B!TC# IT OUT!

I'm going crazy. That's not an exaggeration, my mental health has almost completely deteriorated and I've broken down twice. I'm probably about 20 pounds underweight. I should've been hospitalized weeks ago. I've fallen apart at this point. Insurance won't pay for any working treatment so hospitalization is the only option. My mom is absolutely refusing and I've told her countless fucking times that I need it. I'm being completely serious and she's acting like its a joke. My grades are terrible and she's blaming it all on me and I can't handle it anymore and every day I think about killing myself and rationally I know not to do that but because I'm insane I can't control how I feel. I need help and I recognize that but I'm being refused any help.

That. Sucks.

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Originally Posted by Mermaid Mystery

I'm going crazy. That's not an exaggeration, my mental health has almost completely deteriorated and I've broken down twice. I'm probably about 20 pounds underweight. I should've been hospitalized weeks ago. I've fallen apart at this point. Insurance won't pay for any working treatment so hospitalization is the only option. My mom is absolutely refusing and I've told her countless fucking times that I need it. I'm being completely serious and she's acting like its a joke. My grades are terrible and she's blaming it all on me and I can't handle it anymore and every day I think about killing myself and rationally I know not to do that but because I'm insane I can't control how I feel. I need help and I recognize that but I'm being refused any help.

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oh hun *hugs* you need to call 911, you are having a psychiatric emergency. Call and tell them exactly what you posted here, they'll send someone out. Or walk into your closest hospital's ER for evaluation. You deserve care and if your mother won't get you the care you need then you need to go out and get it

I agree with phaylenn, you need to seek out help. You shouldn't have to do this on your own

I've got a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow with someone I've never met before, so I'm hoping this one will actually listen to what I'm saying instead of suggesting some bs antidepressants that make everything worse. I also just discovered that Carrie Fisher will be at Silicon Valley Comic Con next month and I probably won't be able to meet her so I'll probably die a bit inside from that. Unles of course I got her attention somehow. But that's not my main concern right now, although it would be lovely. I'm just nervous to pour my heart out to yet another stranger.

This one will listen, Mystery! You can force this one to listen!!!

I GOT: a pill. that's all. nothing. i asked her about everything and she just gave me a look. if this were MY psychiatrist I would be fine but this is not okay.

What. A. Bitch.

Wat a day. Jesus.

so to start, my recurring dream came back and it was so traumatizing i woke up shaking. I'm beginning to wonder if I have ptsd because it's begun affecting my daily life.
Then at work today this bitch gets all up in my face after I apologized to her for sounding rude and malicious as it wasn't my intention. Then she goes on to critique how I work (which is stupid because my bosses have no problem with it) so I take it up with the boss and I relay the incident that happened because I'm not having this.
Then because I've been so emotionally distraught today I went on my period early and fucking stained my undies. (Tragic I know......)
then my friend of Australia gave me a call and she was on the verge of suicide and I have never been so fearful in my entire life. Just the thought of having someone over the phone threatening to kill themselves over a stupid boy who raped somebody, and knowing I may be the last person to have contacted her. Scariest thought ever. It got so bad my husband had to intervene and help me get through to her so that she wouldn't actually stab herself. It took me 3 hours. Now I'm a little traumatized over what happened.

Oh SeaGlass. *hugs*

Oh gosh, I'm so sorry SeaGlass.

Seaglass I'm so sorry you had to go through that :( trying to prevent suicide is very traumatic in itself. I'm glad you got through to her, mad props to you and your husband. I hope things get better for your friend, and I hope things are less stressful for you!

I gave her a call this morning to see if she was ok. She's a lot better now thankfully.

That's good.

I'm feeling at war with myself lately. I really want to make myself a nice tail but if I do it now I will have to completely remake it because I'm going on this special diet and I'm going to hopefully loose a lot of weight that's been holding me back my whole life. The other thing really bothering me is the whole loosing weight thing because I'm scared of not being able to loose the weight I need to loose. I'm doubting myself that I'm going to be stay on the diet and succeed. I'm also afraid of the change that will happen. My whole life I've seen myself as fat and ugly, I still cringe and feel disgusted when I see my reflection. My second semester of college I started to accept myself a little bit, but I'm still having a hard time. The diet is supposed to be a eating lifestyle change and I'm really feel like I'm ready to do this for myself and take control of my disgusting eating habits and lifestyle, I just can't seem to shake this feeling of uncertainty and fear.


