Living with mental health issues

[Mermaid Varshana]

How about get rid of what - or who - is actually shaming you and making you dead inside, and hold on to mermaiding, which i'm sure makes you feel happy on its own? Trust me. Don't surrender who you are because people are shitty. They'll still be shitty people after you do it. Ridding yourself of things you think are the source of how shitty people treat you won't change how they'll treat you. Because they're simply sad, shitty people who like to treat others in sad, shitty ways regardless of what you give up.

[Lotus]

Well, I had my first therapy session- what a relief! I really like my therapist, especially since her approach wasn't "lets give you a diagnosis and get you on some meds!".... it was "let's figure out what you can do now to improve your life and cope with the troubles you are experiencing," She said she was reluctant to diagnose bi-polar or add, but did acknowledge that something is going on.... basically, she described it as a biochemical issue exacerbated by environmental stress. So for now, it's weekly therapy to get to the bottom of the problem, and then figure out what, if any, medication might be beneficial in addition to better self-care habits and stress management techniques. It was really nice to hear someone tell me that I can and will get better. In the meantime, I've decided to not sell my stuff or make any other rash decisions. You're right, Kakarotte, that won't fix anything.

[Bernardo]

Awh your story is touching well these kinda things are actually a part of our daily life sometimes we have to face them and deal with them.
What i feel is it is necessary to have courage for that stuff.Try to change your focus on things that makes you down so you can actually enjoy your life.

[Lotus]

So- it's been a little while since I've checked in here, and I know I said I would....
The summer is almost over and I'm happy to say I feel like I'm finally standing on my feet again. I've been in counseling, I started running, and I recently joined a weight loss clinic. I feel a million times better mentally, and things are better with my husband and I. Counseling made a huge difference right away, because I had a neutral party listening to me, seeing my situation from the outside, helping me nail down the things that are really making me nuts and how to deal with them head on. A HUGE help was learning how to deal with my husband. Some of you may have heard me rant about him from time to time, but here's a fair and accurate summation of his personality- He's a man of his word. If he tells you he'll get something done, he will, and in a timely manner. He's very organized, and very clean. He hates a dirty, cluttered house and he generally always picks up after himself. He had extremely high expectations of me, and very little patience. He pushes himself to his limit every single time he mountain bikes and tends to look down on people who don't. Needless to say, we clash. It always used to drive me nuts that I'd suggest we take a leisure ride together or go hiking together, but he always turned me down, saying simply "I hate going slow," or "I hate running,"..... so I took the advice my counselor gave me and LEARNED TO SAY NO TO HIM. When he suggests we go on an "easy" ride (this means 12 plus miles of challenging uphill terrain), I look at the route myself if I don't already know the trail and decide if it's something I can do without killing myself. IF it looks like a fun but tough challenge, or if it's WAAAAYYY longer than he says (something he's notorious for) I simply tell him I would like to ride a different trail. I don;t mind pushing myself, but I know when I'm not going to be able to keep up with him and when I don't he gets really annoyed which hurts my feelings. One day he actually asked me why I started turning him down for rides so much, so I told him the truth (which I've bottled up forever); "Because you expect me to enjoy pushing myself until I throw up, and I think that sucks. I don't enjoy riding with someone who rolls his eyes at me every time I need to take a break. It makes me feel really bad, and frankly, very angry with you. I like to spend time with you, but I don't want our alone time to be filled with bad feelings,"
and when it came to mermaiding, I told him no with my actions. I know he gets embarrassed by it, but I've stood my ground on it by painting tails in the kitchen, and leaving them to dry there too- I used to always run to put up my tail stuff when he got home, but I don't anymore. Instead, I keep my area tidy and organized and put everything in it's place when the tail is dry. Basically, I respect his wishes by keeping the house tidy and clutter free and don't give him a reason to tell me to put up the tail stuff. And when he asks me to do something for him, I take the time to evaluate whether or not I have the time to get it done and base my answer on that. I stopped piling more onto myself than I can handle. I've made my health a priority- I told him I want to loose weight and I was going to join a WL clinic- he resisted at first (why can't you just do it on your own?) SO, I sat down and worked the budget so I can afford it, showed him we could, and then signed up. I've lost almost ten pounds so far. Taking a stand for myself without being a confrontational bitch has made the biggest difference in my life. I still deal with weird attention issues and lately I've been downright exhausted, but I'm dealing with it a MILLION times better. Another thing that really helped was cutting alcohol out of my life. I do have one or two here and there, but I don't drink heavily every day like I used to, which makes a HUGE difference. So anyway, thought I'd give you all an update- back to painting!

[Mermaid Varshana]

Oh, I'm so happy things are better! Counseling really does save people and relationships. It's hard to stand up to people while keeping a level head. I think some people go overboard when they try to take back power in relationships and become total douchebags. It sounds like you're just being reasonably assertive With most people, you absolutely need to have clear-cut boundaries or relationships get fucked.

