B!TC# IT OUT!

[Adalira]

Ok......i am seriously stressed out right now!
My dad wrote a book about his life as a record label boss (he is retired now) and will have a book release party in september.
Weeks ago i thought to myself:' Should i perform a song or something?" Not because i want to, but because i felt it was expected of me.
I quickly dismissed the thought because i hate hate hate having to perform at parties and events.
Always when we are asked to come to a party of friends, or when my parents threw a party in the past i always had to perform and i hated it.
I was a nervous wreck for days and completly nervous at the party/event itself not being able to enjoy any of the party because of it.
I have literally begged my family in the past to please not make me perform at parties or events and i always had to.
They were alway like:" Why are you like this? Don;t be so silly. Why are you making problems? It's just a little performance and you would make them so happy. If you don't do it, they will be so dissapointed."
So tonight my brother calls me that dad left him in charge of working on the release party because apparently my dad wants it to be a complete night in his honor with all kinds of people performing and he wants me to sing some of the songs he wrote.
I told my brother that i don't want to do it and he was all surprised even though he knows i HATE performing at parties.
He was like:" But if dad wants you to do this for him, then why would you not do it?"
Starting the guilt trip on me.
I explained to my brother again how much i hate performing at parties because of how nervous i get and that i would not be able to enjoy the party at all, knowing i would have to perform.
My voice is getting worse and worse each year. I can hardly keep a good tone when i sing.
And i think it is because everytime i do perform it is when i do not want to, in a stressfull situation.
I don;t even want to be and sing in the shows anymore with my parents, i wanted to quit 10 years ago already and have not been able to.
I really dislike being on stage anymore and performing.
My brother is the total opposite.
He and his wife want to be in the spotlight every day and all day if possible. They always want to be the center of attention.
I would much rather be backstage and serving drinks and foods for the guests.
I know they will not understand and if i don;t perform they will be upset with me, will be a dissapointment, their friends will keep asking me why i am not singing.
If i do perform i will be a nervous wreck (making my voice sound even worse) all night and not enjoy myself at all.
So either way i can not win

[Lotus the Mermaid]

Ok......i am seriously stressed out right now!
My dad wrote a book about his life as a record label boss (he is retired now) and will have a book release party in september.
Weeks ago i thought to myself:' Should i perform a song or something?" Not because i want to, but because i felt it was expected of me.
I quickly dismissed the thought because i hate hate hate having to perform at parties and events.
Always when we are asked to come to a party of friends, or when my parents threw a party in the past i always had to perform and i hated it.
I was a nervous wreck for days and completly nervous at the party/event itself not being able to enjoy any of the party because of it.
I have literally begged my family in the past to please not make me perform at parties or events and i always had to.
They were alway like:" Why are you like this? Don;t be so silly. Why are you making problems? It's just a little performance and you would make them so happy. If you don't do it, they will be so dissapointed."
So tonight my brother calls me that dad left him in charge of working on the release party because apparently my dad wants it to be a complete night in his honor with all kinds of people performing and he wants me to sing some of the songs he wrote.
I told my brother that i don't want to do it and he was all surprised even though he knows i HATE performing at parties.
He was like:" But if dad wants you to do this for him, then why would you not do it?"
Starting the guilt trip on me.
I explained to my brother again how much i hate performing at parties because of how nervous i get and that i would not be able to enjoy the party at all, knowing i would have to perform.
My voice is getting worse and worse each year. I can hardly keep a good tone when i sing.
And i think it is because everytime i do perform it is when i do not want to, in a stressfull situation.
I don;t even want to be and sing in the shows anymore with my parents, i wanted to quit 10 years ago already and have not been able to.
I really dislike being on stage anymore and performing.
My brother is the total opposite.
He and his wife want to be in the spotlight every day and all day if possible. They always want to be the center of attention.
I would much rather be backstage and serving drinks and foods for the guests.
I know they will not understand and if i don;t perform they will be upset with me, will be a dissapointment, their friends will keep asking me why i am not singing.
If i do perform i will be a nervous wreck (making my voice sound even worse) all night and not enjoy myself at all.
So either way i can not win

Oh no! I'm so sorry you're dealing with this pressure from your fam. It sounds like you may be an introvert in a family of extroverts. They may not be able to understand you, but they can't make you do anything either! I know it feels terrible to say no to family, but sometimes it's the healthiest and best thing you can do for yourself! You can offer to help in other ways, since you said you still want to, but you're an adult so you can show love to your family without following every command or suggestion. I hope that helps.

Honestly, if it makes you feel better, I took the Myers-Briggs personality test and it helps me to explain my personal strengths and weaknesses to others who may or may not understand why I do things the way I do them. (I'm an ISFP).

