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Thread: Living with mental health issues

  1. #41
    Thank you, deepblue.

    I'm actually currently in a depressive rut at the moment. Triggered by someone last night. He's pushed me to almost suicidal thoughts. :-( I'm too afraid of dying to try anything, but it doesn't stop me from wanting to be gone...

    Like I said to my friend: (language warning)

    I feel like shit and there's no point in existing. Nothing I do is ever good enough, I'm constantly wondering if I'll have a place to live. Or wondering if I can do something without pissing off my roomate's dad. I just ugh... I've been walking on eggshells for far too long.
    I'm constantly wondering if what I'll do piss someone off. My roommate, her dad, her grandma, my uncle....... I'm just fucking sick of it. I want it to be done. Over. Gone.

    The worst part is, I have no way of getting away.

  2. #42
    That feeling...like you're drowning and the surface is but a dim light above your head as this feeling of overwhelming doom starts to wrap itself around you. But your own words say that you're stronger than you think you are. You realize that you need to escape. People go their whole lifetimes in horrible situations thinking 'this is just the way life is' without the understanding that escape is an option at all. But you know you're better than that. You want more. Maybe you don't know how to get it yet, but you can tell that it's out there and that you deserve it. Oddly enough, from what I can tell from your online persona, I can come to the confident conclusion that you're right.

  3. #43
    Senior Member Rocky Mountain Pod
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    Kailani, I PMed you. Please read and know that I understand. Don't feel guilty for posting here! I'm glad you did! Write me any time.
    Formerly known as NikkiLee

  4. #44
    DexRicon - it took me a few times to understand what you said, but now that I do, thank you. I do feel like there is so much more I could be/do and there should be a way out. I just keep getting put down or knocked back every time I try to make things better or fix things. *sighs*

    Good thing is, suddenly things seem to be getting/looking better for me... so, knock on wood.

  5. #45
    Ahem...just reread what I wrote. Yeah, that was borderline unintelligible. Maybe I shouldn't try to post while exhausted. Happy you understood it though!

  6. #46
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    I'm personally doing a lot better, depression-wise. And the dissociation problems have finally receded- I knew they would after being with my bf for a while, but when going through it, it is such hell. I'm so lucky I landed this guy, and I didn't even 'settle'- he's honestly a total score, including that he's so naturally getting this whole thing with my mental problems. With no experience or background with mental illness at all, he's really just one of those people who gets it.

    Anyway. I am stil depressed a lot but not like it was. I still can't write. All my creativity is gone and it's hard to convince myself it was of any value, even to myself. But at least it's a little better than it was.

    Also, he's freaking taking me to Disneyland tomorrow. !! Haunted Mansion! Pirates of the Carribean! I'm so glad the depression has a lifted a little, I want to enjoy it. And if I'm as depressed as I was, I'd be numb the entire time.

  7. #47
    Now I'm crying. Hang in there everymer! *group hug*
    I'v suffered from so many things throughout my life, although it's now mainly anxiety, depression, aspergers, ADHD, slight agoraphobia, and chronic migraines.
    I'm the same, Kailani. I'm too scared to kill myself, but I sometimes just don't want to live anymore. Sometimes I even wish I were never born.

    We have to be strong. It's not fair, but it's true. There will always be people putting us down for things we can't control, and it hurts!
    So, we have to stay strong. It will all work out eventually. And this shows that there are others out there who struggle in this world, people who understand. People who care.
    Honestly, that's what helps me the most, knowing that people care.
    *Extra cuddly hugs for everyone*
    My dragons:

  8. #48
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    Just an update- things are so much better right now. I've had some pretty bad depression moments but more time without than in months- and the dissociative stuff has nearly gone back into its cave and I'm barely experiencing it. Which is what I've worked for. I only had one brief moment of near-flashback because of some bad lighting, which was just... dumb. The mind can be hella annoying when it's used to going down certain pathways, even while getting used to mostly not. Luckily I have an amazing, truly amazing, boyfriend. He gets everything on such a gut level. It really helps to have that kind of support, and this man who loves me so much and tells me how he wants to get me a tail in the future, once we're settled in a life together. Pretty cool to have someone who supports the mer dreams.