[deepblue]

Just a vent.

I am having the worst brain day and I totally did it to myself.

Quick note- I won't be getting into details, nothing for a trigger warning or the like, because this just isn't the place for that.

BUT. I have a gnarly past and having been recovering for the past 20 years, and absolutely focused on that for 10 or so, I'm pretty darn well recovered for the most part. I do have major depression, and I have a dissociative disorder which I don't talk about because it's so often misunderstood, misrepresented by Hollywood (of course), and even my last psych doc said most people he sees who claim to have it are faking or are using it as an excuse for other personality disorders, but he called mine 'an affliction'- okay, so point being, it can be as gnarly as my past. I also have depersonalization disorder, but I haven't had that happen in so long, I'm very grateful. The two latter are trauma-related, the depression is, well, who knows- it could be anything, and docs think it was all the steroids I was on as a kid, for asthma, coupled with everything else.

Anyhow, I decided that at this point I wanted to write something using my past to base a fictional story on, and then from a certain point the whole take is metaphor for my life after a Big Traumatic Event. How I survived, the failures and successes. And I thought I've been recovered enough, but noooo, it's like I'm digging up the dead and they're dancing on my head.

*headdesk* So I stop for a while. I dissociate in my sleep, am dreaming from other perspectives, and wake up disoriented. I'm touchy and over-sensitive, angry, confused, and I keep having to pull myself together. Which I have.

But I'm just so frustrated, because I have this 100% original story, the first 11 pages of which are getting rave reviews from friends who want to see more, and I cannot write it because I have to make sure I don't fall apart. But I want to write it in that way only writers can know- I have to.

GAH. Thanks for the vent. Living with mental crap is a giant pain in the arse.

[deepblue]

Also, I kill threads. haha

[Lotus]

It's cool, Deepblue. I started this thread for exactly this reason. I sincerely hope you forge on with your recovery (which I'm sure you will if you've already been at it for 10 years )

[deepblue]

Thanks, Lotus. I'm actually doing much better.

I've worked on my stuff 20 years, but didn't have the official diagnoses to help until 10 years. And I actually am kind of kick-ass in the whole progress department, defying doctors predictions... but it still sucks.

I stopped writing the story that triggered it all in the first place. As much as it pains me. I need to be focusing on my mer tale, anyway- this was sort of an in-between time, when blocked on Beyond the Sea.

And I had met a new guy, which also made my head go wonky- and that's upsetting because when I was in more pieces I actually had no problem meeting new guys in terms of it affecting my mental health. I've had a fecking bad trade off. More general stability but the moment my trigger is hit in the relations arena.... all bets are off. I used to be fine with that, but not generally stable.

So my goal is to be stable in both.

[Lotus]

Stability is hard. Really hard. I think even people who don't experience mental health issues it can be really tough to find a balance in all the rooms of your house, so to speak. I too am in a struggle for stability- as I said in the forst post, I never know what to expect from day to day. Some days I'm focused and calm, others I'm a fraking wreck and can barely do the dishes. One thing I did finally realize is that my job is one of my big-time symptom triggers. Just knowing I have to go in the next day or that day or whatever causes me to be in a place of serious anxiety all day. I've finally gotten to a place where I can move on from that job, and I am looking forward to putting it behind me. I know for a fact it'll help me a lot to be out of that environment.

[Elle]

There is a lot of negative stigma about mental illness. you think about all your criminal shows out there and every criminal is schizophrenic, bi-polar, suffer a psychotic episode, psychopath or sociopath. That's a lot of negativity on a select group of people....

I have issues with anxiety and was medicated for that back in high school simply because I was passing out, vomiting or having panic attacks because of my anxiety.
Quick question though for anyone who has been in a mental health ward
I'm studying nursing at the moment and doing my mental health unit. I do my clinical placement for this class later in the year and I was just wondering (don't feel you have to answer)
1. What is the worst thing about mental health wards?
2. Are there any plus sides?
3. How are you treated by the staff while staying?
4. Would you change anything about how the staff interact with you?

[Amphitrite]

I have emotional and mental health issues. For a while now I have been crying frequently due to circumstances and I've recently started having panic attacks again. Must find something soothing to do. But I'm not sure what...

[Lotus]

@ Elle, I'm sorry I can't help you with the information you're looking for. I was placed on a mental health hold one a few years back, was not an inpatient. It was a terrible experience.
@ Amphitrite: I posted in the "better body" thread about this a little while ago, but I'll transfer that to here, since this is a discussion about mental health. I started running and increasing my mountain biking the beginning of the summer because I was having a really tough time dealing with my mental stuff and exercise releases endorphins- your body's own pain killers! I also changed me eating habits. High levels of sugar, starch and fast food make me even more irritable than I tend to be naturally. I seriously recommend you take a look at your diet and exercise routines and see where you can make improvements. I've found that taking care of myself has gone a really long way to helping me cope with stress and whatever imbalance I have. Let me know if I can help!

