Asexuality

[Princess Kae-Leah]

OK, I'm biting the bullet by starting a thread about something that's very personal to me, my sexuality, or rather the lack thereof, asexuality. Contrary to popular belief, not all humans are sexual beings. At least one percent of the population doesn't experience sexual attraction at all, and I am part of that one percent, and proud of it. Being asexual is a huge part of my identity and as a writer, influences me so much because I'm determined to write entertaining books with no sex in them. Feel free to ask me any questions you like about being "ace", provided they are respectful and don't disobey any Forum rules.

P.S.: I may not swim, but I am the ultimate mermaid, because fish are asexual and so am I. Don't get me starting on the whole "seductive siren" stereotype, I hate it when something I love is associated with sexuality!

[mikamer]

How do you know you're asexual? I don't mean that as a jib at you either, Im sincerely asking and Im sure this is the stereotypical question people ask but do you ever wonder if it's just a matter of not meeting anyone who attracts you? I was celibate and single for years and I thought I might be asexual simply because nothing interested me or turned me on but then I met someone who seriously changed it all for me. Id be interested in hearing more, it's something I looked up a lot online a few years ago. I think some people just say they are for attention though sometimes.

[malinghi]

[Moonflower]

I've never heard that fish are asexual before. Where are you getting your information?

[Spindrift]

I think it's because they lay eggs and don't have sex.

[Spindrift]

Oh hey. Ralph Nader. I thought about interning for Public Citizenship once. But I thought that him being asexual was just an urban myth?

[Princess Kae-Leah]

How do you know you're asexual? I don't mean that as a jib at you either, Im sincerely asking and Im sure this is the stereotypical question people ask but do you ever wonder if it's just a matter of not meeting anyone who attracts you? I was celibate and single for years and I thought I might be asexual simply because nothing interested me or turned me on but then I met someone who seriously changed it all for me. Id be interested in hearing more, it's something I looked up a lot online a few years ago. I think some people just say they are for attention though sometimes.

For me, I've known I was asexual since I first found out about "the birds and the bees". I was like "ew, I never want to do that!", but my parents and everyone else I said that too was sure I'd grow out of that. But you know what? I never did. I don't want to get into too much TMI stuff, which I know is easy as pie to do considering the subject matter of this thread, but let's just say I'm a grown woman who is at an age where most people have had at least a handful of intimate relationships, but I've never, EVER been interested in being close to anyone sexually. Now, goodness knows I honestly love being the center of attention as much as any other mer here, but asexuality is definitely not a plea for attention for me, it's something that I've known I was before I even knew there was a word for it, if that makes any sense. Thanks for your honest question, dahling! I think the only way a thread like this is gonna work is if it remains an honest yet civil discussion, and it's looks like you've gotten off on that right track.

[Princess Kae-Leah]

[QUOTE=Spindrift;1526]Oh hey. Ralph Nader. I thought about interning for Public Citizenship once. But I thought that him being asexual was just an urban myth?

I personally wouldn't care either way if he was or wasn't. I know his name does come up when people think of asexuality. The late Michael Jackson is another possibly asexual "candidate". I can't off the top of my head think of any celebs where we can be 100% percent sure they're ace though.

And as for fish being asexual, you got it Spindrift! Now, I'm not even close to a biologist or any other kind of scientist for that matter, so after reviewing the "asexual reproduction" article on good 'ol Wikipedia, maybe fish aren't technically considered asexual, at least not all kinds(apparently certain kinds of sharks have shown truly asexual reproduction), but the point is, they don't mate and reproduce like humans and other mammals do, therefore I've always felt a weird kinship with sea creatures(part of the reason for my seafood-free diet) that is hard to explain without having someone wanting to put me in a rubber room, but I digress. That's why I never understood why mermaids can be such a sexualized symbol for some people, when we're not even "compatible".

[New York Mermaid]

Good for you for being your own person : , As a fellow mermaid I dont think about the whole "sexual thing" of mermaids ,but its just known that mermaids are beautiful creatures. And you are as every one here is, a beautiful person. You made a choice and stuck to it and that speaks volumes. Im a proud married woman and yet my husband is my bestest friend (wow i channeled my inner 7yr old) We were best friends for 5 yrs before any dating and marriage and he still continues to be my best friend.

[Princess Kae-Leah]

Good for you for being your own person : , As a fellow mermaid I dont think about the whole "sexual thing" of mermaids ,but its just known that mermaids are beautiful creatures. And you are as every one here is, a beautiful person. You made a choice and stuck to it and that speaks volumes. Im a proud married woman and yet my husband is my bestest friend (wow i channeled my inner 7yr old) We were best friends for 5 yrs before any dating and marriage and he still continues to be my best friend.

Thanks for you support, dahling! It sounds like you and your hubby have a lovely relationship.