  9. #49
    depression time for me, too, and I haven't found a good therapy yet
    Last edited by Mermaid Adriel; 12-28-2013 at 04:42 PM.
    (Formerly known as Mermaid Claudia)

  10. #50
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    We all have to do whatever we can to support ourselves through these times. I know, sometimes it's impossible. Before I was a mom, I'd spend days in bed, sleeping and barely moving or eating, getting out only to feed and give water to my house rabbits.

    Back then, it was so bad, that's when I first experienced hallucinations related to the serotonin drop. It's weird enough to have hallucinations, almost weirder to know they're hallucinations, but that is (my psych doctor told me) what makes them different from what a schizophrenic person goes through.

    It's been years since I had hallucinations now, though. Things can get better, and I can't even take meds.

  11. #51
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    Two things.

    One- Days like the last few make me so grateful I never killed myself. Which sounds silly but other who have the kind of depression that tells you to go find a way to die understand how much work it takes to ignore that voice, remind yourself that depression is a lying bastard, and keep going. It's the good days like these that I use as ammo when in the worst of it. When all my brain will do is take the light from me- everything literally appears darker to my eyes- and removes all tastes- nothing tastes of anything, my favorite foods are like ash to taste, there is no flavor- and not even 300mg of caffeine can increase my heart rate because the depression is so fucking bad... I remember these days and that life still comes with enough of these to make it worth fighting, even after all this time.

    Incidentally that also reminds me how people without depression do not fecking get it. People who think you can snap out of it or think yourself into a better mood have never experienced what it is to someone with severe depression, and some of them have no clue that there is a different paradigm for some than what exists in their brain, and we have to ignore their incredibly ill informed, myopic suggestions and (hopefully) take them as intended, with care.

    Two- I may have severe depression, and dissociative disorders and PTSD, but you know... sometimes you will see a so-called 'sane' or 'normal' person go totally insane over something and all I can think is... at least I'm not crazy. Crazy is as crazy does. I know schizophrenics who're more sane than some of what I've seen so many so called normal people do.

    Seriously, this shit is all subjective. There's not really anything *wrong* with any of us, esp when compared to those who seem to have no self-awareness and live their lives in what certainly looks from the outside like a constant shade of chaos, attempting to make molehills into mountains just so they (perhaps) don't have to stop and look at how messed up the real stuff is that they're not dealing with.

    Verbose, yes, but I think people in this thread understand where I am coming from. My so called sane, brilliant father who created weapons of mass destruction was a brutal madman. I'm considered mentally ill, and I literally go out of my way to not hurt a fly. lol
    Last edited by deepblue; 01-20-2014 at 02:30 PM.

  12. #52
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    My friend killed himself. I'm so sad, not just for the loss of this guy, but because... all the years I've fought to stay alive and ignore the urges that so many of us with severe depression understand, I was able to. I've been so close- not for a few years now, which is great- but I have been so close and I was always able somehow to tell myself, don't do this, things might get better, and you'd hate to miss that. What if things get better, and you're not there to see it. And the depression would lie and say it's not going to get better. But still, between having house rabbits who depended on me and a mom who'd be devastated, somehow I was able to not ever take things that far. I had a psych doc once who'd ask, "Your next appt is in a week, are you going to try to kill yourself before then?" And I'd say no, and he'd ask "Why not?" and I always answered the same, "I might get better, and I don't want to miss it."

    My friend didn't give himself that chance. While I understand the illness that made him not give himself the chance to see a better day from the perspective of one who's been in that same awful place so often... I am so heartbroken for him and his family. His twin brother, his friends. Things might have gotten better, Ash. I never thought they would. And on good days, I am so grateful I was able to not listen to the lies in my head. He wasn't able to do that. Rest in peace.

    *triple post because no one else has posted here. And that's good- it might mean people are having a better mental time right now. I am. I'm just so very sad.
    Last edited by deepblue; 02-02-2014 at 01:28 PM.

  13. #53
    Blue... You need a really big hug right now. I've lost friends as well. Not from depression but unknown causes.
    Ive also been in your situation where I was in a constant cycle of depression and contemplating suicide. I understand completely how you must feel. It's a vicious never ending cycle.

