Need advice on a sensitive issue

**New York Mermaid** · 07-28-2015, 08:20 PM

Hey everyone,

Sorry I haven't been as active alot of personal things have been going on including my mother in law knocking on deaths door and dealing with my declining health. I wanted to bring this up without any intention of starting a fight and I just want to get it off my chest and well advice is helpful too.

SOME of you know that I had a falling out with a friend a month or so ago. The situation was that I was going through so much and this friend just made me feel disrespected about a few things they said/did. I got so fumed about one thing in particular, rather than begin arguing with them. I avoided altercation and blocked them for a while ( I mean seriously so much going down in my personal life- hell Kailani, Jv, Chris and Theta know all the hell I've been thru.. there was a major issue which pushed me to stop all communication with this person)

Other than that I find out that this person not only is trying to pressure others to join them and also move in on a special place which I have been at for many years and they do so out of spite. The truth is I tried to hold my tongue and I want to continue to hold my tongue but the stress is killing me. Considering mutual friends among me and said person, I don't want to pick sides and much less pressure anyone in doing so.

but as much as I want to talk to this person, I feel that I'm in for another migraine of stuff. That even if I try to explain why I did what I did for the sake of my own sanity, that I'll be "thrown to the sharks" and they'd do more out of spite. There is so much happening in my life that it's affected my health tenfold. I've slowed down on alot of things in order to focus on myself but this situation continues to haunt me. If there's one thing I hate it's breaking friendships and yet I felt that at that time it was just something I needed to do at that moment.

Do I try to cross that bridge and take a step forward or do I just leave it be.

**Celaeno** · 07-28-2015, 08:44 PM

I'm so sorry you're going through this. <3

I abruptly ended a friendship that had lasted half my lifetime because of similar-sounding issues(disrespect, backstabbing, etc), and while it sucked at the beginning, standing where I am 7 years later(wow, has it really been that long?) I can see them for the selfish self-absorbed non-friend they were, and I have been so much calmer and happier since. False friends are soul-vampires; they will drain you and drain you until you have nothing left to give. Protecting yourself is more important than sparing someone else's ego.

**AniaR** · 07-28-2015, 10:04 PM

Hey NY mermaid nice to see you here.

LET IT BE LET IT BE LET IT BE OH LET IT BE. Seriously, did you read my recent post on this exact topic? let me share it...

I've learned a lot through my journey. Sometimes all the bad stuff we don't like about ourselves is stuff that's come about from dealing with too many toxic people and events. It could be family, a spouse, a friend. You can read all the books in the world, go to therapy and learn all these awesome skills. The problem is you can only change you. You might become really good at putting boundaries down but it wont make toxic people any better at respecting them. At some point there's no more self help that can be done, no more growth that can happen, until you get away from those people. You have to accept they wont change, and empower yourself to move on.
It may entail breaking up, or leaving a friend, leaving home, moving out etc. And when you get into the real world and start surrounding yourself with healthy people you'll go into shock. IN fact, it'll feel like a train hit you. It'll scare the heck out of you. These people who want to help you cuz they love you, treat love like it's unconditional, support you, empower you, listen to you... you're going to question all of it. It'll scare you so bad you'll wanna run back to the toxic people simple because at least you understood them. Because you've spent so long feeling like you don't deserve these things you'll have convinced yourself you don't.
You'll get around it. You'll start to trust and push through. But you'll always be waiting for the shoe to drop. And anytime you mess something up, or something bad happens, you'll automatically yell, "LOOK THERE IT IS, THE SHOE DROPPED" when really it's just a mild thing but you're so afraid of losing this little bit of peace you've finally made for yourself.
Eventually you'll stop head gaming yourself, you'll start to relax, you wont keep looking over your shoulder. You might even accidentally come into contact with a toxic person again. But you'll know what to do. And everytime you deal with a toxic person or situation it gets easier and easier. Then you realize you're strong. You can recover from abuse, emotional manipulation, neglect, and the other nasty things that come with toxic people.
I know it because I've lived it and sometimes still live it. I see so many people on my FB feed living it. I just thought you all needed some words of encouragement about your journey too. Lord knows, I wouldn't be here if it weren't for the people who spoke up when I started the process. When I got away from the main toxic people in my life I was shocked at how much life there was to live. Now anytime I get rid of a toxic person it's like more and more weight being taken off me. I can spot em a mile away now and I know how to steer clear.

