Hi guys,
I wanted to open a thread about mental health and illness, because I want to share something with you all. I've struggled with my moods my whole life (I'm 32). I remember telling my mother, at a very young age, that I knew something wasn't right in my head. My parents blew me off when I tried talking to them about it, dismissing me as simply being lazy and irresponsible. Many times I was told to just "snap out of it" or to "just stop being that way". I guess since I look normal on the outside and since my issues were not as severe in my youth it was easy for my family to just accept that I was moody and difficult. I was often very misunderstood, not only by my family and peers, but also by myself. I still am misunderstood. People don't get that my brain functions differently than theirs, and that I don't mean to be this way. For the longest time I thought talk therapy and maybe some anti-depressants would help me sort it out, but it never did. Usually it just made things worse. Here's a basic run-down on how things go for me... I never know from day to day how much energy, focus, and self control I will have. I am very productive some days but some days all I can manage is taking care of my kids and animals. I'm very grateful that these issues have not interfered with my ability to care for my children. It's also important to mention that on the days I'm not doing so well, I don't take very good care of myself. I'm short-tempered and irritable almost all the time, I am very forgetful and get distracted easily. I'm disorganized. I am terrified of the criticism of others. I get upset and cry easily. And I have PMDD- or pre menstrual dysphoric disorder- which is basically PMS on steroids. I literally go bonkers about 5-7 days before my period, but level out within hours of my period starting. I've been this way my whole life, but it's gotten a lot worse in recent years. It's now become so serious I'm losing weeks of my life to the mental and emotional roller coaster I'm powerless against. I've been avoiding getting treatment for the underlying cause of all this for a long time. I finally took action last week when I realized that this problem is literally ruining my life and the lives of everyone I love. I have accepted that without treatment I will continue to get worse, and could some day, in a fit of anger and self-hate, seriously harm or kill myself. I spoke with my gynecologist about it, because I trust her (which is super rare for me) and she and I both agree that I am, most likely, Bi-polar- more specifically, rapid cycling bi-polar 2. I had been told this once before by a shrink, but chose to ignore it because I hated the guy. I have an official psych eval soon, and I'm eager for answers and a plan of attack in the fight to regain my life. I honestly have no idea how I finally came to be blessed with enough clarity to see this illness as simply that- a medical condition that I need help for. I know that I have to act fast before my mood shifts up or down again and I blow off getting help. So, why did I choose to share all this with you? ...
Because I know I'm not alone, and I know how isolating and sad it feels to live with mental illness. I want other people with issues like mine to know that it's ok to admit you need help, and to seek it out. This is just the beginning of my journey to wellness, and I will continue to post here with my progress. Hopefully my experience with this will help someone else in crisis. If you are reading this, and totally relate, please understand that you can PM me any time if you need to talk. I want to be a good example for a change, I really hope I can achieve it.
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