[Psychic Tideborn]

As a very sexual bisexual man i found this topic interesting. It is a completely new topic for me and so i decided to research it a bit. Asexuality is pretty much the exact opposite of what I am and so I was very intrigued by what I found. Of course the first website that popped up for me was http://www.asexuality.org which is a website for many people asexual and sexual alike to become a community and learn more about this sexual orientation. I found this and was a little confused and i suppose still am a bit and the side note at the bottom made me laugh XD
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OVERVIEW
An asexual is someone who does not experience sexual attraction. Unlike celibacy, which people choose, asexuality is an intrinsic part of who we are. Asexuality does not make our lives any worse or any better, we just face a different set of challenges than most sexual people. There is considerable diversity among the asexual community; each asexual person experiences things like relationships, attraction, and arousal somewhat differently. Asexuality is just beginning to be the subject of scientific research.

Relationships
Asexual people have the same emotional needs as anyone else, and like in the sexual community we vary widely in how we fulfill those needs. Some asexual people are happier on their own, others are happiest with a group of close friends. Other asexual people have a desire to form more intimate romantic relationships, and will date and seek long-term partnerships. Asexual people are just as likely to date sexual people as we are to date each other.

Sexual or nonsexual, all relationships are made up of the same basic stuff. Communication, closeness, fun, humor, excitement and trust all happen just as much in sexual relationships as in nonsexual ones. Unlike sexual people, asexual people are given few expectations about the way that our intimate relationships will work. Figuring out how to flirt, to be intimate, or to be monogamous in a nonsexual relationships can be challenging, but free of sexual expectations we can form relationships in ways that are grounded in our individual needs and desires.

Attraction
Many asexual people experience attraction, but we feel no need to act out that attraction sexually. Instead we feel a desire to get to know someone, to get close to them in whatever way works best for us. Asexual people who experience attraction will often be attracted to a particular gender, and will identify as lesbian, gay, bi, or straight.

Arousal
For some sexual arousal is a fairly regular occurrence, though it is not associated with a desire to find a sexual partner or partners. Some will occasionally masturbate, but feel no desire for partnered sexuality. Other asexual people experience little or no arousal. Because we don’t care about sex, asexual people generally do not see a lack of sexual arousal as a problem to be corrected, and focus their energy on enjoying other types of arousal and pleasure.

Note: People do not need sexual arousal to be healthy, but in a minority of cases a lack of arousal can be the symptom of a more serious medical condition. If you do not experience sexual arousal or if you suddenly lose interest in sex you should probably check with a doctor just to be safe.

Identity
Most people on AVEN have been asexual for our entire lives. Just as people will rarely and unexpectedly go from being straight to gay, asexual people will rarely and unexpectedly become sexual or vice versa. Another small minority will think of themselves as asexual for a brief period of time while exploring and questioning their own sexuality.

There is no litmus test to determine if someone is asexual. Asexuality is like any other identity- at its core, it’s just a word that people use to help figure themselves out. If at any point someone finds the word asexual useful to describe themselves, we encourage them to use it for as long as it makes sense to do so.
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I was also reading a bit more about Asexual couples. It's interesting to see that a lot of these couples stay together for a long time because they are solely together because of each others personalities and what they get from the other person emotionally rather than physically. It seems like if more people, and I am a firm believer in this, had relationships where they didn't have sex, their relationships may last longer. I know to many people who are in relationships that are primarily based on sex and at some point the sex gets old and the two people find out they are not as compatible as they once thought. Animals who do mate, especially males, are wired for variety. And humans are no exception. Yes humans are capable of, and in most religions expected to find one person and "mate for life". But honestly how many other animals do this? (Besides Penguins, who, while cute and adorable, are almost like God's cruel little joke) Many animals like dogs, cats, horses etc... mate with many many different "partners" and go on with their lives. Other animals, like coral, clams, etc... do not actually mate. They don't have "partners" and they live either solitary lives or live in groups. It's funny to me how the human race seems to mimic the rest of nature in our baser animalistic natures, but yet we fight it because we are "evolved" and for some reason believe we have grown past all of that. People are silly lol. Sorry for my crazy banter but I thought this topic was pretty interesting and i wanted to put my 2 cents in XD Even if I kind of went a bit off topic for a moment XD Hope no one throws a rock at me!!

[AniaR]

I wonder about birds for that matter, they have mating rituals but they fetilize externally too...

[Taylor is a Mermaid]

Some male birds do have phalluses and mate like mammals, but most don't. And Psychic Tideborn I know swans mate for life, as do some wolves. In fact I think it's no wonder dogs are so easily domesticated and integrated into human life; the wolf and wild dog social structures are very close to human nuclear families.

But I'm getting off topic here. Kae-Leah, I honestly can't wrap my head around asexuality. There are lots of questions I'd like to ask you, but I think they would be too prying/personal. I do respect you being so honest and open about your choice, though.