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Change is always scary. But you'll do fine.

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Originally Posted by KellyMermaid

I'm feeling at war with myself lately. I really want to make myself a nice tail but if I do it now I will have to completely remake it because I'm going on this special diet and I'm going to hopefully loose a lot of weight that's been holding me back my whole life. The other thing really bothering me is the whole loosing weight thing because I'm scared of not being able to loose the weight I need to loose. I'm doubting myself that I'm going to be stay on the diet and succeed. I'm also afraid of the change that will happen. My whole life I've seen myself as fat and ugly, I still cringe and feel disgusted when I see my reflection. My second semester of college I started to accept myself a little bit, but I'm still having a hard time. The diet is supposed to be a eating lifestyle change and I'm really feel like I'm ready to do this for myself and take control of my disgusting eating habits and lifestyle, I just can't seem to shake this feeling of uncertainty and fear.


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Do you know of anyone who would change their eating habits and lifestyle with you? It really helps when you have someone there to encourage you and change along with you. When one of you struggles, the other one will be there for support.

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Last week my boyfriend and I celebrated being together for four years. We had a serious talk and he told me I don't open up to him a lot about my feelings. I realized I suck because it has been four years and I am still have issues about being more open with him. I guess I am so used to no one really listening to me or caring about what I say, that I just don't bother sharing with people. Actually now that I think about it, I have never really been super close to anyone. Even after all this time I am still worried that he will get tired of me or doesn't care about what I have to say or something. I don't know why I am still having trouble accepting that he really loves me and wants me to feel free to tell him anything (which he always tells me) and I don't know why I can't find the words. I don't know what is wrong with me...I guess I have come a long way since we first started dating. I still have a long way to go though...It is just so frustrating because he is the perfectest, nicest, sweetest boyfriend ever and I feel like I am letting him down. :(

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Originally Posted by Mermaid Alea

...
Last week my boyfriend and I celebrated being together for four years. We had a serious talk and he told me I don't open up to him a lot about my feelings. I realized I suck because it has been four years and I am still have issues about being more open with him. I guess I am so used to no one really listening to me or caring about what I say, that I just don't bother sharing with people. Actually now that I think about it, I have never really been super close to anyone. Even after all this time I am still worried that he will get tired of me or doesn't care about what I have to say or something. I don't know why I am still having trouble accepting that he really loves me and wants me to feel free to tell him anything (which he always tells me) and I don't know why I can't find the words. I don't know what is wrong with me...I guess I have come a long way since we first started dating. I still have a long way to go though...It is just so frustrating because he is the perfectest, nicest, sweetest boyfriend ever and I feel like I am letting him down. :(

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Tell him exactly that. Tell him that you are trying, but it's difficult for you, and if he really cared for you, he will be patient and supportive, and that you will try, every day, to open up...just a little more.

It's a habit that you have to develop. You'll get there!

Thanks Pearlie! :) I think I might call him right now.

kitten went in for chemo today. she was grumpy for about an hour but so far she's doing really well.
also someone please stop me before mermaid kylo ren becomes a thing

I am at a loss for words in regards to something happening at my work. It has me so worked up, that I cannot think straight. I need a night to calm down before I bitch. It's all so unfair and so very un-like my work's philosophy.

Can't sleep... here I go...

A while back, I wrote about how hostile my work environment is getting (here).

Things are so messed up at my work right now in relation to that and another issue that I am not even sure where to begin, how to properly process this, how to vent it, or anything. I am sitting at a computer, furiously typing away as my body shakes and my vision blurs while feeling dizzy. I feel so many emotions (anger, disappointment, disbelief, betrayal, sadness.)

As you know from the other post and my mentioning of it before, I work in mental health. Crisis unit, sub acute, yadda yadda. What makes my work so "awesome" is the philosophy of the facility. We believe that everyone who comes to us is still a person. It does not matter how broken you are when you come to us, if you are off medications because you were too poor to afford them or you just hated taking them or if you are homeless or if you are addicted to drugs or whatever. You are still a person. You are dealing with hard issues. We know, we understand, and we will help you. That said, we wont do things -for- you, but we will lead you to the water, it is up to you to drink.

