
Originally Posted by
Merman Dylan
I'm 20 years old. I can't wait until my mom helps me remodel my room. I'm thinking of cleaning it so I can get my room remodeled and lock myself in there. If my sister pisses off my brother again. I'm not going to get in a fight with him to help her out. I say this now, but I just know in my heart that I can't watch my brother harm her if he loses it again. You know, it's the funniest thing to me when I think about it. I wish they would realize that the only reason I might do less for them than before is because of how nasty they chose to be. I mean, I think it's amazing I still do anything to help them after being called all those insults. I probably have gotten a bit lazier but helping someone who thinks it's okay to walk all over you and take the my way or the highway attitude doesn't deserve my help. I won't sit by and watch a fight between siblings, but I'll be damned to hell before I go out of my way to help someone who insults me and tries to blackmail me like she did. I don't know how she got the pictures she got because there is no way I harmed her in a mood swing, and even if I did, I'm sure I was fighting within the prison of my own mind to stop myself. That's why I held back the last time she instigated a fight. The text I sent her had threats like I'll hurt you or your cat or I'll kill you, but I was angry. After a minute or two, I sent her a text that said that I could never do any of that, and I said I was running away. I actually ended up spending the night sleeping in my car until really late before coming back home to sleep in my own bed. I just think it was really low of her to try and twist me into some abusive person because of my mental disorder while pointing out as many flaws as she could about me. It took a lot of will power to stick to what I was asking her. It's like I said before. I don't ask for much. I just want them to respect my belongings and not do stuff that puts them at risk of getting broken. If they listened to me and left my computer alone while they cleaned, I wouldn't have this thought in my head that they could be responsible for my charger braking like it did. I was luckily to find one for 30 something dollars. That one was marked down because someone opened it. Obviously the universe isn't out to get me because I've done something wrong. You know, Karma. The only time I've ever gotten upset with someone enough to give them a hard time is because they deserve it. My bipolar doesn't spontaneously happen. For me to get angry in a mood swing way, it has to be triggered by something someone else does. It's never one sided. It's never just me that's the problem. However, if I get upset about anything, my family is all to happy to make up some kind of excuse to twist it into it being my fault. I sometimes can't even express my frustration about anything because my older brother tells me to shut up from another room when it doesn't concern him, and he threatens to get physical because he lacks the ability to argue his own view on things. It used to be easier for me to let this go, but now, the second they insist on me shutting up instead of letting me express my issues with something because they don't think I have any grounds or right to express them. I can feel a bipolar mood swing getting triggered. It isn't me, but they are provoking such negative emotions inside me without remorse that I can barely hold it back and under control. Last time I snapped out of a moodswing on my own, I was shaking like I was having a seizure. They are doing this so often, I think it could kill me to try and snap myself out of a mood swing. They won't let me express anything, and this negativity continues to build inside. My sister has no idea how exhausting it is for me to hold myself back when she tries to fight with me over stupid stuff. I moved my computer into my room to get some peace away from them, but I need a way to let this negativity go before I explode. I don't want to let it loose in a destructive way, but I can already feel it trying to break through. I think bits and pieces of it have already begun to surge out. I try to stay positive. I try to stay focused on the good things in life. I just can't escape the negativity surging toward me. I know life is full of ups and down, but I just wish I didn't have to deal with any of this.
Bookmarks