[deepblue]

My depression has been wreaking havoc. After having had a lift in it for months, this feels worse than I remember. I can't exercise right now because I don't have enough food- I have enough to feed my daughter and I'm mostly going hungry, which also has a lot to do with it, I imagine. I don't qualify for help, and food banks are not an option (which I'm not going to explain because I'm sick of it), and I have one thing of value left to sell... but I think October might be worse and I'm holding onto it.

This is horrible timing. I just started dating a great guy who's totally cool with my Dissociative disorders. I didn't want him to see me like this. Depression is so much worse, really, because I feel so dead inside.

[Mermaid Varshana]

I'm sorry Blue It's good that you can feed your daughter, but it's unfair that we live in a country where parents still go hungry to do so. Hold on. I can't say I understand what it's like to starve because I have a child to feed, but depression sucks. Mine has gotten so bad this semester that I've been having noticeable suicidal ideations. I say "noticeable" because it's like thoughts that float around, and then surface every so often. But we will be okay, I think. It's a matter of remembering to keep breathing and not being afraid to talk about it.

[deepblue]

I would love to say I have no idea what's going on, but I actually do. Depression is its own thing but it also gets worse when my dissociative disorders act up. And they are. It's because I'm in a new relationship. My triggers are things that are part and parcel. Which is maddening, because logically and consciously, I have no problem. But I'm having nightmares about something I can't even really go into here only because it would take so much explaining and I don't know that most people can handle it anyway. I have so much to do and I can't even think.

But I have this one huge 'blessing' or whatever I can call it- I'm always okay with my daughter, and while mothering. It's been easy to dedicate myself to momming, because it keeps my head clear. Even if it's pretty much only where she is concerned, that's more important than anything.

[Mermaid Octavia]

1. What is the worst thing about mental health wards?
2. Are there any plus sides?
3. How are you treated by the staff while staying?
4. Would you change anything about how the staff interact with you?

I just saw this and thought it might help your studies. I was in a ward in 2010:

1) I can only speak of my personal experience, but I was utterly terrified. I was told by a social worker assigned to me that if I did not go voluntarily, I would be court-ordered to go to a mental health ward. I was in such a state of shock that I was in no way capable of truly processing what was going on. I think the social worker could have been more compassionate and understanding and been less forceful/cold when explaining these things to me. I mean, come on, it was 8AM, maybe eight hours after a suicide attempt. I think being a bit more compassionate would have greatly benefited my mental state. So I think the "going in" experience was the worst part for me.

2) The food was awesome though being monitored while I ate was weird. I know why they asked me how much I ate and would check my plate (they had some people with eating disorders on top of whatever mental illness put them in the ward), but it was still uncomfortable! The beds were nice, the staff was lovely and very compassionate.

3) Initially, I was treated with kid gloves (which probably relates to them not knowing me and being careful around all new patients coming in) but after they got to know me, everything was fine. Everybody was very nice, very pleasant and polite. I enjoyed speaking to many of them, especially the resident chaplain even though I'm atheist. He treated me with the most respect and I was truly touched by his kindness.

4) Nothing, really. Though I was very polite and am always even-tempered so they could probably relax around me more than the other patients who might have been unruly or a problem.


In response to Lotus and others and reading their stories, I enrolled in counselling. I had my first appointment on Monday and I really like the therapist. My goal is to work on not hating myself and not being so afraid of men and sex. Physical intimacy brings me anxiety attacks and I don't trust men in romantic settings because of several factors I'm trying to work around. I've got good feelings about this therapist and have another appointment on Monday.

Amphitrite - I've found that, if I stress out a great deal, exercise helps me greatly. If I can't swim, I'll go on jogs around the neighborhood. Maybe a good walk for 30 minutes would be soothing and help out? Exercise releases endorphins to help you feel better.

[deepblue]

Octavia, I'm glad you linked to your shirts in your sig. I had not seen that thread.

I'm nearly as badly back in depression as I was before it lifted for those 2-3 odd months. My boyfriend is being exceptionally cool, and he understands because apparently he had experienced true, clinical depression 10 yrs ago or so. But between this stealing my ability to write and the general really awful fatigue and all over tenderness... if it were not for my child I would not be getting out of bed for days.

And I just want to have the depression lift again like it did. Inexplicably. Like it did.

[Mermaid Kalliope]

Wow.... So, after reading everything... I kind feel bad and such for even wanting to post here. :-/

Reading back, I wanna put this in first: I know I have ADD and I struggle with it everyday. Hindsight is 20/20 and I see myself being distracted. I keep meaning to go to the website, but I, well, get... distracted. Go figure. Also, I have had suicidal tendencies, but have never acted upon them. I still struggle with them from time to time.