We have AMAZING patience with the people we work with. We get yelled at, threatened, (rarely) hit, and we are still there to help. We have rules set up to follow to keep the place as safe as we can, and so far we have been fortunate to never have had to use the restraint room (where uncontrollable people would be strapped to a board; required by law to have for our facility) in the 4 years we've been running.

The facility hires people known as Peer Supports. A Peer Support is someone who has mental health issues themselves or has a family member who has mental health issues. Either way, they have first hand experience with mental illness, helping someone with mental illness, or at the very least a deeper (personal) understanding of how it can effect the person and their family. Peer Supports of all types are welcome to work at the company and we have some whose diagnosis ranges from depression to schizophrenia to borderline personality disorder and so on. We don't let the diagnosis define them as a person; it's part of them not all of them.

I am a Peer Support; probably the only one at the facility with an MA, but I am still one of them. At the facility, there is supposed to be no "us or them" culture, we are one... But I can see clearly that that isn't true. A lot of others consider Peer Supports valuable tools, but do not take what they think or say seriously; my degree I think is the only thing that breaks that barrier in my favor.

Wednesday night, another Peer Support had an issue. "Rita" began to act strangely right from the start. We do not know each other diagnosis (unless we tell one another, but we're not forced to, of course), but she was acting very paranoid and performing behaviors and stating things that were out of the ordinary. It triggered a few people and got to the point where the clinical director had to leave a meeting with the county in order to get Rita to calm down and agree to leave the facility on her own. She appeared (to me) to be in the middle of a psychotic episode, and I hoped that she got her medications (or however she copes in order to function 'normally') and that the next time I saw her she'd be better.

I learned tonight she may not be coming back. A report was filed on the event as a formality. The person filing it had no ill will towards Rita, it was just procedure. The clinical director was going to try to cover it up or down play the events (meanwhile, one coworker was in tears and trembling that night.) HR had to be notified of this, then Rita was looked into further and she was apparently let go. I was never a big fan of Rita, our personalities did not mesh, but she was a good worker for what she did and still part of our team. Now, she is just gone.

This bothers me. This bothers me a lot, and it's not because I liked Rita. It bothers me because Rita had one incident in a mental health profession, THE PROFESSION THAT SHOULD BE THE MOST UNDERSTANDING, and they let her go (granted I don't know all the details [did she refuse her meds? did she make threats? I don't know]). It bothers me because someone else who has made mistake after mistake after mistake is out on administrative leave and Rita is gone.

The mistake maker? Glenn. As you will recall from the other post I mentioned at the start of this one, Glen is the man who has made work very difficult. He is an older man, almost six foot (if not over,) and very imposing. He has a like-able charm to him that gets people to be super friendly with him right off the bat, but as I am more introverted and inspect people before I am chummy with them, we never hit it off which caused him to assume I hated him as a result and he cornered me at work and talked to me about it... basically "We don't have to like each other, but we need to be professional." I'd never once crossed him, just simply was not part of the EVERYONE LOVES GLENN boat, and I think that irked him.

He has made several mistakes in the facility that include (but not limited to): taking excessively longer breaks than permitted, leaving work early because he had a headache (preventing someone who was throwing up violently from being able to go home because then I'd be working the shift alone), spending his time in the nurses' office to avoid work, missing safety checks, looking at pornography on the computers, looking at bikini girls after the pornography reprimand, allowing contraband into the facility, passing out dangerous chemicals to residents, talking about his sex life at work with the nurses (bringing it up only to the 'attractive' nurses,) and bringing a knife (yes, a KNIFE) to work. What finally got him put on administrative leave was he walked into the nurse's office, and took off his shirt, THEN asked her to look at a rash on his underarm. The nurse reported him, and now she is facing flack for it and being told by a coworker who is a Glenn supporter "if you did not want to look at bodies, you should not have been a nurse" (patriarchy at it's finest, people.)

And he is on administrative leave. Why? I don't know. My supervisor has a stack of papers a mile high filled with complaints about Glenn and his lack of work. She has met with her boss (the clinical director[CD]) about it numerous times and the CD is not doing anything about it. Instead, the CD is telling my supervisor that it's her fault. She is not a good enough boss to get Glenn to do what he needs to do and she is now questioning her ability. The CD also said that the three of us (my boss, "Jack," and I) should be training Glenn. We've talked to him. We've had meetings, and he has been working at the facility for 2 YEARS. He should know the ropes by now and not be making mistakes of this level anymore. To make it worse, the CD has implied that if Glenn does not do his job properly, Jack or I should just step in and do it automatically. Considering Jack and I already do that and we have been asking for support for so long, we are both furious at this 'solution.'

