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Thread: Living with mental health issues

  1. #1
    Senior Member Rocky Mountain Pod
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    Living with mental health issues

    Hi guys,
    I wanted to open a thread about mental health and illness, because I want to share something with you all. I've struggled with my moods my whole life (I'm 32). I remember telling my mother, at a very young age, that I knew something wasn't right in my head. My parents blew me off when I tried talking to them about it, dismissing me as simply being lazy and irresponsible. Many times I was told to just "snap out of it" or to "just stop being that way". I guess since I look normal on the outside and since my issues were not as severe in my youth it was easy for my family to just accept that I was moody and difficult. I was often very misunderstood, not only by my family and peers, but also by myself. I still am misunderstood. People don't get that my brain functions differently than theirs, and that I don't mean to be this way. For the longest time I thought talk therapy and maybe some anti-depressants would help me sort it out, but it never did. Usually it just made things worse. Here's a basic run-down on how things go for me... I never know from day to day how much energy, focus, and self control I will have. I am very productive some days but some days all I can manage is taking care of my kids and animals. I'm very grateful that these issues have not interfered with my ability to care for my children. It's also important to mention that on the days I'm not doing so well, I don't take very good care of myself. I'm short-tempered and irritable almost all the time, I am very forgetful and get distracted easily. I'm disorganized. I am terrified of the criticism of others. I get upset and cry easily. And I have PMDD- or pre menstrual dysphoric disorder- which is basically PMS on steroids. I literally go bonkers about 5-7 days before my period, but level out within hours of my period starting. I've been this way my whole life, but it's gotten a lot worse in recent years. It's now become so serious I'm losing weeks of my life to the mental and emotional roller coaster I'm powerless against. I've been avoiding getting treatment for the underlying cause of all this for a long time. I finally took action last week when I realized that this problem is literally ruining my life and the lives of everyone I love. I have accepted that without treatment I will continue to get worse, and could some day, in a fit of anger and self-hate, seriously harm or kill myself. I spoke with my gynecologist about it, because I trust her (which is super rare for me) and she and I both agree that I am, most likely, Bi-polar- more specifically, rapid cycling bi-polar 2. I had been told this once before by a shrink, but chose to ignore it because I hated the guy. I have an official psych eval soon, and I'm eager for answers and a plan of attack in the fight to regain my life. I honestly have no idea how I finally came to be blessed with enough clarity to see this illness as simply that- a medical condition that I need help for. I know that I have to act fast before my mood shifts up or down again and I blow off getting help. So, why did I choose to share all this with you? ...
    Because I know I'm not alone, and I know how isolating and sad it feels to live with mental illness. I want other people with issues like mine to know that it's ok to admit you need help, and to seek it out. This is just the beginning of my journey to wellness, and I will continue to post here with my progress. Hopefully my experience with this will help someone else in crisis. If you are reading this, and totally relate, please understand that you can PM me any time if you need to talk. I want to be a good example for a change, I really hope I can achieve it.
    Formerly known as NikkiLee

  2. #2
    : hugs: thankyou lotus

  3. #3
    You did the right thing. I am a high functioning autistic with social anxiety disorder and what is probably dysthymia. After years of being in and out of therapy, I decided to commit to it when I realized that my autism-imposed isolation was causing me to resent humanity. I'm supposed to change the world. I shouldn't let the world change me - not like that. I've had several friends over the years refuse to admit that they have problems ruin their own lives and make other people miserable. At least one of them didn't even believe that most mental illnesses are legit ("If you grow out of Borderline personality disorder, it's just a phase.")

  4. #4
    Senior Member Rocky Mountain Pod
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    Thanks Kakarotte. And Andrea too.
    Update- got an appointment next Weds at 0930.
    Formerly known as NikkiLee

  5. #5
    *hugs Lotus*

    Reading your description, I thought too that your symptoms sound like rapid-cycling bi-polar disorder. The only reason I know that (because I'm not a psychiatrist by any means) is because, when I was committed to the mental health ward in May of 2010, I met two people who had the same problems. I don't know if it will help you feel any better but I absolutely believe thinking about your illness as a treatable sickness, not a character flaw, is the first (and hardest, I think) step in getting it under control.

    I have depression and have had it for many years. I always thought there was something wrong with me because I could not overcome it, no matter what I did. I felt sick and sad and disgusting on the inside and everyone around me simply said that I was being stupid, being dramatic/selfish/what-have-you. One day my ex-boyfriend tore into me and told me I ruined his life. In a fit of self-loathing, I tried to poison myself. I snapped out of it a few hours later and called the Poison Control Center and was rushed to the hospital, despite doing my best to wash the poison out of my system.

