic, and have always had some weird interests. And I've been cosplaying for nearly 10 years. And while the family is christian, they're not particularly religious, and I'm not a christian at all. This is probably not the weirdest thing I've thrown at them.

The thing that took some convincing for them was when I wanted to get a tail and start swimming more. While still dealing with school and uni I put it aside, but this past summer we were going to one of my favourite holiday places again and I found a short freediving course there for mermaids! I spent what was a lot of money for me out of my own pocket just to be able to try it, insisting to my parents that it was just something I badly wanted to see if I could do, and in the UK 99% of public pools won't allow mer stuff (private pools are a thing, but rare here). In the end, they said it was my money and my choice. The freediving side was great exercise and I turned out to be good enough at it that now with my own tail we're on our way towards bringing it to my local area and going professional! My mother especially loves it now.

Basically as said before, you're young. I'm not gonna say it'll be easy or all go away over time, but the older you get the more you'll be able to make wise decisions for yourself and hopefully be respected for it. If not, you don't always have to seek the approval of your family by the time you're an adult. In the meantime yeah, try to get some swimming or freediving lessons, work carefully on your breath hold, do research on stuff when possible and just reassure your family if they ask that what you're interested in is perfectly harmless. Oh, and be sure to try your best with other important stuff like schoolwork and keeping your room clean, that'll make them feel better too.

I haven't had much experience with super religious christians before, but from an outsider's view I can't see anything "sinful" or concerning about mermaids? It's just an element of fun fantasy mixed with good exercise, and doesn't always have to be "girly" either if that's what they'd be worried about. Yeah it's popular for women because of the whole mermaid mythology and the way the media portrays it, but it doesn't HAVE to be only for women. That woman, no offense, sounds a bit crazy when she's so insistent on such ridiculous things.

Above all, don't let them make you feel like you should be ashamed or give up on it. Even if it takes you some time, you'll get there.

[MermanJamie]

Yeah, the main thing she would get mad about.. well, she probably would not get as mad if I were a girl, but I am worried, as she has lately been telling me certain people and things are "too feminine" and saying stuff on the street like "Look at that guy, look at how feminine he acts. He's probably gay." This is usually a reference to some guy strutting on the street wiggling his butt, and while I think this is slightly weird, there's nothing gay or feminine about it. She also says that young boys should not be allowed to play with dolls, and criticizes parents who let their sons. I haven't brought up young girls with either Hot Wheels or action figures to her, but I assume she'd have a similar reaction. I haven't brought up mers to her, just how I hate the idea of "boy toys" and "girl toys", but she seems pretty insistent on this opinion.