And he gets administrative leave... While Rita is fired. Rita should be on leave getting help, then have a job to come back to when she is better. But no, Glenn with a list of offenses a mile long is the one with a job waiting for him because "We just don't fire people here." -CD.

Bull fucking shit.

I am so angry I am exhausted, and I don't even want to go to work tomorrow... technically later today...

I wish I had my design job now.

Ugh. White male privilege at its finest.... I'm so sorry you had to go through all that little orca. Just reading that made me so upset... I hope Rita is ok.

#MermaidLivesMatter? REALLY?

UGH. Well, I'm unfollowing this Instagram account, even though she does gorgeous hair color. Hair color discrimination in the workplace sucks, but it is in NO WAY the same thing as racism and murer. This is just gross. Talk about unchecked privilege. Public pool bitches for sure.

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Wow. That's really, really gross.

OMG Little_Orca, that's just awful. I have a sick stomach after reading that. I'm so sorry and I respect you so much for the kind of work you do. *hugs*

Celaeno-- glad you said something, and I hope she'll change her tune when she really gives it some thought. (Yes I am an eternal optimist...)

Stressful week overall. I just want to create; paint/sew/something, but the house and my room are absolute messes right now since the basement flooded. My priorities should be elsewhere.

Hope some of you are having a better week. I'm going to try an circumvent the creative mentality by editing pictures on DeviantArt. For a little. Then get back to work. Maybe. Probably. *sigh*

1st world problems, lol. I am grateful for the blessing that saved so many of our sentimental items, for the ability to create even though I shouldn't right now, the ability to complain (lol) with people that choose to listen, and a family strong enough to get through something so stressful.

Best wishes.

http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/16/03...a32ace4b39.jpg

She deleted it and I would has left it alone but her description underneath was really petty and I could tell she didn't really learn anything


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Ah... More Unchecked white privledge...

*Sigh*

This... Just this... I tried to ignore it, but as you can see I couldn't.

http://i239.photobucket.com/albums/f...pspzhr66vy.png

I added on to the last bit "... in other ways is not helping the ocean." as I realized I had forgotten to finish my sentence. Bleh, it's 3 am.

And I mean, people's silicone tails DO mold, so I would assume that they break down eventually.

Ugh I'm such a hopeless romantic! I'm crying because I just watched the proposal/ engagement video for my favorite YouTube daily vloggers, CTFxC aka Charles Trippy. I've been watching his vlogs 5 years. They seem so happy together and I'm so happy for them. I feel like such a stereotypical girl who cries at everything[emoji24]


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Gods. Me at Romeo and Juliet every single time.

if I had a dollar for every time my dad said I look like a prostitute today…
lmao it's just a crop top and leggings. yeah I'm wearing platform shoes, but they're jelly shoes. I don't think I've ever seen a sex worker in jelly shoes.

Wow.

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Originally Posted by Mermaid Mystery

if I had a dollar for every time my dad said I look like a prostitute today…
lmao it's just a crop top and leggings. yeah I'm wearing platform shoes, but they're jelly shoes. I don't think I've ever seen a sex worker in jelly shoes.

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Ask him how he's such an expert on what prostitutes look like.

:fallover:

SHIIIIIT lmao if he says it again i will

Just trying to do my part! :mermaid kiss:

PS: if you have video on your phone, his reaction will be YouTube gold!

The whole silicone tails thing being horrible is still going on on the thread of a person that I'm friends with on Facebook. It's starting to get to me and it has me wondering if I should be volunteering my time with somebody who sees something I have worked very hard to get and have researched how to take care of as something that now makes (soon to be) me and other silicone tail owners enemies of the ocean. I don't want to limit or even end my opportunities for volunteering, I have even agreed to continue to make my own fabric tails so I can participate (because their rules are no silicone tails) but with so much hatred kind of spilling out and makes me wonder how long I could just smile and try to ignore it without saying something and then being tossed out anyways.

Where is this? If you read the silicone MSDS, you find that silicone breaks down to carbon. Period.

And I have NEVER heard of any mermaid throwing away a silicone tail! Retire, yes, but trash? NEVER!