    In Arizona, it is mandatory to be committed to a psych ward if you attempt suicide. Therefore, I was forced to go against my will but it really changed how I viewed my illness. There was nothing wrong with me. Depression, bi-polar disorder, schizophrenia, all of those? They're illnesses and they can be treated with therapy and medicine. Those treatments are not a crutch - we don't consider someone weak for taking medicine when they have the flu! Mental illnesses are no different. That really helped change my life. My medication helps me feel like me again. And I sincerely hope you can get the help you need, Lotus, so that you can feel like you again.

    /hug forever

    If you ever want to talk, feel free to drop me a line. <3

  6. #6
    Senior Member Pod of Cali spottedcatfish's Avatar
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    Thank you Lotus for sharing. I am glad you are seeking help. I live in a house, my family's house, which has three other bedrooms, which we rent out. We just had a tenant who moved here on Friday, who we (my family and I) believe to have some kind of bipolar disorder. Reading your description, it was very similar to this tenant, though she could have some other problems too. She is not on medication, and in the last few days she has been here (only a weekend) she has violated our rules for the house, and is very controlling, and belittling me, the house manager. She will be evicted tomorrow. I hope you do get on and continue medication and other treatment to treat this mental problem. You are brave for doing so, and I hope you continue to see the benefits of living a life without this condition.

  7. #7
    Mental illness is something that continues to have a stigma attached to it as two central myths seem to perpetuate (at least here in the UK) and no amount of positive publicity can put them to rest. The first is that people with a mental illness are pariahs, likely to infect others with their disease if they come into contact with those who are healthy and "normal", the second (which when taken into consideration with the first shows how ludicrous both are) is that mental illnesses that don't see the sufferer secured in a straightjacket are not really an illness at all and simply a matter of the person in question needing to "pull themselves together". It took me a long time to understand why most people didn't experience the world in the same way as me, and I had to go through at least one breakdown and recovery (if the latter can be called that) before I realised that I had been born with synaesthesia and had the additional complication of OCD to add to it as well. To this day there are still people in my everyday life who seem to think that I could simply drop the whole thing if I so chose, which is as easy as someone else waking up one morning and deciding that they were going to stop being left-handed or that they'd had enough of suffering from diabetes and they were going to wish it away.
    New Blog - The Strange World of Nate Walis: http://natewalis.wordpress.com/

  8. #8
    Senior Member Pod of Texas
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    Ohmyword. I love you guys. I'm sorry, I had to say that before I get my whole issue out. Since I was four years old, I've been on meds. I've been diagnosed with ADD, ADHD, Schizo, Schizo-effective disorder, Bipolar, Asperger's, and probably more things. So basically, according to my current (really awesome) psychiatrist, I'm a mixture of a bunch of things. They've tried almost every medication, and none of them actually do anything. The one I'm on now does VERY LITTLE. I even asked my psychiatrist. People have told me multiple times that there isn't anything wrong with me, but when I go off my meds, even though they do very little, there is a noticeable difference. A very noticeable one. So, I'm not going off those meds for a while, even though people look down on me for it. I'd rather be able to function and be somewhat sensible. My logic gets a bit screwy when I don't take them. I don't understand why people can't accept things. People, even doctors, look at me like I'm sort of scourge to humanity when I explain all my issues and why I take meds. I think it's the schizo bit....but heeey~. Think what you will, people! I'm me, and I'm good that way.
    (sorry if that was a ramble, I'm half awake, eating lunch early, and REALLLLY don't wanna go back to work.)
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  9. #9
    Senior Member Rocky Mountain Pod
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    Thanks to everyone for the support and for sharing. I'm glad we can be here for one another.
    @Octavia- I was put on mandatory psych hold in a facility after attempting suicide in 2008 when we lived in Florida. That was, hands down, the SHITTIEST experience I've ever had with mental healthcare professionals. I'll just leave it at that. I'm sorry you had to go thru that, but it sounds like it was a benefit for you in the long run. I'm really glad to hear you are doing well with your treatment.
    @spottedcatfish- could be that that gal was having a manic episode, who knows.... I hope having her leave goes smoothly and without incident
    @Nate Walis- it's funny, growing up, my family ignored me when I told them something was wrong in my head, but now they are my biggest supporters. My husband, on the other hand, is one of those people who truly believes that with enough discipline and hard work, I can just stop having these issues. He doesn't believe that I cannot control what happens in my head, which is really frustrating and discouraging. There are so many days I just feel like giving up, but somehow I keep plodding forward, however slow. I don't really know how to handle him, to be honest.... because in many ways he's just as moody as me, and the constant wondering what I'll face with him day to day is not helping my situation at all. The difference with him and me is that if I think about it for a minute, I can pinpoint what's actually bothering him, whereas my "brain attacks" come on unprovoked most of the time. I've been working really hard on trying to recognize triggers and avoid them, but since stress is the biggest one and I kind of can't avoid stress in my day to day life (I have three young daughters, a hubby with PTSD from Iraq and I work at a restaurant) it's an enormous challenge.....
    @pickles- I ramble too, even when I'm not tired. It's crazy how long you've been on meds.... I have a four year old with a rather wild and unstable personality- I had one doc suggest to me that I put her on ritalin, but I won't unless she gets to where she can't function. She's really smart (all my girls are) but she's SUPER high energy and really sensitive, so discipline can be a challenge. I am working hard with her on brain training at home to help her with her self-control; I hope with the right kind of guidance and direction I can get her into the habit of recognizing when she's out of control so she can calm down. Of course I realize she's really young, but this is a good time to encourage good habits, you know, before she grows up and thinks I'm an idiot lol. I think if I had learned self-regulation in my younger years, I'd be a lot better off today.
    @kakarotte- I'm getting pretty resentful of people too, which I don't like. I hate the feeling of suspicion and wariness I have around most everyone I come in contact with... it's like my guard is always up in case there's a battle to fight with some misunderstanding jerk. I know it's mostly in my head, but after so may years of being told that my problems are BS and I should snap out of it, I've lost a lot of faith in the compassion and humanity I used to believe most people had. Now I see everyone as a potential problem. I don't get close to anyone because I don't trust anyone, and I find myself pulling back from my loved ones more and more. I'm isolating myself, and I know that's not good.
    There are so many days when I wish someone who doesn't understand what's in my head could just trade places with me for a day. To see and feel and touch and taste the world the way I do. To ride the ride like I do.... but since that'l never happen I gotta keep truckin and figure out how to get this under control. Have a good day everyone.
    Formerly known as NikkiLee