[Princess Kae-Leah]

@Psychic Tideborn, thanks for the plug for AVEN, one of my favorite websites!

@Taylor, you're not alone by any means and I'm not offended, our world is so obsessed with sexuality that it's hard for a lot of people to swallow that a concept like asexuality could actually exist, and that's why I created this thread. I'd like to open people's eyes to something that is a lot more common than they think(1% of the population is still millions of people around the world!).
If it helps, I'll try to give my answer to some of the FAQs that tend to get thrown at aces a lot, which may or may not be what you were thinking?:
*Have you ever been sexually abused?
Nope, definitely not, and neither have most people who identify as asexual.
*Are you sure you're not just a repressed lesbian?
I'm sure! I'd no more rather be sexually involved with a woman than a man. No offense to anybody, I'm a big supporter of LGTBA rights.
*Were you raised in a highly religious environment that taught you to view sexuality negatively?
Well, honestly, I WAS raised in a pretty conservative Pentecostal church, but I don't think religion has anything to do with my asexuality, and, hey, my Pentecostal father was more freaked out about my asexuality than anybody else.
*Do you, well, you know, it starts with M?
I have before, honestly, but I haven't done it in a long time. I think it's a real waste of time, frankly.
*Are you sure you just haven't met the right person yet? Are you sure you're not just a "late bloomer"?
Well, I can't see into the future any more than anyone else can, but I'm pretty sure I'm too old to be a late bloomer. I've heard on AVEN that the great thing about getting older when you're ace is that ppl ask you that question less and less.
*If you've never had sex, how do you know you won't like it? Don't knock it till you tried it!
There's a lot of other things that I've never done, that I'm sure I wouldn't enjoy, like stuffing dirty socks in my mouth or drinking chlorine bleach mixed with water. Again, no offense to anybody, I certainly wouldn't wish the whole world was asexual, because, then, let's face it, none of us would be here!
*What's it like being asexual in a world so preoccupied with sex? It must be so hard!
Yes, believe me, it is, but I manage the best I can. I choose my RL friends pretty carefully and I've learned to be very selective in the movies and TV shows I watch and the books I read, which is hard because we all know that sex sells in entertainment. BTW, anyone have any recommendations for good, sex-free Paranormal Romance books?
*Even though you obviously don't have sex, do you still date and develop romantic relationships? If not, are ever really lonely?
I personally don't date or have relationships, at least not at this time in my life, and yes, I honestly do feel really lonely sometimes, though I don't think my asexuality is the only thing to blame there.

[Princess Kae-Leah]

Whoa boy, I keep re-editing and re-posting cuz I have so much to say, but I don't wanna offend anybody or cause more drama. I guess I'll go with more FAQs, and my honest, self-analytical responses:
*Do you think being ace makes you more special and important than others here?
I never consciously thought that, no, but I do think now that saying that "I'm the ultimate mer 'cause I'm ace" probably wasn't the best way to put it, because it implies that being ace makes me more of a "real" mer. Constantly whining about how hard it is to be ace could also make me seem inconsiderate of others' problems and self-absorbed. I'm an Aspie through and through, and the hardest part of socializing for me is the "give and take" of being part of a conversation.
*What can we do to support Asexual Acceptance?
I think the most important thing someone can do to support Asexual Acceptance is to simply admit that asexuality exists and is just as real and legitimate of an orientation as being gay, straight, or bi is and it's NOT a matter of just not having found the right person yet, being a late bloomer, being repressed, etc. If you're involved with an LGBT rights organization, I recommend changing that the acronym to "LGBTA". And, yes, aces don't have the government deciding whether or not they can marry or adopt children, etc., so I do think that if you feel there are more pressing human rights causes out there, you're probably right. Being ace may not by any means always be the easiest thing in the world, but I think that, sure, implying that we have it the hardest probably comes off as insensitive and self-centered.

[merboy78xy]