**Aziara** · 07-29-2015, 10:13 AM

Originally Posted by AniaR

Hey NY mermaid nice to see you here.

LET IT BE LET IT BE LET IT BE OH LET IT BE. Seriously, did you read my recent post on this exact topic? let me share it...

I've learned a lot through my journey. Sometimes all the bad stuff we don't like about ourselves is stuff that's come about from dealing with too many toxic people and events. It could be family, a spouse, a friend. You can read all the books in the world, go to therapy and learn all these awesome skills. The problem is you can only change you. You might become really good at putting boundaries down but it wont make toxic people any better at respecting them. At some point there's no more self help that can be done, no more growth that can happen, until you get away from those people. You have to accept they wont change, and empower yourself to move on.
It may entail breaking up, or leaving a friend, leaving home, moving out etc. And when you get into the real world and start surrounding yourself with healthy people you'll go into shock. IN fact, it'll feel like a train hit you. It'll scare the heck out of you. These people who want to help you cuz they love you, treat love like it's unconditional, support you, empower you, listen to you... you're going to question all of it. It'll scare you so bad you'll wanna run back to the toxic people simple because at least you understood them. Because you've spent so long feeling like you don't deserve these things you'll have convinced yourself you don't.
You'll get around it. You'll start to trust and push through. But you'll always be waiting for the shoe to drop. And anytime you mess something up, or something bad happens, you'll automatically yell, "LOOK THERE IT IS, THE SHOE DROPPED" when really it's just a mild thing but you're so afraid of losing this little bit of peace you've finally made for yourself.
Eventually you'll stop head gaming yourself, you'll start to relax, you wont keep looking over your shoulder. You might even accidentally come into contact with a toxic person again. But you'll know what to do. And everytime you deal with a toxic person or situation it gets easier and easier. Then you realize you're strong. You can recover from abuse, emotional manipulation, neglect, and the other nasty things that come with toxic people.
I know it because I've lived it and sometimes still live it. I see so many people on my FB feed living it. I just thought you all needed some words of encouragement about your journey too. Lord knows, I wouldn't be here if it weren't for the people who spoke up when I started the process. When I got away from the main toxic people in my life I was shocked at how much life there was to live. Now anytime I get rid of a toxic person it's like more and more weight being taken off me. I can spot em a mile away now and I know how to steer clear.

OMG, Raina. I so needed that. I'm struggling with my own little 'toxic relationship drama' over here too.

**SeaGlass Siren** · 07-29-2015, 10:31 AM

I've cut out a lot of toxic people in my life. You'll be a much happier person for it. I also have a lot of mutual friends with a lot of people but i don't give a shark.

The fact is if they are like this then they're not really your friends.

**deepblue** · 07-29-2015, 03:56 PM

Originally Posted by SeaGlass Siren

The fact is if they are like this then they're not really your friends.

Exactly. People make a lot of excuses based on the idea of someone being their friend. Friends don't screw each other over, they don't lie to you, or disrespect you. There are so many good people out there who can be real friends; to keep giving your energy to people who've shown they aren't capable of being a true friend is not doing right by yourself. And maybe it doesn't mean they were never your friend, but sometimes people change. Some evolve, some go the other way, and all you can do is stay true to yourself.

I myself am pretty good at walking away from toxic people, even one of my own sisters. It isn't always easy. But in return I am surrounded by the most incredible people, true friends, and so much love.

Oh and you do not have to pick sides. It's not hard to stay neutral, and no one can make you pick sides, either.