  10. #10
    You're not kidding, that sounds like an incredible challenge!
    New Blog - The Strange World of Nate Walis: http://natewalis.wordpress.com/

  11. #11
    Wow! You guys are amazing for doing what your doing! And you guys are defiantly brave!
    Personally, I suffer from anxiety, depression, a bit of dyslexia, and a little known brain disorder called misophonia.

  12. #12
    Senior Member Undisclosed Pod MerAnthony's Avatar
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    WOW! you folks are amazing to admit that you have these problems an I respect you for sharing them an to admit that you have problems is a big step on the way to recovery. Now myself I have ADD. I am very disorganized. Not a slob but things don't go where they need to be. I get distracted farely easy an sometimes I have trouble on concentrating on a task at hand. It is very frustrating when I am tring to do things that I want to do, plus when I know something has to be done I loose track of my goal. I do not take meds for this. I have tried a ton of them but nothing seems to work. Plus with all the stress I am going through with my family it doesn't help much. Sometimes I feel I just want to disappear from the world. Now don't think unkindly of me for this. It is a problem I have to deal with. An I don't think that my family understands. I still don't understand an I have had it all my life.
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  13. #13
    Quote Originally Posted by ThatMournfulSound View Post
    Personally, I suffer from anxiety, depression, a bit of dyslexia, and a little known brain disorder called misophonia.
    I'm a psych student, and even I've never heard of that. What is misophonia? I assume it has something to do with disordered auditory processing in the brain?
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  14. #14
    Quote Originally Posted by Kakarotte View Post
    You did the right thing. I am a high functioning autistic with social anxiety disorder and what is probably dysthymia. After years of being in and out of therapy, I decided to commit to it when I realized that my autism-imposed isolation was causing me to resent humanity. I'm supposed to change the world. I shouldn't let the world change me - not like that. I've had several friends over the years refuse to admit that they have problems ruin their own lives and make other people miserable. At least one of them didn't even believe that most mental illnesses are legit ("If you grow out of Borderline personality disorder, it's just a phase.")
    i'm also autistic, so; welcome to my world And I know what your talking about...:/

  15. #15
    I desperately wish that everyone who needed counseling got it, instead of talking about how hard their emotions are to deal with all the time. And then, when faced with the idea of counseling, say that "It would be a waste of time," "Telling my problems to someone would show weakness and I should be able to control this," and my personal favorite: "It's not really a problem." I have a friend who is probably schizophrenic, but thinks he actually has met Satan and sees demons and ghosts. He seems to have a lot of the positive and negative symptoms. I wish to god that I could convince him to get help.