Growing up, I've dealt with a mother that has gods know what kind of mental problems, and a brother with a list a mile long that was constantly changing. So, in turn, I had to become the "normal" and "stable" one in the family.... At about eight years old. My father was absent for the first 14 years of my life and my grandma was the closet thing I have to a proper mother. Nothing against my mom, I love her and all, but I'm far much closer to my grandma.

I've always considered myself to be "normal" and not have any problems. How could I? Other than my grandma, I was the only functioning person in our family! But then when I actually moved to live with my grandma and removed myself from the living conditions with my brother and mom... I noticed that I don't quite think the same as everyone else and that I have these... I don't... tendancies? They feel like mood swings, but I've spent the past 16 years or so teaching, training and learning how to not show it. I'm always a happy person. But not on the inside. I just want to break down crying most days, or stab someone. Hardly controllable violent urges to just STAB people or squeeze the life out of my cats. They scare me and I try to ignore them I never talk about them to anyone. In fact, this is the first time I've ever said anything about it.

I'm actually on the verge of crying while typing this... I'm trying not to because my roommate is sitting right here.... Who's another factor in my mentality of "There couldn't possibly be anything wrong with me."

She's one of those people that, well, quite obviously suffers from some sort of mental illness. She's super moody, depressive, anti-social, constantly negative, shuts down, shuts people out.... I could go oooooooooooon.... but how DARE I think that I could possibly think there's something wrong with me. Obviously I'm normal if I don't have all those outward symptoms. It doesn't help that when I try to talk to her about it, she just brushes it off. "No, you can't possibly be bi-polar (which my ex swears I was, but I'm not saying I am)." or "No, you don't have this, you couldn't possibly have that. You're not quite blah blah blah" -.- GEE THANKS. So you're saying that there is NOTHING wrong with me? That EVERYTHING I try to look up couldn't POSSIBLY apply to me, yet she's convinced that she's autistic... I don't get it. I really don't. I have friends who are autistic and I understand that it is a spectrum illness, but I've had people (and a doctor here or there) say that I might be autistic. But, because all I've ever been diagnosed as is ADD(ADHD at times), I don't take anything they say to heart. I don't think I'm autistic, but it just.... It's frustrating that I borderline a lot of things, but the little check boxes never add up to something "being wrong".... It's just like "Oh, you only have two symptoms" or maybe three... Never ever enough to be helped. I just wanna know how to work on my problems with out being told that they aren't BIG enough problems to deal with...

I've hidden so much of myself that I'm not sure how to even go about talking about my problems and what not. :<

Worst of all... I can't even afford to go see a therapist, so I see no point in talking about it if no one I talk to can really help. Augh... I just... I just wanna cry and curl up.

[deepblue]

I'm glad you could come here and get that out.

I don't blame you, having a concern about being labelled. On one hand, it's great that more people understand various parts of the autism spectrum. But like with any diagnoses, if one becomes sort of 'popular' there are always going to be people diagnoses with it who don't actually have it. Because the therapist is missing something, or no good, or whatever.

Personally, I know what my issues are and why, yet I still fit quite a number of criteria for being considered to have Asperger's- but I don't have it. I simply have some of the same characteristics, and if someone did not know my background, they wouldn't understand why and might assume it was Asperger's. One of my best friends has Asperger's though, and I can see our similarities, but we got our characteristics from two totally different things. One small example? I don't make eye contact. It's very rare. It makes me very uncomfy. But for me, that's due to a background of growing up with an abusive father and the particular life I had. For my friend M, it's because she's wired like that.

I recall when Borderline was a popular diagnosis- for the one or two people I knew who genuinely seemed to be Borderline, I knew a bunch of others saddled with the label who went onto be diagnosed with something else. Same with bipolar... for the few people I knew who were diagnosed bipolar and it made sense, there were always people diagnosed with it and then went on to really show they did not have it.

Me, I was misdiagnosed for many years before a doctor got it right, and I can tell you that proper diagnoses for me was a life saver.

Every problem we have is big enough to work on. If something is keeping you unhappy or from fulfilling your potential, it is worth working on. If you can see a therapist, you can be clear- you want talk therapy only. No meds if you don't want them, or at least tell them you don't want to start with that, unless you think you really need it. A diagnosis can be helpful to give a framework of approaching your issues, but it doesn't have to mean medication or limitations.

Chances are, you're just a human being (mer ) dealing with being human in the world and it's not easy. Everyone has problems to work on, and tackling them makes you strong and brave. No one has to know, btw. You don't have to tell anyone your personal business, and if you want to come here and tell us, we'll be supportive.