It may help! Here's a link to the test I took:

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes1.htm

I seriously recommend this to everyone I know. It helps so much in relationships. In the meantime, I'll be praying that it all works out!

[Celaeno]

Tell them you have laryngitis and can't sing. <3
I'm so sorry your family puts so much pressure on you to perform. That sucks.

[Adalira]

Thank you Lotus and Celaeno for your help and advice.
I took the personality test the same night you wrote about it. But i was so tired that i did not get half the questions.
So i took it again this morning and now took the time for it and understood each question properly.
I am an INTJ
Not sure i agree with the career choices they give because i love being creative, just don't want to be in the spotlight with it.
But it was very helpful and i hope my hubby will take it as well.
Thank you so much for sharing that Lotus!

[Mermaid Lorelei]

I'm an INFJ and I completely understand where you are coming from Adalira. Unless I'm playing as a character and am simply having fun being someone different (like Mermaid Lorelei) then I hate being on stage. Honestly, don't let them pressure you into this. Take a moment and speak to your father about it. Let him know that you are incredibly happy for him and would love to do something special, but singing just isn't the way to go about it. I suggest giving options of other things you can do at the same time. This way your dad knows that you mean well and you bypass your brother, who doesn't seem to understand (and you're not doing this for him anyways).

[Mermaid Lilium]

I second the sore throat thing.... Go find someone who is sick and spend as much time as possible with them in the run up to the event XD then you have a guilt trip free reason not to perform

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

[Echidna]

I took the personality test the same night you wrote about it. But i was so tired that i did not get half the questions.
So i took it again this morning and now took the time for it and understood each question properly.
I am an INTJ
Not sure i agree with the career choices they give because i love being creative, just don't want to be in the spotlight with it.

ho-hum.
I know that test you mention, I took it twice.
I seriously have no idea why some people give sooo much credit to stuff like psych tests (or psychology itself, for that matter.
It's not a science, it's a big scramble of weird ideas, most of which were conceived several centuries ago.)

Imo, that test is garbage.
I'm sure you can find out what you are good at and want to do without it

Anyway.
Your family sounds self-centered and used to getting their way.
Why would they guilt-bully you into something you don't want?
They do it because it has always worked for them in the past.

Please woman up, tell them you said no and that's the final word.
And no getting yourself sick deliberately to be able to say no.
You can say no because you want to, and no other reason.
Sheesh.

[Lotus the Mermaid]

ho-hum.
I know that test you mention, I took it twice.
I seriously have no idea why some people give sooo much credit to stuff like psych tests (or psychology itself, for that matter.
It's not a science, it's a big scramble of weird ideas, most of which were conceived several centuries ago.)

Imo, that test is garbage.
I'm sure you can find out what you are good at and want to do without it

Anyway.
Your family sounds self-centered and used to getting their way.
Why would they guilt-bully you into something you don't want?
They do it because it has always worked for them in the past.

Please woman up, tell them you said no and that's the final word.
And no getting yourself sick deliberately to be able to say no.
You can say no because you want to, and no other reason.
Sheesh.

A lot of people feel this way. I've found it really helpful. It's not a study or subject that appeals to everyone, but it's helped me and a lot of people I know so I hope it helps you, Mermaid Adalira!

[Sabrina the Selkie]

I almost always get something different on the Meyers-Briggs because I'm somewhere between it all. Like, I'd usually rather read than party but I like crowds and am vaguely comfortable in the spotlight.
So I get always either INFJ or ENTJ the only piece that's really concrete is intuition.

[Adalira]

Thank you everyone.
I don't know how to do the double or triple quote thing lol so i will reply in here to each personally.
Thank you mermaid Lorelai and yes you hit the hammer on the nail there... playing a character or being on stage in front of strangers and getting paid for it as a job is a whole lot different then to have to perform in front of family and friends at something so intimate, just a totally different story and it is something i hate and scares me as well.
I was actually thinking of offering to bake 1100 cupcakes for the guests.
Me and my hubby can bake both 100 cupcakes (or more) and bake some pies and cakes.
We can even custom make the cupcakes with decorations on them in tune of the theme of the night.
I am hoping that will be a good substitute for it.