    I do not envy clinical psychologists.
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  16. #16
    Senior Member Pod of Texas
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    I've been to a psych ward. I was put there because my doctors had screwed up mymeds and had me on eight different ones at once, and quite a few of them were counteracting each other and causing hallucinations...Oh, and that's actually where I got my fear of needles. One of the nurses couldnt find a good vein when they were drawing blood, so they ended up sticking my arms in multiple spots before going with a vein on my hand....I had bruises for at least a week...and yeah. I was there for three months, and wouldn't have had to go if my doctor had listened when my ten year old self told himI was seeing things shortly after they put me on one of the meds. =.= 'Course he didn't. He had me stay on the med and the stuff got worse. I'm good now, though I will be eternally ticked with that doctor.
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  17. #17
    Senior Member Undisclosed Pod
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    I am pretty lucky in terms of all this. I have ADHD. Yes, officially. Diagnosed. I took meds for a brief time in high school and it helped me take my math from failing to a 98. It did make a big difference, but the side effects were brutal so I learned some coping skills and then I stopped them. For me, ADHD makes it reallllllly hard to sleep. So I end up with insomnia. I also have a really stupid and painful bladder disease. A medication I take helps numb my bladder, and the side effects that are good are making you sleepy and helping with ADHD. So I take it before bed and it helps me cope with a lot. The down side is it made me gain 30lbs very quickly, it makes you a sugar addict (It's an actual side effect, no lie!) and gives you pretty bad dry mouth.

    I have several painful incurable and largely untreatable diseases. While I don't have any chemical imbalances that make me depressed, I obviously have my moments because living with chronic pain and illness can wear a person down. Thankfully, the med I take for my bladder also helps with anxiety and depression. So really, all that stuff is mostly taken care of for me.

    I have had PTSD for a long time- having grown up with a seriously abusive parent and having been through several very traumatic moments, and obviously, being sick all the time is traumatic too. I find most of the symptoms are gone now, having done 3 years of therapy and my meds helping take the edge off as a side effect. The only PTSD problems I find I still have are the thinking patterns. You react instead of responding to a situation (something I still work very hard on), you have bad dreams/night terrors, and you remember bad things in vivid detail even if they're only stupid bad things, and can't remember the good things at all. So I read a lot of books, I meditate, I actively work on those things and for the most part I don't find they bother me or define me.

    it's been a long road, I was really lucky to have a great therapist. Of course, that was after going through 3-4 terrible ones

  18. #18
    Senior Member Rocky Mountain Pod
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    My appointment is in the morning, and it's a really good thing. I've been in a foul, hateful mood all day.... it started with me foolishly telling my husband I was anxious to get my silicone tail. I got talked down to and put down and dragged thru the dirt for my past mistakes for over an hour, then got a series of sarcastic asshole apologies for upsetting me. It saddens me to say, but I'm pretty sure my recovery will go nowhere as long as we are married. I've denied it for a long time, but I think we are done. I don't think he has the ablilty to let me get better because that will mean an end to having me as a scapegoat for all the things that have gone wrong in our lives. I don't deny that I caused most of our problems, but I fail to see how to avoid repeating them with him brow beating me all the time. Needless to say I've been crying and snapping at everyone all day- it's one of those days where I'm walking a thin line on self control. It's taking all my energy to not break all the dishes in my house and start cutting myself again- (a habit I've been in and out of since I was 14) It's been almost two years since I cut last and it's a slippery slope. I know if I start again it'll be really hard to stop, especially considering that's another thing my husband ridicules me for. I'm just so damn fed up.
    Formerly known as NikkiLee

  19. #19
    It's so very, very hard to admit that a relationship is toxic, especially when you both probably loved each other very much at one point. If you remember this epiphany and go through with it, you might even be surprised at how much of your mood swings had to do with the toxicity of your relationship. That was my experience anyway, when I dated someone who had me believing I was crazy. Positive people go a long way in ensuring a healthy recovery! Good luck to you
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  20. #20
    Senior Member Rocky Mountain Pod
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    Funny you should say that, because when I was discussing what's going on with the intake therapist yesterday I realized that most of the reason for my serious attacks as of late are because of the tension between him and me. That fight started the other day because I lamented about not having my silicone tail yet and since he sees mermaiding as childish and embarrassing, it set him off, which set me off. I'm actually going to list all my mermaid stuff for sale and not do it anymore- I've been shamed for it so many times now all the joy I once had in it is gone. It sucks. I feel so drained and dead inside.
    Formerly known as NikkiLee

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