This is still off the subject a bit, but I wanted to comment on Psychic Tideborn's post...
I have had MANY different types of relationships, from platonic to romantic (though no sex), to "one night stands," to "one nighters" that turned into relationships, to open relationships, to polyamorous relationships! I found that for me: sex didn't matter. Either the relationship was good and we were a good fit, or we weren't. I think that's what it came down to in the end (at least for me).
I think that you can easily love someone, or have a great sexual chemistry, but if the fit isn't good-- it won't matter. I have had friends in serious abusive relationships, and I KNOW they loved them. But they CLEARLY were not a good fit. SO it would appear that love is neither here nor there. It's ALL IMPORTANT in this world-- but I don't think is necessarily what will make or break a relationship. (Obviously, if you don't love someone or they don't love you, a romantic relationship will be rather difficult...)
ALSO, I wanted to post about monogamy in the animal kingdom. True, there are certain animals that tend to mate for life: swans, albatross, etc. But in general, you can look at families of animals to see a "trend." Interestingly-- we are the only "ape" in the ape family (if you believe in evolution) that attempts monogamy. The other live in a harem society: Alpha male with a group of females dedicated to him.
It also seems coincidental that even in our society, it seems that (to generalize or perhaps stereotype) women wish to settle down with one person to love forever, and men are known for being sexual pigs who want to "sow their wild oats" with anything that moves. Hehehehe.
So in MY opinion, I think that we have evolved to a point of choice. And I think everyone's different. I DO think that there is some old instinct from a harem society still in our genes, but I think that we have gotten to the point where we can choose what works best for us.
As I said: I've tried it all. I'm very liberal. And it frightened a LOT of my exes. But the funny thing was that when we would decide on monogamy, it was ME who would get cheated on! I feel that there are a LOT of people who don't truly know who they are or what they want-- just try to follow some "rule book" that has been handed down from family, or religion, or society or movies, etc. etc.
I think we should ALL really step outside ourselves and look at what works for US... gay/straight/bi/sexual/asexual... just find out who we are and then try to find a good fit. I think that if we did that: made up boundaries and rules from scratch for each relationship we attempt (instead of trying to force someone into a mould we already set up), then perhaps divorce wouldn't be so common!
Sorry to wax philosophical for so long. This is just an interesting subject for me too!

P.S. check out the book called: Biological Exuberance. VERY interesting read on the subject!

[Princess Kae-Leah]

Lovely, insightful post, merboy! Thanks so much for sharing for personal experiences! Something that really bothers me is the fact that so many people seem to confuse sex with romance, and think that you can't have one without the other. Sex isn't love, and love isn't sex, and I think you can attest to that. The standard party line in our culture is "sex is a very important part of any healthy romantic relationship", which I think is terrible because it grossly over-generalizes what is an extremely personal issue. People are individuals and no two relationships are the same. There are those who are very sexual beings that can't ever be happy with a relationship that doesn't include lots of wild sex, and there are those like me who neither want nor need sex. I think people, myself very much included, need to stop listening to what society says and trust their own instincts. So many people who aren't even ace are still pressured into sex when they aren't ready for it, and many aces "compromise" by giving sex a whirl and later regretting it for the rest of their life. I'd like us as a society to evolve to a stage where we realize that while sex is vital for the survival of our species and that people who genuinely enjoy it shouldn't be ashamed of it, but at the same time realize that there is so much for to life than just sex. The sleazy "sex sells" mentality so prevalent in the advertising and entertainment industry reveals that 99% of the human population has gone beyond simple sex-positivity into downright sexual obsession that isn't in my opinion any better than rigid Victorian standards of morality when premarital sex was treated as worse than murder for a woman and all minority orientations had no choice but to stay in the closet. I think a healthy balance is needed desperately.

[Princess Kae-Leah]

More FAQs:
*If you are asexual, why do you mention sex so often?
I try not to mention it just to mention it, but our world is so over-sexualized that it's a topic that comes up quite a lot for most adults whether they're ace or not, and just about any topic under the sun can be linked to something sexual pretty easily.
*Do you view people who genuinely enjoy sex as dirty and immoral?
Hmm, very touchy question! I honestly try my best not to judge people, and I understand that every single person on the planet is an individual with their own interests, tastes, desires, needs, etc., but there are honestly certain sexual practices that I have an extremely hard time why anyone would enjoy and I personally find gross. I don't think enjoying such things truly makes someone a bad person, but it do think it makes them hard for me to relate to them.

[merboy78xy]

I think that was very well said Kae-Leah!
I too try to accept that there are so many different ways people enjoy themselves... some of which are not my cup of tea.
But that doesn't make it any reason to think ill of someone. I feel that if people are consensual, have thought it through and are truly ok with it, and it does not harm anyone-- then by all means: go for it. I just may not be interested in joining in!

[Nerissa]

I really admire you who have found yourselves. Please pardon my English, it's only my second language. I respect people like you, who know who they are and know what they like and don't. I thought for a while that I was asexual as well, but I do have those feelings, I like physical love. I just had a while when I thought sex was the most disgusting thing I've ever experienced and it just didn't interest me at all. I am weird that way. First, I'm heterosexual, and then I'm lesbian for a while, and after that I'm considering myself as asexual. But now I'm about to fall in love with a guy, so now I'm heterosexual again.
It really tires me to be like that. I blame my sickness. Or maybe that guy I used to date... he wasn't right for me.
Anyway, back to subject. It's good for you that you know who you are. I have a friend who is asexual as well, and Emilie Autumn is also asexual. Some are born asexual, some have probably experienced too many bad things related to sex. I just hope you are in the first group.