Lol Mermaid Lilium! Even though it is a good idea it is not waterproof. If i do not catch whatever i am trying to catch i am screwed

@ Echidna, i talked to a friend of mine tonight about it and i told her about the test that Lotus provided and the career choices that popped out and she said she agrees with the career choices.
She can totally see me doing law and things it will be a great career for me because my personality, as she knows it, fits so well with it.
I can see where she is coming from when she explained it. But i am 32 right now and do not feel it is my path to start completly over with a new study that will take years and cost a small fortune.
The career choices that they showed are things i never thought about myself, ever, simply because of my family i stayed into showbusiness and never thought of other careers.
The way my personality was written was not spot on from the test but boy oh boy it did come close!
My family is the type that always wants to be the center of attention and always wants to be in the spotlight, they like showing off in every way.
So having me perform there is another way of showing off to others.
Look at what my daughter can, look at what my son can do, look how well we can cook, look at how great we are as artists, look at how succesfull we are etc etc etc.
And i am the complete opposite.
I don't want to be the center of attention, i don't want to brag because i don't feel the need for it. I am content with who i am and don't need to tell others about it.
I am not sure when to talk to my parents, i will be in the car with my mom tomorrow to go to the butcher. I may bring it up with her and see how she reacts although she is the person who always pushed me so i think it is better to simply talk to my dad about it.

@ Lotus i am happy you gave me the test because it does make me look at myself a bit better. For instance my friend telling me she can totally see me work in the legal system is an eye opener and means it is time to explore "me" a bit more. I may have a very narrow minded view of myself because of what others (aka my family) have been telling me.
So thank you agai :-)

[Celaeno]

UGH!!! I do NOT understand how a friend of mine who is a feminist can be married to a man who vehemently argues that rape culture doesn't exist and spouts MRA bullshit. What level of cognitive dissonance does maintaining that relationship require?

[ShyKaiju]

UGH!!! I do NOT understand how a friend of mine who is a feminist can be married to a man who vehemently argues that rape culture doesn't exist and spouts MRA bullshit. What level of cognitive dissonance does maintaining that relationship require?

What kinda stuff does he say?

[Celaeno]

Literally "there's no such thing as rape culture" because rape isn't socially acceptable and rapists go to jail(um, like less than a percent of them, but sure...), feminists are shrill and just love to link everything to rape culture, false accusations of rape are the real problem, the culture of expecting women to change their demeanor/dress/habits/etc. are acceptable 'preventative measures' against rape that in no way create a culture where the onus of preventing rape is solely on the shoulders of women.

[Celaeno]

Like, racism isn't 'socially acceptable' either, but it is tacitly accepted and we do absolutely live in a culture where people of color are oppressed and killed/imprisoned at an astronomically disproportionate rate than whites. Likewise, rape is tacitly accepted as a part of modern life and women are socialized to expect it and take steps to "prevent" it, rather than our society taking an active role in teaching men to respect the bodily autonomy of others.

Maybe they were married before she knew this side of him, but honestly for me that would be a major freaking deal-breaker.

[Echidna]

I almost always get something different on the Meyers-Briggs because I'm somewhere between it all. Like, I'd usually rather read than party but I like crowds and am vaguely comfortable in the spotlight.
So I get always either INFJ or ENTJ the only piece that's really concrete is intuition.

same, I get vastly different results each time, but I'm just as likely to do one thing as the other.
I find this thing very pseudo-sciency and inaccurate, but if it's helpful for someone, good for them!

[Celaeno]

same, I get vastly different results each time, but I'm just as likely to do one thing as the other.
I find this thing very pseudo-sciency and inaccurate, but if it's helpful for someone, good for them!

Agreed. I think it's helpful for people who do recognize themselves in the descriptions, the way any personality test can be helpful by sort of holding a mirror up and reflecting them back to themselves to look at objectively, but I don't think there's any overall consistent "truth" in any of these kinds of tests. Very much a 'your mileage may vary' situation. If it helps you think critically and objectively about your preferences, actions, and emotions, then awesome and helpful.

[Mermaid Mystery]

good lord is he stupid. I can think of one rape case where the rapist confessed and was given a pat on the back and was set free.

[Sabrina the Selkie]

Gods that's awful, Celaeno.

On a similar topic, I had to explain to a man at my library that books with strong female main characters are hard to find because they're not as frequently published and subsequently not as frequently written.

He'd been looking for something for his daughter.
"The things you learn when you're the father of a girl," he said. I'll never forget the crestfallen look on his face. I'd bet money that he'll end up a total feminist by the end of it all.

I helped him find a few books where gender was well represented and that was that.

Again on the topic of Meyer's Briggs, I just retook it, got INFP, and I think that's probably the most accurate result I've ever gotten, but the analysis is still not quite me.

[Sabrina the Selkie]

I'm glad Meyers-Briggs helps people though.

[Celaeno]

I'm sad that for so many men it takes having a daughter to recognize this crap. I wish we had more male allies who cared because we're people, not because we're their daughter/sister/wife/mother/friend.