    If you wana talk about it some more u can pm ne
    The SeaGlass Siren

  14. #54
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    Ah, thanks SeaGlass. I've been dealing with it since I was 9 years old, but consistently since I was 14, so I am grateful to have what I think is a pretty good handle on it now. My docs think it was caused primarily by the massive amt of steroids I was on growing up- for asthma. My sisters and I were all raised in the same messed up household, but I'm the only who got depression.

    You're right, though, I seriously needed hugs today. Thank goodness my bf was here, and he kept checking on me, and making sure I was okay. He knows I have what I do in my past, and he knows this death affected me on a couple levels. *hug*

    One of the things that I keep thinking about... well, two things. One, my friend J (a gay man) has been in love with the guy for like ten years. One time he told J that if it weren't for his religion, he'd be J's lover... and a week later he said he'd rather kill himself than be gay. The other is that he was into me for a long time, wanted to ask me out but J told him it was a bad idea. I'm a big ol Pagan and Ash was a big time God and Jesus guy. And I wasn't interested in more than friendship, so I kept a certain distance. He was super nice, but I couldn't take his approach, so I kept that distance and never got very close. Still, he spilled a lot to me once and it cemented it for me. That distance was best- he was very good looking, and it was tempting but he and I would have been so wrong. So I never got to know him like I could have, but I did know him and see him a few times a month for almost 10 years. He was a friend.
    Last edited by deepblue; 02-03-2014 at 03:29 AM.

  15. #55
    aw..

    i have a similar situation to yours. i remember when i had a mild concussion on my head in grade 11-12. and then a year later that's when the vicious cycle started. i had a friend like that too but he stopped contacting me after i proposed to my hubby. now it's like our friendship never existed. i liked him in the 9th grade, but then after when i started dating my hubby that's when he decided to return the feelings :| but i kept my distance like you did. he hasn't died God forbid but it seems like he's in a depressive state. he never comes out, he doesn't talk to anyone unless he wants to, he stopped working and coming out of his room... i'm seriously worried about him. ad i keep having recurring dreams about him that started in grade 11.

    that's great your boyfriend was there. emotional support (y)
    The SeaGlass Siren

  16. #56
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    Tonight's club night, we're going dancing at the usual venue. Normally, I'd see Ash there, as I have every club for ten years.

    The DJ's going to say something about his loss... I don't know what, but I trust her. His twin brother and sis-in-law will be there.

    This is not going to be easy.

  17. #57
    was everything alright?
    The SeaGlass Siren

  18. #58
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    It was very difficult. A lot harder than I thought it would be. When we walked in, they shortly thereafter played a song that reminds me strongly of my friend Carla, who died in 2009. I had a friend die in November, who I found out about in December, one week after my friend Jesse died in December. Then in January, Ash killed himself. So not only was I grieving Ash's loss, but I don't think a lot of people would have been doing all that well. I have the added difficulty of no longer being dissociative most of the time and I have to navigate and cope with emotions and the like that I am not used to really being hit with like this. Which is good, it's life and I like being present. It's just that it still feels new when it's powerful stuff. But my BF is awesome and was there for me, as always.

    I kept thinking I saw Ash, because a few guys there have a similar style- it's a dance club, so there's a lot of black jeans and sleeveless ts, to keep cool. I couldn't even get into dancing til Midnight. I was just... gah, my eyes kept getting teary, I miss him. And he would have loved last night- a guest DJ was the guy who created a musical project I know he loves. I ended up going out into the nice cold night air for a few minutes, and was able to go back in in a better head space. His twin bro didn't end up going, apparently, and the DJ ended up not saying anything about him. Maybe she couldn't think of anything to say.

    So yeah it sucked and it was also great because I know if anyone would want everyone to keep dancing, it's him.

  19. #59
    aw...
    The SeaGlass Siren

  20. #60
    Well I spent a good chunk of last year in hospital due to my mental health issues, so I can relate. I have Asperger's, severe depression and anxiety, (which I have had for most of my life, not just a seasonal thing) and what they think is some sort of personality disorder but they can't really categorise me.

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